11-13 year old questions.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My dd receives mobile therapy. We were rewriting her goals for the next 4 months, but everything i mentioned was met with "normal for her age." I accept that I must do these things, but her therapist is supposed to help with independence, coping skills, and social skills.

 

If you have a 12-ish year old, can you chime in?

 

Morning routine- should I have to repeat or follow her around when her schedule is in writing? My 8 year old can follow his schedule.

 

Should I still have to stand in the doorway while she glares at me and argues brushing her teeth?

 

Should she be able to accept an answer of no?

 

She has proved perfectly capable, so should I have to check on room cleaning progress every 5 minutes?

 

She likes to sleep wrapped up in her blanket like a soft taco; is it terrible for me to still expect her bed to be made?

 

She takes out the trash, ds lines the pail; should she notice that she has to step over a full trash bag to get into the bathroom? (I'll tie the bag and put it somewhere hoping she'll take it out without a reminder.)

 

Any reason I can't expect her to pick up her clothes off the bathroom floor? This is not the bathroom we bathe in. Most mornings her pants and bOOKshelf are on the floor.

 

When she eats something, should I have to remind her multiple times to sweep the floor or is hopping over spilled popcorn acceptable?

 

Is 2 hours of internet access reasonable as long as school and chores are done? She can use her ipod from 2-4 if she's finished with what she has to do. She has not earned it yet, but whines daily.

 

She a 12 yo be whining and having (what I call) mini tantrums?

 

Yes, I'm seriously asking about these things. Her therapist makes it seem like everything dd does is normal 12 year old carp and I have nothing to compare to. My 8 year old may be in your face with his behavior, but he can manage many things on this list. He's started keeping his room clean on his own. He even vacuumed it yesterday with no help, including dragging the vacuum up the stairs!

 

I'm tired of having to remind her of things every few minutes. If I back off, the tasks are never done. If I do the tasks myself, she fails to notice.

[Laura Corin]

Hobbes is 12. I have to remind him about a lot of things. I do see progress, but he's very absent-minded. Or rather - his thought-processes are very concentrated on the interesting thing he is thinking about, not the 'non-essentials'. He's not defiant about it, but he just doesn't remember to do things, nor see the mess.

 

My two have very different personalities/abilities. Calvin could remember to do many things at twelve that Hobbes cannot. We let him have a mobile phone at that age, for example, but we don't yet trust Hobbes to look after one.

 

Laura

[ashfern]

My 13 yo is like that. I have to tell him to shower & brush his teeth. I have to hound him for days to put away his clean laundry. His main chore is unloading the dishwasher and he has to be reminded to do that every time it needs done. My 10 yo does all those things without being reminded but she's super emotional. If I try to tell her something she will start to cry and yell at me to stop yelling at her. I think it's hormones.

[GailV]

My 13yo forgets to pick up after herself. I'll tell her to clean up XYZ (school books, craft projects, Playmobil, whatever) and the stuff could sit there for days unless I remind her again. Same with unloading the dishwasher. She's just recently gotten to the point where I don't have to remind her CONSTANTLY to do various things to take care of her pet rats, like clean the litter box, give them fresh water, blah blah blah. Yeah, she'd totally not notice popcorn she had spilled on the floor.

 

She's really into keeping her teeth brushed, which is great since she has braces. I have to remind her to shower. I have to remind her every. single. week. to empty the trash in her room.

 

She'd never forget her clothing in the bathroom because she and her older sister have a continuous war over who has left what where in the bathroom, and who touched whose stuff.

 

She likes to keep her room fairly tidy, although she rarely actually makes her bed (she likes to sleep piled with blankets). Her older sister's room is a disaster, though -- I think the 13yo is tuned into room neatness and the 17yo is not.

 

Neither of them have tantrums on a regular basis, but I think that's just the luck of personality type.

[nd293]

Morning routine- should I have to repeat or follow her around when her schedule is in writing? My 8 year old can follow his schedule.

 

Just because it's in writing doesn't mean she will be willing to pay attention to it! Dd certainly knows her morning schedule, but needs reminding. Ds6 is a lot less trouble.

 

Should I still have to stand in the doorway while she glares at me and argues brushing her teeth?

 

Pretty normal. Glaring also required for deoderant and showering. Willingly spends hours brushing her hair, but cannot remember to remove the loose hairs from the basin or brush...

 

Should she be able to accept an answer of no?

 

"No" can usually be questioned here. In other words, I am OK if I have to explain the reason behind "No", but she also knows not to push me too far. I actually have another word I use, the Arabic word "khalas", which means "enough, no more, finished". I've taught them that "khalas" is the end of the line - when I say that, they generally pay attention!

 

She has proved perfectly capable, so should I have to check on room cleaning progress every 5 minutes?

 

Progress checks every 3 minutes at least! It is possible that my child is particularly gifted in this area, though, We might have her tested ;-)

 

She likes to sleep wrapped up in her blanket like a soft taco; is it terrible for me to still expect her bed to be made?

 

See "No" and "Don't push me too far" - dd knows her duvet needs to be straightened before she goes to school. Bed-making and straightening her room are non-negotiable, even if I have to tell her 100 times and remove every privilege to ensure it gets done. Do it the hard way or the easy way, but it will get done. I don't think this is necessarily a critical issue, but it is in my house.

 

She takes out the trash, ds lines the pail; should she notice that she has to step over a full trash bag to get into the bathroom? (I'll tie the bag and put it somewhere hoping she'll take it out without a reminder.)

 

Dd regularly drops rubbish onto a bin that is already so full that her rubbish slides to the floor. I recommend putting the full trash bag in her bed, or stuffing it in her pillow case - at one point that's where all dd's dirty clothes were going, and it did not take very long for her to figure out it was better to put them in the washing basket than leave them next to the basket and later have to remove them from her pillow case and take them back to the washing basket...

 

Any reason I can't expect her to pick up her clothes off the bathroom floor? This is not the bathroom we bathe in. Most mornings her pants and bOOKshelf are on the floor.

 

I think I answered that one already!

 

When she eats something, should I have to remind her multiple times to sweep the floor or is hopping over spilled popcorn acceptable?

 

It is not acceptable, but you will either have to remind her, or set up a dining table outdoors (weather permitting, of course).

 

Is 2 hours of internet access reasonable as long as school and chores are done? She can use her ipod from 2-4 if she's finished with what she has to do. She has not earned it yet, but whines daily.

 

Our rule - no games or TV Monday to Thursday. She can use her iPod for music, as long as she manages to do what she is supposed to (e.g. tidy room, follow morning routine) at the same time - sometimes she cannot, and I remove the iPod temporarily. I think your rule is very reasonable.

 

She a 12 yo be whining and having (what I call) mini tantrums?

 

It doesn't happen here because I have never tolerated crying or tantrums - just one of my personal "no go" areas. Under-the-breath back chat is something we get plenty of, though.

 

I'm tired of having to remind her of things every few minutes. If I back off, the tasks are never done. If I do the tasks myself, she fails to notice.

 

Dd12 is bright, well adjusted and generally very pleasant. I get unsolicited compliments from other adults about her maturity and behavior. On Sunday I received an email from a parent after she attended a birthday sleep-over. After thanking the parent for the kind words, I added, "Now if I could just get her to tidy her room." Some of these issues are getting better, mostly, I think, as the initial surge of teen hormones settles down. She is certainly more agreeable than she was 12 months ago, but still drives me to distraction with any or all of the issues you mentioned on a daily basis. I would love to tell you her therapist is wrong, but sadly, I must concur that this is "normal".

 

[amo_mea_filiis.]

It's a bit sad to hear that it's fairly normal! Lol.

 

Dd used to do the whole trash routine, but would whine about lining. Once she STOPPED whining about, i switched it up. Ds isn't capable of tying the bag (truly isn't, and the teaching of tying stuff got passed off to his occupational therapist). I'm not sure if I can assign a day to it because it varies. I'll pay attention this week.

 

2 hours internet may seem like a lot to some, but it's a major improvement here! I'm comfortable with it until the weather warms up and ds's behaviorist starts.

 

The kids have only a few activities and I'm working on no devices at all after a certain time. Dd has one consistent weekly activity and a few monthly. Ds has 2 weekly and a monthly. Not much to fill evenings around here.

[NotSoObvious]

Hmm. My ADHD/dyspraxic 10 year old has had these goals for a few years. I think there is a difference between not wanting to do something and truly not noticing or getting distracted.

Can she not clean her room because she doesn't want to, or does she get distracted by every.little.thing. That's a difference. My dd has a hard time organizing. We have to frequently review what a clean room looks like and if we are going to do anything major, I have to be there and walk her through the process of organizing.

She can follow her list in the morning.

Her job is to feed the dog at night. I have to remind her EVERY night. Every night.

 

She has a NT twin who needs a mild amout of help with thing, doesn't do extra things without being asked (usually), and leaves her shoes everywhere. Everywhere. However there is a HUGE difference. NT twin is sloppy and immediately makes corrections when told. Dyspraxic DD needs reminders every day, gets distracted incredibly easily, and still needs lists for a lot of things.

 

So, depending on what your dd struggles with neurologically, I think those are good goals. Perhaps ask the therapist to help "manage" those issues. ask her for help with organizing. Our kids don't just naturally grow out of developmentally appropriate behaviors like their peers. They don't pick up on social cues or peer pressure to conform. They HAVE to be trained. They have to do it right every time or it doesn't become habit.

 

That's my two cents.

[TKDmom]

Yes, my 11yo does many of those things. I'm so tired of conversations like this:

"Pick up that book. Hello! Pick it up."

"Huh??"

"Pick up your book"

"What book??"

"The one you're standing on!!"

 

It's starting to get better in some areas--some days she will actually wake up and start her schoolwork without prompting. I nearly fainted the first time that happened. ;) But overall.... Sigh.

She still has to be reminded every morning to eat breakfast and take a shower...and brush her hair...and put on deodorant.

And she has the personality type where throwing a fit over minor issues still happens.

 

Apparently, she just has better things to do/think about than the things I seem to think are important. :rolleyes:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

NoSoObvious- that's basically my point with her therapist. She has autism (some say asperger's, whatever) and does not pick up normal behavior by osmosis. She has to be specifically taught and i need the therapist's help with the teaching.

 

Will she EVER brush her teeth without whining and foot stomping? Lol.

 

She gets insanely distracted doing ANY task unless i provide the right motivator. She's distracted to the point that I'm considering medication, but I'd like to rule out medical first.

 

I recently had to make a rule of no doodling on school assignments. She doesn't doodle to think; she draws elaborate things and ignores the work.

[linders]

Can be quite normal for the age. DS12 does many of these things - the teethbrushing and room cleaning leap out. And it does vary by kid - DS9 has been much easier about these things.

[Paige]

I think I've read posts here about how preteens seem to lose their brains for a while? It's true. Everything you wrote sounds pretty normal. I have a 5yr old and an 11yr old. They are very, very similar as far as whining, tantrums, and ability to be responsible go. Much more similar than I would have expected. When my 11yr old was about 6-early 10, he was more calm, responsible, and overall aware of his surroundings. My 8yr olds are very responsible and more even tempered than either the 5 or 11yr olds. I'm just hoping that my 11yr old will snap out of it before my 8yr olds lose their heads for a while.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

 

 

4H is good to get in to.Plenty of projects available to fill the evenings.

 

 

I thought about 4H, but we have a new behaviorist starting to work with ds. Unfortunately his behavior has gotten so severe that there's no way I can add anything just yet. This behaviorist will help target goals that allow us to increase social activities.

 

I'm looking at martial arts and art classes for dd as well.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Apparently, she just has better things to do/think about than the things I seem to think are important. :rolleyes:

 

 

Yes! Oh this really bugs me. Lol. How dare I make her drawing wait 2 minutes for teeth brushing!

[amo_mea_filiis.]

 

 

It sounds like she may be in need of intellectual stimulation. The preference for complex doodling, the wanting of internet, the music, the manga depth, all say she needs more complex input. Does she game or play an instrument?

 

 

This actually makes sense!

 

I let her stop violin once her attitude started with her teacher. She was nasty about it, had no interest in practicing, and one day even loosened all the strings knowing I can't tune it.

 

She's been refusing to read anything assigned and tries to make deals (I'll read the book after I get my ipod with safari).

 

No idea how else to increase the input.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Is the teeth brushing a sensory issue? It can help to get a toothpaste that is not as strong as the mint types.

 

 

She's a sensory seeker, and theoretically, teeth brushing shouldn't be a problem.

 

She argues that plaque is there to protect our teeth from cavities. I've actually found some articles to support this.

[NotSoObvious]

NoSoObvious- that's basically my point with her therapist. She has autism (some say asperger's, whatever) and does not pick up normal behavior by osmosis. She has to be specifically taught and i need the therapist's help with the teaching.

 

Will she EVER brush her teeth without whining and foot stomping? Lol.

 

She gets insanely distracted doing ANY task unless i provide the right motivator. She's distracted to the point that I'm considering medication, but I'd like to rule out medical first.

 

I recently had to make a rule of no doodling on school assignments. She doesn't doodle to think; she draws elaborate things and ignores the work.

 

 

:) I just totally feel for you. This is the first year dd has done any school work independently and everyday ay is a crap shoot. I have a regular routine and assignments written in a planner. It's working well.

My dd brushes her teeth, but a Sonicare has made a huge difference. She just didn't have the motor skills for a regular toothbrush and I think it was truly wearing her out.

Hair brushing is our big issue. I recently bought one of those tangle genies or whatever they are called and she loves it because it fits in her hand better. Now if she could only figure out hair washing... She needs reminders to get out of the shower every single day.

I'm sorry your therapist isn't listening. One of my best friends is an OT and she has been invaluable. I can express a frustration and she can explain to me why dd struggles and give me tips on how to help her. It's wonderful.

Anyone want to teach her to ride a bike?? ;)

[nukeswife]

I have a 13 year old boy and an 11.5 year old girl. Yes what you're listing is pretty normal here. I have to remind them every morning to do their chores. I have to remind my 13 year old daily to brush his teeth and I have to check to make sure he's done a good enough job (he has braces) Yes I have to remind my 11 year old to shower daily. I have to remind them all to pick up their clothes or to put their laundry away. If I don't specifically ask them to take out the trash or empty the dishwasher it will just sit there until I do. I have to check on them repeatedly when they are cleaning their rooms. The only thing I don't have to do is actually wash their laundry. They asked to be able to do it themselves and I agreed. So if they want clean clothes and don't want to run out they have to deal with the timing of washing and drying their clothes.

 

I know you said that your 8 year old can do a lot of this stuff, but in my experience teenagers are inherently lazy, they are trying to figure out just how little they can get away with doing and need just as much reminding and prodding as toddlers many times to keep them on task.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I was surprised that both of mine picked up bike riding as easily as they did! With dd i waited until she was 8, went to a field, and pushed her once.

 

With ds i had to trick him a little. While holding his seat i could feel that he had the balance, so i had a friend casually stand in our path and catch ds. He was so excited when he looked back and saw that i was on the other end of the park. It took a few days before he could steer and a few more for stopping.

 

Dd's got a vibrating toothbrush to give her even more input during brushing. Hair has always been difficult because she has tight curls.

 

Maybe the librarian could give her a good book when she goes in there to work. If it doesn't come from me, it might be better.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

 

 

One can increase the complexity of the assignments, or of the output in an area of strength or an area related to a passion. Or one can assign open-ended projects with guiding questions. You could start with a paper on the benefits and detriments of brushing one's teeth daily, including outside research w/a dentist.

 

Good idea! A pediatric dentist just opened in our area. Maybe they'd be willing.

[somo_chickenlady]

My dd receives mobile therapy. We were rewriting her goals for the next 4 months, but everything i mentioned was met with "normal for her age." I accept that I must do these things, but her therapist is supposed to help with independence, coping skills, and social skills.

 

If you have a 12-ish year old, can you chime in?

 

Morning routine- should I have to repeat or follow her around when her schedule is in writing? My 8 year old can follow his schedule.

 

Should I still have to stand in the doorway while she glares at me and argues brushing her teeth?

 

Should she be able to accept an answer of no?

 

She has proved perfectly capable, so should I have to check on room cleaning progress every 5 minutes?

 

She likes to sleep wrapped up in her blanket like a soft taco; is it terrible for me to still expect her bed to be made?

 

She takes out the trash, ds lines the pail; should she notice that she has to step over a full trash bag to get into the bathroom? (I'll tie the bag and put it somewhere hoping she'll take it out without a reminder.)

 

Any reason I can't expect her to pick up her clothes off the bathroom floor? This is not the bathroom we bathe in. Most mornings her pants and bOOKshelf are on the floor.

 

When she eats something, should I have to remind her multiple times to sweep the floor or is hopping over spilled popcorn acceptable?

 

Is 2 hours of internet access reasonable as long as school and chores are done? She can use her ipod from 2-4 if she's finished with what she has to do. She has not earned it yet, but whines daily.

 

She a 12 yo be whining and having (what I call) mini tantrums?

 

Yes, I'm seriously asking about these things. Her therapist makes it seem like everything dd does is normal 12 year old carp and I have nothing to compare to. My 8 year old may be in your face with his behavior, but he can manage many things on this list. He's started keeping his room clean on his own. He even vacuumed it yesterday with no help, including dragging the vacuum up the stairs!

 

I'm tired of having to remind her of things every few minutes. If I back off, the tasks are never done. If I do the tasks myself, she fails to notice.

 

My DS just turned 14, but everything you mentioned describes him. Even the soft taco sleeping, he does the same thing. Yes I have to stand there while he brushes his teeth, and I have to keep on him every two seconds to get things done in the morning even though he knows what needs to be done. I have to check his room cleaning progress every 5 minute, otherwise he doesn't get any cleaning done. I have to ask him to take out the trash, otherwise he would just ignore it. I have to remind him every day to take his clothes out of the bathroom. He is a major slob and he always gets food everywhere when he eats but doesn't pick up after himself unless I tell him to. He sleeps like a burrito, but I don't bother telling him to make his bed.

 

She sounds perfectly normal to me, but I could be wrong.

[Mom-ninja.]

Sounds normal cause you described my 12 yr old.

 

Someone here recently posted something like her dc's brain melted to reform. :lol: