etiquette questions

[Flowing Brook]

I clean houses for people. I do not expect them to feed me when I am there over meal time. I try to avoid meal times but sometimes it just can't be helped. Most people just go ahead and eat and let me continue cleaning. These two situations arose that really made me feel uncomfortable and unsure what to do. Here are the situations.

 

1. I was cleaning it was lunch time. The lady I will call her L came in and said she was going to go to the resteraunt up the street and get something to eat. She asked me if I would like anything. I said no thanks I am not hungry and kept on working. A few minutes later she asks if I am sure I do not want anything to eat from the resteraunt. I said no thanks if I get hungry I will just go home and get something. Then she proceeds to tell me all the wonderful food they have. Again I declined. She asked again. Without thinking I asked her if she was offering to buy me lunch. Her husband walked in and said yes she was. With him saying that and her repeated offers I felt rude declining and said sure thanks and let her order what she kept recommending.

A few minutes later I over heard her chewing her husband out for buying us lunch. Apparently she was not asking because she was buying. I did not have any cash on me and really did not know what to do. She has cancer and I usually cleaned for her for either free or a greatly reduced price. This time I cleaned for free and said nothing about dinner (other than thanking her).

 

Situation 2. Last night I was helping a lady wrap presents. We had been working several hours. She asked if I had a certain time I had to get home. I told her no that I was willing to work either until the job was done or she was ready to be done for the night and to let me know when she was ready for me to go home. She then started talking about thawing something for supper. A little later she asked me if I ever eat in resteraunts. I said sometimes. Then she said her and her husband might just go to the resteraunt in town for supper. At the time I did not think she was giving a subtle hint especially since I had already told her to tell me when we were done. After that she asked me if I would like to go with them. I said no thanks. Then told her that I would go home eat and for her to call me when they were done and I would come back and help them finish. She then asked me if it made me uncomfortable or was it against my religious beliefs to go to dinner with them. I was just uncomfortable because I did not have enough cash on me to buy dinner I did not tell her this. I could tell she was a little confused as to why I did not want to go eat with them. So I said I would like that. Then she said her husband would pay since I was helping her. I then said I appreciated it but I had some money on me and would pay. (was it rude of me to say that) She did not say anything. Well we got to the resteraunt and it was way more than I had thought. I was going to get something cheap. However they really wanted me to try the rib sandwhich. So I agreed and when we were done did not offer to pay.

 

So my question is what would you all have done in these situations?

I get really nervous in these situations because I don't know what to do and people pick up on my being nervous and I feel even more akward.

 

Last question: everyone I clean for gives me a gift for christmas. Am I supossed to give them a gift also?

 

If you made it this far thank you. I really appreciate any and all comments.

Sometimes I wish Life came with a manual. :tongue_smilie:

[TammyS]

Both persons handled it badly. But here might be a solution for you:

 

Bring something to eat every time. A sandwich, a powerbar, whatever. Then when they offer to take you out or buy you something, you can say: "No thanks, I've got a meal. I always bring something because if I eat out then it cancels out the money that I make from these jobs."

 

That way, you don't have to say directly you don't have the money, but rather you state that you are making a financial choice.

[idnib]

I give everyone who helps me some cash at the holidays. I don't expect anything in return.

 

Both these situations are weird. I don't know what I would have done in your place, but I think going forward I would just keep declining and either stay while they're gone or come back later after their return.

[TravelingChris]

I think these people acted strangely. I have had cleaners over the years and I have never taken them out to dinner or gotten them lunches. If I was getting anyone lunch or giving them any food, I would pay. But honestly, while I do give them tips, I don't feed them. They don't eat their own food here though some do bring a soda. Since there is no soda in my house, I can't even offer them that.

[Parrothead]

I think both women were extremely rude in keeping on about it after you said no the second time. (asking twice is polite)

 

I think I would have just said that I was not prepared to eat out. Anyone with half a brain would figure out that money was the objection, and wouldn't push.

 

No, no reason to give your clients a gift.

[Cosmos]

Are these people friends of yours in addition to being clients? That's the only reason I can think that they would act so strangely!

 

Can you think of some "policies" to whip out, like, "Thank you so much, but I have a policy not to eat while on the job" or "I have a policy not to socialize with my clients".

 

It sounds like you work closely with your clients, so this may not work, but when I used to clean houses and clients tried to chat with me, I'd just cheerfully burst out with, "You just go right ahead with your plans. I'm going to get back to my cleaning now" and bustle right along. It was a little rude, but in such a cheerful, brisk way that nobody ever took offense. I didn't want to get involved in personal discussions! And nobody ever invited me out for lunch. How strange!

[Flowing Brook]

Are these people friends of yours in addition to being clients? That's the only reason I can think that they would act so strangely!

 

Can you think of some "policies" to whip out, like, "Thank you so much, but I have a policy not to eat while on the job" or "I have a policy not to socialize with my clients".

 

It sounds like you work closely with your clients, so this may not work, but when I used to clean houses and clients tried to chat with me, I'd just cheerfully burst out with, "You just go right ahead with your plans. I'm going to get back to my cleaning now" and bustle right along. It was a little rude, but in such a cheerful, brisk way that nobody ever took offense. I didn't want to get involved in personal discussions! And nobody ever invited me out for lunch. How strange!

 

 

Neither are friends. Like I said the first lady had cancer and sold us a cat at a reduced price. They had alot of medical bills so to help them out I would often clean for them for either free or a reduced price.

The second lady is super sweet but our relationship is strictly that of I work for her.

 

Thanks everyone for the replies. I don't feel quite so stupid now. I still feel badly though that the first lady bought me lunch when she really did not want to. I guess for me it is a live and learn situation?

[nono]

I don't think it's ever wrong to say, "Oh, that's not in my budget."

 

And then the offerer can gracefully say, A. "Oh, I wasn't clear. It'll be my treat." Or B. "Oh, maybe another time then..." (If they don't respond, perhaps you could say, "Well, nono said, you could say A. or B." :laugh: )

 

I wouldn't waste any more time thinking about it.

[Mommyof4ks]

The first lady should have let it go after you initially said no thank you since she did not intend to pay. The second was clear with her intentions to pay, so I would not feel awkward about that at all. It was a gift from them to you. I do agree with PP, if you want to avoid the situation just being a lunch. People often feel awkward eating in front of people or sending people home to eat while they go out or eat their dinner at home.

 

People usually say something like, 'I want to buy you lunch, why don't we go to X place,' or 'hey, let's go to lunch' which usually means we are paying our own way, but no everyone is clear with their intentions. Either way if you say no they should drop it.

 

It is common for people to get gifts for people who work for them, but not as common for the employees, so I don't think you should feel obligated to get them anything.

[myfunnybunch]

Weird.

 

1) Weird and rude. Why continue to ask, and for heaven's sake, if you were cleaning for me for free or reduced cost, I'd be delighted to spring for lunch for you. Maybe you should come clean for me! ;)

 

2) A little weird too, since you don't have a relationship beyond working for her. She sounds like she was trying to be nice and it just didn't occur to her until you mentioned it that you might not have enough money. My guess is that she didn't mind paying for your meal, since she offered in the first place. I probably would have felt exactly the same way in your shoes.

 

I agree with nono, it's perfectly fine to say something like, "That's a little out of my budget right now, so I'd be more comfortable going home for my meal." If you really don't want to go, you can add, "That way I can also _____________." Check my email, make sure the cat got fed, etc. Something that needs just a few minutes attention at home. It gives you a bit of an out because you've got a specific reason to pop in at home instead of going out.

 

Nope, you don't need to give them a gift. If you've got time, a nice card would be a lovely gesture, but that's not necessary or expected.

 

Cat

[regentrude]

you do not need to give them a gift. I give gifts to people who work for me (riding teacher, piano teacher, construction worker if it's a long job), but it would never occur to me they should give me one: my gift is a thank-you for their work.

 

With the eating, I think it is an uncomfortable situation for both parties (of course the lady who chewed out her husband in your hearing was clearly rude), because it always implies an assumption about your financial situation: if they offer to pay, you might find that condescending; if they assume you pay, you might not have enough money. I suggest that you are very clear and tell them that it is not in your budget. This leaves them the opportunity to offer to pay for your meal - or to go on their own.

[Guest submarines]

I think these people acted strangely. I have had cleaners over the years and I have never taken them out to dinner or gotten them lunches. If I was getting anyone lunch or giving them any food, I would pay. But honestly, while I do give them tips, I don't feed them. They don't eat their own food here though some do bring a soda. Since there is no soda in my house, I can't even offer them that.

 

 

They acted strangely and rude. If I were to invite my cleaner for dinner, I'd be abundantly clear that it was my treat and I wouldn't let her pay for her meal, even if she insisted.

 

ETA: FWIW, I don't consider this condescending. When I invite, I pay--always. Period. And if she refused, I wouldn't insist beyond a single polite double-checking.

[Slipper]

What an odd situation! I agree with the previous posters that you did nothing wrong.

 

I have a housekeeper and she is rarely here during meal-times. On occasion, I ask her to work a few hours over. (She typically works three, but I might make arrangements in advance for her to stay a total of 5 or 6 hours). Once she is here for over four hours, I order a pizza from pizza hut and make it clear that she should take a break and eat something. And of course, I pay (and pay for the time she's eating). She brings her own soda, but I make it clear she's welcome to anything to drink while she's here (though she's only asked for a soda once).

 

I don't understand offering you food without offering to pay for your food. I don't blame you for being uncomfortable.

 

I give Christmas checks to our house-keeper, lawn care person, piano teacher and will probably send something to our dog groomer next year. I give to those who provide me great service through-out the year which makes my life easier. I don't expect anything in return - the most I've been given in return is a thoughtful Christmas card. If you feel you should do something, give them a Christmas card with something nice written in it.

[Desert Rat]

I clean houses, too.

 

Those 2 instances are very weird! I have the same hours with all my clients. I clean in the afternoons 12:30 until I'm done, usually 3:30 or so. While it rarely runs into meal times and my clients are always home (elderly), eating has never been an issue. Sure, they have offered, but when I decline they leave it at that. I also don't accept drinks other than to refill my water if needed. I think they were rude to continually ask. It puts you on the spot of feeling like you can not refuse.

 

With your second scenario, after the hints, I would have probably said I would like to go home and check on things and grab a quick bite then arrange a return time. It still sounded like a weird situation though.

 

As for gifts.... I receive gifts from clients. Usually gift cards or a cash bonus. I do give my clients baked goods I've made. The last 2 years I've given out homemade apple butter. But that was a tradition my dad and I shared. With his passing, I didn't have the heart to do it this year. A couple of clients were disappointed that I didn't make some this year. I think I will next year though. I handed out a small tin of fudge and cookies and a loaf of banana bread, tied up pretty with a cheap ornament (6 for $1 at the dollar store-snowflakes because it's neutral). I've had the same clients for 3 years though. They are friends at this point.

[Flowing Brook]

Thanks everyone. You all have definitely made me feel better about the situations.