Have you had a child prone to sneaking things?

[Mandylubug]

My oldest son just seems to recurrently sneak stuff. It may be just sneaking in my clothes drawers for gum or hidden candy or the pantry for snacks. It could even be toys from grandparents or aunts and uncle's houses.. It doesn't seem to matter what the punishments are; months will go by and BOOM he has snuck something again.

 

Is this common for a 9 year old? Is this common for a child with ADHD? I get on to him, discuss my disappointment, take away games/tv/ds/playdates for a set amount of time but it always comes back and he always says he "just didn't think" but he thought enough to slip it in his pocket when no one was looking and hide it from me so it isn't fully "un thought of".

 

I am at my wits end. I feel like a parental failure. I have fears that he will be a defiant, stealing, in trouble teenager. I have held back having him formally diagnosed with ADHD because I don't want to medicate. But I keep thinking what if I am doing him an injustice by not having him tested for some form of disorder? What if all that is required to make him function normal is a neuro test and medication? What if I don't do anything more than typical parental punishments and he ends up in jail as an adult? Maybe I am just paranoid :/ My husband says he needs strict punishment. What strict punishment he is referring to? IDK...

[Firestar Academy]

Not a child of my own, but a friend's daughter does this. she refuses to eat most anything, then sneaks chocolate (or money to buy chocolate).

 

it is so bad, the dr wants to put her in the hospital on a feeding tube.

 

Robin

[AmyontheFarm]

This is what we did, I made my child have to purchase a new bag of candy, even if he just took one piece. He's had to replace an entire case of pop, because he took just one can. Financially, it hurt him because he wanted a toy and he almost had the money saved up.

[Mandylubug]

I guess, I am not more concerned with the food sneaking. He eats good at dinner and I do remember sneaking extra cookies as a kid. I think that is normal.

 

The rummaging through drawers.. that bothers me. The most recent thing that bothers me the most to complete disappointment is over a month ago, we went to my SIL house so that I could borrow a book. While there, obviously, he took a ds game from his cousin's ds and put it in his pocket. I found it today in the wash. Naturally, now he feels guilty but he didn't. When I asked him about it, he admits he took it because he wanted to play it. He also admits he waiting for his cousin to leave the room before he took it. Therefore, he KNEW he was stealing it. It wasn't an impulsive snag and go behavior but a thought out process...

[Shawndrese]

My 4yr old does the same thing and its been a real concern of mine. I'm hoping because he's still young, it will be something he grows out of, but it still worries me. When he's taken things from other peoples houses I, of course, make him give it back and apologize, but I'm not sure how much of it sinks in. You know? Punishing him with time outs and going to his room just doesn't work! I've been trying to work on making him feel bad about disappointing me and that seems to be helping the most. I sit him down and tell him how much I love him and what a good boy he is, and then how upset it makes me when he does these things. I'm not really sure what else to do. Wish I could be of more help!

Also, try not to feel like a failure! Your doing everything you know to stop and correct this behavior. Its not like your turning a blind eye to the problem and letting him get away with it. :001_smile:

I'll be watching to see what others have to say too :bigear:

[Mandylubug]

My 4yr old does the same thing and its been a real concern of mine. I'm hoping because he's still young, it will be something he grows out of, but it still worries me. When he's taken things from other peoples houses I, of course, make him give it back and apologize, but I'm not sure how much of it sinks in. You know? Punishing him with time outs and going to his room just doesn't work! I've been trying to work on making him feel bad about disappointing me and that seems to be helping the most. I sit him down and tell him how much I love him and what a good boy he is, and then how upset it makes me when he does these things. I'm not really sure what else to do. Wish I could be of more help!

Also, try not to feel like a failure! Your doing everything you know to stop and correct this behavior. Its not like your turning a blind eye to the problem and letting him get away with it. :001_smile:

I'll be watching to see what others have to say too :bigear:

 

Thank you for your encouraging words. I would think your four year old is still a bit young to be too concerned :)

[walkermamaof4]

My adhd son does this. He was adopted and I thought it stemmed more from his background in an orphanage, but maybe not. it is so sad and yet frustrating. He goes through siblings' dressers to find their candy stash from Christmas or Easter. He gets plenty to eat and enough treats.

[Anne]

For the most recent episode, I would have him write a letter of apology to both your sil and his cousin. Then I would have him deliver the notes and apologize in person.

 

Does he struggle with impulse control in other areas (I mean, of course, more than any other 9 yo boy??:lol:)

 

If he does, then maybe you might want to pursue some other ADHD/ADD diagnoses, techniques, etc.

 

If he doesn't, then maybe there's a heart issue that needs to be addressed. If your family is Christian, a daily dose of Proverbs (read as a family, NOT as a punishment for your son) may help.

 

:grouphug:

Anne

[Mandylubug]

For the most recent episode, I would have him write a letter of apology to both your sil and his cousin. Then I would have him deliver the notes and apologize in person.

 

Does he struggle with impulse control in other areas (I mean, of course, more than any other 9 yo boy??:lol:)

 

If he does, then maybe you might want to pursue some other ADHD/ADD diagnoses, techniques, etc.

 

If he doesn't, then maybe there's a heart issue that needs to be addressed. If your family is Christian, a daily dose of Proverbs (read as a family, NOT as a punishment for your son) may help.

 

:grouphug:

Anne

 

Thank you! He is a good boy. He does have impulse control issues. He does have a short fuse and can scream at the top of his lungs at his siblings but then he always grimaces like it just escaped him and apologizes. He can be very happy and next minute aggressive and defensive as to WHY he was so aggressive. Other times he is a love leech, curled up to me all lovey and happy and on top of the world.

 

We are a Christian family and he is starting to be spiritually led. I am praying for his (and all of my children's salvation) and I see that God is working on his little heart right now. I would not say he is a malicious boy. He has a conscience and wishes no harm to anyone. This is where me and my husband disagree, though.

 

He sees need for more discipline and thinks it a heart/will issue. I see it as impulsive behavior and potentially the symptom of a bigger issue than just bad behavior.

[Mandylubug]

Oh, and on the punishment note. I understand the note idea. I also understand reputations. My BIL is not a forgiving individual and even though he would play it off to our face that it was "no big deal" I just know as soon as they find out about this little episode that it will be spread. His boys won't be calling for him to spend the night, etc. and with my kids being homeschooled I feel they need their cousins. Now, I did notify my SIL the game was here and I would return it to her. I never told her HOW it was here being that her son has loaned games to my son in the past. I understand also the cost of actions and consequences but I am not sold that this behavior is a behavior stemming from just his "character" and behavior but I am beginning to wonder if it is disorder led that can be treated in someway? I would hate this action to label him for life! He is such a warm-hearted good kid.

[CalicoKat]

My oldest son just seems to recurrently sneak stuff. It may be just sneaking in my clothes drawers for gum or hidden candy or the pantry for snacks. It could even be toys from grandparents or aunts and uncle's houses.. It doesn't seem to matter what the punishments are; months will go by and BOOM he has snuck something again.

 

Is this common for a 9 year old? Is this common for a child with ADHD? I get on to him, discuss my disappointment, take away games/tv/ds/playdates for a set amount of time but it always comes back and he always says he "just didn't think" but he thought enough to slip it in his pocket when no one was looking and hide it from me so it isn't fully "un thought of".

 

I am at my wits end. I feel like a parental failure. I have fears that he will be a defiant, stealing, in trouble teenager. I have held back having him formally diagnosed with ADHD because I don't want to medicate. But I keep thinking what if I am doing him an injustice by not having him tested for some form of disorder? What if all that is required to make him function normal is a neuro test and medication? What if I don't do anything more than typical parental punishments and he ends up in jail as an adult? Maybe I am just paranoid :/ My husband says he needs strict punishment. What strict punishment he is referring to? IDK...

We have struggled for years with this. It came to a head when she started taking money from my purse.

 

Bottom line: We don't leave her alone home at any time for any reason. She has to come along with all the younger kids always. Also, no play dates at friends homes or birthday parties. Nothing that would put her in a position to have to make a choice.

 

Perhaps maturity is on her side this time, she's getting it. It helps that the next child in age in our home has earned the ability to be left home alone for those short errand trips instead of tagging along. She's lost a couple friends at church because she can't go for play dates---I don't tell the reason why, but if her friends ask I tell them to ask her.

 

Maybe a bit harsh. But I'd rather she learn how to be a bit more honest.

[swellmomma]

Yes. It has gotten to the point that I am considering putting chains and padlocks on pantry, fridge and freezer doors to prevent the food stealing. The rest won't be dealt with by that but maybe the food and treats will last longer than an hour here. Making him replace what he has taken, punishing him by selling his things to earn the money to replace stolen items, grounding, loss of punishment etc have not worked. It started just with food as a small child and primarily is still that, but he also steals money and other items that are not his along with snooping through people's things (xmas is a nightmare because he snoops until he finds gifts whether they are for him or not and opens the packages etc. He has managed to even break a few things over the years that were slated as xmas gifts to his siblings before xmas even arrived. I generally hide that sort of stuff at my parent's place to avoid it. He has eaten slices of birthday cake BEFORE the birthday of his siblings. So I have had to stop decorating cakes the way I used to. I had to make them the day before because it would take hours to decorate them and he would get up in the night and eat 1/2 of it ruining it for the birthday child. SO now it is plain cakes/cupcakes so I can whip up another batch if needed before the celebration for the birthday child. He doesn't care what the consequences are as long as in the moment he gets what he wants. He nearly got expelled in grade 1 from public school because 3 times the teacher bought a chocolate advent calendar for the class (24 kids in the class so everyone was supposed to get 1 chocolate over the month). He kept sneaking back into the school during recess and eating the entire thing. He got caught 3 times before the teacher left the 4th calendar in the prinicpals office and each day the child receiving the chocolate had to get it. DS ended up with detention for 2 weeks over that and I ended up in a conference stated that if he was caught stealing again he would be kicked out of the school.

 

For years I thought it was strictly his impulse issues and they certainly do play a part in it, but now that he is older I see it as a deeper issue. There is a firm sense of entitlement. The sneaking, snooping, stealing are part of that. WHat ds wants, ds gets whether anyone gives it to him or not. When asking, whining, pouting etc don't work, he simply takes what he wants.

 

You are right to address it now before it gets worse but I have no concrete ways to suggest on how to stop the behaviour.

 

If I ever figure out these things I can make a ton of money writing about it for other parents of difficult kids.

 

ETA: The behaviours were initially considered part of the ADHD, but as he got worse with it along with a few of his other behaviours it is part of what led to his Dx of Conduct Disorder. Definitely nip it now before you are facing that one with your kid.

[kewb]

I was a sneak when I was a child. I would sneak food. I would sneak things out of my sisters room, and my parents room. I was also a snoop. My parents did catch me and I would be punished. Didn't change a thing. Oh sure, I felt bad when I got caught but I still did it. I can't tell you when I stopped but I was probably around 12. Well, I still sneak food. I am a horrible closet eater. But I did stop taking my sisters stuff. I did not turn out to be an untrustworthy, career shoplifter. I can't even tell you why I did it. I am the youngest so I was probably after some kind of attention.

 

My dd is just like me. She has to return what she has taken. She knows she is the reason we no longer keep ice cream in the house. I am hopeful that she too will stop as she matures.

[Carrie12345]

Both of my daughters had this issue for several years. It still happens from time to time, but it's been a huge improvement from about 2 years ago. I'm too embarrassed to write even a partial list (and too tired to take the time to type it!)

 

At 9, with no signs of stopping, I would talk to a professional. I probably should have myself.

[SailorMom]

I don't think it has anything to do with add or adhd. I wouldn't be tempted to lump it in with that. I have a son - completely normal in every other way - who had a hard time with that until he was about 13. Ug.

I also know many kids diagnosed with add or adhd who have never had this problem.

I'd say a child therapist is the way to go ...

:grouphug:

[Mandylubug]

He had to face his father this morning (DH works nights so he missed his "wrath" last night) and I could tell he was squirming in his pants with nervousness. Ha ha. DH had a firm talking with him; instructed him that he would go personally to apologize about taking the game to his Aunt and Uncle and his two cousins. DH asked him what he would do if he was the parent and my oldest suggested that he should be grounded for three weeks from all tv/xbox/ds... We were only going to ground for two but he thought of three himself and felt it worthy of his actions. My SIL and BIL were at church today so we had to conduct our apologies there. My son told me before going in that he felt like vomiting he was so nervous and scared. That makes me feel good in an odd way. He at least doesn't feel that his actions were justified and actually felt badly. He accomplished his apologies very sincerely and was honest and upfront with everyone.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I think with the screaming and "sneaking" he has impulse control issues. Most likely from a chemical imbalance. There is no shame in having him tested to see if something can be done to help him. There will be some trial and error and it might take awhile to find the right fit. Being overly hard on him will only make him "sneak" more. This is a time for a loving and understanding approach. It could be that he really can't help himself for some or even all of his bad behavior. Give him time to sort through his emotions and do your own "talk therapy, especially prior to visits to cousins.