Adoptive Moms, I have a question...

[Slipper]

My sister is an adoptive mom. I've posted about her before. She has anxiety issues and she is surrounded by drama (I don't think she pursues drama, she just can't think rationally at times and drama happens). My sister is coming to visit us (My mother and I live next door to each other and she has a guest house that sis will stay in) tomorrow for a few days. My mother asked me if I could try to talk to sis while she's here. (Sis and I had a blow up earlier this year and I have distanced myself but I still love her, I'm just busy with other things).

 

Mother said that while she was visiting Sis a few weeks back, that Sis broke down and cried. She said that she's a horrible mother and that she's raised a horribly behaved child (dniece 3) and she wishes she hadn't adopted her. (DN3 was adopted at birth). They also recently adopted a newborn about 9 months ago. DN 9 mos is perfect and sleeps through the night, etc. She told Mother that she wished she only had DN 9 mos although she's worried she'll grow up to be rotten as well.

 

I really don't know what to say to my sister. Not only do we have awkwardness at the moment, but she frequently gets annoyed at me because she says that I think that I'm perfect. (I don't think I'm perfect, but that doesn't matter since she thinks that I do). I know that suggestions have mentioned RAD before and I've passed that along. She says that is not the problem.

 

I've suggested she see her doctor since having a 3 yr old and 9 month old would probably drive many people crazy and she may need to adjust her medication. She said she would, but it took a really ugly scene to get her to agree and we're not sure that she actually went.

 

If I tell her that my niece was a sweetheart (I typically look after her while they are here), she gets annoyed. I don't want to say that she was naughty (because that would annoy her as well). I would characterize my niece as a typical 3 yr old. If she's left unattended, she will mark in books and eat candy that is left out. But she minds and loves doing things. She's sweetly high energy. :)

 

Any suggestions on things to do or say to make this situation better? I've offered to keep dniece for an extended amount of time to give sis a break but that suggestion annoyed her as well. Lately, I've completely stayed out of everyone's business but now they all complain that I could have saved them time and money but I didn't speak up. :001_huh:

 

I feel like maybe sis hasn't really bonded with her child (although I'm not going to dare to say that), but I'm not sure how to help? Should I continue to stay out of it, or find some way to say mild comments to make her feel better? (Mild being, "Whew, she's a busy 3 yr old, but I hear that gifted kids are like that when they are young, so she'll probably be very smart when she's older.")

 

Edited - updated on post 29 along with a question.

Edited July 7, 2012 by Slipper
to add

[coffeegal]

Could you compliment both mother and daughter? For instance, "Sis, you are doing a marvelous job teaching dn manners. Dn did XYZ and I was really impressed that a 3yo would do that. Way to go, Sis!" :001_smile:

 

:grouphug: It sounds like a difficult situation.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If she gets annoyed at whatever you say, I would keep the conversation light and supportive and mostly listening. Let her talk. Sometimes we figure things out as we do so. And don't comment on the kids. Love them, play with them, etc. but right now any comments seem to be taken as a criticism of your sister so I just wouldn't comment.

[nono]

Oh my those poor children!

 

You have to figure out what is going on for the sake of all!! Don't let past problems get in your way now. From what you wrote above, it sounds more like your sister is the one with the problems, but that is just me reacting to the "needs her meds adjusted" comment. I'd probe about attachment-like issues to see if any resonate with her without bringing up attachment itself. Then if you get some concrete info, you can decide what to do next.

:grouphug:

[Dobela]

She sounds exhausted, among other things. Is she willing to put dd into a half time preK program for breaks? Or sign her up for gymnastics and swimming to burn up some of that typocal 3 yr old energy? Or maybe you can offer part time preK for a fee (to bring in extra money ;)) I also agree that she needs some positive, genuine praise for what she is doing well. And it may take some time for it to stick.

 

Age 3 for my son was the worst! He is high energy and I was worn out without having an infant on the side. Maybe she needs to hear that this is a stage and it will also pass.

[jujsky]

It doesn't sound like this is an adoption issue with the child, but with the parent. This child isn't what your sister envisioned, and it sounds like she blames the adoption, when in fact she could have given birth to a child who is just as high-energy as your niece. Is your sister in counseling? It sounds like she needs it to help her work out her issues and depression surrounding adoption. Saying that you wished you never adopted your child is NOT a typical reaction to a developmentally-typical 3 year-old. My son (adopted) has a host of mild issues (FAE, ADHD, DCD, Learning Disability-NOS) so he's not an easy kid -- especially when compared to his younger sis, our biological surprise who is one of those near-perfect kids (not a brag -- I seriously have people tell me all the time they wish their children were as well-behaved). I have never once wished DS wasn't in my life and that we hadn't adopted him. Not once. That is a "normal" thought among parents who have children with severe disabilities or RAD, but not with a child who is a bit on the hyper-side. I don't think you are the best person to talk to your sister. Could your mother approach her or could one of you approach her husband? She sounds very depressed, overwhelmed, and unfulfilled. She definitely needs some help.

 

Edited to add: 3 was the worst age with DS. He was energetic, but I had no major problems with him until he was 3 when he became very difficult and defiant. Do you know the history of the child's birth parents? Even though the child looks like a "typical, hyper, 3 year-old" that doesn't mean she doesn't have some mild sensory issues or something, especially if there was a history of drug or alcohol use in the birth parents. Early intervention was the key for DS. It really helped our family, and I had validation that DS's behavior wasn't a reflection of my parenting -- he just needed a LOT of extra help and reinforcement. He still does at 8.

Edited July 3, 2012 by jujsky

[DaffodilDreams]

Before I even read the part about you wondering if your sister had bonded with her dd3, that thought was in my mind as I was reading your post. It sounds like your sister has some self-work she needed to have done BEFORE she adopted. I'd recommend counseling for her and possibly for dd3 because more than likely she picks up on her mother's feelings - - and, yes, if she's already on meds, perhaps they need to be adjusted. It sounds like you're in a rough situation, though. If you suggest counseling, her anger, depression, and self-pity might increase. If you research Adoption Today or Adoptive Families magazines, you should find articles about moms who have not attached following adoption. Maybe those articles can provide some info that will help you and your mother reach your sister. Is your sister married? If so, how does her spouse figure into all of this? Do the children receive healthy support from the other parent? Is the spouse aware of any issues with your sister and possibly willing to be the one to confront her about getting help?

 

I would most definitely love on those kids any chance you get during this visit. I know from experience how much love from a stable relative can help when there are problems in the home. The memories of that love and of feeling valued last even in the midst of pain. Even if all you can do for your niece is to be the best aunt you can be, that's a lot.

Edited July 3, 2012 by kimmie38017

[Slipper]

Thanks for the replies. To answer some questions - they live about four hours away. My mother visits frequently (she has a camper by the water near some friends) and sees her when she goes down.

 

My sister takes medication for anxiety (she has a diagnosis for depression/anxiety) and also takes something (two pills not sure what) for heart related conditions. When she becomes over-stressed, she is usually hospitalized. Her last episode was a few months ago when she fainted. DN3 immediately went to wake up my BIL (who was asleep) although she had to climb over a baby gate and bang on a locked door to do so. My sister works full time as a nurse (she's in charge of other nurses in the ICU) and my BIL is a truck driver. BIL is nice and sweet and loves the kids and plays with them, but he doesn't "get it". I'm not sure he can do much more than what he already does.

 

My niece goes to a Montessori program for 6 hours a day. Frequently, my sister will call and ask them to keep her an additional 4 - 6 hours a day. The Montessori school did criticize my sister for how frequently my niece stayed which has caused more tension.

 

Jujsky, your comments really resonated with me. My sister has always had a very poor self-image. She "came into her own" several years ago and always felt like children would make her life complete. She's been very upset because she felt I had "perfect" children (although my kids have extensive medical issues and honestly, aren't perfect - although I think they are lol). She was upset because DN3 was overweight, she said she didn't want a fat kid. She's asked more than once if she could have my middle daughter to stay with her because she's smart, petite and overall good-natured. My niece doesn't have any type of learning disability or other medical issue that I know of. My sister simply isn't happy. When DN 9 months was a bit younger, she had a hematoma that turned her nose purple. My sister was horrified and said she would not have a child with a purple nose. I feel like my sister expected differently than what she received, which is why DH and I offered to keep DN 3 for an extended amount of time if needed (she refused).

 

I don't think my BIL can help. He says he needs 8 hours of sleep (I think he actually said it must be 8 hours of REM sleep) to function. He says he can't watch the kids while he's sleeping and then he needs some down time before going to work. He does do a lot, but he seems baffled as to why anyone would expect him to do more than he already is doing. (Genuinely baffled, not @sshole baffled. He doesn't give the impression of someone who thinks quickly and efficiently, he moves a bit slower. He's steady, reliable and loves his family, but I think he's at his limit).

 

Thanks for the suggestions so far. I want to help, but sometimes my offer to help pushes away, so I'm trying to move gently.

[Twinmom]

I will admit to the painful here...there have been times when I have wished that I had not adopted some of my children (refusing to get more specific here lest an unintended someone read this!). No one likes to hear that, it is an ugly truth, but there it is. And this, from a former director of an adoption agency who is well versed in attachment, adoption issues, infertility issues and the like! No one wants to admit to not wanting a child they worked hard for and waited years for...but it is a normal part of the adoption experience for many people (believe me, once I started talking about it with clients, I heard it from a lot of people!). It doesn't mean that you don't love or really, deep down inside, want your child...it is simply a reflection of the reality of the hard work in front of you. Adoption is not a piece of cake, it is difficult. It is also the best thing I have ever been through in my life and though I wouldn't change a bit of it, I also would never deny the hard places we've been...it makes it all the more sweet now.

 

Adoption is HARD work, even more hard when you consider special needs kids (which I have) and the fact that when you adopt, you get a non-biological child who may have a very different emotional, physical or intellectual makeup than you do. There were times, esp. when the kids were little, when I would wonder if their behaviors were the result of my parenting or adoption issues when they were simply being normal. I didn't know the difference since I'd never raised a child before and wouldn't have recognized normal if it hit me over the head. Add into that the fact that I adopted 4 kids in 3 1/2 years and was completely exhausted, sleep deprived and wondering where my life went and you get a temporarily messed up mom. Not that I would have really changed anything...I just had feelings that needed to be expressed so I could move on. Grief over the way things should have been in my dream world had to be replaced with acceptance of and finding joy in the reality of my new life.

 

I would advise you to offer your sister the chance to vent her true feelings without fear of judgement or reprisal. These types of things lose their power when shared in the light of day. What she is going through sounds normal to me for a new adoptive mom who is probably sleep deprived...share her burdens and they will be lightened. If it goes beyond that, encourage her to see her doctor and an adoption aftercare counselor. It is entirely possible that her hormonal system is out of whack, esp. if she went through infertility treatments prior to adoption. This can wreak havoc on the strongest woman! A good post-adoption counselor can also help normalize what she is going through so she can stop internally self-flagellating herself for feeling that way and move on to a healthier, more realistic place with her children.

 

:grouphug:

Edited July 3, 2012 by Twinmom

[Twinmom]

Well, just after I posted I read your update...more information there, for sure! If your sister has so much anxiety/depression that she becomes hospitalized, if she is that focused on her children as an extension of herself, she needs professional help. All that I said in the previous post still applies, but I would suggest that your first stop be a therapist for your sister. She needs more than just a sister can provide.

[SKL]

Let me first say that this is extremely complicated. And with all due respect, it's impossible for you to understand from your standpoint right now. How long is your sister going to be visiting? Is there an opportunity for you to try to get more into the depth of the issue in her home?

 

Is she single? I don't recall you mentioning a husband. Maybe she is a victim of sheer exhaustion. Is there any way you can help to lighten her load?

 

Without knowing more, I tend to agree that this sounds like your sister's problem rather than DN's. However, that may not be entirely fair. Although DN was adopted as an infant, she may have brought some baggage in the form of prenatal neglect or drug/alcohol exposure or just problematic genes, which may make her a mega-handful and unable to bond normally. Since she is in the family now, I think it's best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until you know a lot more.

 

I don't really have a lot of advice other than to be open-minded and keep your eyes open. Maybe read up on some of the problems infant adoptees can have.

 

Another thing: just because your sister feels she shouldn't have adopted DN does NOT mean she doesn't love her or wouldn't die for her. She feels like she isn't up to the task of mothering her. (Or, she did feel that way at one point, which may or not be continuing.)

[AKamp]

I will admit to the painful here...there have been times when I have wished that I had not adopted some of my children (refusing to get more specific here lest an unintended someone read this!). No one likes to hear that, it is an ugly truth, but there it is. And this, from a former director of an adoption agency who is well versed in attachment, adoption issues, infertility issues and the like! No one wants to admit to not wanting a child they worked hard for and waited years for...but it is a normal part of the adoption experience for many people (believe me, once I started talking about it with clients, I heard it from a lot of people!). It doesn't mean that you don't love or really, deep down inside, want your child...it is simply a reflection of the reality of the hard work in front of you. Adoption is not a piece of cake, it is difficult. It is also the best thing I have ever been through in my life and though I wouldn't change a bit of it, I also would never deny the hard places we've been...it makes it all the more sweet now.

 

Adoption is HARD work, even more hard when you consider special needs kids (which I have) and the fact that when you adopt, you get a non-biological child who may have a very different emotional, physical or intellectual makeup than you do. There were times, esp. when the kids were little, when I would wonder if their behaviors were the result of my parenting or adoption issues when they were simply being normal. I didn't know the difference since I'd never raised a child before and wouldn't have recognized normal if it hit me over the head. Add into that the fact that I adopted 4 kids in 3 1/2 years and was completely exhausted, sleep deprived and wondering where my life went and you get a temporarily messed up mom. Not that I would have really changed anything...I just feelings that needed to be expressed so I could move on. Grief over the way things should have been in my dream world had to be replaced with acceptance of and finding joy in the reality of my new life.

 

I would advise you to offer your sister the chance to vent her true feelings without fear of judgement or reprisal. These types of things lose their power when shared in the light of day. What she is going through sounds normal to me for a new adoptive mom who is probably sleep deprived...share her burdens and they will be lightened. If it goes beyond that, encourage her to see her doctor and an adoption aftercare counselor. It is entirely possible that her hormonal system is out of whack, esp. if she went through infertility treatments prior to adoption. This can wreak havoc on the strongest woman! A good post-adoption counselor can also help normalize what she is going through so she can stop internally self-flagellating herself for feeling that way and move on to a healthier, more realistic place with her children.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree: I have been there with these feelings. It's horrible, it makes you feel even worse because you know you shouldn't feel this way. I had 3 bio boys, then adopted a baby girl when she was a few months old. There are so many unknowns when adopting, like PP said. They have completely different personalities. She was also born with SN, not too severe, but it still takes it's toll on us. I can honestly say late 2, early 3 was the HARDEST age so far with DD. I struggled, a lot. I can't imagine having an infant during that same time. I had a lot of positive support from family, friends, and DH (she's a daddy's girl), they kept reminding me I was a good mother and our DD was making gains by leaps and bounds. I stuck with it and the days are better, not easy, but better. Let her vent, stay positive and support her the best you can.

[Murmer]

Also I assume your sister is having infertility issues that led to adoption. Infertility does not get cured by a baby and can be very emotionally difficult even after the baby comes. Over and over at different times it can hit the pain of infertility. I could see how she might see you as the person who makes her feel the worst because not only can you pop out babies but they are perfect (whether that's true doesn't matter it's how she probably feels). Understanding, care, love are what she needs not judgement. She needs to find a safe place to work through her infertility issues. Add in adoption issues and a new baby and she may be having adoption depression.

[nono]

Jujsky, your comments really resonated with me. My sister has always had a very poor self-image. She "came into her own" several years ago and always felt like children would make her life complete. She's been very upset because she felt I had "perfect" children (although my kids have extensive medical issues and honestly, aren't perfect - although I think they are lol). She was upset because DN3 was overweight, she said she didn't want a fat kid. She's asked more than once if she could have my middle daughter to stay with her because she's smart, petite and overall good-natured. My niece doesn't have any type of learning disability or other medical issue that I know of. My sister simply isn't happy. When DN 9 months was a bit younger, she had a hematoma that turned her nose purple. My sister was horrified and said she would not have a child with a purple nose. I feel like my sister expected differently than what she received, which is why DH and I offered to keep DN 3 for an extended amount of time if needed (she refused).

 

 

Oh my! That is a huge burden to place on children -- to make an adult content or whole! And, who is your sister to be so demanding about looks? Paulina Porizkova? I mean, what's with all the perfectionism? Is she that flawless? And even Paulina married Rick Ocasek. ('nuff said!)

 

Your sister needs help. Children aren't furniture to discard when you don't how they get banged up! Really!

[Slipper]

Yes, she had infertility issues prior to adoption. She tried for over 10 years with her first husband (he cheated on her and ended up getting someone pregnant and left my sister to marry the other person). He was also physically abusive. She tried for over four years with her current husband before deciding to adopt. (Her current husband is NOT abusive, just a bit slow moving and thinking).

 

She wants to be a good mother, but she doesn't know how. There are some things that I cannot post but those incidents prove to me that is struggling. She is highly educated and intelligent, but she seems a bit awkward around her kids.

 

I appreciate everyone's insight. I want to clarify that both my nieces are having the majority of their needs met. I keep hoping that as they get older, things will settle down a bit. She does perceive me as someone who conceives easily (and I did) and has it perfect. I don't want to compound that resentment by acting as if I have all the answers. Things look a lot different from my position of having older kids, even though I am often overwhelmed with their medical issues. Additionally, my housekeeper shared with me this morning that my kids are unusually compliant and easy based on other kids she has seen. (We attributed this more to genetics than parenting).

 

My sister will be here for three days, so I don't have a lot of time.

[Dobela]

With fertility issues are hormone issues. I struggled with depression and other problems daily until my hysterectomy. Looking back I don't know how I managed really. She may need more than anxiety/depression assistance. She may need to see an endocronologist to check hormone levels and such. I had no idea just how much I was being negatively effected overall by a screwed up reproductive system until it was gone. I wish now I had pushed harder to be seen by specialists who may have been able to help me more and possibly prevent that hysterectomy. Or may have at least helped me 'neutralize' my body. Fertility drugs also did a number on me, some with long term effects that were not so nice. My body did not handle them well. I have another friend that stopped fertility treatments but they left her body seriously out of kilter and she had to work hard to get her hormones back to a natural level.

 

With adoption also comes a lot of reminders that you are not like the majority of the world. When the children are young, you are constantly around women who are constantly talking about their pregnancies and births. When you have never been pregnant or given birth, you really feel left out at times. If the children don't look like you, then you have complete strangers constantly making comments and asking if they are adopted or if you are a foster parent or saying they must look like their daddy since they don't look like you. Or asking questions about very personal matters like it is common knowledge. So, if your sister is struggling with self esteem types issues, she will not like the constant reminders that she is different. With adoptions, while you now have children like others around you, you are still different. And if being like others is important to you, well, adopting won't help that. Then there are the people who make comments about how an adoptive parent is "rescuing a child". Those comments, while intended to be complementary, are not helpful when sometimes the motives are what can be seen as more selfish - you want a child so you can be a parent and adoption is the only way that will happen.

:grouphug:to you and your sister.

[Denisemomof4]

It doesn't sound like this is an adoption issue with the child, but with the parent. This child isn't what your sister envisioned, and it sounds like she blames the adoption, when in fact she could have given birth to a child who is just as high-energy as your niece. Is your sister in counseling? It sounds like she needs it to help her work out her issues and depression surrounding adoption. Saying that you wished you never adopted your child is NOT a typical reaction to a developmentally-typical 3 year-old. My son (adopted) has a host of mild issues (FAE, ADHD, DCD, Learning Disability-NOS) so he's not an easy kid -- especially when compared to his younger sis, our biological surprise who is one of those near-perfect kids (not a brag -- I seriously have people tell me all the time they wish their children were as well-behaved). I have never once wished DS wasn't in my life and that we hadn't adopted him. Not once. That is a "normal" thought among parents who have children with severe disabilities or RAD, but not with a child who is a bit on the hyper-side. I don't think you are the best person to talk to your sister. Could your mother approach her or could one of you approach her husband? She sounds very depressed, overwhelmed, and unfulfilled. She definitely needs some help.

 

Edited to add: 3 was the worst age with DS. He was energetic, but I had no major problems with him until he was 3 when he became very difficult and defiant. Do you know the history of the child's birth parents? Even though the child looks like a "typical, hyper, 3 year-old" that doesn't mean she doesn't have some mild sensory issues or something, especially if there was a history of drug or alcohol use in the birth parents. Early intervention was the key for DS. It really helped our family, and I had validation that DS's behavior wasn't a reflection of my parenting -- he just needed a LOT of extra help and reinforcement. He still does at 8.

 

:iagree: with everything.

 

Post Adoption depression is as common as post partum depression. I am wondering if your sister has this. Still, I agree that you probably aren't the right one to talk to your sister.

 

Does your sister know what attachment issues are? They CAN lead to bonding issues with mom AND chold. Does the child appear attached to mom? Dad? A huge red flag would be a better attachment to dad.

 

Your sisters frustrations with you may be because nobody understands what she is going through. That is nobody's fault but it can be stressful for sis. It will be even more stressful if she herself doesn't know what the issues are.

 

I really wish she would see someone who can counsel her through her feelings, someone who understands adoption issues/feelings with the mother.

[Denisemomof4]

 

I would most definitely love on those kids any chance you get during this visit. I know from experience how much love from a stable relative can help when there are problems in the home. The memories of that love and of feeling valued last even in the midst of pain. Even if all you can do for your niece is to be the best aunt you can be, that's a lot.

 

Careful - I would definitely not follow this advice, even though the best of intentions are behind it. If there are any attachment issues at all, is will make things worse for everyone involved.

 

As an outsider looking in, you, as her sister, can't possibly know what the issues are. I know how easy it is to assume but please tread cautiously.

[Denisemomof4]

Thanks for the replies. To answer some questions - they live about four hours away. My mother visits frequently (she has a camper by the water near some friends) and sees her when she goes down.

 

My sister takes medication for anxiety (she has a diagnosis for depression/anxiety) and also takes something (two pills not sure what) for heart related conditions. When she becomes over-stressed, she is usually hospitalized. Her last episode was a few months ago when she fainted. DN3 immediately went to wake up my BIL (who was asleep) although she had to climb over a baby gate and bang on a locked door to do so. My sister works full time as a nurse (she's in charge of other nurses in the ICU) and my BIL is a truck driver. BIL is nice and sweet and loves the kids and plays with them, but he doesn't "get it". I'm not sure he can do much more than what he already does.

 

My niece goes to a Montessori program for 6 hours a day. Frequently, my sister will call and ask them to keep her an additional 4 - 6 hours a day. The Montessori school did criticize my sister for how frequently my niece stayed which has caused more tension.

 

Jujsky, your comments really resonated with me. My sister has always had a very poor self-image. She "came into her own" several years ago and always felt like children would make her life complete. She's been very upset because she felt I had "perfect" children (although my kids have extensive medical issues and honestly, aren't perfect - although I think they are lol). She was upset because DN3 was overweight, she said she didn't want a fat kid. She's asked more than once if she could have my middle daughter to stay with her because she's smart, petite and overall good-natured. My niece doesn't have any type of learning disability or other medical issue that I know of. My sister simply isn't happy. When DN 9 months was a bit younger, she had a hematoma that turned her nose purple. My sister was horrified and said she would not have a child with a purple nose. I feel like my sister expected differently than what she received, which is why DH and I offered to keep DN 3 for an extended amount of time if needed (she refused).

 

I don't think my BIL can help. He says he needs 8 hours of sleep (I think he actually said it must be 8 hours of REM sleep) to function. He says he can't watch the kids while he's sleeping and then he needs some down time before going to work. He does do a lot, but he seems baffled as to why anyone would expect him to do more than he already is doing. (Genuinely baffled, not @sshole baffled. He doesn't give the impression of someone who thinks quickly and efficiently, he moves a bit slower. He's steady, reliable and loves his family, but I think he's at his limit).

 

Thanks for the suggestions so far. I want to help, but sometimes my offer to help pushes away, so I'm trying to move gently.

 

Oh my gosh. This is SO disturbing to read! Does she want oerfect little children so she can look perfect to outsiders and feel better about herself?

 

I don't even know what to say.

 

Your poor BIL. I am glad he realizes he needs good sleep so he can stay safe on the road and also not be a danger to anyone else.

 

i feel very badly for your niece. I have mixed emotions and feelings for my adopted daughter but it is because her behavioral issues are so severe. I love her and i love her chubby body but it is hard to LIKE her at times IYKWIM.

[Denisemomof4]

I will admit to the painful here...there have been times when I have wished that I had not adopted some of my children (refusing to get more specific here lest an unintended someone read this!). No one likes to hear that, it is an ugly truth, but there it is. And this, from a former director of an adoption agency who is well versed in attachment, adoption issues, infertility issues and the like! No one wants to admit to not wanting a child they worked hard for and waited years for...but it is a normal part of the adoption experience for many people (believe me, once I started talking about it with clients, I heard it from a lot of people!). It doesn't mean that you don't love or really, deep down inside, want your child...it is simply a reflection of the reality of the hard work in front of you. Adoption is not a piece of cake, it is difficult. It is also the best thing I have ever been through in my life and though I wouldn't change a bit of it, I also would never deny the hard places we've been...it makes it all the more sweet now.

 

Adoption is HARD work, even more hard when you consider special needs kids (which I have) and the fact that when you adopt, you get a non-biological child who may have a very different emotional, physical or intellectual makeup than you do. There were times, esp. when the kids were little, when I would wonder if their behaviors were the result of my parenting or adoption issues when they were simply being normal. I didn't know the difference since I'd never raised a child before and wouldn't have recognized normal if it hit me over the head. Add into that the fact that I adopted 4 kids in 3 1/2 years and was completely exhausted, sleep deprived and wondering where my life went and you get a temporarily messed up mom. Not that I would have really changed anything...I just had feelings that needed to be expressed so I could move on. Grief over the way things should have been in my dream world had to be replaced with acceptance of and finding joy in the reality of my new life.

 

I would advise you to offer your sister the chance to vent her true feelings without fear of judgement or reprisal. These types of things lose their power when shared in the light of day. What she is going through sounds normal to me for a new adoptive mom who is probably sleep deprived...share her burdens and they will be lightened. If it goes beyond that, encourage her to see her doctor and an adoption aftercare counselor. It is entirely possible that her hormonal system is out of whack, esp. if she went through infertility treatments prior to adoption. This can wreak havoc on the strongest woman! A good post-adoption counselor can also help normalize what she is going through so she can stop internally self-flagellating herself for feeling that way and move on to a healthier, more realistic place with her children.

 

:grouphug:

 

This is excellent!

[Denisemomof4]

Well, just after I posted I read your update...more information there, for sure! If your sister has so much anxiety/depression that she becomes hospitalized, if she is that focused on her children as an extension of herself, she needs professional help. All that I said in the previous post still applies, but I would suggest that your first stop be a therapist for your sister. She needs more than just a sister can provide.

 

I took it as the anxiety complicates her heart condition?:confused:

 

Many post adoptive mons experience anxiety and depression.

[Denisemomof4]

Let me first say that this is extremely complicated. And with all due respect, it's impossible for you to understand from your standpoint right now. How long is your sister going to be visiting? Is there an opportunity for you to try to get more into the depth of the issue in her home?

 

Is she single? I don't recall you mentioning a husband. Maybe she is a victim of sheer exhaustion. Is there any way you can help to lighten her load?

 

Without knowing more, I tend to agree that this sounds like your sister's problem rather than DN's. However, that may not be entirely fair. Although DN was adopted as an infant, she may have brought some baggage in the form of prenatal neglect or drug/alcohol exposure or just problematic genes, which may make her a mega-handful and unable to bond normally. Since she is in the family now, I think it's best to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until you know a lot more.

 

I don't really have a lot of advice other than to be open-minded and keep your eyes open. Maybe read up on some of the problems infant adoptees can have.

 

Another thing: just because your sister feels she shouldn't have adopted DN does NOT mean she doesn't love her or wouldn't die for her. She feels like she isn't up to the task of mothering her. (Or, she did feel that way at one point, which may or not be continuing.)

 

This is also excellent!!!

 

Oh my! That is a huge burden to place on children -- to make an adult content or whole! And, who is your sister to be so demanding about looks? Paulina Porizkova? I mean, what's with all the perfectionism? Is she that flawless? And even Paulina married Rick Ocasek. ('nuff said!)

 

Your sister needs help. Children aren't furniture to discard when you don't how they get banged up! Really!

:iagree: it is really sad.

 

BTW, I don't know who Paulina Porizkova or Rick Ocasek are.;)

[Slipper]

My sister is here and so far things are going fairly well. I've tried to listen more than I talk (always good advice, but I tend to talk more than I think lol). My 3 yr old niece is LOUD. She turns the tv loud, she talks loud, everything is loud. In fact, so loud I asked my sister if she had checked Dniece's hearing. She said that my niece gets lots of wax in her ears and needs them cleaned at the pediatrician's office frequently. I am going to suggest a hearing test because that might be part of it.

 

My sister is a tad OCD on things. She's always been very particular about how things are kept. We (rest of the family) figured having kids would help her relax a bit, but it hasn't. (The OCD is tied in with her anxiety).

 

My niece absolutely bonds with her daddy more than my sister. I thought it was very telling during their last visit she was a bit slow to warm up with me (in spite of toys, cookies, puzzles, etc) but when my husband came home (whom she's never really met), she went running to the door excitedly yelling, "Here I am! Here I am!" and when she saw him later she ran to him saying, "I came back!"

 

I want to stress again that my sister loves them, but I admit, she's a bit clueless. They are beautifully and immaculately dressed and nearly every single item they own is monogrammed. They eat well and she faithfully goes to every doctor's visit. I don't want anyone to think she's a horrible person, because she's not. There's just a disconnect there somewhere.

 

For example, last night she took 3 yo Dniece to see fireworks with my brother and his family. (My mother babysat the baby). The fireworks started at 7:30, but they didn't come home until nearly 11:00. They had stopped off to go "ghost hunting" in a graveyard and actually bumped into someone else (apparently doing the same) which scared ALL of the kids (my brother brought his 17 and 15 yr old also). My sister couldn't figure out why my niece didn't sleep well and ended up bringing her to my mom's house at 5:30 this morning so she (sister) could go back to sleep. My sister is too intelligent to do something this silly, so I don't know if she's clueless about being a parent or simply was tired of passing up fun things (ghost hunting) because she is now a parent. (I hope that made sense?).

 

I plan to open up a discussion by telling her of a fictitious "friend" I know that had depression after adopting (not because she didn't love her child, but simply due to hormonal reasons and other emotions) and see if that will give her some encouragement to go talk to someone.

 

Editing to add - The anxiety/depression and heart problems were around prior to her adoption of her two girls. And I'm not positive but I feel certain that she would have had fertility treatments of some type. I remember she told me that they had spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to become pregnant.

Edited July 5, 2012 by Slipper

[jujsky]

My sister is here and so far things are going fairly well. I've tried to listen more than I talk (always good advice, but I tend to talk more than I think lol). My 3 yr old niece is LOUD. She turns the tv loud, she talks loud, everything is loud. In fact, so loud I asked my sister if she had checked Dniece's hearing. She said that my niece gets lots of wax in her ears and needs them cleaned at the pediatrician's office frequently. I am going to suggest a hearing test because that might be part of it.

 

 

I would definitely encourage her to get your niece's hearing tested. If it's not hearing issues, then it could be sensory issues. Kids can be sensory seeking or sensory avoidant to different things. It could be that she is a sound-seeker. If this child has ANY special needs that are untreated (and some specialist advise that ALL adopted children are treated as though they are special needs until it is proved otherwise) that can add an enormous amount of pressure and stress on the parents.

 

I don't think your sister is a bad person. I think she's overwhelmed and as I said before, I think she went into adoption with a certain set of expectations that were not met. Is my math right? Did she try for a biological child for 14 years between her 2 husbands before turning to adoption? That is a LONG time! I'm sure in that time like just about every woman she pictured what her child would look like and be like. Biology is a big sticking point for many people, and turning to adoption can be a not-so-great second choice to people who have it in their heart that they want to carry their "own" baby. It could be that she never fully mourned the loss of that biological baby she envisioned and moved onto adoption before dealing with the emotional issues and loss surrounding her infertility. She can still get help for those issues, and I'm sure it would benefit her entire family. She may even still have unresolved issues from her first husband leaving her for a woman he impregnated. That is a big hurdle to overcome. I know from dealing with my own fertility issues that you can feel like less of a woman for not being able to conceive while everyone else around you is popping out babies. To lose your husband to a pregnant woman has to be the biggest betrayal and slap in the face ever. I feel sorry for her. If she is struggling and having emotional problems, it's really no wonder.

Edited July 5, 2012 by jujsky

[CalicoKat]

My sister is an adoptive mom. I've posted about her before. She has anxiety issues and she is surrounded by drama (I don't think she pursues drama, she just can't think rationally at times and drama happens). My sister is coming to visit us (My mother and I live next door to each other and she has a guest house that sis will stay in) tomorrow for a few days. My mother asked me if I could try to talk to sis while she's here. (Sis and I had a blow up earlier this year and I have distanced myself but I still love her, I'm just busy with other things).

 

Mother said that while she was visiting Sis a few weeks back, that Sis broke down and cried. She said that she's a horrible mother and that she's raised a horribly behaved child (dniece 3) and she wishes she hadn't adopted her. (DN3 was adopted at birth). They also recently adopted a newborn about 9 months ago. DN 9 mos is perfect and sleeps through the night, etc. She told Mother that she wished she only had DN 9 mos although she's worried she'll grow up to be rotten as well.

 

I really don't know what to say to my sister. Not only do we have awkwardness at the moment, but she frequently gets annoyed at me because she says that I think that I'm perfect. (I don't think I'm perfect, but that doesn't matter since she thinks that I do). I know that suggestions have mentioned RAD before and I've passed that along. She says that is not the problem.

 

I've suggested she see her doctor since having a 3 yr old and 9 month old would probably drive many people crazy and she may need to adjust her medication. She said she would, but it took a really ugly scene to get her to agree and we're not sure that she actually went.

 

If I tell her that my niece was a sweetheart (I typically look after her while they are here), she gets annoyed. I don't want to say that she was naughty (because that would annoy her as well). I would characterize my niece as a typical 3 yr old. If she's left unattended, she will mark in books and eat candy that is left out. But she minds and loves doing things. She's sweetly high energy. :)

 

Any suggestions on things to do or say to make this situation better? I've offered to keep dniece for an extended amount of time to give sis a break but that suggestion annoyed her as well. Lately, I've completely stayed out of everyone's business but now they all complain that I could have saved them time and money but I didn't speak up. :001_huh:

 

I feel like maybe sis hasn't really bonded with her child (although I'm not going to dare to say that), but I'm not sure how to help? Should I continue to stay out of it, or find some way to say mild comments to make her feel better? (Mild being, "Whew, she's a busy 3 yr old, but I hear that gifted kids are like that when they are young, so she'll probably be very smart when she's older.")

 

Keep in mind that she's been scrutinized to the Nth degree over the past 9 months with that new baby. The stress of entertaining social workers when you've got a toddler terror & baby is huge. Doctors, social workers, birth family letters & pictures, post adoption agency requirements...... she's been under tremendous pressure.

 

My kids have always been able to reflect my emotions. Usually by acting out. So it's no wonder that little girl is being a typical, a little higher powered, 3 year old. She's got a new sib, she's learning to share her mommy, and her mommy & daddy are playing host to a lot of folks who are analyzing their family.

 

Enjoy your niece, smile, play, and talk to the little girl, "Aren't you the most clever 3 year old so smart to figure out how to use that toy another way. Were you bored?" Mom hears, "She's a normal 3 year old! It's OK that she's very active, a bit naughty etc. She's normal and we love her. Teaching the little person a new thing is always a good way to connect. Bake something with her and have a tea party for Mommy.

 

Whatever you do don't gift her crayons, markers, or those awful bath paints! :D

[Slipper]

I would definitely encourage her to get your niece's hearing tested. If it's not hearing issues, then it could be sensory issues. Kids can be sensory seeking or sensory avoidant to different things. It could be that she is a sound-seeker. If this child has ANY special needs that are untreated (and some specialist advise that ALL adopted children are treated as though they are special needs until it is proved otherwise) that can add an enormous amount of pressure and stress on the parents.

 

I don't think your sister is a bad person. I think she's overwhelmed and as I said before, I think she went into adoption with a certain set of expectations that were not met. Is my math right? Did she try for a biological child for 14 years between her 2 husbands before turning to adoption? That is a LONG time! I'm sure in that time like just about every woman she pictured what her child would look like and be like. Biology is a big sticking point for many people, and turning to adoption can be a not-so-great second choice to people who have it in their heart that they want to carry their "own" baby. It could be that she never fully mourned the loss of that biological baby she envisioned and moved onto adoption before dealing with the emotional issues and loss surrounding her infertility. She can still get help for those issues, and I'm sure it would benefit her entire family. She may even still have unresolved issues from her first husband leaving her for a woman he impregnated. That is a big hurdle to overcome. I know from dealing with my own fertility issues that you can feel like less of a woman for not being able to conceive while everyone else around you is popping out babies. To lose your husband to a pregnant woman has to be the biggest betrayal and slap in the face ever. I feel sorry for her. If she is struggling and having emotional problems, it's really no wonder.

 

Yes, your math is right, she tried for 14 years to have a baby and yes, her husband left her for a woman he impregnated. When he left her, it was simply awful. That's one of our darkest memories for our family because she was devastated.

 

I don't think my niece has any type of special needs (my oldest has autism so I meet a number of families with SN's and nothing has really jumped out at me). However, my sister has apparently talked to her doctor about it. She said that her pediatrician said that DNiece isn't ADD/ADHD but is "spirited". She's definitely "busy" :D but my own kids were the same at age 3, so her behavior doesn't seem unnatural. We have no info on the birth dad so anything is possible.

 

Thanks for all the continuing comments. :)

[Twinmom]

Yes, your math is right, she tried for 14 years to have a baby and yes, her husband left her for a woman he impregnated. When he left her, it was simply awful. That's one of our darkest memories for our family because she was devastated.

 

This, coupled with the fact that she can likely totally see how bonded DD3 is to dad vs. her and you have the recipe for anxiety/depression/feelings of worthlessness on a large scale. Add in the heart problems, a new baby and adoption issues in general and, wow! I want to give her a big hug, a tissue and a nap. Maybe some chocolate, too. Skip the wine...it doesn't go well with anti-depressants! :grouphug:

 

If she were my sister, I'd focus simply on how overwhelmed she is feeling. Emphasize for her that ALL moms feel this way (including yourself, but from a slightly different point of view) but that you wonder if her situation is magnified by her history and the age of her children. I'd be encouraging her towards self-care as much as possible...you are a better mom when you take care of yourself and feel good...and couch going to a counselor in those terms. Offer to go with her to support her if she needs it. She really could use some time talking with someone who can understand and normalize what she is going through...someone either who has walked that road (think, post adoption support group here) or a therapist well versed in post adoption issues (call an agency for referrals).

 

She can get past this, enjoy her babies and her new life and be happy, but not until she deals with what is going on inside her and with her physical condition. (Ask me how I know! ;)) There is a brighter light on the other side. Help her to see this and to know that her depression isn't a personal failing but rather a response to dark days that have yet to be properly grieved (or at least it looks that way from your posts).

[nono]

BTW, I don't know who Paulina Porizkova or Rick Ocasek are.;)

 

She at one time was the "face" of Estee Lauder, if I'm recalling correctly. Regardless, she's quite a vision. He.......isn't. ;)

 

 

 

Slipper, I hope your sis gets the help she needs. Or she's risking really screwing up her kids, and she won't be happy either. Clearly something has to budge. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Slipper]

My sister left this morning. She had a horrible night. Ants came into the guest house and when she woke up, the baby had about 40 bites around her diaper area and even around her eyes. She had heard the baby cry during the night but didn't check on her. I went to check on her and she was just sitting, holding the baby and crying while my 3 yr old niece ran around naked (she had stripped worrying about ants).

 

I'm actually quite good in an emergency (that's not my own that is) and was able to get her into a shower, my niece into ant-free clothing and medication onto the ant bites and a bit of tylenol. The bites do not look bad, but I did suggest she call her pediatrician, "just in case".

 

It seemed like the right moment, so I told her about my housekeeper who adopted a child and had difficulty bonding. She started crying again and told me that's exactly what she felt like. She said that she was starting to see good things in 3 yo niece but it was slow coming. She felt like a failure. She thought her kids would be like my kids but they weren't.

 

I was floundering a bit because I've not had her experiences and I felt like a fraud trying to counsel her about them. But, I told her to call the adoption agency and ask if they did post adoption counseling. I told her that having difficulty and depression after adoption was absolutely, perfectly normal. I told her that things would get better as they became older and she should take shortcuts where she could (order pizza rather than cooking, etc).

 

She felt horrible for not checking on the baby, but I told her that if she had, in the dark, she would not have even seen the ants. I told her that it was a mistake and she needed to learn to forgive herself because every parent makes mistakes that affect our kids.

 

If there are any websites or books that might be helpful, can you post or send them to me. Our relationship seemed to be a bit better. I think she gets upset with me because maybe I have or am what she wants? (That sounds boastful but I don't mean it to be).

[SKL]

My sister left this morning. She had a horrible night. Ants came into the guest house and when she woke up, the baby had about 40 bites around her diaper area and even around her eyes. She had heard the baby cry during the night but didn't check on her. I went to check on her and she was just sitting, holding the baby and crying while my 3 yr old niece ran around naked (she had stripped worrying about ants).

 

I'm actually quite good in an emergency (that's not my own that is) and was able to get her into a shower, my niece into ant-free clothing and medication onto the ant bites and a bit of tylenol. The bites do not look bad, but I did suggest she call her pediatrician, "just in case".

 

It seemed like the right moment, so I told her about my housekeeper who adopted a child and had difficulty bonding. She started crying again and told me that's exactly what she felt like. She said that she was starting to see good things in 3 yo niece but it was slow coming. She felt like a failure. She thought her kids would be like my kids but they weren't.

 

I was floundering a bit because I've not had her experiences and I felt like a fraud trying to counsel her about them. But, I told her to call the adoption agency and ask if they did post adoption counseling. I told her that having difficulty and depression after adoption was absolutely, perfectly normal. I told her that things would get better as they became older and she should take shortcuts where she could (order pizza rather than cooking, etc).

 

She felt horrible for not checking on the baby, but I told her that if she had, in the dark, she would not have even seen the ants. I told her that it was a mistake and she needed to learn to forgive herself because every parent makes mistakes that affect our kids.

 

If there are any websites or books that might be helpful, can you post or send them to me. Our relationship seemed to be a bit better. I think she gets upset with me because maybe I have or am what she wants? (That sounds boastful but I don't mean it to be).

 

Sounds like you did great. I'm sorry your sister had a bad night, but maybe that is what she needed in order to open up to you.

 

There are forums (resembling WTM forums) at adoption.com. There are many subforums and some of them get very deep into attachment / bonding issues. Warning: they can be scary, because these problems can at times get really ugly. But it may be helpful for your sister to know that this isn't something caused by her being a bad parent or a bad person. And the people on the forums can give her a good idea of how to seek appropriate help for the issues she is having.

 

In the future, I wonder if you could occasionally make it a point to tell your sister something that you or your kids screwed up, just so she will know that you are OK with the fact that every parent, even you, makes mistakes / has failures.

[Denisemomof4]

The forums were my lifeline earlier on when I had no IRL friends who had BTDT.

 

Your poor sister. Her story breaks my heart. Her poor babies!!!!! I am so glad she was able to admit her struggles. Be as tender loving and understanding as you can.

 

I have never heard of ants doing that! The baby will be fine but..... :crying:

[Slipper]

The ants were absolutely unbelievable. It was bad. The baby seemed okay, but my sister was absolutely traumatized.

 

I know I've talked about my mistakes before but maybe I should direct them to her in an email or something. I try to laugh over my mistakes or find the bright side. There are a few mistakes I've made that I haven't told people about. Maybe I can share some in a heart to heart with her.

[Denisemomof4]

The ants were absolutely unbelievable. It was bad. The baby seemed okay, but my sister was absolutely traumatized.

 

I know I've talked about my mistakes before but maybe I should direct them to her in an email or something. I try to laugh over my mistakes or find the bright side. There are a few mistakes I've made that I haven't told people about. Maybe I can share some in a heart to heart with her.

 

Your sister thinks your grass is greener than hers. It would be nice for you to keep it real with her. We all struggle. Your sister MAY think you have it made with your bio kids (ASSumption here!) and it would be healthy and good for her to know we all struggle.

 

I know earlier on in my motherhood journey I was certain many families I was in contact with were perfect. How silly. :001_rolleyes:

 

Those ants! I would be so upset to see them attack my kids. SO not her fault!!!

[Slipper]

Yes, my kids are biologically mine. :) It took about two years to conceive, but then it was easy. By the time DD turned 1 yr old, I was already pregnant with DD#2. However, I always attributed that to God. My firstborn was diagnosed when she was 13 months old with autism and she's severely impaired. There's a good chance we wouldn't have had more however we were already pregnant at the time of diagnosis. After our second daughter was born, we "rolled the dice" again for our third daughter. :)

 

Our middle has Celiac Disease. Our youngest has some anxiety issues (we pulled her out of public school to homeschool). I wouldn't really say our life is easy, but I think it looks that way.

[Denisemomof4]

Yes, my kids are biologically mine. :) It took about two years to conceive, but then it was easy. By the time DD turned 1 yr old, I was already pregnant with DD#2. However, I always attributed that to God. My firstborn was diagnosed when she was 13 months old with autism and she's severely impaired. There's a good chance we wouldn't have had more however we were already pregnant at the time of diagnosis. After our second daughter was born, we "rolled the dice" again for our third daughter. :)

 

Our middle has Celiac Disease. Our youngest has some anxiety issues (we pulled her out of public school to homeschool). I wouldn't really say our life is easy, but I think it looks that way.

 

The assumption was that your sister thought YOU had it made because your kids are biologically yours. That is far from the case and I am so sorry for you!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Be supportive, keep it real, and hopefully your sister will realize that we ALL struggle. Not everyone admits it.;)

 

You're a good sister!!!

[HS Mom in NC]

Please understand that my motivation for what I'm about to tell you is to communicate the seriousness of your sister's (and especially your niece's) situation and to emphasize the kind of help she needs. Every issue you listed would have disqualified her as a candidate as an adoptive parent from our international adoption agency. They specifically screen (in 6 hours of in-person interviews and 20 pages of written interviews) for all of them.

 

No one being treated for a psychological issue that's treated with anti-anxiety or depression medication is accepted. No one with emotional issues related to their infertility is accepted. No one with specific ideas about what is a perfect kid is accepted. No one unwilling to utilize their attachment therapist with follow up visits is accepted. One of those things results in an application being immediately rejected. Your sister appears to have all of them. That's a really big deal.

 

Your sister has clinical issues requiring treatment. Anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. Those require treatment by medical professionals and whatever treatment she's had in the past may need to be changed. I would strongly suggest she do some follow up evaluations. Loving sisterly support and encouragement can't fix these particular issues. Neither will ordering out instead of cooking.

 

Your sister needs to see an attachment therapist specializing in adoption. The ped, her pastor, her sister, a friend, and the other lovely people around her are not trained in dealing with with attachment issues. Reading a blog, a book, or chatting online with people who have BTDT isn't going solve it.

 

I think some other type of pyschological/psychiatric counseling might be in order. When a previously childless woman says that she's very unhappy about her child being overweight, that's a problem. When she has unrealistic views that adopting will do something like make her whole, that's a big problem. When she says she wants her kids to be like your "perfect" kids, that's a big problem. When she says she's sorry she adopted one vs. the other-that's as red a flag as people get. She seems to have seriously unrealistic view of things and she seems to have unrealistic expectations of her child. That will only snowball as your niece gets older. The teen years will be far worse.

 

The most loving thing you can do for all of them is push as hard as you have to to get her to seek out qualified help and follow through with it.

[Slipper]

I had a whole reply typed out but my computer ate it. Problems with laptops I suppose..

 

Anyway, I wanted to make sure you read (at least I think I posted it) where I encouraged her to go back to her adoption agency and seek out post adoption counseling. Same thing, right? (Seriously asking, I know it reads kinda flippant).

 

Is it true that if you've ever been diagnosed with anxiety/depression you can't adopt? That's sad. :( DH and I have thought about adopting special needs kids after our two younger are grown. My depression/anxiety was directly related to our daughter's diagnosis and stress of being pregnant again. I thought it was a good sign to go for help. I would think something like that would prevent people from seeking help.

[Denisemomof4]

I had a whole reply typed out but my computer ate it. Problems with laptops I suppose..

 

Anyway, I wanted to make sure you read (at least I think I posted it) where I encouraged her to go back to her adoption agency and seek out post adoption counseling. Same thing, right? (Seriously asking, I know it reads kinda flippant).

 

Is it true that if you've ever been diagnosed with anxiety/depression you can't adopt? That's sad. :( DH and I have thought about adopting special needs kids after our two younger are grown. My depression/anxiety was directly related to our daughter's diagnosis and stress of being pregnant again. I thought it was a good sign to go for help. I would think something like that would prevent people from seeking help.

 

No, that's NOT true. People can and do adopt after being treated and medicated for depresion and anxiety. Maybe SOME agencies won't allow it, but it can still happen.

[Twinmom]

Former agency director here...I consider it a personal strength when I hear of someone who has been willing to seek treatment for anxiety, depression, infertility issues, etc., especially if they have been strong enough to admit that they needed medication. I worry about those who DON'T seek treatment after going through the stresses of infertility. I would not reject someone with that kind of history by any means, but would definitely want to dive deeply into the issue with them to ensure that they are in a good place now. In fact, I regularly told adoptive parents in training that they were the perfect parents for a child who had experienced loss and pain through adoption...those who have never suffered such a deep wound can rarely relate to a child who has.

 

You did a GREAT job with your sister. Consider the ants as an evil that God used for good...they made her feel vulnerable and honest enough to really talk to you. Could turn out to be a real watershed moment for her. Continue with your plan to let her in on the vulnerabilities in your own life and she will likely be more and more willing to share her own. Help her step by step until she finds the right professional support arena, and remember that she might be willing to say things honestly to you that do not sound "pretty" or even healthy, because you are her sister and it sounds like she trusts you. Her willingness to verbalize her "disappointments" in her children to you may actually turn out to be healthier than it sounds. She is getting the proverbial poison out of her heart with a safe person. You might even remind her that this is a strength and not a weakness if done out of earshot of the kiddos!

 

:grouphug:

 

You are an awesome sister. Wish you had been there for me when I was suffering post adoption!

[HS Mom in NC]

It depends which country you adopt from and it can depend on which agency you use here in the US. Any use of an anti-depressant ever immediately eliminated a couple at our agency. Agencies vary widely. Some are down right bad. When we were looking into all our options we found two agencies that encouraged parents to fill out in detail what the "ideal child" looked like, what their personality was like, etc. We avoided those like the plague. It's a recipe for disaster and any agency encouraging it should be out of business yesterday.

 

I researched adult adoptee writings (good and bad experiences) and it was not unusual to find that bad experiences seem to be related to attachment issues and being treated like they were "second best" to the biological children that never were. I interviewed several adult adoptees and heard several speak in person. Unrealistic expectations are never good for children and they create ever increasing resentment and frustration in children and parents. I wouldn't assume that dealing with infertility issues categorically makes an adoptive parent relateable to an adoptive child's loss of birth family. While I am willing to accept that it's a real possibility, I would have to hear that from the mouths of adult adoptees who have dealt with infertility issues before I would accept it as true.

 

(I say that as someone who lost my first 3 babies and was not expected to survive the delivery of my second biological child which resulted in being told it was not medically advisable to have any more. I'm not minimizing the losses of primary and secondary infertility issues. I'm simply saying they are two very different experiences that may or may not relateable. I'm extremely cautious about any sort of "I know how you feel" kinds of implications to someone who had a different experience than I did.)

 

Not all adoption agencies are staffed with attachment therapists specializing in adoption. That's a specialty. You wouldn't ask your general dentist to do oral surgery. You wouldn't go to a GP to go heart surgery. Why go to any old social worker at an agency when there is a specialist in adoption attachment issues available? Not all social workers working for adoption agencies have attachment therapist training, so no, you can't assume that post adoption counseling with her agency is the same thing as seeing a specialist in the field.