S/O: Survivors of NPD Parents

[Hockey Mom]

First, let me say that reading that thread has been a relief and a heartbreak. A relief to know that I'm not the only one who went through that type of horror, and heartbreak because so many of us have. :grouphug:

 

My question for you all:

 

Do you find, as a result of the hell you lived through as a child, that you over-compensate with your own children?

 

For example, Christmas at my mother's house was awful. Ever since my children were born, I have gone all out trying to make Christmas as magical as possible.

 

Birthdays are a big deal.

 

I am really big on "making memories" and trying to create the childhood for my children that I wish I had. Do you do the same?

[GWOB]

Oh yes. And it is HARD! All I know is what NOT to do wrt parenting. Christmas was a big passive-aggressive fest. What you got depended on how well you pleased the NPD person that year. The year CPS got called because I stopped covering for them I got crap for Christmas. I was told I personally ruined everything for everyone. So now I kinda go overboard for Christmas. Hoping to change that this year.

 

My parents could never be bothered to take me to any sort of extra-curricular activity. They told me I could do whatever I wanted as long as someone else brought me. We wouldn't want to cut into their TV-watching or drama-making time. I used to sign my kids up for everything under the sun. I am slowly, slowly learning to cut down on that stuff.

 

I don't beat the crap out of my kids. Well, I think that's just common sense.

 

My kids never hear my dh and I fighting. Dh and I will disagree in front of the kids (I think it's healthy for kids to see their parents rationally work through a disagreement), but we save our throw-downs for after the kids go to bed, and we usually walk outside for those very few times.

 

My girls will never, ever, ever have my own personal body issues inflicted upon them. They never hear the word "fat" in reference to bodies. They see my struggles to maintain a healthy weight through diet and exercise, but I will never comment on their weight. Dh and I just try to model a healthy lifestyle.

 

I may go a little overboard in telling my dds that they are beautiful, special people. I watch my words. When my oldest dd slouches, I don't tell her she looks like a d@mn monkey. I tell her to stand tall and proud because she is a beautiful young lady and shouldn't be afraid to show it. I have never called my kids stupid, satanic, slutty (that one came before I ever kissed a boy), hateful, stupid, manipulative, did I mention stupid? I address their specific behavior, not their person. I never try to ruin their relationships with their siblings, like my mother did. Instead, I build up and perhaps overemphasize their sibling relationships.

 

When you survive an NPD/unmedicated Bipolar/severely abusive home, parenting in a healthy way is hard. you only know what not to do, not what to actually do. I like to think I'm very realistic about my kids' strengths and weaknesses, and I'm pretty sure they are happy, well-adjusted kids. I am saving for therapy just in case;).

[Reflections]

I let my children know everyday that they are valued and loved for who they ARE. And I let them know that one day they will be their own person who I will support to the best of my ability. The one way that I feel that I overcompensate in is letting them know they have choices - it is not strictly "my way is the best and only way".

 

One thing that I wish that people would take away from knowing "of" a son or daughter of a parent with NPD is that they will have lots of growing pains as they mature into an adult and to cut them some slack. They will try very hard to break away and then will get sucked back in and it can turn into a vicious cycle - especially if they think that the NPD is right and everyone is on their side.

[Cassy]

Yes, definitely. I am ever mindful to nurture my kids with warmth and love, to respect their developing personalities, to be careful not to criticise, not to be harsh. My mother died four years ago and still when I see her face in my mind it is a dark, angry scowl, her voice dripping sarcasm and hatred; I really, really don't want that to be the enduring image of me left in my kids minds.

[LaxMom]

Oh, so many things! I am constantly second guessing and rolling things around in my head. Do I think/do this because of her? Do I think/do this as an opposite reaction to her? What kind of message am I sending my children if I say/do X?

 

What I've learned is that I mostly overthink things, the kids are comfortable and secure in our family relationship, and they are comfortable in speaking up. They don't internalize off the cuff remarks because they know we're kidding, or because they know it's ok to have "flaws" and be constantly correcting them.

 

Yesterday, I was admiring the new down vest I bought at the thrift shop and commented that I think it's super cute. My daughter looked up and said "well not over your nightgown, it's not". So I told her she has no fashion sense. She eyeballed me for a moment more, went back to her book and said "do you really think that's true?" with a smirk. She is completely secure in her knowledge that her mother is a lunatic. :lol:

[G5052]

I felt "frozen," afraid of doing too much, so I did too little. Some NPD children choose to never have children because of the fear of messing up, and I think that I had some of this in the background. I wasn't quite sure for awhile whether I was really cut out to be a mother. Over time though, I found my way.

 

I like to think that I've "remade" myself by working out what my children need versus following the patterns I was shown in my own childhood. Certainly their childhoold has been way different than mine.

 

As an example, someone was commenting to me about siblings teasing each other and joking around, and how they missed that part of life now that they were an adult. I had a horrible realization that I don't remember joking around at home when I was growing up. We really didn't have family jokes, funny names, funny stories, etc. I can't remember kidding around with my sibling at all. In contrast, we're very funny my home. I joke around with my kids all day long, and it takes off even more when DH comes home. Thankfully it has always been that way (DH is the key though).

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Constantly second guessing myself on my parenting. One of my sisters lives with me, and I'm always asking her if she thinks my parenting decisions are okay. It's ridiculous. I don't ask dh, because he kind of had the opposite. He had neglectful parents who were selfish and shouldn't have had kids, but they weren't NPD. He was raised by "the help", so he has no parenting to look back on, either.

 

Christmas and birthdays were a huge deal at our house growing up, because they weren't for my NPD parent when she was a child. So, we had extravagant, over the top holidays and birthdays, which were not about us.

 

I'm trying to have balanced, reasonable holidays and birthdays, and the like.

 

It's exhausting. But, even though I know I'm not doing a perfect job, I'm not purposely trying to destroy my children's self esteem, and am not raising them to think everything is about my needs and desires, so at least it's a start. Hopefully, their kids will have it better.

[Impish]

Honestly, when I was a single parent, yeah.

 

Having Wolf now helps a LOT.

 

We balance each other.

[Hen]

yes, I second guess myself a lot, and I tend to over-compensate on taking my kids/ signing my kids up for lessons/activities (sometimes it is too much and I don't really like all the driving-money we spend but I feel guilty if I don't give my kids opportunities to do things, my mom did not like to be inconvenienced and we didn't do anything) or I spend too much money on a kid because I don't know what to get them and feel guilty so I just throw more money at it. I know what I am doing while I am doing it and comment on the "mom guilt" but still do it.

[Mommy22alyns]

Somewhat, but not in a bad way, I think? I make sure they know I love them just the way they are. I would NEVER criticize their natural appearance (my mom constantly made fun of me for being small-breasted). They're in extracurricular activities and I show my support for them.

 

But sometimes I do feel frozen. So something would never have flown for me; should it for them? What if I go too far in the opposite direction? What if I screw up my kids?!?!?!

[jujsky]

No, I don't think I overcompensate. My dad was NPD, but I also know he was abused as a child and had a totally messed-up upbringing. My grandfather was a big believer in boys being "tough" so he'd force my dad and uncle to physically fight each other. My uncle was 3 years older than my dad -- I'm sure you can guess how those fights generally turned out :glare: Though my dad fits the criteria for NPD, he wasn't as extreme as some of the other NPD parents I've read about. I attribute this partially to him being a man, and therefore not the primary parent. He was rarely home between work and all of his hobbies.

 

IDK. A couple years before my dad's suicide, we made amends. I think a lot of who he was couldn't really be helped due to his upbringing. He really was a lost soul who didn't have much of a chance, and he ended up being his own worst enemy. If there had been physical abuse or more emotional abuse than there was, I don't know if I could have felt compassion for him. He'd try. He would. Then he'd turn back into his selfish self. I could see the glimmer of the person he could have been. It's sad. I look at his baby pictures and think about what his life could have been like if he didn't have such a controlling, abusive, fill-in-the-blank for a father. What saddens me most is I think my dad had a lot more potential as a grandfather than as a father, but he died when the kids were toddlers, and only got a chance to see them once.