MIL vent -- a fairly small one this time

[jujsky]

MIL drive me insane and drives my poor hubby insane. Her latest crud involves the kids' b-day party. The kids' b-days are about 5 weeks apart -- History Kid turned 9 yesterday, Tiny Dancer turns 8 in September. In the past we had separate parties for them, but this year I talked the kids into doing a joint, family-only party for various reasons. Financially it works out better for us, and most of my side of the family travels 2 hours from Maine. It's easier for them to come down once in the span of 5 weeks instead of twice, though they would and they have in the past. My mom and uncle are both recovering from cancer treatments so they're tired. It's been a pretty rough year for my family, as MIL knows.

 

DH cleared the date with his parents several weeks ago. Nothing was said when he told them when it would be, other than MIL asking why they were having a joint party. DH told them that's what the kids wanted. Nothing more was said.

 

DH's mom has been bugging us to let her know what the kids want for their b-days for weeks now. I made DH do it because I knew she would complain about what they wanted as she has done that the last few times she's asked me to give her a list, and I didn't want to hear it. Sure enough, she complained! DS wants a specific Lego set and she feels he has too many Legos. Legos are the only toys he consistently plays with, but she doesn't "get it." DD asked for an American Girl gift certificate because we're going to take her to AG on her actual b-day and get her the new historical doll, and she'd like outfits to go with her. The new doll won't be out in time for the family b-day party. MIL complained and asked why she couldn't just buy her something at AG instead of giving her a gift certificate. DH didn't know why DD wanted the gift certificate so he couldn't explain it to her. For Hanukkah last year I sent her a detailed list giving her many options of AG things DD wanted, even telling her specifically which outfits she wanted most. She didn't get her one thing on the list. She spent the same if not more money on the AG outfits she bought her so it's not a matter of money. She just wants control. The outfits she chose were not ones DD wanted and not practical -- an English riding outfit which is really difficult to put on (DD wanted the cowgirl outfit most of all, which I would have bought her if I knew MIL wasn't going to) and a ski jacket and ski boots (DD has doll jackets and almost never uses them). She smiled, thanked her, put on a happy face, but I knew she was disappointed. Anyway, DH was frustrated when he got off the phone for the same reason I wouldn't talk to her -- if she doesn't want to get them what they want, don't ask us what they want. It will save us all time and aggravation.

 

DH no sooner finished telling me this than his mother called back and said, "I don't expect you to do anything about it this year since the plans have already been made, but it bothers us that Tiny Dancer's party is before her birthday. It goes against our cultural traditions. In the future we'd like you to take our wishes into consideration." :001_huh: It's Russian superstition! We're supposed to inconvenience everyone in the future and spend twice as much money on parties in the span of 6 weeks (one party is obviously half the price of two!) to satisfy her ridiculous superstition? As my mom and aunt both pointed out when I told them about this, almost every year at least one child's b-day party ends up being before their b-day. We nearly always celebrate the weekend closest to their actual b-days, so sometimes it's a few days before, sometimes it's a few days after. She has never brought up this tradition before, so it can't be something that truly bothers her THAT badly!

 

DH thinks it's ridiculous. He was so thrown off since this was totally out of the blue (as I said, he cleared the date with them weeks before this conversation took place) that he had no clue what to even say. He's not going to bring it up.

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:As I type this, he's on the phone with his mom. He called to check in on his grandmother, but his parents were already back and he got stuck talking to her. I heard him say something about "Lego" and "American Girl" and then he started strangling the air :lol::lol::lol:

Edited August 11, 2012 by jujsky

[godsaggie]

Ugh! What a pain in the neck!

 

My niece (13) and nephew (15) have birthdays that are 3 weeks apart. They usually get to have a sleepover with their friends on their birthday weekend. Then they have ONE family birthday together. It works out great for those of us who have travel from out of town.

 

But of course, my MIL has to have a snit fit if the birthday doesn't suit her needs. She has been very controlling of birthdays since...forever I guess. My poor SIL has to deal with that sort of junk all the time from her. It has gotten to the point that SIL & BIL don't even plan a party anymore for any of them.

 

Sympathy from me...

[TravelingChris]

Nothing about the joint birthdays but I do have something to say about the presents. Just don't count on her to give anything the kids actually want. When my mil was alive, she would hit and miss with presents. IF they weren't what the kids wanted or what we allowed, we donated them. We couldn't reliably expect her to buy for them. She would spend maybe even more than we requested but on stuff we didn;t want or need. Instead of getting upset, we would just find the things she sent that were okay or wanted and give those.

[Catwoman]

Let her buy whatever she wants, but tell your the kids not to take the tags off of anything they don't like, so you can at least return them for store credit and the kids can get something they like better.

 

Never, ever, ever tell her the thing that your kids want most as a gift. Buy the important stuff yourself, so the kids won't be disappointed. Tell MIL about things they sorta might kinda like to have, so if she buys something else, it's not a big deal.

 

Your MIL sounds like a control freak, and I am glad your DH is stepping up to try to deal with her, so you're not stuck with the job.

 

Personally, I don't think there's ever a way to please someone like that, so it's not worth taking their wishes into consideration.

 

My feeling is this:

 

Your kids.

Your party.

Your rules.

 

And if MIL isn't happy, tough cupcakes.

[LoriK]

I will give you a silver lining...not much of one, but hey it is something. :)

You are lucky that your DH is frustrated with her too. It would be ten times worse if you were constantly frustrated by her actions and he didn't get why! So as awful as this is for both of you, remember it could be worse!

 

My boys are less than a year apart and their birthdays are 5 days apart. Right now they are 3 and 4 and have the same circle of friends, so we have one party that they share. I make them a special breakfast on their birthdays and they each also get to pick what we have for dinner on their day. When they get older I plan to alternate the party on a yearly basis. One year the older one gets a party and the younger one gets to have a friend spend the night and do something fun like a movie or bowling. Then the next year they trade around. That way I am not paying for 2 parties in the same month and they don't have to share their day.

[Starr]

My mil rarely gave our kids anything on their list. It's a futile discussion. I wonder why they even ask. :grouphug: If I'm not caught off guard I tell her she picks out lovely things and whatever she gives them I know they'll like. :tongue_smilie:

[Mommyof4ks]

I use those things to remind me how not to act when I am grandma. :( It happens here too.

[jujsky]

I THINK after his conversation with her today that she's getting DD the gift certificate (DH explained to her why she wanted it) and getting DS a Lego set (we gave her 3 sets to choose from). She really is a control freak, and I do take comfort in the fact that she drives DH nuts too!

[NatashainDFW]

I know its frustrating but be thankful your MIL gets both your children something for their birthdays. DD has only gotten one birthday gift in three years and that was on her first birthday. DS didn't get a first birthday gift but they always grab one of the Christmas wrapped presents under the tree and say her this is your birthday present. His birthday is five days after Christmas and the inlaws just don't get that we want his birthday and Christmas to be separate events. Its not his fault when he was born and he should get to celebrate both like other children. MIL did not acknowledge DS first birthday or DDs second or third birthday. I will be surprised if she acknowledges DDs birthday next month even though we live with her.

[jujsky]

I know its frustrating but be thankful your MIL gets both your children something for their birthdays. DD has only gotten one birthday gift in three years and that was on her first birthday. DS didn't get a first birthday gift but they always grab one of the Christmas wrapped presents under the tree and say her this is your birthday present. His birthday is five days after Christmas and the inlaws just don't get that we want his birthday and Christmas to be separate events. Its not his fault when he was born and he should get to celebrate both like other children. MIL did not acknowledge DS first birthday or DDs second or third birthday. I will be surprised if she acknowledges DDs birthday next month even though we live with her.

 

That's sad :( Mine is generous when she gives gifts -- I'll grant her that, but she's been super-controlling about what she gives recently. It's strange. It's not like we give her a list and say, "You must get this." She ASKS for a list and then complains about what's on it. I don't know what she expects to see on the list :confused:

[mumto2]

This is simply curiosity but is it a Russian superstition? My mil said any thing she could think of to get her own way. This sounds like one of her lines. Traditions and superstitions suited her purposes.

[jujsky]

This is simply curiosity but is it a Russian superstition? My mil said any thing she could think of to get her own way. This sounds like one of her lines. Traditions and superstitions suited her purposes.

 

She is and she pulls the same stuff! She plays the culture card when it suits her purposes, but become enraged if I try to suggest that she is doing something or thinking of something in a certain way due to cultural differences. In cases like that, she'll tell me there's no such thing as cultural differences and I shouldn't use them as an excuse....even though I'm using them as an excuse on her behalf to explain some whackadoodle thing she did or some extremely socially rude thing she has said. :001_rolleyes: She never, ever fails to use it to her benefit though.

[nmoira]

My mil rarely gave our kids anything on their list. It's a futile discussion. I wonder why they even ask. :grouphug: If I'm not caught off guard I tell her she picks out lovely things and whatever she gives them I know they'll like. :tongue_smilie:

Mine will ask the girls what they would like and get it, but then somehow taint it. Every time. Last month she gave DD the Younger a remote controlled tarantula, something she has asked for for about three years running (I wasn't impressed with the reviews, so always got something else from her wishlist). Great. Except that as DD is opening the present and spies the picture on the box, MIL leans in and says, "When I lived in California, the neighborhood boys would catch tarantulas and pull off their legs to hear them scream." Leans in further, ominous voice, "Did you know they scream?" Way to go, making a kid teary-eyed on her birthday. Needless to say, DD doesn't play with her tarantula.

 

DH has banished her from the house for something far more egregious, so we have at least a temporary reprieve.

[nmoira]

She is and she pulls the same stuff! She plays the culture card when it suits her purposes, but become enraged if I try to suggest that she is doing something or thinking of something in a certain way due to cultural differences. In cases like that, she'll tell me there's no such thing as cultural differences and I shouldn't use them as an excuse....even though I'm using them as an excuse on her behalf to explain some whackadoodle thing she did or some extremely socially rude thing she has said. :001_rolleyes: She never, ever fails to use it to her benefit though.

:grouphug: