Balancing needs of aging parent and teen?

[Barbara]

I'm feeling stressed! I have a just turned 16 yr. dd and almost 20 ds and help take care of my elderly mom and work two part-time jobs (approx. 25 hrs.; sometimes more) a week. My two siblings and I rotate taking care of my mom. One sibling is retired after 30 yrs. and the other has a very busy business out of their home. My 20 ds works and goes to school.

 

My mother is in her mid 80's and has dementia, but is in good physical shape. My dd sometimes stays with her when it's my day to help and I have to work. I think this is too much for my dd. My mother repeats herself constantly and just acts weird sometimes. My siblings seem to think my dd is "old enough" to understand these things and be fine with it. Both of my siblings' children are grown and gone.

 

Several of my friends think I should focus on my dd, and that my siblings are inconsiderate of the fact that I still have responsibilities for my dd. I know my siblings have things they need/want to do, but I feel like I'm sacrificing (or already have sacrificed) my dd's teen years to take care of my mom.

 

We are interviewing someone to help with my mom now, but I will still have a day or two to help with Mom. I love my mom and want to help, but I find myself not helping or doing things with my dd because of my mom.

 

Any ideas? How to balance? WWYD? Thanks for listening...

[OrganicAnn]

Lots of people go through this period where they balance the needs of different generations. I don't think you should give up your help for your mom just because you have a teen.

 

How does your teen feel about staying with her grandma?

 

Is there anything you can cut out besides time with your teen or time with your mom?

 

Can dad spend more time with your teen during this time?

 

 

My mom is in her early 80s and though she totally alert, she had balance issues and has fallen several times and I'm trying to balance that with an 8 year old. So I know the feeling.

[maddykate]

I have been in the position of your dd. My mother took care of her mother when I was a teenager and I can 100% say that I had no hurt feelings against my mom for doing it. When it was my mom's night to stay with grandma, I would spend the night with her too. I looked at it as helping my mom do the right thing. I think the example you are setting to your dd is more valuable than she understands at this age.

 

When it came time for me to be there for my mom, (she passed away in 2005, at the age of 54), I was able to be there for her and I hope, show my dc what it means to provide comfort and peace to someone at the end of their lives. It is an immeasurable gift, in my opinion, and one that I did not realize fully until adulthood.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you, as I know it is a difficult place to be. :grouphug:

 

 

 

I wanted to add that my grandma had dementia, too, and was hateful! She said the worst things ever and I do have to admit, I didn't handle it well. I would talk very rudely back to her and tell her how inappropriate she was behaving. I am sure we sounded like a couple of kids fighting on a playground. I am not happy with those memories and it did put more stress on my mother when I did that. However, we made it through it and over time, I did realize it wasn't grandma talking...and I changed how I handled myself. Truly a wonderful lesson to be had, even though it was difficult at the time.

Edited May 23, 2012 by maddykate

[Ellie]

ITA with your siblings. A 16yo is old enough to stay with her elderly grandmother.

[sparrow]

ITA with your siblings. A 16yo is old enough to stay with her elderly grandmother.

 

:iagree: I helped with my grandmother, who had had a stroke and could only say the word "no", literally. She was paralyzed on her right side and needed assistance with everything. We did not have a great relationship, but I cared for her nevertheless.

 

My children are not old enough to care for their grandmother with dementia, but they are with her often. They *get* that their grandmother "repeats herself constantly and just acts weird sometimes". I would think your 16yo would, too.

[HSMom2One]

My 82 yo mother with health issues lives with us, I hs our youngest child who is now 13 yo AND I work two part-time jobs. I don't have the luxury of help from my siblings because both of them are not interested in any part of our mother's care. Yes, this is challenging, but not impossible. Women have, after all, been doing this type of thing for loved ones over the centuries. I personally believe that's one reason God gave us so much inner strength and fortitude.

 

One issue is to not let one person take the whole focus of the family. We are all special and have needs. As for my dear mother - we are just beginning to access help from outside agencies that can help carry some of the burden with her care. Having someone available to provide transportation to and from shopping and medical appointments for her a couple times per month makes a huge difference for us. Having had a father who suffered from dementia many years, I also know that when Mom reaches the point that she is needing more constant care we will have to get outside help to come in. I believe it is possible for us to care for our elderly loved one at home, but I know that I have to find some help. I cannot do it all alone or there will be nothing left for my dd, my spouse and marriage or for myself for that matter. Our family (dh, dd and I) needs to work together to keep a balance, and we all have to be willing to contribute. Where I lack from support from siblings, my own family makes up a lot of the difference. Even dd helps with her grandma and household chores in addition to doing her studies. Dh runs errands and is good at sitting with mom, lending a hand or just listening when she needs it. Those are the things that really mean a lot and go a long way.

 

We will do this as long as we can, but at some point we know we may have to turn to nursing home care. Even then, it will require time and energy on my part. But I will do as I do now by taking one day at a time, holding on to my faith, getting plenty of rest and good nutrition and delegating some things to others.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Joanne]

I agree with your concern. I don't have aging parent issues, but a disabled spouse and his issues look and function very much like aging parent/dementia issues.

 

It falls on my kids a lot to manage/handle things - and I don't think that is ok or acceptable. It is a major factor influencing my leaning towards options that remove my husband from the home. It will attend to his needs, and be of benefit functionally here.

 

The kids who live with me are 15 and 13. My oldest is also in a caregiving role when he's here. Yes, they can understand. But, no, they should not be called on to regularly be in that role.

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug: each case is different, so I don't really have any advice. just :grouphug: - btdt and in addition to the teens and elderly mother, I had an undiagnosed aspie preschooler.

If you can get the teens to help and hour or two a week it will be very worthwhile as well. it will help you, your mom, and give them some very important education about what really matters in life. way ahead of their peers.

 

eta: I had my mother in an appropriate care facility - it still required time, but she was not living in my home.

[Barbara]

My heart goes out to all of you. We've been traveling this road for a couple of years now, and I guess I'm just tired.

 

My dd had some mild depression and anxiety issues a few years ago that were difficult so maybe I'm just overanxious myself about her being with my mom. It can be very tiring and stressful. So if it is stressful for the adults helping, it seems like it would be more so for my dd? We do talk about how hard it is sometimes. My dd does understand that her grandmother has problems, etc. but to be in a caregiver role seems too much. She is also the youngest grandchild.

 

We live within walking distance of my mom so we end up seeing her a lot on our off days as well. For instance, the night of my dd's prom, my mom shows up as we are trying to get out the door. We have to take Mom back home, get her settled in, etc. which makes us late for meeting the group. Things like this seem to happen a lot.

 

Thanks so much for sharing your stories.

[ZooRho]

I'm not local to my parents but we took 5 weeks down there in the fall to help them out, they had almost totally fallen apart in a month. eeek

 

I took my 16 yo ds with me he was good about some of the stuff. But doing it weekly may have been draining.

 

my brother who has grown step children, didn't get my stress either. Especially since I'm a stay at home mom. HA.

 

any way I feel for you.

[G5052]

This type of thing has been my reality for coming up on ten years now. I've had long-distance eldercare issues, a spouse with significant medical problems, young children, and a part-time professional career. My mother died last year and I got a break from those worries, but I have other long-distance relatives that are getting older and I'm probably going to be involved there too.

 

The reality is that you can't juggle it all perfectly, but you can make decent choices. Call your Area Agency on Aging and find out what resources are available. You also need to think through the next steps because this likely will get more and more complicated. You also need to ask them for recommendations on an eldercare attorney because when you need one, you won't have a lot of time to ask around.

 

Yes, you're interviewing someone to help, but you need to think through the whole picture. My experience was that hiring and keeping caregivers was stressful in itself. My mother was horrible to the ones we got, and none of them lasted more than a few days. When my dad had home health because he was on oxygen and needed weekly bloodwork, she was so horrible to them that they refused to come ever again. Word got out (it is a small town), and in-home care became an impossibility. She ended up in assisted living and then a dementia unit and then hospice within the dementia unit. My dad ended up in a nursing home in hospice care.

 

Some older people with dementia get to the point that they can't stay home. At a certain point family will only extend so far, and you may have to make some hard choices. Don't say "I'll never put her in an institution." You may have to consider that at some point in order to maintain your own health and family ties. We offered to care for mine at one point, and frankly I'm glad that they didn't take us up on it. My mother's dementia became extremely violent and difficult, and she needed professionals who could handle that.

 

And yes, take care of yourself. Get your own medical and dental care. Go to bed and eat right. If you feel yourself slipping, get help.

[ZooRho]

http://www.aplaceformom.com/

This is a place that will help you find place or even help for your mom.

 

There are others that are similar.