prayer requests -fil dying, job situation, marital reconciliation.....

[Alenee]

Peek, I'll be praying. Dh's dad died in our first year of marriage, followed by both his paternal and maternal grandfathers in that same year. The next four years were the hardest years of our life. We both strayed in many ways. We also considered divorce but God was faithful and brought us to a deeper love for each other than we ever thought possible.

 

:grouphug:

[chiguirre]

I'm so relieved that you've looked into all your legal rights. You've got a good head on your shoulders and you WILL get through these hard times.

[Fourmother]

(((Peek a Boo))) I'm very sorry for your troubles. You have always impressed me as a person with remarkable fortitude. I feel certain that you and your family will make it through this crisis period. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Joanne]

the legal divorce is to establish some parameters needed to keep at bay some Very Serious control issues both financially and w/in the household [that yeah, have been going on for the last, oh, 14 years]. There are a host of reasons why, including physical safety, removal of guns from the home, verbal and emotional abuse, and manipulation of finances. The legal separation/divorce is at my insistence. [and in TX, you *don't* have to be separated 90 days --that's just one option. but it will take time to become final.] Honestly gals, this has been a looong time coming, and I've taken it up w/ people here IRL, i just haven't brought it all online till now But since I know y'all are more than virtual i still feel a bit accountable to let you know what's going..... kwim?

 

Peek,

 

As you know, I have BTDT in many ways. It's my prayer and hope that your marriage is changed to a vibrancy and health that is beyond anything you've ever experienced.

 

In the meantime, there *are* some boundaries - emotional, legal, financial, etc that need to be put in place. If you haven't already begun to learn the dynamic of family violence (and that dynamic exists in the presence of verbal/emotional/financial abuse even if you've never been "hit"), please do. 3 years later, I'm still suprised and weary from that dynamic.

 

Go to a Next Step Divorce class. They often have corresponding ones for children. It is Christian but non denominational.

 

Check out Divorcecare.org.

 

I am in Katy; and more than willing to be a phone or in person support. I am *not* pro-divorce. I'm pro healthy relationships. If you haven't already begun to make decisions on framing this for the kids and want feedback, let me know.

 

I'll happily offer my home, phone, time and care for you, my cyber friend and Texas neighbor.

 

{{{Many loving, tender hugs}}}

 

PS: One more piece of advice; limit who you talk to about the details of the marital breakdown. Pick a couple of people to be completely honest with and give the rest platitudes.

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

Oh ((((Peek))))

 

Praying for you, dh, and the children.

 

May the Lord give you peace in these difficult times.

 

Camy

[Soph the vet]

I'm sorry, Peek. I only brought up the Scripture thing as it had not been brought out in previous posts. It is obviously more complicated than I can imagine. Again, I am so sorry you are going through this, really.

Soph

[Amy in NH]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I know firsthand how difficult it is. I am glad that you are seeking counsel (legal & otherwise). I hope you will be careful about what you give up to secure your uncontested divorce. I walked away from a lot because I only wanted my kids. Well, he came back and got more of them than I ever wanted to give up, and I was still left without what I walked away from. And I don't think it was because he really wanted them, but because he wanted to hurt me.

 

Just be careful.

 

I hope you can work it out.

[Elm in NJ]

I am so sorry about what you are going through. The whole family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Elmeryl

[Carol in Cal.]

I am consoled by your words and preparation.

 

Have to warn you about something else, now, though.

 

Making this big of a move leaves you vulnerable to very unpredictable stuff, more so than you might imagine from being inside of the situation right now.

 

For instance, not that this applies to you at all, but, I know someone quite well who had a very unhappy marriage. No communication, no love, very unappreciated on both sides, lots of bickering pretty much all the time, working opposite shifts, 3 little kids in daycare. The schedule was that he worked first shift and she worked second, and so the kids were in daycare from right before she went to work to right when he got home from work every day. She had them every morning and he had them every evening, and she worked a lot of Sundays and holidays and he worked a lot of Saturdays. No drinking or drugs, but lots and lots of passive aggression. No real relating at all. Anyway, pretty much in anger and frustration she decided that she wanted a divorce. She kind of thought that things would go on more or less as before, but that he would feel rejected and hurt and kind of be a little chastened by the whole thing.

 

Well, this is not how it worked out. He did not continue to watch the children on the same schedule as before, he did not feel all that bad for very long, and he basically went on with his life. He spent a lot of time with the kids but he stopped picking them up from daycare every single day or covering every single time she was offered overtime at the last minute. He went to a divorce group for 2 years and did have some difficulties, but he did not stay in the schedule or situation that they had had before. She ended up with more stress, not less, when all was said and done. And since this was a stress-driven divorce, it seemed like a real waste to me and was bad for the children for sure.

 

I tell this story not to dump on you, or add to the stress that you already feel. It is not exactly applicable to you--you seem to have specific difficulties that are much worse than this other situation which had devolved to dislike but not any personal or substance abuse--just incompatibility. But, my point is, once you take as drastic an action as a divorce, things get extremely unpredictable. It gives your H the opportunity to walk very easily, and gives him a weapon that if I were you I am not sure I would want to place in his hands--the weapon that he really can walk, with almost complete legal immunity, pending subsequent filing for child support and such. I'm not saying that you're doing the wrong thing, but just that considering the worst case you can think of, thinking outside of the box, would be a good move as you decide what to do next.

 

Best to you, Peek. Very tough situation; I'm really sorry.

[Peek a Boo]

again, thanks everyone. I will reassure you that there are no drugs or alcohol involved [tho Joanne you are on the money w/ how helpful those options are --we are lining some up :)], and I really do appreciate all the concern and warning -don't apologize for bringing things up, cuz you never know when we just might have missed something. i can absolutely take what fits and discard --or file away for later-- the rest. and Soph --never apologize for bringing up scripture :D

 

temporary orders: yes, we can get these, and they are pretty much the same as a legal separation [still married, legal boundaries], but you still have to file for divorce and they are only in force as long as the divorce is being $mediated$ --which means it would be a long drawn out costly option. Back to dh saying he'd rather do this quickly and put the money towards counselors ASAP.

 

and carol, again, you are right: i did [do] this knowing i had to be prepared for the worst and ready to work for the best. i praise God that I have a superb IRL support group that is already committed to helping out in numerous ways.

 

As it stands right now, dh is supportive of me still staying home w/ the kids and in the house. As long as his job situation holds out somehow [he has a few things lined up] then i shouldn't have to look for work outside the home, altho i probably will for backup.

[Tutor]

My goodness! I am so sorry your family is going through this. I wish I had something more to offer, but my imperfect prayers will have to do. May you be given the strength to mourn and yell and doubt accompanied by a peace and contentment that surpasses understanding.