Introverts/unsocial people do you ever feel badly?

[SKL]

I don't know if I'd say "selfish."  Forcing oneself to engage in activities that are stressfull takes away from other things you do well.  For some of us, it means being more intolerant with our kids, forgetting things, etc.  While I personally enjoy extended family stuff (I don't have in-laws though), if they made me drained or stressed-out, I would definitely weigh that as a factor when deciding which events to attend.  If I felt my kids were missing out, I might ask another relative to take them.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Yes, mainly because I can see how it has negatively affected my children, especially my son.  I think it has also played a part (how large a part I do not know) in my ability to find full time employment;  I just don't have the social network to get those 'it's who you know' positions, which are the most common in my area.

 

I do think being outgoing and adventuresome are two different things.  I am still adventurous  and spontaneous and love to take on a challenge - caving, kayaking the Mississippi, backcountry camping trips, etc.  I just don't go with a large group and I certainly won't be joining in the bbqs or afterparties. 

 

Like others have noted, I also need a few days of down time after social events.  I have learned over the last few years to make sure my courses are on different days(M/W & T/TH) or have a couple of hours between them.  I cannot teach back-to-back classes.  I am exhausted by the time the second class is over and I don't want to shortchange the second class by not being able to give it my all.

 

I am also not one who can go from one meeting to the next all day long.  I am amazed by the women who can go to two hour morning meeting, head out to a two hour social lunch, go to an afternoon meeting or playgroup, take the kids to soccer, and then head to another meeting in the evening.  I would be a blubbery mess by the end of a day like that.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

. I don't mean feeling ashamed of who you are. Sometimes I just wish I could enjoy social things more. I can be social but I prefer not to be. Sometimes when people post pics on Facebook about the fun things they're doing I wish that I could get out and do those things and be a little more carefree.

 

This is bothersome to me - why do you equate being introverted with the inability to be carefree?  I don't think the two are the same thing.  There may be a slight correlation between them - i.e. being introverted may be inversely related to being carefree- but being introverted does not cause one to be sober.  These are two different qualities.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I don't wish I wasn't an introvert. I do wish I had a different personality. Either I'm too loud and excitable or when I try to turn that off I become priggish and snooty. Or so I've been told.

 

((hugs)) I empathize.

[HRAAB]

Yes, mainly because I can see how it has negatively affected my children, especially my son.I think it ha  s also played a part (how large a part I do not know) in my ability to find full time employment;  I just don't have the social network to get those 'it's who you know' positions, which are the most common in my area.

 

I do think being outgoing and adventuresome are two different things.  I am still adventurous  and spontaneous and love to take on a challenge - caving, kayaking the Mississippi, backcountry camping trips, etc.  I just don't go with a large group.

 

My dh is more of an introvert than I am.  This is exactly what he found.  When he got laid off the only social network he had consisted of everyone else that lost their jobs with him.  He really had to step out of his comfort zone and start networking in order to find employment.

 

I agree with the last part, too.  Both dh and I are very adventuresome.  We just prefer to adventure alone or with a very small group of people we know very well.

[Hwin]

I guess I just sometimes feel badly for my extrovert kids who got stuck with a stick in the mud mom who doesn't like to get out much. ;)

 

That is something I feel bad about. My child DOES need more outside activities, but between our semi-rural location, lack of transportation, my husband and I working opposite shifts, and plain old lack of desire on my part... he's stuck at home a lot.

[SKL]

Then there is agorrophobia (sp?), which my mom has.  That does create problems.  For my nieces' birthday parties etc., she (and everyone with her) would be an hour late or just not go at all.  This is one reason I don't invite my parents to my kids' events.  It ruins my mom's whole week if she has to "look forward to" going out and seeing people outside her comfortable circle.  It isn't worth it.  My kids have other people who share those events with them.  I tell my kids that my mom's health is too bad for her to get out much.

[Hwin]

Maybe some people are confusing shyness (or other personality traits) with introversion.  I'm not shy at all.  I am definitely introverted. 

 

I am shy, I am introverted, and I am socially awkward to an extent. (I cannot make small talk or mingle.)

[HRAAB]

See I don't know if it is the introversion in and of itself that is the problem (referring to people saying they have a tough time finding jobs, networking, etc..).  I have not encountered this problem.  Neither has my DH.  We are both introverted.  We can behave as an extrovert if need be.  We aren't really even uncomfortable with doing so.  We just don't prefer it.  In terms of a job there are definitely some things neither of us ever want to do.  For example, I can work with the public and people, but I do not want to manage people.  I can sit through meetings and work as a teem.  But again, I don't want to manage people.  My husband is the same.  For the most part though our jobs have (or are) of the sort where the bulk of the work day is spent alone.  That  is definitely our preference.

 

I don't have a ton of friends.  My hobbies are more solitary or involve my family (the people I enjoy being with the most).  Since I can control those things I certainly do.  But if I HAVE to do certain things for whatever reason I just do it. 

 

Maybe some people are confusing shyness (or other personality traits) with introversion.  I'm not shy at all.  I am definitely introverted. 

 

Dh does fine at work.  The problem was finding a job when the jobs were all word of mouth, found through networking, and just didn't have that larger circle of people that he knew to network with.  He never really got out of his little group.  He's also a social media phobe.  He had to get on Linkedin or whatever it's called, friend people, put out feelers.  That's where it was hard for him.  Now that he has a job, he's fine in his group and working with others.  Just finding those connections and then selling himself - that is really hard for him.  It's definitely out of his comfort zone.

 

Actually around people he knows well or family, he can be quite the comedian - not that everyone gets his dry sense of humor.  And he can force himself to make small talk with people he doesn't know well.  I think it's something we've both acquired with age although I do better at that than him.  I still hate the small talk stuff most of the time.

 

eta:  I think you might be right about shyness and introversion being different.  Dh is both shy and introverted - a double whammy.

[KrissiK]

Yes, I wish I were different. I have always been shy, kind of socially awkward, conversation is never easy for me (I always have to have my mental list of things to say when I go out), I've always kind of been on the outside of things and that is very difficult for me. I would definitely be much happier if I could come to terms with who I am and accept it, but that's easier said than done.

[Ellie]

I guess I just sometimes feel badly for my extrovert kids who got stuck with a stick in the mud mom who doesn't like to get out much. ;)

 

But it was no accident that God gave your children a mother who isn't as extroverted as they are. They need you to balance them out, because they really don't need as much outside activity as they think they do.

 

And it might be that God is giving you the opportunity to stretch a little. :-)

[fairfarmhand]

I guess I just sometimes feel badly for my extrovert kids who got stuck with a stick in the mud mom who doesn't like to get out much. ;)

 

hmmm.I do feel bad for my extroverted kids, which is why I do make the effort to take them out. Often, I do drop off type things. Or if its a practice type thing, I will wait in the car or find a quiet corner where I can read a book. The key to being alone without random extroverts accosting you is to look busy or engrossed in what you are doing.

 

I feel that it is my duty to nourish that side of my extroverts, just like I need to nourish my introverts. An added bonus is that my sociable kids are more satisfied and less likely to talk nonstop to me when they've had friend time.

 

A huge component for my kids is to know ahead of time that mom has these days planned, so they aren't left wondering when/if they get friend time this week.

 

However, part of living in a family is learning to care for others. You kids may need to curb some of their impulses to nourish you and you will need to stretch yourself to nourish them. It's okay for them to give back to you as well. Mom can't be the only one giving in the family.

[lailasmum]

I can make small talk I just would rather not. I can appear loud and outgoing in small stretches, especially since I stopped caring about other people's opinions of me. I used to be shy and introverted, now I am not shy but am still introverted. My small talk and treatment of others is learned in recent years but I never had problems getting jobs even when I was very shy.  I tend to be able to talk at length about things I know about but can't do the more pointless nattering about the weather  or soaps. It helped to make my life easier when I realised being introverted wasn't being damaged or flawed it was just a variation.

 

I was thinking about the adventurous part. I am very adventurous and love a challenge, I think a lot of that is because of my introversion. I don't feel the need to be part of a crowd that does things I can strike out on my own, think and plan on my own.

[beezus]

I'm pretty comfortable just being my introverted self.  Sometimes I do wish I were a little less socially awkward, but I manage to get by.  It's not as if I never engage in social activities.  I'm just choosy about which ones I want to participate in because they do sap my energy. 

 

My daughter is much more gregarious than I am.  I don't think I've impeded her development.  When she was little I did try to make an effort to find things for her to be involved in since she's an only child.  Fortunately, she has plenty of other people in her life who represent all parts of the personality spectrum, so overall I really don't think she has been deprived due to any of my social inadequacies. 

 

When I get old, I want to be one of those people who spend the morning at the library - assuming there are still any libraries left by that time!

[scrapbabe]

This is bothersome to me - why do you equate being introverted with the inability to be carefree? I don't think the two are the same thing. There may be a slight correlation between them - i.e. being introverted may be inversely related to being carefree- but being introverted does not cause one to be sober. These are two different qualities.

. I'm gonna say that I'm realizing there's more to it than just being introverted. I guess I'm still working on overcoming some anxiety/depression because I never feel carefree. But I have a lot of high level stress in my life right now. My original post was really just a musing of sorts about being introverted, but thru the comments/questions I'm realizing its much deeper than that. So I'm processing it all right now .

[unfrumpable.]

I really only feel badly if I feel I'm letting other people down by not wanting to go to whatever. I think it's mostly guilt and I hate feeling that way. I should be able to not attend a social function without feeling like crud for doing so.

[Liberty]

My problem is that I have no social skills.  I feel like Sheldon from TBBT, but am not a genius, unfortunately.  I just do NOT know how to make small talk with people.  I so wish I could be interesting and interested, but I feel like I'm being such a fake.  This is in spite of reading Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People more than once.....I can't even talk on these messageboards on a regular basis.  I've been a lurkier for YEARS (back when it was the other type of board), but am still only a low level bee keeper due to the short number of times I've actually spoken on here.  That's the story of my life.  Thankfully, my line of work (researcher) doesn't require too much time talking.  But, I do wish I had the ability.