Tess in the Burbs Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Dd is on a gymnastics team. Not all the girls like each other and dd has come home crying about one girl in particular that is consistently being mean to her...all supposedly in retaliation. When time to do bars they all run to get a spot....too many girls, not enough spots. So yes, this past summer there was some jumping in front of others to get your spot. My dd jumped in front of this child in AUGUST. I saw it and made her apologize. So imagine my surprise when dd is crying last week b/c this child keeps saying out loud that my dd is mean and cuts in line! Come to find out this child cuts in line every week. Always saying she was there the first rotation when everyone knows she wasn't. But they let her. Only my dd points out she wasn't there and to get back in line. This child also cuts in front during warm ups for competitions apparently too. I had noticed the line for warm up was weird but I assumed it was coaches making changes in order. Apparently not. She was just cutting to get another turn and saying it didn't matter. When dd told a coach they made her return and some comment to my dd was made. So telling a coach didn't win her a friendship. At first I told dd to pick a path: Be a smart aleck about it(ok not the best choice lol) and brush it off or walk away and let her in front...and actually let the girl be where she wants and dd position herself 2 spots away so there is no chance of her being mean to her. It isn't working. When they were paired up the other day this child screamed out loud to the whole gym she couldn't be with my dd b/c my dd is mean to her. Dd is distraught b/c she doesn't want others to think badly of her. And while dd can be mean I sat there enough practices to know she's not instigating trouble here. She's a kid running to get in line and if she happens to get there before this child then the child makes trouble. This child wasn't well liked back in summer practice apparently, but not has a few friends.....all the kids who speak rudely to their parents publicly....so there is definitely some groups forming. I sat and watched practice without them seeing me a few times. I see this child bullying a few kids, not just my own. I will say her mother verbally went off on all the parents a few months ago saying how mean the kids are to her kid. No one knew what she was talking about. But I guess I do now. So I think speaking to the mom will be pointless. She's not seeing the issues. She's trusting her dd's account of things. What should dd do? I will say the coaches haven't been helpful to this point about it when dd pointed out the line cutting. And this is a big deal. This child had 7 turns the other day and my dd only 2. Every time this child went through the line she cut ahead of people so she had more turns. The girls who like her allow it to happen....so it's only dd not letting her cut line. So my dd is considered mean. At this point the child doesn't speak to my dd at all. They are close in age and often in line near each other at competitions. And will most likely be together again next year. Help? I don't do girl drama well. And speaking to the mom would stir up trouble I believe. Willing to do it with a good written notecard to help me, but prefer dd to learn to deal with it on her own. I have made a point to ask my own dd about line cutting weekly now. I get kids run to get in line...we all did it. But I do ask about every event and who went first to get an idea. When I show up to watch practice and they go to another event it's the same kids getting in front every time. Dd isn't always in that group. In fact she ran one week and a coach made her go back and walk. So I don't think dd is innocent on all accounts. I do think at some point she's probably run like the others and fought to get her spot in a line. But she's really upset about being accused of being mean. She's most likely not doing anything different from others except not allowing this one child to cut line every turn. I hope to sit and watch tonight the entire time somehow. And I considered videotaping the line cutting. I just don't know if I let dd handle this(which isn't working out so well) or say something....but to the parent? the coach? the child? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Gosh, that's a hard one for me. I do so appreciate that you don't think your own child is an angel. :D I, personally, have a hard time with unfairness. Maybe you could focus on the issue of your dd not getting enough turns to practice and tell her to raise her hand or somehow let the coach know that she only got 2 turns--not mentioning that others had more. Wonder what he/she would say? I'd want to video it just to have "evidence" but that probably is more involvement that would be good for me. However, just videoing to see your daughter and then happening to point out to the coach that you notice there is some unfairness in the line might be ok. I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tranquility7 Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 When time to do bars they all run to get a spot....too many girls, not enough spots. What does "not enough spots" mean? What should dd do? I will say the coaches haven't been helpful to this point about it when dd pointed out the line cutting. And this is a big deal. This child had 7 turns the other day and my dd only 2. I'd say something to the coach. Even if the coach doesn't care about the drama going on in the line, isn't she helping whoever is next - so doesn't she notice that the other girl gets more turns?? How could she let her have 7 turns without sending her back to the end of the line? You are both paying the same money to the gym, and the girls should all be getting the same opportunities and coaching. If this girl is getting 7 turns and your dd is getting 2, that is just plain wrong. IMHO, it is an issue of classroom management... or I guess gym management :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZooRho Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 I think this sounds like time to sit with the coaches and have a conversation about things. We and our ds were objects of a bullying situation for a sports team. It was bad, and very strange, it was actually more the parents complaining loudly about my child's behavior during practice. or some other complaint. when we talked to the coach the coach acknowledged the issue. It wasn't us or our child but the perception of these parents. We did what we could to avoid the family. We did give instructions to our child about dealing with things. It was really bizzare, and is still a strange thing for many that were with us on the teams. Yes we actually changed teams but so did they and the same behavior followed. But by talking to the coaches we found out how bad of an issue the parents were. They did leave the team we were on and were then NOT Allowed to come back. IT wasn't just our issue or the issue with OUR child but this family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 What does "not enough spots" mean? I'd say something to the coach. Even if the coach doesn't care about the drama going on in the line, isn't she helping whoever is next - so doesn't she notice that the other girl gets more turns?? How could she let her have 7 turns without sending her back to the end of the line? You are both paying the same money to the gym, and the girls should all be getting the same opportunities and coaching. If this girl is getting 7 turns and your dd is getting 2, that is just plain wrong. IMHO, it is an issue of classroom management... or I guess gym management :-) Not enough spots: the girls get on the bars...usually 3 to a low bar to start warm up on it for practice....but they don't have enough space for 3 girls each...some usually have to wait until everyone else is done before starting warm up. So those left waiting get less turns overall at that event. Which is why they run and grab a spot with no regard for anyone else. They don't notice who has how many turns b/c of how they run things. You do skills one by one and then get to work on your routine. IF you haven't done enough times of each skill you keep working that skill. So you could be on a side bar the entire time with no coach near you b/c you didn't get the warm up done to go do your routine in front of the coach. They are short staffed right now. And if a girl goes to get more chalk they might miss a turn. It's not a set line for your turn. People are constantly getting out of turn for chalk or water or bathroom. Which is why this kid saying my dd is cutting the line bothers me. Just get in line where you are...no one else is keeping track of who was where you know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 You are both paying the same money to the gym, and the girls should all be getting the same opportunities and coaching. If this girl is getting 7 turns and your dd is getting 2, that is just plain wrong. IMHO, it is an issue of classroom management... or I guess gym management :-) I would point this out to the coach. Don't make it an issue of your dd vs the other girl, but rather, you think things need to change, because it's unfair to a lot of the girls, that a few are getting so much more time and coaching. I would video tape it- more than once, to show them what's going on. I would also have some suggestions for improvement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Not enough spots: the girls get on the bars...usually 3 to a low bar to start warm up on it for practice....but they don't have enough space for 3 girls each...some usually have to wait until everyone else is done before starting warm up. So those left waiting get less turns overall at that event. Which is why they run and grab a spot with no regard for anyone else. They don't notice who has how many turns b/c of how they run things. You do skills one by one and then get to work on your routine. IF you haven't done enough times of each skill you keep working that skill. So you could be on a side bar the entire time with no coach near you b/c you didn't get the warm up done to go do your routine in front of the coach. They are short staffed right now. And if a girl goes to get more chalk they might miss a turn. It's not a set line for your turn. People are constantly getting out of turn for chalk or water or bathroom. Which is why this kid saying my dd is cutting the line bothers me. Just get in line where you are...no one else is keeping track of who was where you know? Well it sounds as if it is not fair to anyone then. I would go to the director or whatever and mention you feel that for your money there should be enough spots for each kid you feel their class is over booked and you are thinking of pulling her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 It's a disorganized system. If there are not enough spots, the coaches should assign, on a rotating basis, who gets to go first. That is fair and will cut down the girl drama. They are asking for drama by creating a survival of the rudest atmosphere. However, there is a bigger picture here and I fear it's about what it means to be female in our society. In general, girls who are assertive get labeled as mean when they are little, as #itches when they are older. There doesn't seem to be distinguishing between truly mean vs assertive, or truly *ithchy vs assertive. For girls who are not mean, only assertive yet kind-hearted, the term "mean" is used as a weapon of control. The safest way to avoid those labels is to be submissive. This is a reality that many women, let alone girls, are trapped in. I would help dd handle it the best she can. If she wants to be assertive, she needs to find a way to be a "duck's back" and let it roll off, or there will be angst her whole life. And yet, you want her to be kind as well. If she chooses the submissive route, there are a pile of negative consequences that come from internalizing all that to avoid being labeled. It stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 It does stink. And I agree with your description of women as general in how we deal with being aggressive. It's a no win situation. The current coach is laid back and we talked a bit yesterday so will try to catch him this week and mention the turn thing isn't always working out so well for some. I know a few other moms who would agree with me on that statement. thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 The coaches do not have good classroom management techniques. As another poster said, the coaches should be assigning spots. The assigned spot should be on a rotating basis as much as possible, but depending on the drill there may be a reason to keep a very specific rotation. My dc have taken rec classes at two gyms and I have had the opportunity to watch team practice. In both places team practice for girls who looked in the 7-9 age range was very orderly. Coaches were demanding and there was no pushing and shoving. Additionally, I teach group swimming lessons. I assign spots for drills, so that I can make sure I get to observe each child. Like I said there may be a reason for simply assigning spots--when I teach I set spots by speed so I don't have kids swimming over eachother. I don't know anything about gymnastics, but I'm sure there is a logical reason. Since this is team and not a class there will also be times when some kids do get more coaching than others, but that should be dictated by the coach, not cliques formed by the girls. I would think the disorganized set up you have described could greatly affect the girls' abilities to develop their skills. I would also wonder if there was not some favoritism on the part of the coaches, even if denied. So, even if this one girl is a problem the facility management has a bigger problem. For the price of team gymnastics, I would start looking for a new gym. I would start observing at other gyms now to determine where I might want dd to tryout since teams for the next year are set before summer in some places. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 It's a disorganized system. If there are not enough spots, the coaches should assign, on a rotating basis, who gets to go first. That is fair and will cut down the girl drama. They are asking for drama by creating a survival of the rudest atmosphere. I think this is what should happen, and I would be inclined (if keeping my child in the class) to firmly suggest this to the coaches. Sigh...we have one girl. She's nearly 22. Thankfully, she liked boy stuff - very geeky science girl, and piano. This was a lifesaver. She didn't hang with many girls and didn't do group girl stuff. This is a good thing because I cannot stand the mean girl, drama, hen peck, system that seems to pervade young, female group settings. Hope you get to the bottom of it. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Oh, and I just wanted to say, if these are male coaches, they are probably clueless. Seriously, guys just do not get this stuff. But, if you explain the situation and offer the above solution, they'll probably shrug, take you up on it, implement it, and then go out for pizza and beer later and say, "Sheesh! Girls! What's up with that????" If these are female coaches, then watch closely. Some females never outgrow the catty, mean girl thing, and play favorites with the girls. That's a MUCH tougher situation to navigate. If they are female coaches who either didn't act like that growing up, or have forgotten what it was like way back then, hopefully a gentle reminder that the girls need more structure in order to prevent snarkiness and inappropriate behavior will be all that is necessary. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted April 3, 2013 Author Share Posted April 3, 2013 Well they had a girl coach. And favoritism was an issue. You could tell who was getting more attention and thus, skills. She quit thankfully. Now there is a guy coach who really didn't want this level all along. But he's stuck with it through all the upheaval and seems nice. I wouldn't trust him on spotting though...been some issues. This gym is close to me otherwise I would consider looking around. I am waiting to hear about the summer and next year plans with all the USAG changes coming. Kinda hoping they will move up in the coaching pecking order. If they aren't changing coaches I may look around. An old coach has been around but not full time...so it's a wait and see game right now. But I hadn't thought about it from a 'he's a guy perspective' and will say something gently about the girls seeming to be unfair in their turns and perhaps he could take notice and see if he can come up with a solution. thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callie Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 If these are female coaches, then watch closely. Some females never outgrow the catty, mean girl thing, and play favorites with the girls. That's a MUCH tougher situation to navigate. Faith I read your thread earlier & was coming back to post this exact thought! Sadly I have learned that a lot of mean girl mentality and actions never goes away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 Well it sounds as if it is not fair to anyone then. I would go to the director or whatever and mention you feel that for your money there should be enough spots for each kid you feel their class is over booked and you are thinking of pulling her. I would go with something like this. Try to stick to the facts, without getting emotional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AStableBeginning Posted April 3, 2013 Share Posted April 3, 2013 So sorry to hear this and I am sure that he is clueless to what is going on! I hope things get settled quickly and you can move up to different coaches :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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