Help me deal with what I think is normal kid behavior

[Aspasia]

My dd (almost 5) is going through this thing where everything is about competition, comparison, and possession. She always has to be first, get the most, have the biggest, etc.

 

As an adult, I find this terribly irritating and off-putting. I mean, can you imagine hanging around with someone like that? But I do realize that she's really little and the whole idea of comparisons and competition is pretty new to her. It's natural to want the best, right?

 

But how do I deal with it? I'm always irritated by it and I don't want to just let it go. I mean, just because a behavior is normal doesn't mean we shouldn't teach proper behavior in response, right? I just don't know how to handle it.

 

Other irritating behaviors that I think might be normal for the age but I'm not really interested in tolerating: bossiness (from her and her friends), demanding things from me (dd USED to be so polite), and last but not least--crying about EVERYTHING. The crying thing, I don't know if it's normal for an almost-5-year-old. She does it even when she's playing outside with the neighbor kids and I never see any of the rest of them do it. It seems like she's PMS'ing. Drives me batty.

 

Can you tell this poor child is my oldest? I feel so bad for her. By the time our youngest kid gets to this age I will hopefully be used to normal kid behavior, but this one just gets my irritation all the time. Please help me! (And dd!)

[misslissa]

She's probably just testing her boundaries.

Behavior rehearsal is a good technique. If she does something that you define as not acceptable, help her identify what she did wrong and give her a better solution. Then give her a chance to do a re-do.

She may not have the skills to know when she's bragging...she might be just testing her self-esteem. When she brags, give her an alternative that helps her celebrate her success without being obnoxious.

Same thing with mouthiness. The rule in our house is that you can say anything as long as it's with respect (tone, language, and body language). We often have to repeat it practicing having respectful everything.

Hope that helps!

P.S. You're definitely not alone.

[Mommyof4ks]

Age 5 was when I figured out why parents send their kids to school, so they will live. :tongue_smilie: 5 was a hard age for all of my kids. The bossiness and demanding was met with me saying things like, 'when you can speak kindly, then we will talk.' it did not come quickly, but it did work with my dd. She does not have a competitive bone in her body though, so I do wonder how she plans to get a job and such as an adult. My boys are the opposite, not bossy or demanding, but very competitive. I have tried doing team building activities, but so far that has not worked. I am looking forward to hearing more about competitive kids and how to channel that for good in the early years. Sports made it worse.

[Farrar]

Well, you're right that it's totally normal. Some kids get it worse than others, but mine went through that at exactly that same age.

 

For us, I was really tempted to avoid it as much as I could by playing only cooperative games, totally taking the competition out of everything possible, letting each kid (I have twins) win some different element or tie at everything, etc. And we did do some of that. But I also just steeled myself to push through it and let them have those experiences of losing and winning and help coach them through it. It *is* a stage. At least with my kids, they mostly grew out of it. Competition can still be pesky for them, but it's not like it was at that age where they wanted everything to be a race and to be judged on absolutely every little thing or to descend into tears whenever they lost at a board game or the like. It's more subtle as they grow up and they're at least a bit more nuanced about it and a bit more emotionally able to talk about it and deal with it.

 

We did a lot of things to practice being a good winner - shaking hands and saying "good game" after every board game, for example. And I gave a lot of positive attention to those moments when they were gracious winners. Then, on the flip side, we talked a lot about being a good loser too. And I gave a lot of positive attention to when they were being good losers - especially when they were angry or sad that they lost, but didn't pitch a fit over it, I tried to be extra good at listening and sympathetic to reinforce that that's positive behavior and good coping. The crying can be annoying. I won't lie - we had many "I lost!" tantrums at that age. I mostly just gave a hug, comiserated for a moment and talked about how the emotions were normal, then insisted that they either move on or be removed from the space and the rest of us to be alone until they could be in control - which is pretty much how I dealt with tantrums in general.

 

Good luck finding your path to deal with it.

[Farrar]

I have tried doing team building activities, but so far that has not worked. I am looking forward to hearing more about competitive kids and how to channel that for good in the early years. Sports made it worse.

 

I'll add that for us, Destination Imagination helped a lot with this attitude. It's team building, but with a purpose. It's non-competitive in the K-2 years. Odyssey of the Mind is a similar organization.

[BlsdMama]

Totally normal and completely irritating because it isn't acceptable behaviour. You know adults like this I am certain. :glare:

 

As she is a child it is our job to only recognize it, point it out, teach correct behaviour, then put in place the proper technique to enforce good habits. Train, train, train. :)

 

Competitiveness - The other person wins if it is inappropriate competitiveness. (I'm all for a HIGHLY competitive board game, lol.) In other words, if a child insists on being first, they are made to be last. If they insist theirs is the bigger, better piece of pie, they are told to be generous and switch with the other person until they learn that being like that is not to their benefit.

 

I have been known to purposefully set my child up by giving them less to see if they will complain. If they don't I give them more. If they do, I give them less.

 

For crying, it's fine. They should be allowed to cry appropriately. If it's loud to garner attention they should put a hand over their mouth and be told that crying when hurt or sad is okay as long as it isn't to be the center of attention. If it's a discipline issue it's treated as such. :)

 

In other words, your child is doing something that she believes benefits her. When it actually stops benefiting her and actually causes her inconvenience, given that she is probably actually quite bright, she will stop doing things that end up causing her trouble. :)

[SKL]

Yep, both of my kids are 5. I got so irritated with the constant comparing, I started consequencing it. Now I just have to say "are you comparing?" and it stops. Sometimes, though, they will say up-front: "I'm not comparing, but I noticed that she got a red one and I got a yellow one . . . ." LOL. At least they are no longer constantly demanding that I make everything exactly equal. (Though they may be keeping a mental list of these injustices as material for their "I have the worst mother" novel.)

[SonshineLearner]

I remember a story from VBS that must have made an impression, since it's been over 30 years since I heard it. A little boy was always selfish, and so his mom and grandma set out to show him how predictably and selfish he was. Everything that was "the biggest" was rotten for that holiday. (Thanksgiving?) And so he would grab the biggest apple... etc... and inside it was rotten. Sometimes.... in the right moment, a story about good/bad character can help :)

[Aspasia]

This is really helpful. I've been debating whether or not to issue consequences for this competition/comparison issue. Like pp said, if we're in a competitive context, like a game, we certainly allow joy over winning and we also have taught dd to high five the winner whenever she loses. We all celebrate the winner together. It's the competitiveness in normal, everyday stuff (like who walks through a door first!) that is getting on my nerves.

 

Some of these suggestions are great, though. I like the idea of that story and the rule of giving her the smallest portion if she insists on the largest (this happens about 20 times a day).

 

Thanks, ladies!

[GingerPoppy]

I remember a story from VBS that must have made an impression, since it's been over 30 years since I heard it. A little boy was always selfish, and so his mom and grandma set out to show him how predictably and selfish he was. Everything that was "the biggest" was rotten for that holiday. (Thanksgiving?) And so he would grab the biggest apple... etc... and inside it was rotten. Sometimes.... in the right moment, a story about good/bad character can help :)

 

Oh my goodness, I remember that exact story! It was in one of those big story collections, and each of them had a strong moral point. My dentist's office had that book. And THAT was my favourite story of all!

[rwjx2khsmj]

This book is one that we read, the kids loved and still remember. "Pinkerton" is a code word at our house and everyone knows exactly what it means. The book is just the right mix of fun and serious to get the point across that first is not always best. Being a graceful second or third is a tough lesson but having a code word makes it a bit easier to deal with in public situations.

[Briartell]

One of my children who does the biggest bit was out in charge of cutting things up and letting others choose first. If they rush to pick first, I always add a little extra to someone else's and I let them see me do that. My dc no longer rushes to be first anymore because of that.

 

As for crying, give the child three tickets. If tears are used because of not getting their way, a ticket is pulled. If you pull all three, the child is given dinner and sent to bed early. After a while you can reduce it to two tickets each day. Or you can reward the child if all three tickets have not been pulled. Don't make the reward daily, make her earn five days or no ticket pulling to go to a prize box. Do this until the behavior is mostly gone. In the future, you can have a big celebration when she/he doesn't need the ticket system anymore.

Edited April 8, 2012 by Briartell

[clarkacademy]

These are all good! I am going to use them for my eleven year old son!!

[kwg]

This book is one that we read, the kids loved and still remember. "Pinkerton" is a code word at our house and everyone knows exactly what it means. The book is just the right mix of fun and serious to get the point across that first is not always best. Being a graceful second or third is a tough lesson but having a code word makes it a bit easier to deal with in public situations.

 

:iagree: We love that book!

[eternalknot]

My daughter is six, and we're just now coming out of that tunnel you describe. Yes, it's irritating and off-putting and challenging to be around!

 

Competitions. This we had to just address on a case-by-case thing. First I had to bite my tongue and count to ten so I didn't blow a gasket. Then, upon finding my happy place, we'd break it down like a real lesson. FWIW I do believe in winning and healthy competition. I thrive on it, myself ;). I'm not a fan of participation trophies and recognizing mediocrity, so I do get where DD is coming from. The lesson, though, is to gauge when the win is important and when the win isn't. That'll take practice and maturity; remembering so makes it easier for me to handle in the thick of things.

 

When is the win important? Um, you're on a sports field and not walking alongside me to the car. On the soccer field it's okay to push someone aside to win the ball. On our driveway it's not okay to push me aside to win a race to the car. Especially if I don't even know we're racing until you shout it as you push me aside to beat me to the car LOL. (Just one example.)

 

When is the win not as important? Well, when not everyone is interested or even aware that a competition/race is on. If the stakes aren't fair going into it (say, if DD6 beats DD3 at a foot race OR if I beat DD6 at a tennis game). <-- to that end, the lesson segues into one on sportsmanship. Winning feels good. Don't even try to deny her that, because it does! But the kids have to be taught to differentiate between types of wins. If I beat her at a tennis match, sure I win but it's not nearly as satisfying as if I beat Serena Williams - right? Find a way to illustrate that into something she can relate to, and know that -again- for her it'll come with practice and maturity.

 

Also, however good a win feels, it shouldn't trump a relationship. IMO this sets the stage for downline relationships and friendships. We've all known people who will fight so hard to be right, or to get that final word in, or to rub in a win over us ... and we think: What jerks! Because they're acting like jerks. Or, if it was us, we were being a jerk. So that she wins is great, but at what cost did it come? Knocking the library books from my hand as she pushed past me to beat me to the car ... worth it? Not really. All you win, kid, is an annoyed mommy and you're smarter than that LOL. (I've said exactly that many a time!)

 

Long answer short, you deal with it by recognizing it for what it is (and what it isn't). It isn't her intentionally being a butt. You can tell from your post that you already know that. What it is? Your opportunity to teach her the life and social skills that aren't innate, but must be taught and practiced.

 

The bossiness will work itself out. The pecking order will change from peer group to peer group. If peers are limited or if she's assuming the same role in all of her peer groups, you address it as you did the competition above. Discussion, role-playing, real-life examples, and practice. And waiting for maturity LOL.

[MidwesternMom]

One of my DC had more problems with competitiveness than the others--his immediate reaction was to always want to be first, take the biggest piece, etc., where my other kids were either not like that at all or only very mildly and in more joking way. With this one child, though, it was a constant stream of "Last one in is a rotten egg!" or "Me first!" or tears because someone else got more than him.

 

We used the reminder "Whoever would be first shall be last" and anyone who grabs, jumps to the front of the line, rushes past me to run through a door, etc. gets sent to "last" place.

 

That worked to put the brakes on his knee-jerk reaction to always want to be first.

 

We also used Goofus and Gallant-style (remember them from the old Highlights magazine?) examples to educate him about how to be polite and give the other person the bigger piece, etc. Once he grasped that it was "more noble" to be the person who let others have more/be first, etc. he took pride in doing that. Most of the time ;)

[Guest felders]

She's probably just testing her boundaries.

Behavior rehearsal is a good technique. If she does something that you define as not acceptable, help her identify what she did wrong and give her a better solution. Then give her a chance to do a re-do.

She may not have the skills to know when she's bragging...she might be just testing her self-esteem. When she brags, give her an alternative that helps her celebrate her success without being obnoxious.

Same thing with mouthiness. The rule in our house is that you can say anything as long as it's with respect (tone, language, and body language). We often have to repeat it practicing having respectful everything.

Hope that helps!

P.S. You're definitely not alone.

 

Been there as well and it's definitely normal for a kid that age to be bossy and be competitive all the time. Positive parenting does help; the character stories and the constant explanations about what behavior is acceptable, practice and consistency of rules are usually what works for me. I hope it does wonders for you too. This stage definitely shall pass, don't burn yourself up.