MamaBearTeacher Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 A few months ago DS6 decided he doesn't like DS8. We tried to talk him out of it/tell him it was unacceptable to talk that way and when that did not work we decided to ignore it and hoped he would forget about it. It started when DS8 was having trouble keeping his food down and vomiting a lot. DS8 is not vomiting anymore and several months have gone by and DS6 still declares that he does not like his brother. We have told him it is unacceptable to say this. DS8 has special needs and cannot defend himself. He is very mature in many ways and feels that his brother loves him deep down but still I worry that it hurts him. Our oldest DS11 also has more severe special needs and DS6 adores him so he is picking on DS8 for some reason. I don't know what to do. DS6 can be very stubborn and has been especially stubborn over this issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. This must be very hard for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 (edited) I'm so, so sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: You have much more restraint than I would have. I would not be able to ignore that. I also cannot say what I would do in that situation, because I have a feeling my perspective would not go over well here. Suffice it to say that it would be very painful for us *all*, and no one in my home would be allowed to behave in an unkind way toward someone with special needs, brother or no. Edited October 6, 2012 by Julie in CA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I'm sorry. My ds will say he doesn't like dd or i quite often, but it passes and on his own, he'll tell us he's sorry and loves us. Can he tell you why? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaBearTeacher Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 The reasons he has given were: 1. the throwing up (which ended) 2. because he loves DS11 and therefore cannot love DS8 (he would not hear reason on this) 3. because DS8 runs too much (he does) None of this is logical but I just wish it would have ended by now and DH and I don't know what to do as nothing has worked so far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celia Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I guess if one of my kids did that I'd probably send them to their room anytime an unkind word/action towards that person happened, and tell them not to come out until they could apologize and be kind. There would also be consequences like loss of privileges, like with any kind of disobedience. BTW, your signature needs updating :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevilla Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Is counseling for DS6 an option? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnylady303 Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 We went through something like this and my opinion might not be very popular here. When DD1 struggled with it, I would talk to her alone. I paid attention to validating her feelings. Not everyone is always going to like everyone. Having my DD2 so often sick is a stress on DD1. It sounds the same for your son. Feelings aren't always rational either and I want her to know she can come to me with those feelings even when they don't make sense and I will accept them and her. Now I draw a hard and fast line at words and actions. Whatever her feelings, I expect her to treat her sister kindly and speak only encouraging words. There are consequences for not doing so. I have found that affirming the feelings privately does a lot to take the steam out of the difficulty in their relationship. Just my quick $.02. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I agree with counseling. I dont think he should be punished for how he feels. How long did you ignore him? What happened when it was ignored? Is there anything he can do to help with ds8? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 Yes, I would really look into counseling if you can find someone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunnylady303 Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I'm going to buck the trend again and say that *I* would not jump to counseling for what sounds like it could be a very normal 6YO reaction to what is (or was) a difficult situation. I would try some intense validating first, combined with strict rules/consequences. I believe counseling is never bad but I still think it may be an overreaction here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 In my opinion, he can dislike his brother but he cannot treat him with disrespect. So he cannot treat his brother poorly, say anything mean to him (including "I don't like you"), treat him like he isn't there (ignore him). He can express his feelings to you privately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I'm going to buck the trend again and say that *I* would not jump to counseling for what sounds like it could be a very normal 6YO reaction to what is (or was) a difficult situation. I would try some intense validating first, combined with strict rules/consequences. I believe counseling is never bad but I still think it may be an overreaction here. The reason I said counseling is because she said it's been going on for several months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaBearTeacher Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 We went through something like this and my opinion might not be very popular here. When DD1 struggled with it, I would talk to her alone. I paid attention to validating her feelings. Not everyone is always going to like everyone. Having my DD2 so often sick is a stress on DD1. It sounds the same for your son. Feelings aren't always rational either and I want her to know she can come to me with those feelings even when they don't make sense and I will accept them and her. Now I draw a hard and fast line at words and actions. Whatever her feelings, I expect her to treat her sister kindly and speak only encouraging words. There are consequences for not doing so. I have found that affirming the feelings privately does a lot to take the steam out of the difficulty in their relationship. Just my quick $.02. I like this approach. I will try it and see how it goes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I'm going to buck the trend again and say that *I* would not jump to counseling for what sounds like it could be a very normal 6YO reaction to what is (or was) a difficult situation. I would try some intense validating first, combined with strict rules/consequences. I believe counseling is never bad but I still think it may be an overreaction here. I always jump to counseling because i forget what a typical 6yo is capable of expressing. Mine will be 8 very soon, and is not very expressive when he needs to be. But then again, we have yet to find a therapist or counselor that can get more out of him than i can! I agree with more talking and letting him vent to you privately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 I like this approach. I will try it and see how it goes! I like that too. I think it's OK that he doesn't like his brother right now. You don't have to like your siblings all the time. You DO have to treat them kindly no matter how you feel about them. I think if you validate his feelings in private and let him know that he's not a terrible person--but he does have to be kind--it will blow over sooner than if you punish him or don't allow him to express his feelings. Remember the book Beezus and Ramona? Ramona drives Beezus crazy, and B. feels angry and guilty about not liking her sister all the time. It's a great little book and I'd recommend it to you right about now. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKidAcademy Posted October 6, 2012 Share Posted October 6, 2012 In my opinion, he can dislike his brother but he cannot treat him with disrespect. So he cannot treat his brother poorly, say anything mean to him (including "I don't like you"), treat him like he isn't there (ignore him). He can express his feelings to you privately. I like that too. I think it's OK that he doesn't like his brother right now. You don't have to like your siblings all the time. You DO have to treat them kindly no matter how you feel about them. I think if you validate his feelings in private and let him know that he's not a terrible person--but he does have to be kind--it will blow over sooner than if you punish him or don't allow him to express his feelings. Remember the book Beezus and Ramona? Ramona drives Beezus crazy, and B. feels angry and guilty about not liking her sister all the time. It's a great little book and I'd recommend it to you right about now. :) We went through something like this and my opinion might not be very popular here. When DD1 struggled with it, I would talk to her alone. I paid attention to validating her feelings. Not everyone is always going to like everyone. Having my DD2 so often sick is a stress on DD1. It sounds the same for your son. Feelings aren't always rational either and I want her to know she can come to me with those feelings even when they don't make sense and I will accept them and her. Now I draw a hard and fast line at words and actions. Whatever her feelings, I expect her to treat her sister kindly and speak only encouraging words. There are consequences for not doing so. I have found that affirming the feelings privately does a lot to take the steam out of the difficulty in their relationship. Just my quick $.02. :iagree: I liken this to a child who is angry with a parent. It's fine to be angry; we all get angry occasionally. It is **how** we deal with that emotion. Family members do not treat one another with disrespect. (((hugs))) Mama. This must be very difficult for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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