treestarfae Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I would find another aide or start a public meet up group you can all attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amydavis Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) I'm doing something that I tend to not do - responding before reading the other replies. So, I apologize if I'm repeating advice you've already received. My ds18 also receives hours each week. It is so easy for lines to get blurred in this situation, and that has most certainly happened in the circumstances you've described. She may be doing fun activities with your daughter, but she is not there as a friend, but as an employee. It is not your responsibility to pay for her meals. She is on-the-clock, working with your daughter. Her responsibility is to work on the goals, or activities, that you've chosen for your dd. Quite often, my son's aides will accompany him to a fast food restaurant, or a convenience store. Whether or not they buy something for themselves is their own business. They aren't there for their enjoyment of a meal - they are there to facilitate my son's goals in the community. They can choose to eat prior to their shift, brown bag a meal, or grab something on the way home. Or, they can choose to eat at the same time. But it is in no way my obligation to spend money on them. Just remember, she is not your friend, doing you a favor by watching your dd. It would be like sending in money to feed your child's classroom teacher on a field trip. Would anyone ever think to do that? Ridiculous. And quite frankly, I view it as theft. She has allowed your dd to spend money on her, and it's not right. Some may think that a bit harsh, but since your dd is in need of an aide, I do believe she is more easily taken advantage of. It is at minimum a very inappropriate bit of conduct in this field. And it doesn't play into it, that she may or may not have spent money on your dd at some point. Once again, I'll use the example of a classroom teacher, Sunday School teacher, or daycare worker as an example. They often spend money on treats for the children in their care. I worked in a preschool, and would often bring in something special for snack. However, it wouldn't have occurred to me, that my choice to do that would equal an expectation that the parents feed me or pay my way into activities that cost money on my part. Ridiculous. As for things like movies, that require admission, that should be handled by your aide's employer. In our state, the aides are with my son working on goals that have been made by myself and case managers. If money is required in the pursuit of one of those goals, it is the responsibility of the agency to reimburse the worker, since the agency is being reimbursed by the state for those goal hours. Our agency is small, and has asked that I please not choose crazy expensive outings on some type of regular basis. If your agency is refusing to cover these charges, you may need to speak to your case manager about finding a different service provider. And when interviewing them, make a point to ask how they handle this type of spending. As for anything else, I would definitely ask for all receipts to be returned at the end of the shift, along with change that is leftover. If it were me, I would also want to limit my dd going to the aide's home. IMO, and in our history, I have found that once an aide is at home, they don't so much feel "on the job." It's far too easy to just be taking care of things, and neglecting what you're being paid for. I would require that any daily living goals take place in my own home. Our aides work with ds18 on chores, self-help, recreational activities, etc. but in our home and in the community. Just something to consider. I hope you get it all sorted out. (And I hope my reply wasn't too heated in tone. I've simply had a lot of issues with some of my son's aides in the past, and it's a hot button for me. There is a real problem with professionalism in the field.) Now, I'm going to go read through the other posts! ETA: I have read slightly more into the thread, and I see that the aide seems to have control over the activities. Personally, I would put a stop to that. As her parent, you should choose what you want worked on, what kind of experiences you want her to have, etc. You should set the schedule. It would be hard to start over with an aide that had gotten used to things the old way, so I would immediately ask to start looking at others, so you could choose someone new for working with your dd. But quite frankly, her goal/outing time shouldn't be spent doing whatever suits the fancy of the individual working with her. It should be used specifically for her. I've had aides that were carting my son around to run their errands and pay their bills. I've spoken with employees from the bowling alley he was supposed to be at, to discover that he was only there a short period, and that the aide was on the phone the whole time. That doesn't do a thing for him, and certainly doesn't work towards anything we're working on. And quite frankly, it's why I keep a lot of his activities at home, or quite specific, down to exactly how long I expect him to be skating, etc. Sorry to ramble again, but I keep getting upset on your behalf as I continue to read. Edited February 19, 2012 by amydavis Read more info, and had to respond! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Very well said, Amy. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amydavis Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Very well said, Amy. :001_smile: Thanks. Of course, I've already edited that one, and will probably again by the time I read through the thread! I keep finding new info that just upsets me on behalf of the OP. It's such a hard thing, finding people that you can trust to work in the best interests of your child with special needs. It makes me mad when people violate that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I just called one of the people I used to work with because I wanted to be clear on something. It has been a few years so I just wanted to double check. I was told that back then as well as now the helpers are not under any circumstance ever allowed to ask a client for money or to pay for anything except their own needs. Not sure how it works in your neck of the woods but it is considered staeling and it is a BIG reason to get fired as well as have charges filed. Theft of clients even if they willingly give it considering the mental abilities of some it still is theft. I totally agree with this. There is something very fishy going on here. I hope you do follow up and research this with the company, Nance. They probably have have budget cuts but this is just a little too weird and secretive. And I wonder if your DD if the only one dealing with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 After reading the whole thread, it sounds to me that the aide is taking advantage of your daughter. I would go higher up and find out what she's allowed and not allowed to do before I send a letter to her. :iagree: This feels really, really icky to me.:( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amydavis Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 One more thing...I've seen mention of whether or not to write the aide a letter. I wouldn't bother. You have an agency to act as an intermediary, so you don't have to worry about it. Simply call her supervisor, and report all that you've stated here. Let them know it seems, at minimum, morally and ethically wrong. They can decide whether or not that means that they want to fire her, or simply move her to other clients. Not.your.problem. But you can control who has access to your dd. I would call on Monday, Tuesday if they're closed for the holiday, and put a stop to her working with your dd. And don't feel sorry for her. She, once again, at minimum, has a misguided sense of what her job entails. However, I feel it is more than that. She is taking advantage of your dd and your family. I know it hurts to think so, but that is what is happening. Unfortunately, I have been there. It hurts a great deal to realize that someone you trusted and cared for, not only fails to reciprocate those feelings for you or your child, but actually takes advantage of the situation. I've done the same thing you're doing, actually worrying on her behalf, by not wanting to call in and state what has happened. Just remember, she didn't have that level of concern for you or your dd when she allowed any of the things you stated to happen. It means you have a good heart that you've even considered her needs, plus it also feels better to minimize what she's done. You are your dd's advocate, so forget about the aide, and simply make the call and act in the best interest of your dd and your family. I know it's a difficult situation, but you'll feel so much better once it's handled. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 Thanks for all the input, all. As an update, I did not send the aide a letter. I did end up calling the supervisor, who called me back today. We talked, and she said the aides used to get X amount of dollars a week that they could use toward their outings with their clients and so on, but now they are no longer able to get any money at all toward their outings. So most of them look to do free and low cost things with their clients when it comes to the recreational outings. She said she worried she'd even lose some staff over this, but hasn't so far. With that said, she said that this person absolutely should NOT have asked my daughter to pay for ANY of her meals or anything like that. Even if this person took it upon herself to treat to some lunches and snacks while at her house and such of her own accord, she never should have then asked my daughter to pay for her meals or give her money for ANYTHING. She was very surprised to hear this and agreed that it was just not appropriate. She asked me if I knew how many times it happened because she was even speculating aloud about whether I would want the aide to reimburse us (I didn't, I said my daughter told me of at least two times but that I didn't know if it had come up other times that she didn't tell me about). She told me if I wanted to drop this person and just use the others, I could (I said I was going to think on this a bit more and let her know). She said she is going to talk to the aide to hear what she has to say/her side of the story, and she's going to call me back within the next few days to let me know what she said, and to find out whether I want to drop her or continue with her. At this point, I just feel like things are going to be totally awkward between us if nothing else, though. Blah. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Thanks for all the input, all. As an update, I did not send the aide a letter. I did end up calling the supervisor, who called me back today. We talked, and she said the aides used to get X amount of dollars a week that they could use toward their outings with their clients and so on, but now they are no longer able to get any money at all toward their outings. So most of them look to do free and low cost things with their clients when it comes to the recreational outings. She said she worried she'd even lose some staff over this, but hasn't so far. With that said, she said that this person absolutely should NOT have asked my daughter to pay for ANY of her meals or anything like that. Even if this person took it upon herself to treat to some lunches and snacks while at her house and such of her own accord, she never should have then asked my daughter to pay for her meals or give her money for ANYTHING. She was very surprised to hear this and agreed that it was just not appropriate. She asked me if I knew how many times it happened because she was even speculating aloud about whether I would want the aide to reimburse us (I didn't, I said my daughter told me of at least two times but that I didn't know if it had come up other times that she didn't tell me about). She told me if I wanted to drop this person and just use the others, I could (I said I was going to think on this a bit more and let her know). She said she is going to talk to the aide to hear what she has to say/her side of the story, and she's going to call me back within the next few days to let me know what she said, and to find out whether I want to drop her or continue with her. At this point, I just feel like things are going to be totally awkward between us if nothing else, though. Blah. You have confirmation that she has used your disabled daughter for her own gain (lunch money). I know that you and your dd are used to her but since you said that your dd is happy with the others too, I don't see any good side to keeping her on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Yes, if you daughter (and you) like the other 2 aides available, I would drop this one. My first post on this thread I didn't think it was too big of a deal but with more reading I saw it was an agency type thing, not the family/friend respite that we have.........and even then I OFFER to pay the way for our friend/family that does the respite, they don't ask or demand it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 You have confirmation that she has used your disabled daughter for her own gain (lunch money). I know that you and your dd are used to her but since you said that your dd is happy with the others too, I don't see any good side to keeping her on. I know, part of me thinks that, too, and then part of me thinks, 'but I have no idea how many snacks and treats she did provide my daughter at her house that makes her have justified this in her head and made her think it was okay to tell my daughter, 'you treat this time.'' Even though it wasn't really appropriate still, maybe she didn't think of it as using her but more of keeping things fair because she thought she was spending a good amount on her, too. I just don't know. But I think you're right regardless, because either way I don't think she was exercising good judgement and didn't go about things the right way, and it's not like this was the first time or the first situation with her, and I don't know how many times it came up, and now I'll always wonder about her, and plus things would just feel awkward. So maybe it would just be better regardless to let her go and stick with the others. I don't know why I feel so conflicted about it though. I don't even have any close personal feelings toward her myself, it's more just feeling kind of bad/awkward about it for some reason. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 You have confirmation that she has used your disabled daughter for her own gain (lunch money). I know that you and your dd are used to her but since you said that your dd is happy with the others too, I don't see any good side to keeping her on. :iagree: My sentiments exactly. Also, I'm sure this aide knew she was doing wrong, yet she broke the rules more than once, so do you really think she will be a good influence on your dd in the long run? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I know, part of me thinks that, too, and then part of me thinks, 'but I have no idea how many snacks and treats she did provide my daughter at her house that makes her have justified this in her head and made her think it was okay to tell my daughter, 'you treat this time.'' Even though it wasn't really appropriate still, maybe she didn't think of it as using her but more of keeping things fair because she thought she was spending a good amount on her, too. I just don't know. Nance, it's sweet of you to try to give this woman the benefit of the doubt, but she knew the rules and she intentionally played fast and loose with them. The other aides never asked your dd to pay their way, and that should tell you a lot. Please don't let yourself make excuses for this woman's dishonest behavior. She stole money from your dd by essentially tricking her into paying for her lunch on more than one occasion, and anyone who would take advantage of a client in a situation such as this is a World Class Weasel. This isn't the first time this aide has caused a problem. The other aides seem fine, so I would ditch this one and not think twice about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Nance, it's sweet of you to try to give this woman the benefit of the doubt, but she knew the rules and she intentionally played fast and loose with them. The other aides never asked your dd to pay their way, and that should tell you a lot. Please don't let yourself make excuses for this woman's dishonest behavior. She stole money from your dd by essentially tricking her into paying for her lunch on more than one occasion, and anyone who would take advantage of a client in a situation such as this is a World Class Weasel. This isn't the first time this aide has caused a problem. The other aides seem fine, so I would ditch this one and not think twice about it. :iagree: Since this particular aide isn't the only one available, or your dd's favorite person to be with, I'd let her go. If you want Melissa to work on the give and take of treating friends to lunch, that should happen at your request, not the aide's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Okay, I did it. I told the supervisor to let that aide go and just use the other two. I can't help feeling a little bad about it, but it's done! Thanks again for all of the feedback! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Good for you, Nance -- I think you did the right thing! :thumbup1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I have hesitated to bring this up and hopefully I'm not too much hijacking the thread, but I'm curious how folks would respond. I certainly agree that there was something icky about this and think the right resolution happened. That said, I'm wondering if y'all would look at it the same way if a volunteer aide was involved, or the aide was paid by a non-profit that raised money from individual donors? Would it change the answer if the family involved could easily afford the meals and movies (no idea of the situation here, and don't need to)? I have a couple of situations in my life that I'm trying to decide if I can distinguish them from this situation. I hate to go on a long side story, but I can if that would be helpful in answering. Or maybe I should start a new thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NittanyJen Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Okay, I did it. I told the supervisor to let that aide go and just use the other two. I can't help feeling a little bad about it, but it's done! Thanks again for all of the feedback! Hugs to you. I know this was a very difficult decision for you, but as presented here, I really feel you did the right thing. Sometimes the right call can really be tough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Hugs to you. I know this was a very difficult decision for you, but as presented here, I really feel you did the right thing. Sometimes the right call can really be tough. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 I have hesitated to bring this up and hopefully I'm not too much hijacking the thread, but I'm curious how folks would respond. I certainly agree that there was something icky about this and think the right resolution happened. That said, I'm wondering if y'all would look at it the same way if a volunteer aide was involved, or the aide was paid by a non-profit that raised money from individual donors? Would it change the answer if the family involved could easily afford the meals and movies (no idea of the situation here, and don't need to)? I have a couple of situations in my life that I'm trying to decide if I can distinguish them from this situation. I hate to go on a long side story, but I can if that would be helpful in answering. Or maybe I should start a new thread. It is hard to answer without knowing what the story is, but I think if it's a similar situation, no aide, volunteer or paid, should ask a special needs child or adult in their care for their money or their belongings, unless they've reached some sort of understanding/agreement with the adult family member in charge first. By the way in my case the supervisor did tell me that she can fill this aide's hours so she was like "don't feel like you'll be making her lose hours/pay" so not to feel bad about that. She said that the aide basically said that they'd been trading off on who pays for what, which was her justification, and the supervisor said she told her that was not the best way to handle things and that she should only use her money for herself and a client's money should only be for a client. She said she didn't seem upset or anything by being told that, but she basically told me, "You have to feel totally comfortable with who you are using, that's what I would want if it were my daughter, so if you just want to go with the other two, don't feel bad." So I said, yeah, okay, let's just do that. The whole thing was just awkward but I'm glad it's resolved. I can't help feeling that the woman probably does feel a bit betrayed over us not wanting to use her anymore over it, but I guess she's not my concern. My daughter is my concern. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 It is hard to answer without knowing what the story is, but I think if it's a similar situation, no aide, volunteer or paid, should ask a special needs child or adult in their care for their money or their belongings, unless they've reached some sort of understanding/agreement with the adult family member in charge first. I completely agree and couldn't agree more about your resolution. I guess my questions are (and I know I should pull this elsewhere) what is customary about doing things "for" caregivers. I have (and will) at various times had someone hired to care for children or elderly family members in my immediate or extended family. They (both elders and children) have also participated in programs run by struggling non-profits. In one of the latter cases, when funding dried up, a bunch of parents passed the hat to pay for some compensation that had previously been provided by the non-profit. With regard to paid caregivers/nanny/babysitter, I guess I/we do provide the food. If the caregiver takes the person somewhere to eat, we (whoever "we" is in the extended family) have paid for the caregiver's meal as well so that they can eat together. Ditto museum admissions or movies. When giving care in the home, I make sure they know they are welcome to eat food that is there, and can make meals to share with the person. I'm just worried (may not be the right word) that I am sort of out of the norm on that. In some cases, I will be involved in managing the elderly family member's money and I don't want to feel that I'm doing something wrong or way out of line -- or at least go into it with open eyes if someone will complain afterward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I guess my questions are (and I know I should pull this elsewhere) what is customary about doing things "for" caregivers. I have (and will) at various times had someone hired to care for children or elderly family members in my immediate or extended family. They (both elders and children) have also participated in programs run by struggling non-profits. In one of the latter cases, when funding dried up, a bunch of parents passed the hat to pay for some compensation that had previously been provided by the non-profit. With regard to paid caregivers/nanny/babysitter, I guess I/we do provide the food. If the caregiver takes the person somewhere to eat, we (whoever "we" is in the extended family) have paid for the caregiver's meal as well so that they can eat together. Ditto museum admissions or movies. When giving care in the home, I make sure they know they are welcome to eat food that is there, and can make meals to share with the person. I'm just worried (may not be the right word) that I am sort of out of the norm on that. In some cases, I will be involved in managing the elderly family member's money and I don't want to feel that I'm doing something wrong or way out of line -- or at least go into it with open eyes if someone will complain afterward. I think the situations you describe are fine--it is not the one being cared for who is paying, as they may not be able to make good financial decisions, it is the one(s) managing the money who are making the decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 Emily, I think most of what you are describing sounds fine! Are you asking if it is okay when you are managing an elderly person's money to make the decision to use some of that money to pay for a volunteer aide's meals etc. while the aide is with that elderly person? I would think that would be okay as long as it doesn't end up negatively affecting the elderly person to the point where they don't have the things they need etc! If the elderly person is mentally competent enough to be asked about it, it might be nice to ask them about it. "What do you say we buy lunch for so and so today, does that sound nice?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I have only got through page 3 of replies so far so please excuse me if I repeat something, but I think going to the supervisor for clarification is important. I know you do not want to get her in trouble but if she is doing this to your daughter and it is wrong, and she has 1-2 other clients every other day of teh week, she is getting a free ride, getting her meals paid for daily by her clients, and outtings, and supplies for things and getting a pay cheque to boot...Now I could be off base but if she is willing to scam 1 family she is likely willing to scam them all. My worry is that she is having these clients pay for everything, and then submitting the receipts and getting reimbursed for all the expenses that she never paid inthe first place plus her normal cheque. I would certainly hope that is not the case and that she is telling the truth that she is not being reimbursed anymore but she needs to sort out how she can afford it then. DS13 is approved for 4 hours a month with a community aide. I was informed in my agreement that the workers do not get mileage covered anymore so I have to get ds to the location and pick him up after, and that the worker gets a very small amount to cover things so we should try to stick with free/lowcost things to help that. But those were laid out to me and the worker at a meeting with the supervisor at the very beginning. Any changes to this would have to be agreed upon in the same way because it changes the agreement I signed. So if they got zero reimbursements now that would have to be brought to me in writing for me to sign and agree to the changes in the contract. They could not just come to me and claim I have to pay X amount for him because they couldn't afford the outting, or wanted a meal etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.