Jen in PA Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 I guess this is really just a vent and JAWM post, but I feel so torn up over this. I have had to ban my kids from playing with a certain neighbor child after giving her numerous "second" chances over the past couple of years. She is actually the granddaughter of our neighbors, but her mother is deceased and they have a shared custody arrangement with her father. She is here on weekends and holidays, and during the week all summer, so my kids see her quite frequently, and my DD has slept over at her house a couple of times. She has intense mood swings, and frequently leaves my kids in tears. I have listened in from the window or overheard her from around the side of the house making ultimatums, telling my kids that if they don't do x or give her y, she won't be their friend. DD is good about walking away, but DS ends up trying to please her, and will plead with me to provide him with whatever she asks for, usually specific snacks. Yesterday was the last straw -- she spat in my DD's face and her cousin, who was visiting, yanked streamers from the handlebar of the bike my DD just got for Christmas. I told my son, right in front of her, that he could no longer play with her due to her bullying behavior. Today I found an apology note tucked under the porch door, but it is less than a month since her last apology note, and things have only gotten worse since then. I really do feel sorry for her -- not only did she lose her mom at a young age and go through the custody battle between her dad and grandparents, but I get the sense from what she says that she has an unhappy home life in both of her homes. I tried very hard to include her in fun family activities like making cookies and holiday crafts, I always make sure she gets a snack when she's here, and I make a point of asking how school is going.... but I feel like we have hit the point where trying to help her means setting my kids up to be hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 There is only so much you can do, and you've already done it. I wouldn't let my ds play with a kid like that, either. You've already gone above and beyond the call of duty here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 I would not allow them to play anymore. If for whatever you do want to continue, stay near them at all times. It's possible that her behavior could change around you, but set some general rules (like no name calling, that all kids have to listen to). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 I agree. You're first obligation is to your own kids. Maybe this will be a wake up call of sorts to the grandparents. It is a very sad story. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Dd is no longer allowed to play with the neighbor diva. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 We've had a few friends like that. We've gone two ways. Either we stop playing altogether, or we have very specific, supervised play times where I am present and involved the entire time. It's just depended on my relationship wight the parents and whether it was worth the investment. A neighbor is hard though. Supervising all the time is hard, but telling them they can't play can be even harder. I actually feel sorry for the kid. She's obviously not getting what she needs. I remember from our foster classes how kids who go to live with grandparents suffer two loses- the parent and the grandparents because they really do lose a normal grandparent relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 Dd is no longer allowed to play with the neighbor diva. I'm very glad to hear that, Jean -- that kid was trouble! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 We've had a few friends like that. We've gone two ways. Either we stop playing altogether, or we have very specific, supervised play times where I am present and involved the entire time. It's just depended on my relationship wight the parents and whether it was worth the investment. A neighbor is hard though. Supervising all the time is hard, but telling them they can't play can be even harder. It can feel a bit awkward for the first day or two, but after that, it's such an incredible RELIEF to not feel like you have to constantly watch a particular troublemaking kid. After a very short time, "not playing together" becomes the new normal, and it's so much less stressful than dealing with an unpredictable or mean child who will smile to your face and then do something rotten to your kid. It's great to try to help the kid, and it's sweet to give the kid a second chance, but some kids will never change into kind and considerate people, and as a neighbor mom, you really can't do a single thing about it. But you can protect your own children from sneaky or mean kids by establishing a strict "no playing together" rule. As you said, it can be tough, depending on how friendly you are with the parents, but I'd rather lose the parents as friends than have my child be stuck dealing with a major brat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 We had neighbor drama, too. The kids were downright terrible (increasing over time, almost like the frog in the pot with the heat turned up), and as sad as my kids were, we banned all neighborhood play. Especially tough considering the homeschool thing and how nice it was for them to have "friends" outside. Oh well, it wasn't worth it. I uncharacteristically looked the other way for a moderate amount of time, then threw in the towel. Some kids are just not good friends...and can't be made to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 I have had neighbor drama myself, many years ago and I concur with the poster's who say you will feel relieved to stop dealing with it. Honestly, sometimes the most kind thing you can do is show someone that their behavior is not acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 There is only so much you can do, and you've already done it. I wouldn't let my ds play with a kid like that, either. You've already gone above and beyond the call of duty here. I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 We've had a few friends like that. We've gone two ways. Either we stop playing altogether, or we have very specific, supervised play times where I am present and involved the entire time. It's just depended on my relationship wight the parents and whether it was worth the investment. A neighbor is hard though. Supervising all the time is hard, but telling them they can't play can be even harder. I actually feel sorry for the kid. She's obviously not getting what she needs. I remember from our foster classes how kids who go to live with grandparents suffer two loses- the parent and the grandparents because they really do lose a normal grandparent relationship. :iagree: That has happened here, too. WEhen I have time to be phyically present for a specific activity, playing at my house only was OK. Not at her house, at a park, or at another neighbor's. It's hard- I think I phrased it something like "I want you all to have fun, and since you all need my help... something or other"- it;s been a few years- they naturally grew apart. As much as I wanted to be a good infuence on a kid in a bad situation- I wasn't going to sacrifice my kids in the process. Also, if you continue to allow play time with this child- be VERY VERY specific on what your kids are to come to you IMMEDIATELY with- NO MATTER WHAT! And trust me, you won't be able to even guess at every stupid thing that will come up- so include the general "Anythign you don't want to do or just feel is bad." Remind them politeness and manners don't always apply- they need to protect themselves over avoiding hurting the other child's feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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