6th-grader incredibly sensitive to sad, scary, or suspenseful literature. What to do?

[g1234]

My 6th-grader has always been this way.  I mean, we had to skip the part in Little Princess where Sarah hears that her father has died.  We had to put aside Secret Garden altogether because the halls of the big house were too mysterious and scary.  We made the mistake of starting Lightning Thief...you can imagine just how far we got in that book.  She loved the first Mysterious Benedict Society book, but there were too many darts and too much pushing in the later ones.  No go on on the Little House books...the threat of attack by the Native Americans was too suspenseful.  Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is okay even though Earth is destroyed early on because of the goofy tone (a friend recently got all into this book so my kid had to check it out), but let someone step on a worm in another book and it's into the dustbin with that one, too.  We actually made it through Hobbit (I'm not sure how), but she's still traumatized by the end because she feels sorry for Gollum.  Not as in--how nice that she can empathize, but as in, she never wants to read the book again in her life and it was horrible.

 

For years I have been gentle and nonjudgmental, bending over backwards to find books that won't horrify her, but it's getting harder and harder.  The issue is the same whether we read aloud or she reads independently.  At a 6th-grade level (and she's right about at grade level in terms of reading ability), there are fewer and fewer worthy books that will work for her.  This issue is really starting to limit her in terms of being exposed to high-quality, interesting literature.  I mean, Betsy-Tacy was delightful, but at some point I would like her to move on.

 

I myself was always--and still am--very sensitive to sadness, violence, and suspense.  I hate movies or books with sad or scary scenes or endings (still traumatized to this day by Where the Red Fern Grows and Disney's Bambi movie), and have never really wanted to re-read A Tale of Two Cities, even though it is a gorgeous and amazing novel.  So perhaps there's a gene for this.  But I don't think it ever limited me quite as much as it does her.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions, or even any experience with a kid like this?  I want to put lots of good books in her hands this year, and she is willing and interested, but there's so much she's missing and I am running out of ideas for books that will work. 

[dragonflyer]

I do not have any first hand experience to offer, but here are my thoughts.  They are likely worth what you are paying for them...

Start a discussion/research project with her over the next couple of months that deals with the topics of sadness, violence and suspense in the real world.  Most people enjoy reading because they can learn to deal with these emotions in imaginary situations. 

What would she do if a dear friend or family member was really sick?  What if they died?  Where is there sadness and violence in the world?  What is an appropriate response?

If she does not enjoy reading about the imaginary can she start handling some real-life?  What about a book like Kisses from Katie where an American high school graduate goes to help people in Uganda?  Has she begun to learn about how little security there is in many other parts of the world?

I do not know you or your daughter, but 6th grade is a great time to begin putting these emotions in her own words.

[Kim in Appalachia]

I do not have any first hand experience to offer, but here are my thoughts.  They are likely worth what you are paying for them...

Start a discussion/research project with her over the next couple of months that deals with the topics of sadness, violence and suspense in the real world.  Most people enjoy reading because they can learn to deal with these emotions in imaginary situations. 

What would she do if a dear friend or family member was really sick?  What if they died?  Where is there sadness and violence in the world?  What is an appropriate response?

If she does not enjoy reading about the imaginary can she start handling some real-life?  What about a book like Kisses from Katie where an American high school graduate goes to help people in Uganda?  Has she begun to learn about how little security there is in many other parts of the world?

I do not know you or your daughter, but 6th grade is a great time to begin putting these emotions in her own words.

 

This is along the lines of what I was thinking.  Good fiction can help you learn to process so much.  But not everyone loves fiction.

 

 For now, I would focus on non-fiction.  Well written history books, biographies, science books, etc, would be what I would be having her read.  Some people hate fiction, but she is going to have to encounter other cultures, difficult lives, and new ideas.  Maybe start finding her some of the best in those categories and have her read those books.   

[Haiku]

I agree with having her read more non-fiction, but I also think she needs to start bucking up some. The world is a sad, scary, suspenseful place at times, and pretending it isn't so by trying to avoid it will just leave your dd unprepared. I'm not advocating the "kids need to be bullied to learn how to deal with bullies" approach, but your dd is safe in her own home with you to help her process things, and she needs to start reading age-appropriate books. Browse the reading lists that many poplar homeschool curricula publish, look into what the local public schools are reading, and press on. Institute a moratorium on complaining about books. I would tell a child of that age that hysterical comments about being traumatized and never reading again will not be tolerated. It's a BOOK, not a personal traumatic experience.

 

FWIW, I hated hated hated Bridge to Terabithia and will never inflict it on my children. I find it a horrifically bizarre and inappropriate story for its intended age group. So I'm not totally insensitive. But there is a difference between disliking one or two books and disliking them all.

[Peace out muffins]

I completely empathize with her. She's definitely not alone.

 

Maybe some lower-level, less literature-y sad/scary/suspenseful books? Even if they're below reading level, like the little Nancy Drew ones (I think they had a junior series), BabySitters Club mysteries, the Mandie books, Caroline B Cooney's books (YA, so a little harder). I think sometimes it's the weight of Serious Literature that makes the book heavier if you're sensitive to it. A lighter, funnier book like Bunnicula might be able to get her into the genre, and then increase the seriousness from there.

 

What about trying cuddling up with a stuffie and a blanket when she reads books that trouble her like that? It's comforting. Maybe offer some silly media (the equivalent of a lolcat) for afterwards (yes I totally do this).

 

Does she say what exactly the problem is? The element of surprise, the tone, etc? Has she had any experiences that she feels affects her like this?

 

 

Here are some lists that might help if you go that route:

http://us.macmillan.com/MacmillanSite/categories/Childrens/Fiction/MysterySuspense+4thGrade

http://www.chelmsfordlibrary.org/children/grade_level_book_recommendations_fifth.html

 

[Katy]

My first reaction was that this sounds like an anxiety issue.   But it may also be that she needs to "buck up" or that there is some sort of trauma in her past that she doesn't want to deal with.

 

I guess I'd force her to talk about it at length so I could try and figure out the source.  If she is just too sheltered or didn't want to deal with reality I'd be gentle about it but eventually I'd force her to go back and read all the sad & scary stuff she'd managed to avoid before.

 

If something in her past is triggering anxiety I'd probably opt for cognitive therapy instead and work with the therapist to get good literature back into her life.

[Guest]

I do emphasize. My older two have experienced life trauma of the sort that makes many books' storylines out of the question. But they have a true reason for their feelings.

 

Unless your dd has a true reason, now is a good time to begin to develop a thicker skin. As she moves forward with her education she will have to read books she doesn't like or have themes she doesn't want to deal with. It is better to start to learn how to handle those things now in a safe environment with you. I echo that the world is a sad, scary, suspenseful, downright bad place sometimes. She cannot avoid those things in her life. This doesn't mean she needs to read truely horrific upsetting books. We all have a limit on what we can handle. I avoid any books about true war stories or the Holocost, for example {Corrie ten Boom, etc.}. But avoiding a book that could be a new favorite is too sad to imagine. 

 

The only literature guide series that meets my complete okay for books is Memoria Press. As these are not light books, you can use a lower grade level. Just pick a book. I also like the Logos School list.

 

Tara, I agree with you about Bridge to Teribitha. I will never read that book to my kids or let them read it. 

[Haiku]

My older two have experienced life trauma of the sort that makes many books' storylines out of the question. But they have a true reason for their feelings.

I agree with this. My two children who were adopted have had some truly traumatic things happen to them. It's possible that the OP's daughter has been traumatized in her life, but the OP gave no indication of this. That's why I made the comment about it being a book, not a personal traumatic experience. Thicker skin is a virtue as it helps people avoid feeling sad, bad, and scared much of the time, and at home, where you are safe, with people who love and protect you, is the place to work on developing it.

[MrsH]

I would also add that if she's a Highly Sensitive Person then I think that the advice to just buck up isn't necessarily the right one.  How does she feel about picture books about these topics? I don't have an extensive list of these, but I have often used picture books w/ my kids (and others) to broach painful subjects.  If reading a longer book is truly to painful for her, then exposing her to those topics in shorter form might be a helpful start.  If she is a HSP, then learning how to cope with her sensitivity will be a worthwhile skill.  It's not always easy to function in this world when we perceive emotions more strongly than others, but can be learned.  The book I linked can help with that. 

 

Finding a way to open the door to discussions with her seems really important as well.  What does she say about it when she's not feeling upset in the moment?  That might provide clues, esp. if she can follow up with questions like "what does it remind you of?" "Are there things you can do when a book gets too intense?" "What about this particular scene is so hard for you?"  etc.  For my HSP self, it's often the intensity that's hard.  For my daughter, who experienced trauma and loss at an early age, it's more about feeling a lack of safety.  My son gets bad dreams if it's too visually descriptive.  Different things are hard for different people, as you know.

 

 

I totally get that it's getting hard to find literature, and would suggest that you might want to set yourself a timeline during which to start seeing progress, and if not, I'd consider going to see someone with your daughter.  I know there can be a stigma about that, but if emotions are holding us back from participating fully in life (ie: not reading age-appropriate books) then it might be worth getting help from someone more knowledgeable.  Either way, all the best with her. 

[Chris in VA]

I think some people just have an over developed sense of empathy and need to learn how to separate their feelings from those of others.

I think, along with that, some people need to feel a sense of control in their environment.

 

A great way to begin to be able to handle sad things and feel some measure of control is to start working with a charity that helps those in sad/difficult situations. It developes compassion as an action--and helps people feel they are helping.

 

Is there a charity she could contribute to? Heifer is a good one--that one often has stories in their catty that not only describe difficulties but also solutions. Seeds of Peace, which deals with the Israeli/Palestinian problems, also is a good choice. My niece, now a sixth grader, has raised money for Partners in Health, who work in

Haiti.

[ocelotmom]

Can you choose books that include suspenseful and serious situations where you can truthfully assure her from the start that everyone is ok in the end? That's what I've done with my 10 year old DS, who isn't quite that sensitive, but hates books where someone important dies.

[twoxcell]

 

I agree with having her read more non-fiction, but I also think she needs to start bucking up some. The world is a sad, scary, suspenseful place at times, and pretending it isn't so by trying to avoid it will just leave your dd unprepared. I'm not advocating the "kids need to be bullied to learn how to deal with bullies" approach, but your dd is safe in her own home with you to help her process things, and she needs to start reading age-appropriate books. Browse the reading lists that many poplar homeschool curricula publish, look into what the local public schools are reading, and press on. Institute a moratorium on complaining about books. I would tell a child of that age that hysterical comments about being traumatized and never reading again will not be tolerated. It's a BOOK, not a personal traumatic experience.

 

FWIW, I hated hated hated Bridge to Terabithia and will never inflict it on my children. I find it a horrifically bizarre and inappropriate story for its intended age group. So I'm not totally insensitive. But there is a difference between disliking one or two books and disliking them all.

:iagree:

[Farrar]

Even if it is an anxiety or sensitivity issue, the way to deal with it is probably through more exposure.  Since the goofy tone worked, I would maybe move from there and emphasize that separation between reality and fiction. And I would be purposeful about it and talk about pushing her slowly outside her comfort zone.  Maybe before you read aloud or she reads a book, she should have a little mantra like, "This is only a story," or, "I am safe in my home and this story is helping me learn and grow," or, "No puppies were harmed in the making of this book."

[g1234]

Wow.  I go away for a day and there are all these wonderful, thought-provoking posts.  Many thanks to all of you!  Your thoughts have helped me think more about her, about the situation, about other relevant information.  In reply to some of your ideas and questions:

 

1. dragonflyer--I love the idea of almost making a research project out of this issue.  She is very analytical and I think this would catch her fancy, plus could be very helpful.  A friend of hers once spent a long time learning about how they do special effects in movies and in live plays, and now she can easily watch more scary or even violent scenes.  I think something similar for the issues she faces could be a wonderful idea, and I'm going to do it.

 

2. dragonflyer and Kim--I think you are both right about nonfiction.  It seems odd that nonfiction could be easier to take, given that it's about real people, but I actually think this could work better for her and be a good way to push her limits.

 

3. WendyK--in answer to your question, she does not refuse, she just reacts very strongly.  I don't think she'd refuse any reasonable request, and it terrifies me sometimes how much she trusts me!  That makes me extra concerned not to ask too much of her.  Sometimes I think if I told her to jump off a cliff, she'd ask, "Which one?" because she'd trust that I would not tell her to do something harmful.

 

4. Tara--I really appreciate your thoughts, but in this particular case I think perhaps "bucking up" might not be the most useful approach.  I think with some kids your advice could be right on, but perhaps not with this one.  See below for more context.  And by the way, I totally agree with you about Bridge to Terebithia.  Welcome to Lizard Motel helped me understand why I hate books like this, and gave me the term "problem novel" for them.

 

5. OkayKatie--I am intrigued by the idea of starting with some "lighter fare" around these issues, and I appreciate the title suggestions.  I think we might try some of these and see how it goes, with the explicit goal of helping her learn to accept more issues in literature.

 

6. Katy--I can see why you would ask about anxiety and therapy.  My honest sense is that, while she is highly sensitive (see below), she does not suffer from life-disrupting anxiety (except with literature!!).

 

7. Paradox5--Yes, in fact, she has lost a close family member to death, and another close family member had a near-fatal and life-altering experience.  However, her sensitivity to literature precedes both of these!  And she had a lot of help coping with both events, and now talks readily about both whenever it comes up, so I think there's not too much in terms of repression or unresolved issues.  But I'm sure they didn't help, and maybe this is one reason I've been so hesitant to push very hard.

 

8. Mrs. H--yes!  I have read the book.  Both of my kids are absolutely HSPs, as am I.  (DH not so much, but not too far away, either.)  It's funny that I hadn't thought about that concept for quite a while, since she was a baby and would wake up screaming if anyone rattled a plastic bag in the same room.  (She's much better than that, now, and in fact sleeps like a rock.)  Thank you so much for reminding me of this.

 

9. Chris, absolutely I'd say she has an overdeveloped sense of empathy, something it has taken me many of my adult years to overcome myself.  We do some charity work, in fact, but only once a year does that work bring her into direct contact with the people we're helping.  Something to think about...

 

10. farrarwilliams--I think you're exactly right about being explicit about working together to overcome this problem, and moving in on it slowly starting with books she finds easier to take.

 

[ETA:] 11. Ocelotmom--I missed your post the first read-through.  Yes!  In fact, we already do this.  I read the last chapter and skim the rest and give her a summary.  She doesn't mind "spoilers" at all and, like me, in fact enjoys the book more when she knows how it ends.  So this is definitely a good strategy.

 

Again, wow.  You all have really pushed my thinking forward and given me all sorts of things to try and to talk about with her.  Many thanks to all of you for your time and ideas!

[starwarsmomma]

You described my middle son!  Entering 6th grade, I'm going NUTS trying to find books that wont give him nightmares for a year.  uugh.

 

 

[DianeW88]

Maybe some more gentle types of books that ease her into discomforting situations.  Have you read "Understood Betsy" with her (Dorothy Canfield Fisher)?  Or "Mandy" (written by Julie Edwards...aka Julie Andrews.  Yes, THAT Julie Andrews)?  Or "Ballet Shoes" by Noel Streatfield?  I was sensitive as a child...especially about animal stories.  I STILL won't read "By the Shores of Silver Lake" out loud to my kids, because Jack dies in it.  They have to read that one on their own.  Once was enough for me...I loved that dog.  

 

Anyway, I adored all of the above books as a kid.

[kiwik]

I would try a couple of the other noel streetfield where there are no massive earthquakes and whole families dying before ballet shoes. If she liked one of the others (is is dance shoes that has the collection of girl orphans?) then a couple of the others ballet shoes would be a good bridge to sad

 

I don't like scary books - in the spooks and aliens sort of way - but can manage horrid non-fiction and crime fiction which should really be more frightening.

[Katy]

I was thinking about this earlier and wondering if it was a boundaries thing?  It doesn't seem that different than people who get very enmeshed relationships, letting other people's emotions hold them hostage.  I keep meaning to read that Boundaries book meant for parents to teach healthy boundaries to kids and haven't gotten around to it yet.  I don't know if the advice would apply but maybe someone who has read the book could comment?