how would you handle this - family issue

[HappyLady]

Let me start by saying that I grew up only really knowing my immediate family - dad, mom and sister. We saw two of my aunts and their families a few times, but for various reasons my mom and dad wanted little to no contact with their respective families. It always made me sad to know that I had family out there that I didn't know. I vowed that when I got older I'd meet at least some of them. I actually ended up going to high school with a cousin of mine (my best friend was the one who figured out we were cousins) and my cousin told my bf that she didn't want to meet me because if we hadn't met yet she didn't see the need in meeting me then. :( I even joined some activities she was involved in just to get to know her and she never said more than 2 words to me.

 

Fast forward to a little over a year ago. I tracked down another cousin of mine and we chatted in email a few times. He seemed really nice and we kept saying we needed to get together, but we never did. Then, I found him a few months later on Facebook and we became "friends." A few months after that my sister actually ended up meeting him and they instantly became like best friends. They talk and see each other all the time because they're like two peas in a pod.

 

I ended up finally meeting this cousin and though I knew we'd never have the relationship like he has with my sister I was still happy with the fact that we could get our families together (he has children just a few years older than my children) and have a nice time. He and his family have been to my house a few times and we always got along splendidly.

 

Then, the other day, for no apparent reason he unfriended me on Facebook. I told my sister about it and she checked and saw that he deleted a bunch of people, but he didn't delete my sister, my mom, or my 12 year old niece (my sister's daughter). I don't get it! Why delete me?? We never chatted much on there, but we did comment on posts and pictures from time to time. It was pretty much the only way I knew what was going on in his life and to shoot him a quick "hello."

 

I'm so upset about this. And no, I don't base my self worth or anything like that on how many friends on have on FB and such, but it just makes no sense to me!

 

My sister said he played dumb when she asked him about it, but I think one of them is keeping something from me as to why I was unfriended. I would think if he knew I was no longer his friend and he "didn't know why" it happened, he would have rectified the matter, but he didn't. I let it go for awhile and still nothing.

 

Today I sent him a PM on FB and said that I would have written him a "Happy New Year" on his wall, but "since we're not friends....." I tried to keep it light to leave it open for him to explain that it was either an "accident" or to at least tell me why he deleted me. All I got was a friend request, one that I take as a "pity" friend request.

 

Now, I've had people unfriend me before and it has never bothered me so please don't tell me to not be upset over something so silly. It's the fact that I finally got in touch with a family member, met him, got along with him, looked forward to our children growing up together, and then he basically cuts off the little communication that we had.

 

I don't know what to do. Ask him straight out why he did it in the first place? Let it go and keep treating him like family (like inviting him to my daughter's birthday party that's coming up)? What? I'm just so baffled by all of this and very hurt. I want an explanation, but I'm almost afraid to hear his reasoning. :(

 

WWYD?

[Carol in Cal.]

Let it be.

He friended you again.

It's fixed.

Move on.

It's clear that whatever it was, he doesn't want to talk about it.

And the more you push, the more likely that you'll end up estranged for good.

[QuirkyKapers]

I would ask him about it, but only if you are ready to hear the answer. :grouphug: Was it recent the last time him and his family were over?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Let it be.

He friended you again.

It's fixed.

Move on.

It's clear that whatever it was, he doesn't want to talk about it.

And the more you push, the more likely that you'll end up estranged for good.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Sputterduck]

My cousin unfriended me and I was hurt. I get it. Being unfriended hurts whether online or in real life. People are real live people complete with feelings even when on the internet, and I don't think everyone thinks about that. I asked her why, she didn't have a good explanation, and then sent a friend request. I'm still wary around her and that was like... 2 years ago. I've always been super nice to her and she has not always been nice to me. Oh well. Her actions reflect on her, not me.

Edited January 2, 2012 by Sputterduck

[Myeightkiddies]

Let it be.

He friended you again.

It's fixed.

Move on.

It's clear that whatever it was, he doesn't want to talk about it.

And the more you push, the more likely that you'll end up estranged for good.

 

:iagree:

 

Usually these things are more about them than they are about you, even though it doesn't feel that way. He could have had a bout of depression or anger at someone else and swooped in to remove friends. Maybe he wanted only those that he converses with daily and eliminate the rest. You probably got looped in with a bunch of others, which isn't reassuring but it certainly isn't personal (and could have been a mistake). Until you know for certain otherwise, just act like business as usual.

[Lawana]

Let it be.

He friended you again.

It's fixed.

Move on.

It's clear that whatever it was, he doesn't want to talk about it.

And the more you push, the more likely that you'll end up estranged for good.

:iagree:The more you push it now, the more you're likely to come off as whiney, touchy and clingy. Did he grow up estranged from extended family? If not, he might not have a clue how important your relationship is to him. And even if he was estranged, he still might not get it. I could easily see it being a matter of personality rather than an intended slight.

 

Be the person he would enjoy spending time with.

[Mergath]

It could have been anything. It could have been an accident. You might have said something political, or religious, or whatever that offended him, and he retaliated by unfriending you. You don't know this person too well, it sounds like, so I wouldn't let it get to you. Heck, I have a half-sister that won't speak to me on FB (she was adopted to a different family before I was born) and I have no idea why. Really, you can either be blunt and ask, or let it go and pretend it didn't happen.

[HSMom2One]

Honestly, FB has caused a number of rifts in families and friendships. My brother has written me out of his life because I dared to post a political message on FB that was contrary to his views and agenda, and he refuses to put it aside and move on. On another occasion, one of our DILs came unglued because she saw a picture of my dh holding one of our grandchildren on his shoulders. DIL was jealous and accused him of spending more time with that grandchild than her own dd, which was completely untrue. She is still holding a grudge, and it's been almost two years.

 

Be careful with FB and don't allow yourself to read too much in to what happens there. People can be sincere yet thoughtless about what they say, do, post, upload, friend or unfriend. I've come so close to pulling the plug on my account because it has caused some real damage and hurt in my life. I'm learning to put more stock in direct communications than what happens on FB. It just isn't worth the hassles.

 

I agree with others, move on and let go of it.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Julie in CA]

Well, I don't really have any words of wisdom regarding the situation, but I just thought I'd mention that I have considered unfriending a few people, not because I don't like them, but because I feel that there's no possible way that they could be interested in the small facts of my life that I occasionally post on my FB. Maybe something like that happened? :grouphug: