If you've adopted through foster care..

[caitlinsmom]

My husband and I have briefly talked about adopting through the system later this year or next. I have been reading a bit here and there and talking with a mom who has done it. I am curious to hear others experiences with it.

 

How was the process for you? Did you feel you were honestly prepared for any challenges the kids had? Did you adopt a single child or sibling pair? What sort of health/behavioral/mental challenges did you have to face? How was the support process throughout? What does the home visit entail? Did you have to show a certain income?

 

Really any information or advice you can pass on would be great. It is something I really want to do and obviously something that DH and I need to discuss more thoroughly. I know many of the questions will depend on circumstance and state but please share as much as you are willing.

 

Thanks.

[mommyagain]

I'm not sure what state you're in, but typically county agencies host informational dinners/meetings where you can ask questions without making any commitment.

 

We've adopted 6 children from foster care. They are 3 sets of sibling groups. The first 2 were adopted 26 yrs ago, then in 2008 we adopted 2 more, then 2 more in 2010. I think you will find as many different experiences as there are children - each one is different. Usually you will fill out a form that lists typical behavioral issues/medical problems you will encounter and you may opt to not accept children that have displayed those issues. However, many issues do not surface until years later. This happened with one of our older children that began to show signs of schizophrenia in his teens. We got him as an infant.

 

As far as finances the only thing we had to show was that we could pay our own bills without the assistance of the foster care stipend. We pretty much live paycheck to paycheck (and always have) and our finances have never been an issue.

 

The home visits were mostly talking to us about our lives, family and friends. Just general information. We had to show that each child would have their own bed (we were allowed up to 4 in 1 room), they asked about water/sewer, we had to pass a fire inspection and all our animals had to be up to date on shots.

 

I would encourage you to go to a meeting, ask every question you can think of, and talk to other foster/adoptive parents that go through that agency.

 

We've had some really difficult times with our older kids. We have some issues with the younger ones now. But I would not give up any of my "babies"!!

 

ETA: I just noticed the ages of your children. I would also advise that you take children the same age or younger than your youngest. Foster kids are typically more "street wise" at an earlier age, and most of them have some type of issues. If nothing else, just being uprooted from the only home they've known will have a powerful impact on them.

Edited May 19, 2012 by mommyagain

[KrissiK]

We adopted all five of our children through foster care. I'll try to answer the questions as best as possible.

1. The process.... was good. We went through our County Agency for our first three, but then things changed and went south. For our last two we went through a private foster agency. Much better. We are also working with another county and they are much better. Counties vary with their philosophy toward keeping kids with the birth parents, size of families, homeschooling, etc.

2. Our first adoption was a sib group - boys, second adoption was a single, third adoption was a sibling group - girls. All children were under three.

3. Preparation? I don't know. We've done fine. My advice, though, is to make sure you do intensive parenting and use common sense. I think being a SAHM and living a very simple, predictable lifestyle has helped in the transition and in overcoming whatever problems these kids may have had.

4. Homevisit - meh! Easy. Just don't volunteer information. Be talkative and open with everything, but don't give MORE information than is asked for.

 

If you have any other questions, feel free to PM me. Visit my blog if you want. I don't blog about adoption specifically, but you can see pics of my oldest kids. The little girls aren't finalized yet, so I can't post pictures of them publicly, but supposedly we'll be finalizing soon!

Good luck!

[East Coast Sue]

This may not be what you want to hear, but I would caution you against pursuing foster care adoption while you are raising young children. Here is why (very briefly and you may PM me if you want more detailed response)...

1. Foster children have experienced trauma. They are may be full of rage, anger, and resentment and it usually does not present itself for at least a year after joining your family. Read on attachment disorders and expect/prepare for that the worst description is a possibility- yet hope and pray for the best outcome.

2. Sometimes, perhaps frequently, the foster child is returned (unexpectedly) to their birth family or other extended family. This would be traumatic for your young kids who will think and feel that the child is part of your family- most especially if adoption is the plan rather than just foster care.

 

Finally, I've experienced opening my home to a child not born to me, and it is a wonderful experience. I wouldn't trade it for anything but I would have waited until my kids were older. It has been hard. Doable but my kids have all experienced more stress, anger, and other issues than they should have dealt with in their childhood.

 

Sue

[deacongirl]

This may not be what you want to hear, but I would caution you against pursuing foster care adoption while you are raising young children. Here is why (very briefly and you may PM me if you want more detailed response)...

1. Foster children have experienced trauma. They are may be full of rage, anger, and resentment and it usually does not present itself for at least a year after joining your family. Read on attachment disorders and expect/prepare for that the worst description is a possibility- yet hope and pray for the best outcome.

2. Sometimes, perhaps frequently, the foster child is returned (unexpectedly) to their birth family or other extended family. This would be traumatic for your young kids who will think and feel that the child is part of your family- most especially if adoption is the plan rather than just foster care.

 

Finally, I've experienced opening my home to a child not born to me, and it is a wonderful experience. I wouldn't trade it for anything but I would have waited until my kids were older. It has been hard. Doable but my kids have all experienced more stress, anger, and other issues than they should have dealt with in their childhood.

 

Sue

 

I agree with this. At a minimum I would maintain birth order.

[Pamela H in Texas]

sorry...had to edit.

Edited May 24, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[Pamela H in Texas]

Another website: http://looneytunes09.wordpress.com/helpful-tips-for-foster-parents-and-trainers/

 

I linked a specific page, but there are plenty others as well as the regular blog.

Let me warn you that this young woman's language is *very* colorful.

The pictures can be disturbing also so read without your children around :)

She does have good information though.

[Julie in Austin]

Professionals in the field will tell you that you should only foster kids younger than yours.

 

Having been a foster parent (briefly), I will suggest you that you should only foster kids at least 5 years younger than yours. It is entirely possible that social workers will either not tell you about or not know about violent/sexual tendencies that the children have, and you should not put your bio kids at risk.

[caitlinsmom]

Thank you all. You've given me somethings to think about. A couple more questions.

 

1. I haven't seen mention of a stiepend on my states site. Is this to cover things like counseling and meds if they are needed?

 

2. We are self employed so medical benefits are not something we have access to at this point. Do these kids qualify for state benefits for at least a short period after adoption? (Insurance is something we are working on right now but it is something that will take time with our employment situation)

 

3. How often are younger children available (less than 2) to adopt? I had always assumed we would have to adopt older children, which we are totally okay with as long as it was a good fit for everyone.

 

4. I haven't seen anything about cost on our website. Are the costs split between us and the state?

 

Thank you all for the information. I don't want to go into this blind. I will look into the free information meeting someone above mentioned.

[caitlinsmom]

It is entirely possible that social workers will either not tell you about or not know about violent/sexual tendencies that the children have, and you should not put your bio kids at risk.

 

This is my biggest fear with the whole thing. In fact if we don't do it, this will be the exact reason. Knowing the type of issues that come from sexual abuse I will not put my kids at risk.

[Pamela H in Texas]

1. I haven't seen mention of a stiepend on my states site. Is this to cover things like counseling and meds if they are needed?

 

It is a set amount (per day, usually) to cover whatever you need to cover from housing, increased utilities, food, gas to appointments (though some places pay extra for that), sports, etc. Counseling and meds are covered by Medicaid. WIC will cover kids under 5 also.

 

2. We are self employed so medical benefits are not something we have access to at this point. Do these kids qualify for state benefits for at least a short period after adoption? (Insurance is something we are working on right now but it is something that will take time with our employment situation)

 

I don't know about every state, but here they get state care if they are foster children or they are a special needs adoption. In fact, my state will pay the whole family's PRIVATE health insurance if you have medicaid secondary. I guess it is cheaper that way.

 

3. How often are younger children available (less than 2) to adopt? I had always assumed we would have to adopt older children, which we are totally okay with as long as it was a good fit for everyone.

 

Regularly, but they *very* regularly stay with their foster parents. But also, every situation is different. I know a family who have fostered for five years and have only been able to adopt one child. And then there are families who have adopted in 5 in less than two years. It just depends.

 

4. I haven't seen anything about cost on our website. Are the costs split between us and the state?

 

Costs of ____? We had to pay for certain things: FBI checks (but agency paid local), the yearly fire/health inspections ($70...the rest are done by our agency), things needed for the home (beds, fire extinguisher, safety devices), TB tests and physicals.

Edited May 24, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[deacongirl]

Thank you all. You've given me somethings to think about. A couple more questions.

 

1. I haven't seen mention of a stiepend on my states site. Is this to cover things like counseling and meds if they are needed?

 

2. We are self employed so medical benefits are not something we have access to at this point. Do these kids qualify for state benefits for at least a short period after adoption? (Insurance is something we are working on right now but it is something that will take time with our employment situation)

 

3. How often are younger children available (less than 2) to adopt? I had always assumed we would have to adopt older children, which we are totally okay with as long as it was a good fit for everyone.

 

4. I haven't seen anything about cost on our website. Are the costs split between us and the state?

 

Thank you all for the information. I don't want to go into this blind. I will look into the free information meeting someone above mentioned.

There is no way to know it will be a good fit in advance. You may likely not know about abuse the children have experienced. For these reasons it is suggested to wait until your youngest bio kid is older and to maintain birth order. (i.e. not adopt any kids older than the kids already in the home)

[MotherMayI]

I'm typing this on my phone so I will be brief. We adopted our youngest through foster care. We had an amazing experience-we were hoping for a dd 3 or younger. On the day our license came through I got THE call. I picked up my 1 day old dd from the hospital. Parental rights were terminated at @ 4 months and adoption was finalized at 8 months (results not typical!). You can pm me if you have more questions:-).

Edited May 20, 2012 by MotherMayI

[happyhomemaker25]

Our process was long and tedious. Our state was privatizing and our paperwork got lost so it turned out to be about 2 years before we got our license. I hated hearing all the commercials on the radio about how badly foster parents were needed. We'd just bought our house and it was empty and I just wanted some kids to fill it up.

LOL, I was totally naive going in. We did not set out for foster to adopt though we knew if any of our kids became available we would adopt. The day after we got our license they called me for a 6m old baby girl. I was ecstatic. When the 13m old little boy ran into my house that evening I was baffled. Thus was my entry into the foster care world. We ended up adopting that little boy about two years later and his little brother who was born 4m before our adoption was finalized. We also ended up with a sibling group of 3 girls. We sent 4 kids home and kept 5 during our 2 years of foster care. Unfortunately all the kids that went home ended up back and care and believe me if we would have had the room they would all be with me now.

About a year after our adoption I diagnosed my oldest with Reactive Attachment Disorder. It was later confirmed, unofficially(but that's another long story:glare:). She'd been in care for over 4 years but there was no mention anywhere of attachment issues. There was plenty of time for them to find out I just think it was "overlooked". It's been a tough road, but I am thrilled to say that I think this year we have experienced healing. Please make sure you familiarize yourself with attachment issues though. A lot of kids in foster care have some sort of attachment issue.

We said we would not foster again until our youngest son was five and then it would only be 3 and younger. When my youngest son was 4 we ended up getting pregnant and she'll be two next month so we have a while before we can even consider it again.

Some states have a limit on how many kids you can have in your home. They were going to make an exception for us because we ran a good home and they knew it, but we decided to close our home after adoption to give the kids some time. Good thing too because there is no way I could have fostered through RAD. :lol: (That's me laughing hysterically at the thought!!)

We do have dreams of one day being able to take in older kids. I don't know how feasible the dreams are because frankly, my oldest took a lot of my ooopmh.

We have a subsidy that we still get actually. I heard recently in my state, I don't know if it's true though, that it is a lot harder to get the adoption subsidy now. Our kids are also eligible for state health insurance and free in state public college tuition. They say they are eligible for therapy and stuff after the adoption, BUT if you don't have documentation for needed therapy before the adoption is closed it's harder than heck to go back and get it after the adoption. Ask me how I know! :glare:

We paid nothing for our adoption. We were even reimbursed for our adoption fingerprinting and background check. We had to pay for the ones we did to foster. The hardest part was waiting for termination of parental rights. It took forever! I understand why they have to be thorough, but ,good night, these parents weren't doing anything to get the kids back, NOTHING and it still took forever. Foster to adopt kids are supposed to already have that done, but it was a year for my girls and they were foster to adopt.

Above all you HAVE TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!! I promise if my husband and I had not found ways to laugh at it all we would have lost. our. minds.

It's not funny when a child hoardes food in the bedroom. But you laugh when you find the places they've hidden it and what they've hidden. It's not funny when the Bio mom misses the fifth court date they rescheduled for her. You have to laugh though when the CW says she called and said she was sick and the judge very sarcastically says, "Make sure we send her a get well card!" It's not funny when they call you at midnight desperate for someone to just give a 2 year old a place to sleep tonight. You have to laugh though when that over night kid is still there 3m later. (I still miss that little guy!)

Most foster parents I have met over the years have been able to laugh at the weirdest stuff. Stuff that would have horrified you at one time.

It was the greatest and worst experience of my life. There are times when I would do it again in a heartbeat. There are other times when I think I made a huge mistake doing it to begin with (that's more from dealing with the attachment issues though). I would encourage you to continue to think about it and maybe wait until your youngest is a little older. You could maybe even take some of the classes now. I know that in our group there was a couple taking the class but they wanted to wait 2 years. There are open houses and stuff, but beware that some I have been to just want to melt your heart and pull you in. Stay strong! Foster parenting will not just affect you and your husband your whole family will be impacted by it. Sit down with your older kids and talk to them about it. My kids would love to have foster kids again. They all talk about fostering when they are older. I would never do it if they had any doubts though. It's a big commitment! There is a huge need, but your family needs to come first! There are other ways to help out right now while you wait. I would encourage you to look into that as well. Good luck!! :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

edited

Edited May 24, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[ZooRho]

This may not be what you want to hear, but I would caution you against pursuing foster care adoption while you are raising young children. Here is why (very briefly and you may PM me if you want more detailed response)...

1. Foster children have experienced trauma. They are may be full of rage, anger, and resentment and it usually does not present itself for at least a year after joining your family. Read on attachment disorders and expect/prepare for that the worst description is a possibility- yet hope and pray for the best outcome.

2. Sometimes, perhaps frequently, the foster child is returned (unexpectedly) to their birth family or other extended family. This would be traumatic for your young kids who will think and feel that the child is part of your family- most especially if adoption is the plan rather than just foster care.

 

Finally, I've experienced opening my home to a child not born to me, and it is a wonderful experience. I wouldn't trade it for anything but I would have waited until my kids were older. It has been hard. Doable but my kids have all experienced more stress, anger, and other issues than they should have dealt with in their childhood.

 

Sue

 

Totally said what I would have said.

 

keep birth order and wait till the youngest is much older

[Tap]

After dealing with dd5 all day....I say 'don't do it'. LOL Ask again on a good day. LOL :lol::lol:

[Perogi]

Professionals in the field will tell you that you should only foster kids younger than yours.

 

Having been a foster parent (briefly), I will suggest you that you should only foster kids at least 5 years younger than yours. It is entirely possible that social workers will either not tell you about or not know about violent/sexual tendencies that the children have, and you should not put your bio kids at risk.

 

:iagree:

 

We haven't adopted but we do foster. We started when ds was 2, just taking infants. We fostered then for about a year and a half and then we moved and ended up with about a year and a half that we weren't fostering while we moved and got our approval here in our new town. Ds is now 5 and we've just gotten back into it, still just taking infants, and my new advice is not to do it until your youngest is 5 or older. It is making a world of difference. It is NOT like having your own - ther are appts and workers and documentation and different issues that make things much more intense than just having another baby of your own.

[KrissiK]

Thank you all. You've given me somethings to think about. A couple more questions.

 

 

 

3. How often are younger children available (less than 2) to adopt? I had always assumed we would have to adopt older children, which we are totally okay with as long as it was a good fit for everyone.

 

 

Yes, but you will have to wait. And I would recommend that you do wait for them to become available. For our first adoption we waited 3 weeks after our homestudy was complete and got a sib group age 13 mo. and 4 mo. Our second adoption we waited 6 months, got a newborn girl. Our third adoption we waited 4 years and got 2 1/2 year old girl and 10 month old girl. The sad thing is, the younger the child, the better off you (and they) will be, but there are so many older kids in the system that do need good homes. The older they are the more baggage they have and the more ingrained all their defense mechanisms are.

[KrissiK]

:iagree:

 

It is NOT like having your own - ther are appts and workers and documentation and different issues that make things much more intense than just having another baby of your own.

 

:iagree: This is true. Every doctor's appt. there is a load of paperwork to fill out. We have social workers in our home all the time. You do become hyper-sensitive because it seems like you're really being scrutinized and feel like you have to explain every single little cut and scrape that appears on the kid. But, if you go into it with the intent to adopt the you can tell yourself it'll be over eventually.

[LostSurprise]

My very, very good friend has done this. Our children play and I've know them from the beginning.

 

*Her children were grown when she started.

 

*She was checked and licensed by the state, the same as a foster parent.

 

*The children receive special state insurance, similar to kids in the foster system.

 

*She chose to adopt only. That is, she and her husband adopted children in the foster care system without fostering. They would get a call saying 'we have a sibling group, these ages, these genders, do you want to meet?' Then they would meet a few times with the child/ren, an hour or two each time. If all the paperwork was ready to move forward (the birth parents were still interested in terminating rights or the foster parents did not want to adopt) they would be asked if they wanted the child/ren. There was not a lot of time to get to know each other.

 

*She chose to adopt young children with special needs. She has a medical and education background.

 

*Often (usually) the case worker has no idea what the child is like. They meet them for an hour at a time in special situations. Often they rely on the testimony of birth parents or foster parents. No matter what, the story is always skewed toward what those people think. This may mean covering things up (ignorantly or purposely) or it could mean mis-understanding the child.

 

*She adopted 2 children. Both were adopted singly, even though my friend was open to sibling groups. Both were toddlers but not babies. She adopted one, was told he had extensive physical and mental disabilities, through interaction found them to be greatly exaggerated (his foster family may have neglected him which caused his problems, he may have feared them), helped him gain physical strength and attach to his new home, then she adopted a second little girl who has a physical disability.

 

*What happened in the past, even if they were tiny, matters. My friend's second child is a re-adoption. She was adopted as a baby by a family who couldn't handle her medical needs. It has been hard for this little girl. It has been hard for my friend. The little girl has obvious fears of abandonment. Even if the child does not have RAD, there are emotional consequences to being abandoned or passed around. A child who has had so little attention can find ways to suck all of the attention you have to offer. They may hyper-attach to you and be fearful of your husband or jealous of your other children. They may not age emotionally at the same rate as they age physically.

 

Despite these warnings, I consider both of these adoptions to be successful. Little boy is strong, empathetic, and very intelligent (blooming under my friends structure and love). Little girl is brave, funny, and bright. She does still take a lot of time, and needs a lot of structure for her emotions, but I think she's starting to realize that this Mommy is not going away.

Edited May 21, 2012 by LostSurprise