Multiples moms - forced separate time?

[Farrar]

Twin and multiples parents, I'm curious if anyone has built into their routine or schedule times for your kids to specifically be separated.

 

I felt like we had a golden stage of twins - from about age 3 to recently (they're 8.5 yo) where everything was easier because they could play together. And they do play together just constantly. I mean nonstop. They're not perfect together, but they are so imaginative and can almost always work together so well.

 

The thing is - I see lately that they would probably do well to have some time apart. They can't stop playing together. One of my boys would definitely like some time away from his brother and I think he would be happy to have it enforced. And the other would get used to it. I think they're at an age where if they were singletons, they would choose pretty often to do projects, to build things, to read books, to draw pictures,etc. with their free time. But because they always have their playmate right there, they feel like they have to continue playing all their various imaginative games.

 

I don't have anything against the imaginative games at all. I think it's really cute and they have the most complicated and weird shared imaginative world. I kind of love it. It has inspired all kinds of things. But I'd love to see them separate some to do other things with their free time more often.

 

How have other people handled this?

[Unicorn.]

I think it's probably a wise idea. I'm not sure how to go about it, but maybe if you assign a specific hour each day that they have to play by themselves. My girls fight constantly, and I really wish they had their own rooms, or we had a house big enough that they could get away from each other. It's one reason I let dd2 go to ps this year. They really do need time apart. I put them in seperate pre-k classes at 4, because dd2 was being very dominate and telling her twin what to do.

 

They need time to develop their own interests, and someday they will go their seperate ways. It's important that they learn they don't always have to be together, or do everything the other one does.

[Caitilin]

My twins have naturally gravitated toward doing some things separately as they've gotten older. I never "forced" them to do things apart, but they have managed to do it fine for several years now. Dd1 is Miss Fixit, interested in tools and gadgets, and Miss Artist, spending lots of time drawing with her watercolor pencils. Dd2 is Miss Household, who decides it time to clean their room or the kitchen and often wants to cook/bake something, and also Miss inventor. Though they have so much in common, they're still very different, and each does what she wants as she wishes.

[Farrar]

We've done different things to help them feel like their own people - and they do classes apart sometimes and have even taken separate trips with dh and I. So they definitely have separate interests... but they don't pursue them that often, in part because they're always doing stuff together. And when they're doing stuff together, that means playing BFG (their imaginary game). I think it's almost just habit at this point. Not that they don't enjoy their imaginative games... just that I think if we got in the routine of having time for personal interests and play instead, that they would get into the habit of considering multiple options.

[SKL]

I don't know . . . my kids are younger, but I can't even get them to spend a whole night in separate beds. They are good together. They do have different interests and periodically they will gravitate in different directions while playing. One will be painting her nails while the other is creating some drama in her doll castle or snickering at Diary of a Wimpy Kid. But they generally don't mind each other's intrusions, either. If one of them wants to be left alone, I will require the other to go do something else. In general, I don't plan on interfering with their relationship dynamic, but I might change my mind someday.

[Miss Tick]

 

The thing is - I see lately that they would probably do well to have some time apart. They can't stop playing together. One of my boys would definitely like some time away from his brother and I think he would be happy to have it enforced. And the other would get used to it. I think they're at an age where if they were singletons, they would choose pretty often to do projects, to build things, to read books, to draw pictures,etc. with their free time. But because they always have their playmate right there, they feel like they have to continue playing all their various imaginative games.

 

 

I think you have an unusual situation. Perhaps they are under an evil magic spell and BFG should be banned for 3 days as a test to see if it will break the spell... Just trying to think of a kid-friendly approach. Your kids might think that completely dorky, I know. Mine would. But, would that be a way to break the rut, if that is all it is?

 

I've toyed with the idea of forced separate time, usually when there seems to be a lot of disagreements, but when I suggest it they are always against it. On top of that I am trying not to be in charge of any more things. So, if I were going to institute a designated time of apartness I would have to remind everyone every day and set the plan of action for if someone doesn't follow, etc. That kills it every time. Maybe YOU can incorporate it as a natural part of the day/week, though? Something that doesn't need personal enforcement action by you?

 

That said, we have phases where suddenly some disgruntled person will wander into my space and complain that "Once he starts playing video games he never stops!", or "she is reading a book and I don't want to do that!" or similar. So I guess for us I think it evens a bit.

[Farrar]

 

I think you have an unusual situation. Perhaps they are under an evil magic spell and BFG should be banned for 3 days as a test to see if it will break the spell... Just trying to think of a kid-friendly approach. Your kids might think that completely dorky, I know. Mine would. But, would that be a way to break the rut, if that is all it is?

 

Oh, BFG is way beyond banning for a few days. It is an all-encompassing crazy place full of weird soap operas (an imaginary TV show about a gay pirate duck who's in love with a frog, who's in love with a small plastic girl who's in love with an alien) and political machinations (the evil Thompson has been toppled by the BFG board and then reinstated several times in the last three months). This thing has gone on for about four years now. I can't even imagine banning it. :tongue_smilie: And it's their thing - I don't want to interfere per se.

 

I guess I just see them playing... and one twin is clearly more into than the other sometimes - and sometimes it switches who's more into it. I think they feel an obligation to play together all the time. Like if you had a friend over, you'd play with them - it was be sort of rude to go do your own thing. That's what I feel like I see. They love playing together, but I think they'd like a break from each other and aren't sure how to voice that or negotiate it.

[Runningmom80]

I don't have any advice, but I'm so looking forward to the "golden age of twins." 2 1/2 is not treati me well. :-/

[Danestress]

Mine were always together and always playing. Always. They were hardly ever not in the same room. They slept in the same room.

 

Then around 9, they had to choose one sport, and they chose different things. That started them having different lives. Now they spend significant time apart. They are 15, and have different interests and different friends, but I am pretty sure they share the closest friendship of any two people I know.

 

I would let things happen naturally. It probably will in time.

[Mandylubug]

My girls are 7 and I am starting to teach reading and working on math with them separately. Also, once a week I have started trying to take one with me shopping and the other spends the evening with dh. I believe they need to learn how to react without their other half. The first time we went to town with just one girl, she cried because the back seat was too quiet and lonely without her twin. That solidified the decision to keep doing individual times with them.

[mlktwins]

My boys are 7.5 years old. I know one of them needs space from brother. The other craves someone to "be" with him all the time. They have had separate rooms for a year and a half now and that has helped a lot. They are not allowed to enter each other's room without permission. I am close to implementing separate time because I think it would be good for them. I do split them up into their rooms when they are fighting. Once I split them up though, they are best of buds talking across the hall, etc.

 

I do school them separately in everything except history and science so that gives them each some space.

[mlktwins]

I don't have any advice, but I'm so looking forward to the "golden age of twins." 2 1/2 is not treati me well. :-/

 

 

Hang in there :grouphug: . It gets so much better. I thought I was going to go insane (some of it their age and most of it sleep issues) and then they turned 4. Age 4 was the turning point for me.

[Farrar]

I don't have any advice, but I'm so looking forward to the "golden age of twins." 2 1/2 is not treati me well. :-/

 

 

It'll come... At least, I feel like it does for most people. A month before mine turned 3, they potty trained and started sleeping through the night for the first time ever and it's mostly been downhill from there... though sometimes a rocky downhill.

[Danestress]

I don't have any advice, but I'm so looking forward to the "golden age of twins." 2 1/2 is not treati me well. :-/

 

 

Yes, that was the hardest age - until about 3 1/2. Starting around 4, every single day was a great day. But at 3, it seemed someone was always crying about something. Hang in there.

[lavender's green]

I'm not a mom of twins, so I don't have any practical advice, but my own mother happens to be a twin, so I'll tell you a little story about why time apart is good.

 

Mom and her twin, who she played with all the time, came from a family of 12, and when they were teenagers their father died of cancer. My grandma (who is not always sensitive) once said, in front of Mom and me, that the death had been easiest on the twins "because the two of them had each other." My mom was very hurt by this and later said to me that she thought it was actually harder, because they also had to find their own separate identities while they were mourning. The tragic event forced this identity-separation to happen early, and it was painful because they'd never really been apart, kwim? I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well. Anyway, if the two of them could go back to earlier childhood, I think they'd work on developing their own interests away from each other. They'd still have the awesome twin bond and cherish it, but they'd also have a better understanding of themselves as individuals before life got really rough.

[Runningmom80]

 

 

It'll come... At least, I feel like it does for most people. A month before mine turned 3, they potty trained and started sleeping through the night for the first time ever and it's mostly been downhill from there... though sometimes a rocky downhill.

 

 

Thank you. And sorry for the thread hijack.

[Miss Tick]

 

Oh, BFG is way beyond banning for a few days. It is an all-encompassing crazy place full of weird soap operas (an imaginary TV show about a gay pirate duck who's in love with a frog, who's in love with a small plastic girl who's in love with an alien) and political machinations (the evil Thompson has been toppled by the BFG board and then reinstated several times in the last three months). This thing has gone on for about four years now. I can't even imagine banning it. :tongue_smilie: And it's their thing - I don't want to interfere per se.

 

I guess I just see them playing... and one twin is clearly more into than the other sometimes - and sometimes it switches who's more into it. I think they feel an obligation to play together all the time. Like if you had a friend over, you'd play with them - it was be sort of rude to go do your own thing. That's what I feel like I see. They love playing together, but I think they'd like a break from each other and aren't sure how to voice that or negotiate it.

 

Please, please document what you can. Your family sounds pretty tech savvy, so some of that is probably going on, but definitely do it and archive it somewhere. I remember making a soap opera in elementary on cassette tape and OH, how I wish I still had that tape (even though I guess I would have to sit in the car to listen to it). About all I remember was a loud parrot character. Ah, youth.

 

Wow. That does sound big. I think you need to try out separate time. You could start with a general discussion at breakfast, or some other time not in the thick of it, by outlining what one would do if one were in some kind of situation where a "friend" wanted to play and you wanted to do something else. Nice and generic, but with some specific lines. Then you could let that go for a couple of days and see if it gets used IRL. Regardless, try out some regular "separate time". Can you sacrivice the time after lunch, or maybe say the first 1/2 hour after school work is finished in the afternoon, whatever is easiest for you all.

 

If you force it for a week and it works, great. If you aren't happy with it you can always let it drop.

[NotSoObvious]

We do "quiet time" after lunch and when my girls had separate room, this was their break from each other. They now share a room, but I've thought about having one go in my room... Our house is just so small.

 

Anyhow, yes, I think it is important. Mine are like yours- always imaginatively playing. But, they do their fair share of independent activities as well. And one twin would definitely be with the other all the time, given the choice, while the other twin needs more breaks.

[NotSoObvious]

*I'll also testify to the blessings of twins! Ours never fight and their relationship just seems more special to me as time goes on. I don't have other kids, so it's really a unique experience.

[Lolly]

I would stay out of it. It is their relationship. Unless one is being hurt in some way, just let them manage. When adults get involved, sibling relationships tend to go sour The one exception I would make is if you think they need time apart, then just institute a quiet time where everyone is required to amuse themselves in separate rooms each day. Only an hour max.

[Farrar]

Mine were always together and always playing. Always. They were hardly ever not in the same room. They slept in the same room.

 

Then around 9, they had to choose one sport, and they chose different things. That started them having different lives. Now they spend significant time apart. They are 15, and have different interests and different friends, but I am pretty sure they share the closest friendship of any two people I know.

 

I would let things happen naturally. It probably will in time.

 

This is totally how I want it to be. I guess I'm just worried that they'll end up at odds and giving them space would help. They really have trouble communicating their feelings to each other specifically.

 

I think I'm going to hold off but keep the idea of a separate time in mind...

[Catherine]

Not a mom of twins here, but your description of how they play together reminded me of something I read once about Tolkien and his older brother and the huge, years-long imaginary world they invented and shared for many many years. I absolutely love the idea and I envy your twins!! I've always longed for that kind of sibling relationship. But really, I have no intelligent words to offer about your dilemma. I suspect they will figure it out soon.