Unequal Friendships?

[JumpyTheFrog]

Do you think unequal friendships are common? I'm thinking about cases where one person values the friendship more than the other person (maybe because the first person has far fewer friends than the second). Or cases where one person is much more open than the other, or maybe there is a big age/stage of life gap and the older person doesn't consider the younger as equal.

[HomeschoolMamaOfTwo]

I don't know about common, but I have definitely experienced this. More than once, even.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I don't know about common, but I have definitely experienced this. More than once, even.

 

If you were the one lower in the pecking order, did you give up or just accept the friendship for what it was, knowing it would never improve?

[Guest submarines]

If you were the one lower in the pecking order, did you give up or just accept the friendship for what it was, knowing it would never improve?

 

I accepted it for a while--as long as our conversation were fun / pleasant for me. Then the fact that it wasn't reciprocated started to bug me more, and I stepped back for a while. I can't say I really miss this person, but I do feel a pang of regret at times.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I have one friend. She has other friends that I don't "hang out" with. I consider her my "best friend" but she's never called me that, though she has refereed to other friends as her "best friend" on facebook. I have no idea if the things she confides in me she are things she talks with her other friends. Sometimes it makes me sad, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not about to guilt-trip her into calling me a "best friend."

 

We're planning on moving out of state in (hopefully) some time in the next 6 months. Once that happens we'll probably only be facebook friends.

[myfunnybunch]

If you were the one lower in the pecking order, did you give up or just accept the friendship for what it was, knowing it would never improve?

 

When I realized this about one of my friendships, I worked on cultivating other friendships and let that relationship become a sort of incidental friendship. I put about as much effort into it as the other person. She evened things up a little, but not a lot, and that was okay with me because I decided to just let it be whatever it was going to be. Actually, we have been friends for a long time. I would say we're good friends and we enjoy one another's company, but we're not super-close bff's

[sparrow]

Do you think unequal friendships are common? I'm thinking about cases where one person values the friendship more than the other person (maybe because the first person has far fewer friends than the second). Or cases where one person is much more open than the other, or maybe there is a big age/stage of life gap and the older person doesn't consider the younger as equal.

 

I'm not sure if they're common, but I've been in a few. I'm probably the one that gave less in a couple of friendships :blushing: . I think it depends on what people need. I don't like to share everything in my life and I've had friends that needed to do that. I'm sure they felt I wasn't putting as much into the relationship, but I was giving what I could.

[Impish]

I think it really depends.

 

There are friends that I call more than they call me. I'm honestly ok w/that. I really don't worry about 'keeping score' in terms of who does what.

 

Would be totally different if someone I thought was a friend acted like they were superior or something...that kind of thing would have me walking away. More experienced, fine. I enjoy learning from friends and ppl who I care about, and care about me and mine. But no 'lesser than' attitude.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I consider her my "best friend" but she's never called me that

 

 

I consider the woman I have in mind my best female friend (I don't seem to click with women much) but I'm closer to the age of her kids than her age. Other than one particular struggle in life we both share, she doesn't confide in me at all. I am not a particularly open person, and I don't think I am the type to expect people to share their feelings too much. But still, I feel like I can trust her, but maybe she either doesn't trust me, or doesn't think I have any advice worth offering.

 

Would be totally different if someone I thought was a friend acted like they were superior or something.

 

 

She doesn't act superior, she just doesn't really share anything personal. The stuff I know is all stuff other members of her family have told me.

[Impish]

So, the real question is, is this reality, or is this your perception? I mean, she's not treating you w/disrespect, or disdain, right? She's just not as open as you've been.

 

Talk to her about how you've been feeling, and see what she says. It may simply be that she doesn't confide in anyone. It *may* be that she views you as a surrogate kid, as opposed to just another adult, and doesn't want to burden you w/things, the same as she'd do w/her own kids.

 

There's a variety of reasons for the situation, and may well have no negative implications for you at all.

[Bree]

Have you talked to her about how you feel. I had a friend who I had known for a long time and one day she yelled at me for not valuing our friendship and I was her best friend. I knew we were friends but I didn't know how much she valued my friendship till she told me. I felt really bad and we ended up being best friends. I don't think I would of realized unless she would of said anything either because she isn't one to share deep down personal things either. I think that is what threw me is that she wasn't sharing her struggles and all that, but that was just her personality, but I truly was her best friend and she ended up mine too :)

[ChocolateMom]

I accepted it for a while--as long as our conversation were fun / pleasant for me. Then the fact that it wasn't reciprocated started to bug me more, and I stepped back for a while. I can't say I really miss this person, but I do feel a pang of regret at times.

 

I had this same experience. My friendship was with a woman who was a bit older than I was and she would always remind me of that fact. She provided me with great insight and lots of fun times, however, I think she always thought I needed her guidance in everything. I know she loved me as I loved her, but we were never equals. She never asked for my advice and often dismissed my opinions. I stepped back for a while because she became very overbearing. We went from speaking every day to maybe twice a week. Unfortunately, she passed away suddenly last year and I still feel regret about the type of friendship we had. I wish she had really gotten to know me better as an equal.

[jujsky]

Do you think unequal friendships are common? I'm thinking about cases where one person values the friendship more than the other person (maybe because the first person has far fewer friends than the second). Or cases where one person is much more open than the other, or maybe there is a big age/stage of life gap and the older person doesn't consider the younger as equal.

 

Oh, I think so. Most of my friendships are unequal. Some times I'm undervalued, sometimes I undervalue my friends. I think it's worse now that I'm homeschooling. It used to be that I was undervalued in most of my friendships, and now I usually put much less of an effort into my friendships than my friends do. I don't have the energy or time and we seem to be on different schedules. My friends with kids in school are busy after work rushing their kids to activities so they tend to call me in the middle of the day when I can't talk because I'm teaching. In the afternoon I'm also rushing my kids to activities. It's hard to connect, and I put much less effort into connecting with people than they do. In fact, if it wasn't for my husband pushing us to go out with this set of friends or have that set of friends over, I would almost never see anyone outside of our activities.

[Murphy101]

I think it's normal. Sometimes it fluctuates and sometimes it's always like that. *shrugs*

 

I used to think it was me. Now I know sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't and just take it as God's province to be more time talking with dh and kids. :)

[Sevilla]

Do you think unequal friendships are common? I'm thinking about cases where one person values the friendship more than the other person (maybe because the first person has far fewer friends than the second). Or cases where one person is much more open than the other, or maybe there is a big age/stage of life gap and the older person doesn't consider the younger as equal.

 

Yes, I've encountered this a lot. I have quite a few people in my life who want to be closer friends than we actually are. It's a delicate balance to still stay friendly but not encourage a deeper friendship b/c it isn't something I want in my life right now. I think I'm very fortunate to have quite a few close friends AND close family members, so my relational energy is spread out. I don't desire a 'best friend' nor do I want to build new friendships at this point in my life - I'm relationally full.

 

So it's awkward when a mom who I enjoy talking with casually at church suggests getting together for playdates - I'm not in the same phase of life as her (she has one toddler and I have older kids and a baby), we live far apart, and our rhythms of doing friendship are different (b/c I tried the playdate thing with her a few years ago and it was a disaster). But she doesn't get it and I can't take that burden on - she needs friends who can share the lifestage she's in now. I'm not that person - I am a friendly acquaintance.

 

I don't feel any responsibility to 'match' friendship energy with others in my life. I will give to a relationship the level that I desire to get out of it. For some that is a casual friendship. For others it is a deeper investment. But just b/c someone wants to invest deeper in friendship with me doesnt mean I need to accept it or reciprocate. I like balance in relationships where we're both giving the same but when that doesn't happen it's usually b/c the other person is trying to get more from me than I want to give (note: I don't expect much from my friends, just pleasant company when we're together. I don't need to vent or share my deepest secrets/hopes/fears/insecurities nor do I desire to do that.