How to handle teen girls?

[I.Dup.]

Abbeygurl4 posted that she is used to girls and knows how to handle them through the teen years, and I wanted to start a thread so she can share her wisdom with those of us who are embarking on the teen girl journey! It's already a bit of a rough ride here, and I only have 1 girl. My teen years were a terrible trauma and I'm really nervous about it going badly with my daughter. Any tips/advice Abbeygurl or any other mother who has raised girls through the teen years would be great!

 

My main dilemma right now as I see her so obviously struggling with hormonal swings, is whether or not I should go easy on her...maybe let her shy away from work or not give her as many responsibilities because she is fighting me so much about every, little thing. The other part of me thinks it would be a terrible idea because I think feeling more useful in the family by helping out more through the teen yeas and learning self-control in spite of her "feelings" would be a good thing, right? (I was an only child and my parents didn't require much out of me at all- just left me more time for navel gazing and emo drama :glare:)

[TXMomof4]

I'll be watching this thread! I have two pre-adolescent girls (12 and almost 11) and one following shortly (9) and I'm already ready to pull my hair out. The drama and mood swings are enough to make me crazy and they aren't even all the way there yet!

[The Girls' Mom]

I'm in the trenches right now. (although my younger two are only 12, they are well into puberty and all the hormonal junk that goes with)

 

For us, we haven't really gone easier on them just because they are hormonal. The same responsibilities are there (actually a bit more since they are getting older). But there are LOTS of talks and love handed out. And grace. Backtalk and disobedience are not tolerated, but I also try not to call them out on every nasty tone of voice or drama induced sigh. (this is HARD!)

 

Mostly, keep talking to them. Don't be judgemental when they open their hearts to you.

 

My almost 16 year old still talks to me about EVERYTHING. Boys included. It is because she still trusts me. (I never had that with my own mom). She knows that even when I don't agree with her, I'm not going to have a fit, yell at her, or whatever.

 

It is tough, and I am no where near the end. But here in the middle of it all, there generally is peace in our home. It doesn't always have to be bad when they hit their teen years.

[bettyandbob]

Mostly, keep talking to them. Don't be judgemental when they open their hearts to you.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I am so grateful my dd talks to me. She will seek me out and tell me about her day--she goes to ps now. She tells me about the girls at her lunch table and her lab partners. I mostly listen. I point out red flags in behavior she describes once in a while, but it's about me listening to her and giving my opinion when it seems like she's asking.

 

We have a some weekly tv time together to watch shows only we will watch. We talk then too. dd dances our new show may be Bunheads, we'll see how it premiers tonight.

 

I make sure dd gets lots of one on one time. If I didn't she'd be lost in the shuffle of her brothers, both of whom have required losts of attention. She, theoretically doesn't require that much attention, but if I didn't work her in I wouldn't know her at all and she'd never tell me anything.

 

We still have behavioral expectations. In some ways the standard for behavior is higher in house for dd than it is for either ds. This not because they are boys. It has to do with many other issues (youngest has down syndrome, oldest, while appearing typical, has had many other issues). This has bothered her once or twice, but we've explained "different kids, different needs, different expectations" and she mostly gets it. In other words "you are able to do this, so we expect you to do it". I try to make sure she gets small rewards (privileges) based on what we expect too.

 

We do have drama. Sometimes a lost gym uniform is my fault :confused:. In such a situation, if I have time I will help look, but I won't interact much. Sometimes a coach will put her in an event she doesn't like--she will yell at me about it. She will never tell the coach. At that point I realize she's a little scared to do what she is being asked and she needs to vent. And so I listen and realize it's not actually my fault and don't take it personally.

 

Not taking certain things she says personally really helps. I make it clear when she has said something inappropriate or unfair and back away so she can time herself out and pull herself together. I need to stay calm or the drama will escalate.

 

I feel very lucky to have the relationship I have with dd. It is nothing like the relationship I had/have with my mother.

[Joker]

One of the hardest things for me has been showing empathy when she thinks her world is falling apart (which can be several times a day :glare:). It's worked wonders! I'm not blowing it off or being judgemental anymore, but there are times I have to take many deep breaths and collect my thoughts before speaking. I'm just trying to see things more from her point of view.

 

It's also been difficult realizing that with her growing up and increased responsibilities, she should have more freedoms. She's my oldest so it's not easy letting go. She has become more open since I've given her more room, and I feel we are closer now than before.

[clarkacademy]

Devlin is 15 and for the most part she is great! We do have moments where she has done something totally off wall crazy and it was swiftly dealt with and there were no repeats. She knows the reasons behind things so I think that helps alot. I tell her this is the way it is and I talk to her allllll the time.

 

I know this sounds stupid but she still has to be a part of things we do as a family even if it is stupid, even if she is way past it we are still a family. Last Christmas we read a book and made a craft everyday for 25 days. Yes the stories were basically kiddo books as well as the crafts. She also has a much younger sister and two younger brothers.

 

At first she huffed and puffed I ignored it and at the end of the 25 days she was laughing and having as much fun as the younger kids. She has responsibilities suitable to her age and gets respect for her thoughts and feelings. Like I said she has moments but her hormones are not babied here she has to pull her share too. Talk and talk some more keep talking until the day your kiddo moves out then be an ear to listen.

 

At 15 I had already taken off multiple times my daughter would never dream of this.

[I.Dup.]

Thank you all so much, these are great tips!! Please keep them coming.

 

I tend to take things personally, I want so bad to give her a good childhood and do everything perfectly because I had a really rough time with my mom and grew up resenting her a lot. DD and I have a lot of really great, close times, but whenever she gets mad or upset (more and more frequently now) I take it personally. How do you get out of that mindset?

[justamouse]

Keep hugging them and telling them you love them.

 

IF you have to criticize, make sure you have enough in their emotional bank to make that withdrawal.

 

Make sure it's a hill you're willing to die on.

 

LAUGH. THe family that prays together stays together? That's kind of good. BUt when you're not even there, the family that PLAYS together stays together.

 

The family that works together and plays together stays together even more. :D Shared laughter and work form such wonderful, long-lasting bonds.

 

Don't clamp down unless they give you a reason to--and don't go looking for those reasons.

 

Blessed, you can't let guilt be the fuel that drives your responses. OTherwise you're ripe for manipulating. Know when you are right, and then remain firm. That doesn't mean to not be empathetic to their feelings, it just means remain firm.

 

I didn't allow for PMS meltdowns, but I did allow for cramps (that's what advil is for) and general crankiness --because they're learning to navigate it--but we all don't melt down. We learn how to have that self control that makes us get up and do what we have to do (and sometimes nothing more) but it's called being an adult. You don't get to be snarky and treat people like dirt because you're in a hormonal swing. :D

 

I love the book PARENTING WITH GRACE-it's the best parenting book I've read yet (AP).

Edited June 11, 2012 by justamouse

[I.Dup.]

Keep hugging them and telling them you love them.

 

IF you have to criticize, make sure you have enough in their emotional bank to make that withdrawal.

 

Make sure it's a hill you're willing to die on.

 

LAUGH. THe family that prays together stays together? That's kind of good. BUt when you're not even there, the family that PLAYS together stays together.

 

The family that works together and plays together stays together even more. :D Shared laughter and work form such wonderful, long-lasting bonds.

 

Don't clamp down unless they give you a reason to--and don't go looking for those reasons.

 

Blessed, you can't let guilt be the fuel that drives your responses. OTherwise you're ripe for manipulating. Know when you are right, and then remain firm. That doesn't mean to not be empathetic to their feelings, it just means remain firm.

 

I didn't allow for PMS meltdowns, but I did allow for cramps (that's what advil is for) and general crankiness --because they're learning to navigate it--but we all don't melt down. We learn how to have that self control that makes us get up and do what we have to do (and sometimes nothing more) but it's called being an adult. You don't get to be snarky and treat people like dirt because you're in a hormonal swing. :D

 

I love the book PARENTING WITH GRACE-it's the best parenting book I've read yet (AP).

 

Thank you! Can you give me examples of the work/play you mean? What kinds of family work and play is appropriate with teens? I've been in child mode for so long. I JUST NOW gave them regular chores to do. I really want her to help and contribute more as she gets older, but I get intimidated by her hormonal swings, you are so right that I am "ripe for the picking."

 

How do you choose your battles but still be firm?

[angela in ohio]

I'll tell you my theoriies on raising girls:

 

I think the best thing we have done is to have our dds volunteer. It is hard to feel sorry for yourself or give yourself an excuse because you are hormonal or things don't go your way, when you are weekly made aware that there are others who don't have food or are facing mental and physical challenges beyond what most of us can even comprehend. My dds spend 5-15 hours a week working with others who have a hundred times the problems they do. It's a great constant reminder.

 

And a few wise women (here and IRL) have said this before, and I keep it in mind: I make sure I am useful to them. It's really hard to be mean to someone who is obviously there for you and dedicating her life to you. The few times one of my dds has disrespected me, dh has reminded them quickly of all I do for them and how quickly and easily it could end. :001_smile:

 

I require open communication, I don't allow peer dependency, and I accept nothing else but respectful and mature behavior. I can do those things without any problems, because I have earned the right through putting my dc high on my list of prioirities (right behind God and dh.) They can see every day the things I have chosen to give up, and they thank me for it.

 

My dds have a lot of responsibilities and a lot of opportunities. They know one earns the other, though we don't discuss it in those terms often. Yes, I think they need to feel like a contributing member of the family and have that connection to family. I don't put up with groaning or fighting, but that's just because I have really never had any patience for it. I refuse to allow anyone who I created, clothe, feed, and educate to cause me any grief. :D I'm pretty no-nonsense in general, and I think this has helped immensely. I calm down anything quickly, instead of engaging and escalating a fight. I think some people enjoy engaging in teen girl drama, but I have no use for it. :(

 

I've been fortunate in knowing many women IRL who have great relationships with mature and lovely teen and young adult dds who have never done "the teen girl thing." So when someone talks about the "inevitable" problems with teen girls, I know better.

 

Anyway, having teen daughters is the joy of my life (though having a little guy is nice, too.) :001_smile: And I think part of the reason is that we have never focused on the teen thing.

Edited June 11, 2012 by angela in ohio

[Jennifer L]

Taking notes.. :lurk5:

[I.Dup.]

I'll tell you my theoriies on raising girls:

 

I think the best thing we have done is to have our dds volunteer. It is hard to feel sorry for yourself or give yourself an excuse because you are hormonal or things don't go your way, when you are weekly made aware that there are others who don't have food or are facing mental and physical challenges beyond what most of us can even comprehend. My dds spend 5-15 hours a week working with others who have a hundred times the problems they do. It's a great constant reminder.

 

And a few wise women (here and IRL) have said this before, and I keep it in mind: I make sure I am useful to them. It's really hard to be mean to someone who is obviously there for you and dedicating her life to you. The few times one of my dds has disrespected me, dh has reminded them quickly of all I do for them and how quickly and easily it could end. :001_smile:

 

I require open communication, I don't allow peer dependency, and I accept nothing else but respectful and mature behavior. I can do those things without any problems, because I have earned the right through putting my dc high on my list of prioirities (right behind God and dh.) They can see every day the things I have chosen to give up, and they thank me for it.

 

My dds have a lot of responsibilities and a lot of opportunities. They know one earns the other, though we don't discuss it in those terms often. Yes, I think they need to feel like a contributing member of the family and have that connection to family. I don't put up with groaning or fighting, but that's just because I have really never had any patience for it. I refuse to allow anyone who I created, clothe, feed, and educate to cause me any grief. :D I'm pretty no-nonsense in general, and I think this has helped immensely. I calm down anything quickly, instead of engaging and escalating a fight. I think some people enjoy engaging in teen girl drama, but I have no use for it. :(

 

I've been fortunate in knowing many women IRL who have great relationships with mature and lovely teen and young adult dds who have never done "the teen girl thing." So when someone talks about the "inevitable" problems with teen girls, I know better.

 

Anyway, having teen daughters is the joy of my life (though having a little guy is nice, too.) :001_smile: And I think part of the reason is that we have never focused on the teen thing.

 

Thank you so much! Can you please (pretty please) give me examples of the bolded above, what that looks like?

[rlugbill]

This may sound too easy and not specific enough, but let her sleep. Make sure she goes to bed at the same time every night and don't wake her up. Let her sleep in.

 

Many arguments will be avoided with this strategy with the exception of bed-time battles. But, if the bed time is always the same, there will be fewer fights than if it is always a negotiation.

 

Also, have policies. Like an office has policies about things. Write them down. Otherwise, you are always having to make decisions on the fly. Byt the way, you don't have to be forced into any split-second decision. I need a minute to think or talk about it with my spouse are fine responses.

 

But with policies, the rules will be clear. Teens will often argue over gray areas. Try to have consistent policies. But, within the policy you can have exceptions. For example, no sleepovers except for birthday parties. Or, bedtime is 10 pm, except for Friday and Saturday, when it is 11 pm.

 

Love your girl, listen to your girl, but calmly enforce any limits. Along with the policy, you should have a written list of possible sanctions. Otherwise, you will try to come up with some punishment on the fly and the emotions will make your decision-making difficult.

 

This may sound counter-intuitive, but don't make the punishments harsh. Make them short. It's more important that there is some consequence than a harsh punishment. And once you have taken away their I-phone, you can't take it away again. Punishments are really so they know what the limits are. And you don't want to hesitate to call them on violating the rules because you are concerned that the punishment is too harsh. Call them on it, but make the punishment short.

 

Try to build your relationship with your daughter by doing mutually enjoyable activities with her and by listening to her. Be like a counselor who is very good at listening- eye contact, acknowledge her feelings, etc.

 

This is important- have your daughter spend more time with adults than with peers. She will be drawn to peers, but a child who spends lots of time with peers and has little connection with adults is on the path to trouble. People tend to become like the people they spend time with.

 

Also, have her take care of younger children and/or animals. She'll be less likely to be self-centered that way and will exercise her natural compassion. Less time with peers, and more time with adults and young children.

 

Hope this is helpful.

[I.Dup.]

This may sound too easy and not specific enough, but let her sleep. Make sure she goes to bed at the same time every night and don't wake her up. Let her sleep in.

 

Many arguments will be avoided with this strategy with the exception of bed-time battles. But, if the bed time is always the same, there will be fewer fights than if it is always a negotiation.

 

Also, have policies. Like an office has policies about things. Write them down. Otherwise, you are always having to make decisions on the fly. Byt the way, you don't have to be forced into any split-second decision. I need a minute to think or talk about it with my spouse are fine responses.

 

But with policies, the rules will be clear. Teens will often argue over gray areas. Try to have consistent policies. But, within the policy you can have exceptions. For example, no sleepovers except for birthday parties. Or, bedtime is 10 pm, except for Friday and Saturday, when it is 11 pm.

 

Love your girl, listen to your girl, but calmly enforce any limits. Along with the policy, you should have a written list of possible sanctions. Otherwise, you will try to come up with some punishment on the fly and the emotions will make your decision-making difficult.

 

This may sound counter-intuitive, but don't make the punishments harsh. Make them short. It's more important that there is some consequence than a harsh punishment. And once you have taken away their I-phone, you can't take it away again. Punishments are really so they know what the limits are. And you don't want to hesitate to call them on violating the rules because you are concerned that the punishment is too harsh. Call them on it, but make the punishment short.

 

Try to build your relationship with your daughter by doing mutually enjoyable activities with her and by listening to her. Be like a counselor who is very good at listening- eye contact, acknowledge her feelings, etc.

 

This is important- have your daughter spend more time with adults than with peers. She will be drawn to peers, but a child who spends lots of time with peers and has little connection with adults is on the path to trouble. People tend to become like the people they spend time with.

 

Also, have her take care of younger children and/or animals. She'll be less likely to be self-centered that way and will exercise her natural compassion. Less time with peers, and more time with adults and young children.

 

Hope this is helpful.

 

VERY helpful. Thank you. Can you explain the bolded above? Do you mean the same punishment shouldn't be used twice? I totally agree with you on peer interaction and that is something we try to be really careful about. I loved the book "Hold On To Your Kids" and it's very similar to what you're saying here.

[rlugbill]

What I meant is actually very obvious, but you don't think about it at first. If you use your leverage, you don't have any. Take away their cell phone for an hour and then give it back. If you take it away for a week, then during that week, you can't take it away from them, so you have lost some of your leverage.

 

Make sense?

[I.Dup.]

What I meant is actually very obvious, but you don't think about it at first. If you use your leverage, you don't have any. Take away their cell phone for an hour and then give it back. If you take it away for a week, then during that week, you can't take it away from them, so you have lost some of your leverage.

 

Make sense?

 

I have run into that before (losing my leverage) but what motivation is it when they know their phone will only be taken away for an hour, or some other minor consequence?

[justamouse]

SUCH good advice!

 

Thank you! Can you give me examples of the work/play you mean? What kinds of family work and play is appropriate with teens? I've been in child mode for so long. I JUST NOW gave them regular chores to do. I really want her to help and contribute more as she gets older, but I get intimidated by her hormonal swings, you are so right that I am "ripe for the picking."

 

How do you choose your battles but still be firm?

 

Well, first of all, Sunday is family day. We kick back, eat, go to church, eat, read the paper, share the crossword, eat, go on a hike, but it's family centered. It's the first step to building a family culture. It's the day I break out a dessert, light candles for dinner, make something special, watch a movie together. We rest, but we do it together. That's the beginning of play time together as a family. We'll go to the park and fly kites, we laugh a lot, we spend the day out by the pool. I'm constantly investing in their emotional bank account, so that when I give them a look, they adjust the settings on the attitude. ;)

 

My oldest daughter has been so easy to raise that I haven't really had to draw lines in the sand with her for years. But I raised her as in the upper paragraph. I can't even count the times I've disciplined her--they've been that few. When she started her cycles was THE hardest time with her-it was a hard few years, but I saw what punishments did with my oldest son (bad) and made a 180 with her--and the rest of them. But it was bad in the way of her attitude, which eventually got readjusted. :001_smile:

 

We work together by planting the garden, raking the leaves, they all have chores, we ALL fold laundry-together. It's very rare I'm in the laundry room by myself folding. THey help pick up, they set the table--we ALL get dinner to the table. We work together. Running a house with this many people takes all of us working together-it ain't all momma's job.;) They help me replant, water houseplants, dust. But I'm not sitting while they're doing it-I'm helping too. They're not serving me--we're serving each other.

 

We go to a farm once a week and we help out. We all paint fences, we all water, shovel, feed.

 

We also help stock the church food pantry, break down the boxes, fill bags.

 

We had a church luncheon this weekend past, and they helped break it all down, and MAN those kids helped. Even the 6 yo was hauling chairs.

 

Know what is reasonable and stand by it.

 

I'll use as example another thread where the child assumed parents would buy a ticket for a friend and not even ask first if friend could be invited. That wouldn't stand in my house. It's disrespectful on many accounts. If I got lip, they'd lose a friend coming over for 3 days. If I got more lip, it'd be a week. Once with one of my sons I got such an attitude I refused to let him play with his best friend until he started being nice to his siblings.

 

Now, I didn't expect my kids to learn that without being taught, either, so you're going to have a few slip ups before they learn to ask first. But they need to know why it's rude to both you and the friend, and we don't want to treat our family and friends like that, do we?

 

Last night as we were cleaning up after dinner, Dd10 and Dd6 went to blow one candle out, and Dd10, trying to get it out before her little sister, blew so hard that the hot wax splattered all over her little sister's face.

 

She told me it was an accident. I told her it wasn't--that she shouldn't have been racing her sister to blow it out in the first place, but she was feeling spiteful.

 

I didn't punish her. I didn't have to. She cried so hard for hurting her sister (who with a little ice was fine) that she showered and put herself to bed, after she apologized profusely.

 

She learned a big lesson on being spiteful. She then specifically sought to help her little sister out today-moreso than usual. (this is where teachings on confession and penance really come in handy--we've done badly, we've made a mistake, but now how do we make up for it? It's not good enough or just to simply apologize, we must try and right the situation).

Edited June 11, 2012 by justamouse

[Tarreymere]

I have two adult biological daughters and I sort of ended up with my dh's adopted daughter in the middle of her adolescence and shortly after that my adopted step-daughter's pregnant biological younger half-sister. All four girls were within three years of each other's age. Teen girl drama to the max! In a house with only one bathroom. :willy_nilly:

 

It helped that dh and I were committed to being on the same page with how we handled the girls and that we had a strong and mutally supportive relationship. I'm not going to claim that we handled things perfectly, but we tried. All four girls still talk to us! It was very rocky at times.

 

It helps to be consistent and predictable. If you aren't sure how to handle a situation it's okay to defer a response until you have talked to your spouse. We expected everyone to be civil and respectful of each other. We still expected the girls (even the pregnant one) to take their school and work responsibilities seriously and we expected the girls to take their responsibilities to our home and family seriously. I don't mean to imply that they always did so!

 

We did a LOT of listening. If possible, we tried to allow them to set their own limits and consequences for each other and helped them remember why they had chosen those limits and consequences when that became necessary.

 

I have to go, dh is home. I'm interested in this thread!

[I.Dup.]

SUCH good advice!

 

 

 

Well, first of all, Sunday is family day. We kick back, eat, go to church, eat, read the paper, share the crossword, eat, go on a hike, but it's family centered. It's the first step to building a family culture. It's the day I break out a dessert, light candles for dinner, make something special, watch a movie together. We rest, but we do it together. That's the beginning of play time together as a family. We'll go to the park and fly kites, we laugh a lot, we spend the day out by the pool. I'm constantly investing in their emotional bank account, so that when I give them a look, they adjust the settings on the attitude. ;)

 

My oldest daughter has been so easy to raise that I haven't really had to draw lines in the sand with her for years. But I raised her as in the upper paragraph. I can't even count the times I've disciplined her--they've been that few. When she started her cycles was THE hardest time with her-it was a hard few years, but I saw what punishments did with my oldest son (bad) and made a 180 with her--and the rest of them. But it was bad in the way of her attitude, which eventually got readjusted. :001_smile:

 

We work together by planting the garden, raking the leaves, they all have chores, we ALL fold laundry-together. It's very rare I'm in the laundry room by myself folding. THey help pick up, they set the table--we ALL get dinner to the table. We work together. Running a house with this many people takes all of us working together-it ain't all momma's job.;) They help me replant, water houseplants, dust. But I'm not sitting while they're doing it-I'm helping too. They're not serving me--we're serving each other.

 

We go to a farm once a week and we help out. We all paint fences, we all water, shovel, feed.

 

We also help stock the church food pantry, break down the boxes, fill bags.

 

We had a church luncheon this weekend past, and they helped break it all down, and MAN those kids helped. Even the 6 yo was hauling chairs.

 

Know what is reasonable and stand by it.

 

I'll use as example another thread where the child assumed parents would buy a ticket for a friend and not even ask first if friend could be invited. That wouldn't stand in my house. It's disrespectful on many accounts. If I got lip, they'd lose a friend coming over for 3 days. If I got more lip, it'd be a week. Once with one of my sons I got such an attitude I refused to let him play with his best friend until he started being nice to his siblings.

 

Now, I didn't expect my kids to learn that without being taught, either, so you're going to have a few slip ups before they learn to ask first. But they need to know why it's rude to both you and the friend, and we don't want to treat our family and friends like that, do we?

 

Last night as we were cleaning up after dinner, Dd10 and Dd6 went to blow one candle out, and Dd10, trying to get it out before her little sister, blew so hard that the hot wax splattered all over her little sister's face.

 

She told me it was an accident. I told her it wasn't--that she shouldn't have been racing her sister to blow it out in the first place, but she was feeling spiteful.

 

I didn't punish her. I didn't have to. She cried so hard for hurting her sister (who with a little ice was fine) that she showered and put herself to bed, after she apologized profusely.

 

She learned a big lesson on being spiteful. She then specifically sought to help her little sister out today-moreso than usual. (this is where teachings on confession and penance really come in handy--we've done badly, we've made a mistake, but now how do we make up for it? It's not good enough or just to simply apologize, we must try and right the situation).

 

This is very helpful, thank you!!

 

Can you explain what you mean by the bolded? That you think punishments are wrong? How would you handle a child who throws an attitude anytime things don't go his/her way- tendency toward selfishness?

 

All of the things you mentioned sound lovely. I'm just not sure how to get to the point where we are having fun more often than not when I have 2 kids that throw major fits/attitudes when things don't go their way at every turn, kwim?

[justamouse]

This is very helpful, thank you!!

 

Can you explain what you mean by the bolded? That you think punishments are wrong? How would you handle a child who throws an attitude anytime things don't go his/her way- tendency toward selfishness?

 

All of the things you mentioned sound lovely. I'm just not sure how to get to the point where we are having fun more often than not when I have 2 kids that throw major fits/attitudes when things don't go their way at every turn, kwim?

 

I punished my first so often there was nothing that kid could do right. Success breeds success. He was punished so much he didn't even see a point to even trying to be good anymore. Like a PP said, when you've taken it away--you have no leverage. So he eventually got everything taken away and then there was no where else to go so he just gave up. I never built a bridge for him to walk back across, you know?

 

Yours are young, yet. Attitudes for selfishness are a part of learning, they're a part of growing up and even adults are insanely selfish! So it's not something that they'll ever not struggle with, there's just different levels.

 

I think you need that Popcak book, Parenting with Grace. :D It really IS a fantastic book.

 

So, how would I deal with a selfish kid?

 

Well, my 6 yo tends toward the selfish, and what I do with her is sit with her while she does what she's supposed to do. Yes, it's time consuming, but then the good habits are formed and I don't really have to deal with it again. So if she doesn't want to clean her room, I sit up there on the bed and tell her every little thing that needs to be put away. (yes, she's fully capable).

 

I don't care about attitudes, I step right over them. Flail and tantrum all you want, you can't make me change my mind and if you get sullen you'll not be allowed to stay with us while we____ so you'd better put a smile on.

 

See, that's where the fun deposits come into play. The family is so much fun to be with, not being able to do something with us really stings. You're being ugly? You don't get to sit and watch TV in the evening.

 

You don't want to share? You can give a double portion next time. Don't want to help? You can do your share and your brothers.

 

HTH. Seriously, the book is fantastic.

[I.Dup.]

 

I think you need that Popcak book, Parenting with Grace. :D It really IS a fantastic book.

 

I looked up the book and saw it said something about "almost perfect children" and remembered I had a Catholic talk on CD about raising "almost perfect children" so I dug it out and sure enough, it was by them! I listened to it twice this afternoon, it was good. I'm thinking about getting the book because they did say they shared more tips in there. The tips that stuck out to me that I think will help all the kids were the ones about "do-overs" and teaching them what you want them to do instead of just punishing them for what they're not doing right. I'm not sure if it'd be worth the extra $10 to get the book though...

[1pageatatime]

Thanks to the OP! I really needed to read this tonight.

 

I'm trying to figure out what Attachment Parenting looks like with a teen girl and preteen boy.;)

 

You all provided such good advice and wisdom.:001_smile:

 

The improvements I know that need to happen are-

 

Listen more, not judge, not overreact.

 

Get my dd around more adults. Now, I'm not sure how to do that, but I can understand the value of it. Unfortunately, my dd has a summer job where she is around a lot of kids, then babysits. In her free time, she is at the pool. I do think her job, and keeping her busy with responsibility is very good. Praise God!

 

Last Thursday I took her for a pedi/mani - something my own mom always did for herself, but never with me. It was fun!:001_smile:

[justamouse]

I looked up the book and saw it said something about "almost perfect children" and remembered I had a Catholic talk on CD about raising "almost perfect children" so I dug it out and sure enough, it was by them! I listened to it twice this afternoon, it was good. I'm thinking about getting the book because they did say they shared more tips in there. The tips that stuck out to me that I think will help all the kids were the ones about "do-overs" and teaching them what you want them to do instead of just punishing them for what they're not doing right. I'm not sure if it'd be worth the extra $10 to get the book though...

 

 

I would send you mine, but it's my one book that gets lent out all the time and right now another friend is reading it.

 

It's an excellent 10 dollars spent. Get the hardcopy, not the e-book because you'll want to go back to it again and again. That book helped me get my kids to where they are--myself, also. It helped me fully realize the type of parent I wanted to be instead of reacting to what kind of parent I didn't want to be.