Teen social interactions question

[marbel]

New frontiers in parenting!

 

My daughter (13) has been texting back and forth with a friend from church, about getting together at another friend's house today. The hosting friend hasn't personally invited my daughter to this get-together, but from the texts it is understood that she is invited.

 

There hasn't been any parental involvement in this little gathering that I've seen.

 

I know both girls, and have met the father of the host girl, and both parents of the texting girl at church. We are friendly, but not friends, kwim? The mother of the host girl doesn't come to our church; I've never met her.

 

I'm asking my daughter questions like: Is a parent going to be home? There's swimming involved - is a parent going to be around in case anyone gets in trouble? She can't answer, but she understands she needs to find out before she is permitted to go.

 

My daughter is going to camp with these girls next week; between now and then we'll be out of town so this is her only chance to get together with them prior to camp. She has struggled with loneliness a lot so I do try to get her with other girls as much as possible.

 

Anyway, long story, sorry, but I guess my question is, is this typical, now that everyone has their own cellphone, no one goes through the parents anymore?

 

How can I approach this gracefully? My daughter will be mortified if I insist on talking to the hosting parent, but isn't that what I have to do? (She will go along with me doing it if I must; she can understand it even if she doesn't like it.)

[MindyD]

Considering swimming is involved and your dd is 13, a quick call to the parents is perfectly normal and expected. :001_smile:

[Tohru]

Considering swimming is involved and your dd is 13, a quick call to the parents is perfectly normal and expected. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:

 

ETA: I would talk to the host parent just to make sure they know about the plans. With texting, you never really know who you're talking to unless you verify later...from personal experience. I thought I was texting some one's mother but it turned out her son had the phone and was pretending to be her so he could stay over longer. :glare:

Edited July 27, 2012 by jadedone80

[Artichoke]

Considering swimming is involved and your dd is 13, a quick call to the parents is perfectly normal and expected. :001_smile:

 

 

Yep, perfectly normal and expected.

[regentrude]

Unless it is a situation where the kids have been friends forever and are constantly going back and forth between each other's houses, I would consider it normal and appropriate to double-check with the hosting child's parents that they are OK with my child being there and also OK with the kids all swimming.

To turn it around: as the hosting child's parent, I would definitely want to know if my kid has invited guests, if the guests' parents know they are at my house, if they know and permit that swimming is involved.

I personally would not insist on a parent being present, but that's me. My son's friend's guardian does not want the 13 y/o boys to be at our house unsupervised.

[marbel]

:iagree:

 

ETA: I would talk to the host parent just to make sure they know about the plans. With texting, you never really know who you're talking to unless you verify later...from personal experience. I thought I was texting some one's mother but it turned out her son had the phone and was pretending to be her so he could stay over longer. :glare:

 

I never, ever would have thought of someone texting pretending to be someone else. Gah. I didn't realize how naive I am. :confused:

[myfunnybunch]

I remember, at 13ish, way before cell phones, making arrangments ourselves was pretty normal. :) Usually the parents touched base at some point. This is also how we handled get-togethers with our teen girls when they were younger.

 

It would certainly be appropriate and probably expected for you to call the parents and do a check-in, especially since you do not know them well. :)

 

Cat

[JustGin]

New frontiers in parenting!

 

My daughter (13) has been texting back and forth with a friend from church, about getting together at another friend's house today. The hosting friend hasn't personally invited my daughter to this get-together, but from the texts it is understood that she is invited.

 

There hasn't been any parental involvement in this little gathering that I've seen.

 

I know both girls, and have met the father of the host girl, and both parents of the texting girl at church. We are friendly, but not friends, kwim? The mother of the host girl doesn't come to our church; I've never met her.

 

I'm asking my daughter questions like: Is a parent going to be home? There's swimming involved - is a parent going to be around in case anyone gets in trouble? She can't answer, but she understands she needs to find out before she is permitted to go.

 

My daughter is going to camp with these girls next week; between now and then we'll be out of town so this is her only chance to get together with them prior to camp. She has struggled with loneliness a lot so I do try to get her with other girls as much as possible.

 

Anyway, long story, sorry, but I guess my question is, is this typical, now that everyone has their own cellphone, no one goes through the parents anymore?

 

How can I approach this gracefully? My daughter will be mortified if I insist on talking to the hosting parent, but isn't that what I have to do? (She will go along with me doing it if I must; she can understand it even if she doesn't like it.)

 

Yes it's typical, at least to set it up before launching the "get parental-unit permission" campaign. LOL. Perfectly normal teen behavior. In our family, we have two basic rules regarding this, the first is, Kidlet must not ask for permission in front of the friend or put PU's on the spot in any way. The second is, yes all PU's to be in the loop and be comfortable with ALL the variables including communication of some sort PU to PU, everyone knowing who is going to be in charge/supervising, what if any risk involving activities are planned, etc. It's just the way it is. So yes I would insist on talking to the hosting parent. Mortification is temporary, grief is not.

[Ferdie]

Mine make their own arrangements for families we know really well.

 

For new friends, but someone I know of (like church or school friend) I touch base with the parent first or double check information as I drop off.

[6packofun]

If your daughter is mortified that parents would speak to each other, that's a whole other teen issue.

 

Of course you talk to the parent who is going to be having your child over. :confused:

[MamaT]

Mine make their own arrangements for families we know really well.

 

For new friends, but someone I know of (like church or school friend) I touch base with the parent first or double check information as I drop off.

 

This is my answer, too.

[Rebel Yell]

Definitely check in the the parents. Call in a friendly way- chat about camp for a minute or two, thank her for hosting, you're just checking on drop-off/pick-up times, can you send a snack, who will be home with the girls? No big deal- same as if you were checking in with a family you know really well.

 

Sounds like fun!

[AngieW in Texas]

My 14yo mostly makes arrangements on her own with her friends through texting. I sometimes need to verify, but not always. It depends on what the arrangements are.

 

She has been regularly getting together with one friend over the summer on Thursdays. I pick the friend up and they hang out at our house and then I take the friend back home, so I haven't really needed any verifying for that. They've mostly played video games together since it's boiling outside.

 

For birthday parties, I like to see the evite to make sure I know the details of when&where to pick up and drop off and if anything special is needed (like a swimsuit).

 

When my dd is going somewhere with somebody else I know well, I verify only if I need to make sure of times or if money is needed.

 

She hasn't gone anywhere with somebody that I don't really know, so that hasn't been much of an issue.

 

The recent one I needed verification for was a going-away party for a close friend of my 14yo who was moving away. The party was being hosted by a person I don't know (but my dd had met her at a birthday party), so I needed to verify the address and the arrangements.

[TranquilMind]

Unless it is a situation where the kids have been friends forever and are constantly going back and forth between each other's houses, I would consider it normal and appropriate to double-check with the hosting child's parents that they are OK with my child being there and also OK with the kids all swimming.

To turn it around: as the hosting child's parent, I would definitely want to know if my kid has invited guests, if the guests' parents know they are at my house, if they know and permit that swimming is involved.

I personally would not insist on a parent being present, but that's me. My son's friend's guardian does not want the 13 y/o boys to be at our house unsupervised.

I would never leave any 13 year olds unsupervised. I can't imagine doing that.

 

You will be surprised how lax parents are today, when your teen gets among those who go to school. My daughter was invited to an overnight at a hotel and the parent refused to get back to me. She did not go. Later, after seeing the Facebook photos, I know that was the right decision.

Edited July 27, 2012 by TranquilMind

[brandigirl]

I am not a parent but I am a teen and having been over friends houses before I think it is important that you check with the parents. Espicially if you have never met the other parent.

 

BTW my opinion might be bias because my parents were like CIA when it came to my friends. They did not care who I hung out with but it was on their terms.

[TranquilMind]

I never, ever would have thought of someone texting pretending to be someone else. Gah. I didn't realize how naive I am. :confused:

 

Well, tell your kids too. My son was texting with a girl he met online. He sent her an actual photo of himself on the spot from his cell phone camera (seriously? After all the talks we had on this??). She responded with a snapshot OF A PHOTOGRAPH, not of her. I had to explain to him that this photograph could have been anyone. He could have been texting with a 40 year old man, for all he knew. The language was oddly adult-full sentences and all that, but then my son texts that way, though my daughter uses this teen shorthand stuff.

 

I shut this down quickly. After some sleuthing, I did discover that this probably was a 13 year old girl. She was no longer allowed to Skype strange boys but she is still texting some others (not my son- he deleted her phone number in my presence).

[TranquilMind]

BTW my opinion might be bias because my parents were like CIA when it came to my friends. They did not care who I hung out with but it was on their terms.

 

This is me. My kids think I am ridiculous.

 

No. At my daughter's age, I snuck out of my house to meet a 30 year old man and went to his apartment. I was an idiot, even though I have rather high intelligence. Intelligence does not equal judgment.

 

I watch my kids like a hawk. So far, so good with one. The other one requires a LOT of prayer.:tongue_smilie:

[brandigirl]

Ridiculous until you end up meeting weird parents and then your like thank god for mom! My friends have had some experiences that would scare the living day lights out of someone :glare:

[TranquilMind]

I am not a parent but I am a teen and having been over friends houses before I think it is important that you check with the parents. Espicially if you have never met the other parent.

 

BTW my opinion might be bias because my parents were like CIA when it came to my friends. They did not care who I hung out with but it was on their terms.

 

I like you, Brandi. Can you befriend my daughter?:tongue_smilie::D

[marbel]

Yeah, it does sound insane that I would consider letting her go without checking with the parents first, doesn't it?

 

No, I wouldn't do that. If I felt really uncomfortable calling, I would just ask when I dropped her off - though I don't really want to drive 20 minutes to their house and then find out the information was all wrong.

 

It's just weird to me, to be out of the loop initially. When the house phone rings, I answer it, so I have always known just what is going on.

 

My kids understand and follow the rules, we have no problems there. And yes, my daughter understands that she'll get over any embarrassment. I think that's just typical young teen growing pains, wanting more independence than she knows she can have. After all, she can't get herself to their house. :D And she knows that if the girls give her a hard time over it, maybe they aren't the right people to want to hang out with. ;)

 

Thanks for helping me get updated on life with teens!

 

ETA: when I host kids, I always check with the parents!

Edited July 27, 2012 by marbel

[TranquilMind]

Thanks for helping me get updated on life with teens!

 

It is very difficult today. A lot more dangerous than when we were teens.

[marbel]

So here's the update. Texter girl said host girl's dad and older sisters would be home. I called the dad to confirm details. He laughed and said something about wondering if the parental units were being informed properly. So we're all set, all on the same wavelength with regard to supervision, and no one is mortified. Ahhh...

[regentrude]

I would never leave any 13 year olds unsupervised. I can't imagine doing that.

.

 

See, in my home country, 13 year olds spend up to an hour traveling through the city by public transportation to get to and from school, and to their after school activities. (Even first grades walk to school themselves, and 3rd graders would bike to their soccer practice). So it would be kind of pointless to insist on supervision at home when they have hours each day traveling independently with their friends. Having grown up like this certainly influences what I feel comfortable with. It has taken me a lot of learning to adapt to US parenting styles.

[ktgrok]

I think checking when it is somewhere she doesn't normally go it a good idea, and normal. But I don't check EVERY time my son goes to someone's house. He has a group of a few friends and they alternate houses on the weekend. I have no issue if they handle the arrangements themselves, but I've met all the parents and known them, etc.

 

My parents were the same way. Once they knew the family they didn't have to speak to the parent each time.

[Danestress]

I don't understand that with 13 year olds, and I have gotten 3 past that age, though they were all boys so maybe it's a girl thing. I don't think I am a hovering parent at all, but I also would not think twice about calling another parent and saying, "Hey, I just want to make sure that it's okay if dd comes, and I always call to make sure a parent will be home."

[marbel]

I don't understand that with 13 year olds, and I have gotten 3 past that age, though they were all boys so maybe it's a girl thing. I don't think I am a hovering parent at all, but I also would not think twice about calling another parent and saying, "Hey, I just want to make sure that it's okay if dd comes, and I always call to make sure a parent will be home."

 

Mortifying maybe was too strong a word.

 

She is newish to this group of girls, is keenly aware that she doesn't really fit in too well, and as a lonely girl (closest friend just moved away, leaving her with just one friend to do things with, other than these girls from church) just wants to be like everyone else right now. So, she sees that for other girls, parents are not part of the planning equation - so if I insert myself, she becomes different.

 

She didn't disagree when I told her I had to call. It all worked out fine.

 

She and I are finding our way together. It's very different with my son, who has Scouts and thus lots of boys to hang out with, none of whom care how different they are from others. ;)