How do you deal with laziness?

[Aspasia]

:iagree: (agree with the whole post, actually, but just snipped it to this)

 

Also, be sure to say "That's good enough" when she is doing something that isn't perfect, and model to her that YOU don't always do things perfectly either. Perfectionism is difficult to deal with in these early years. My oldest also wouldn't try to do something until he could do it perfectly.

 

This is really helpful (as are all the posts pointing out the challenges perfectionist people face). I definitely have perfectionist tendencies myself and it took me all the way until a few years ago to acknowledge that I never tried anything in my life that I didn't know I would succeed at. At the time, everyone looked at me like this incredibly capable person who just succeeded at everything, but now I know that it was because I didn't go for the other stuff.

 

We have been aware of dd's perfectionist tendencies since she was a baby. She took her time with all of the developmental milestones, but once she started doing them, she was very, very good. After awhile, we could tell she was waiting until she was sure she could do it well. I guess I didn't think about the connection between that tendency and her quickness to walk away from something that was challenging.

 

We did learn awhile ago to really praise her efforts more than her accomplishments (mainly because of my own experience as a praise junky and perfectionist). When she does persist in something, we make a big deal out of it: "Yay! You tried and you tried and you did it!"

 

Adrienne,

 

I am sorry you felt a little blasted here. I have noticed that if anyone asks any sort of question regarding any sort of academic pursuit before the child is oh, 7 or so, there will always be some chiming in to tell you to relax! Your child is ONLY blank years old. blah blah blah

 

However, I won't be that person. ;) Children are just different. So are Moms. I was a mom like you, and 20 years later, I still am. My oldest kids say they're going to engrave on my tombstone, Work First, Play Second, for as many times as they've heard it. I have written next to my computer, Work Hard, Go to Heaven Tired. That's just who I am.

 

When it comes to parenting and homeschooling, it's not just about the child. It's about the mom, too. (Meaning we will do what is in US to do, not just what the "world" might say our child needs now.)

 

Yes, when you see hints of character traits you don't want, nipping that bud sooner rather than later is always best. Of course, you don't want to dislike your child, and you want to love on her as much as possible. You want to brag on her in front of other people -- that has done more for my kids, I think, than anything.

 

When my olders were really young and I had many in tow at the grocery store or whatever, if the cashier said to me, "your children are so well behaved!" . . . well, when we walked out of the store, I gave each of my kids a dime. I told them how much it made me thrilled that a stranger would say such a thing. They remember that. What's a dime? Nothing except a tangible thing to touch as a reminder that Mom was happy with me today. Maybe you can find something like that -- when others brag on your kids or you get to do the bragging to someone else. Even if my kids don't overhear me brag to my mom or a friend, I know that "the vibes" improve between my child and me when I do that.

 

Lazy? They were all lazy at times. Lazy was easier to deal with than whining. I had one who whined until the day she was married. We had to teach her how to think the whine thoughts but not say them. I searched out quotes to say often -- like from the movie Cool Runnings -- "You know what MY grandfather always said? Get back to work!" And after a time, we would say only the first part of the quote and everyone would laugh and get back at it. My kids all quote movies, Cosby, I Love Lucy. Movies and books are very rich for sayings without my personal judgment. As much as possible, try to keep your judgment out of what you say.

 

My oldest taught me to pray, for I was often in prayer over her -- she'd be the first to tell you how perfectionist she was/is, how negative she can be, how she wears her heart on her sleeve, how hard it is for her to give up a grudge. God taught me how much can be worked out through prayer and a happy face. No matter how my daughter was, I could choose to be cheerful. It's not worth it to let your children create your attitude. You choose to get your attitude right first, and keep that in spite of them.

 

Sing a lot. Play happy tunes. Tell jokes. Your dd is probably, along with perfectionistic, more serious than she needs to be, but it is who she is. School can be fun, too. Keep lessons short. Brag on your dd (she IS really bright, you know!) when she overheards and when she doesn't overhear. It helps you more than you think, to brag on her good qualities.

 

I have been in prayer about you since I saw this thread open. I hope you realize you're not alone. Many have done what you are doing with very young children and have lived to tell about it and, as I, would still do it all over again. No regrets here for having started young. Do I take my mother job seriously? You bet.

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post.

[shinyhappypeople]

Adrienne,

 

I am sorry you felt a little blasted here. I have noticed that if anyone asks any sort of question regarding any sort of academic pursuit before the child is oh, 7 or so, there will always be some chiming in to tell you to relax! Your child is ONLY blank years old. blah blah blah

 

However, I won't be that person. ;) Children are just different. So are Moms. I was a mom like you, and 20 years later, I still am. My oldest kids say they're going to engrave on my tombstone, Work First, Play Second, for as many times as they've heard it. I have written next to my computer, Work Hard, Go to Heaven Tired. That's just who I am.

 

When it comes to parenting and homeschooling, it's not just about the child. It's about the mom, too. (Meaning we will do what is in US to do, not just what the "world" might say our child needs now.)

 

Yes, when you see hints of character traits you don't want, nipping that bud sooner rather than later is always best. Of course, you don't want to dislike your child, and you want to love on her as much as possible. You want to brag on her in front of other people -- that has done more for my kids, I think, than anything.

 

When my olders were really young and I had many in tow at the grocery store or whatever, if the cashier said to me, "your children are so well behaved!" . . . well, when we walked out of the store, I gave each of my kids a dime. I told them how much it made me thrilled that a stranger would say such a thing. They remember that. What's a dime? Nothing except a tangible thing to touch as a reminder that Mom was happy with me today. Maybe you can find something like that -- when others brag on your kids or you get to do the bragging to someone else. Even if my kids don't overhear me brag to my mom or a friend, I know that "the vibes" improve between my child and me when I do that.

 

Lazy? They were all lazy at times. Lazy was easier to deal with than whining. I had one who whined until the day she was married. We had to teach her how to think the whine thoughts but not say them. I searched out quotes to say often -- like from the movie Cool Runnings -- "You know what MY grandfather always said? Get back to work!" And after a time, we would say only the first part of the quote and everyone would laugh and get back at it. My kids all quote movies, Cosby, I Love Lucy. Movies and books are very rich for sayings without my personal judgment. As much as possible, try to keep your judgment out of what you say.

 

My oldest taught me to pray, for I was often in prayer over her -- she'd be the first to tell you how perfectionist she was/is, how negative she can be, how she wears her heart on her sleeve, how hard it is for her to give up a grudge. God taught me how much can be worked out through prayer and a happy face. No matter how my daughter was, I could choose to be cheerful. It's not worth it to let your children create your attitude. You choose to get your attitude right first, and keep that in spite of them.

 

Sing a lot. Play happy tunes. Tell jokes. Your dd is probably, along with perfectionistic, more serious than she needs to be, but it is who she is. School can be fun, too. Keep lessons short. Brag on your dd (she IS really bright, you know!) when she overheards and when she doesn't overhear. It helps you more than you think, to brag on her good qualities.

 

I have been in prayer about you since I saw this thread open. I hope you realize you're not alone. Many have done what you are doing with very young children and have lived to tell about it and, as I, would still do it all over again. No regrets here for having started young. Do I take my mother job seriously? You bet.

 

I'm not the OP, but oh my goodness, I needed to hear this today. THANK YOU! I have tears in my eyes. You have NO IDEA how much I needed this.

[MerryAtHope]

If you think she's the perfectionist type, try moving away from praising outcomes a little and praise her effort. Adults tend to use "great work" and "good effort" but I've found little kids respond better to "very good trying" even though it's not elegant phrasing. :tongue_smilie: Don't stop praising outcomes because then you're not giving her what she wants, but try to use language to encourage her to think of trying as an outcome too. If that makes sense. I'm sleep deprived. :rolleyes:

 

Rosie

 

Yes! Praising the effort can make a big difference. A few years ago there was an article on why NOT to say "good job." Wish I could think of a link to it now, but I know it helped here to rephrase things.

[MerryAtHope]

I prefer to deal with things like laziness outside of academics for young children. I'd only work on reading with her when she asks for it, and as soon as she whines just quietly put it away--don't try to argue or negotiate or talk her into trying one more. If she asks why, simply say, "you're whining, we'll try again another time."

 

I'd encourage diligence and patience with simple chores that she can do. Praise her hard work even if the outcome isn't perfect (or perhaps especially when it isn't, if you think she has perfectionist tendancies). "You worked hard on this task, thank you for your efforts." Smile and encourage her to see things through to the end. When she's older and school aged, you can build on the positive habits you have been building in her. Find ways to walk alongside and encourage her, and you'll do just fine.

 

Merry :-)

[Jaybee]

My oldest was the physical perfectionist--he didn't walk until 15 months (though he was talking), but once he did, he rarely fell down. When he was 7, he couldn't ride a bike. One morning, he got up, got on his bike, and took off. We asked him, "What made you decide to try this morning?" He said, "I dreamed I could ride it, so when I got up and tried it, I could!"

 

OP, :grouphug: Parenting that first child is such a learning curve. And, unfortunately, the kids that follow all have to be different, so then you have to keep learning new stuff that fits them. :tongue_smilie: (But it can also be a lot of fun!)

 

It sounds like you are providing lots of wonderful learning activities for her along the way. Four was a much more difficult age than 2 or 3 at our house. It seemed like the year when the kids realized, "Hey, things in this world don't always go my way, and I don't like it!" The questioning, the whining, etc., were exhausting, but you just keep plugging along with the "I can't understand what you are saying when you speak in that tone of voice" kinds of instruction. And the hugs, the cuddles, the gentle demonstrations of how to do things, the encouraging words for when she tries even (especially) if it doesn't work, and so on, do make a difference.

[QuirkyKidAcademy]

Adrienne, I wish I'd taken my 4yo a little more seriously back in the day. There is a balance - I'm sure you and DH will find it. Best wishes!

[NASDAQ]

Infomom, oh boy, do I know the place you're at right now. My mother spends a lot of time telling me, "children are works in progress." It's hardest with the oldest, I think. I've seen tantrums before, but everything my oldest does, I'm seeing for the first time. I still remember the first time she had a throw-down, knock out tantrum 14 months or so. I thought there was something hideously wrong with her. It _could not be normal_ to be that upset over (iirc) how her apple had been cut.

 

Trying difficult things and thinking hard about them did not come easily for my first. We got her there. A lot of it was managing her anxiety. Small steps, holding her in my lap, starting with work that was easier than what she could manage and working up after she'd built up a little confidence.

 

Also, since she is only four, you might want to consider whether this is a dynamic you're ready for right now. Sometimes people trade introducing more difficult work for more peace in the house and hold off a bit (other people hold off for philosophical reasons).

[LaughingCat]

With the reading, I wouldn't necessarily just drop it, especially if your husband really wants you to keep working on reading - I would just do reading related activities instead. Like the games from "Games for Reading" by Peggy Kaye. I really wish I had done a lot more things like this with DD8 instead of just reading aloud to her a lot (and I will do them with DD3).

 

FWIW I think lazy is a word with plenty of baggage for lots of people (including me :tongue_smilie:) - IMO you just hit some people's "hot buttons".

 

LL

[Another Lynn]

Adrienne,

 

I am sorry you felt a little blasted here. I have noticed that if anyone asks any sort of question regarding any sort of academic pursuit before the child is oh, 7 or so, there will always be some chiming in to tell you to relax! Your child is ONLY blank years old. blah blah blah

 

However, I won't be that person. ;) Children are just different. So are Moms. I was a mom like you, and 20 years later, I still am. My oldest kids say they're going to engrave on my tombstone, Work First, Play Second, for as many times as they've heard it. I have written next to my computer, Work Hard, Go to Heaven Tired. That's just who I am.

 

When it comes to parenting and homeschooling, it's not just about the child. It's about the mom, too. (Meaning we will do what is in US to do, not just what the "world" might say our child needs now.)

 

Yes, when you see hints of character traits you don't want, nipping that bud sooner rather than later is always best. Of course, you don't want to dislike your child, and you want to love on her as much as possible. You want to brag on her in front of other people -- that has done more for my kids, I think, than anything.

 

When my olders were really young and I had many in tow at the grocery store or whatever, if the cashier said to me, "your children are so well behaved!" . . . well, when we walked out of the store, I gave each of my kids a dime. I told them how much it made me thrilled that a stranger would say such a thing. They remember that. What's a dime? Nothing except a tangible thing to touch as a reminder that Mom was happy with me today. Maybe you can find something like that -- when others brag on your kids or you get to do the bragging to someone else. Even if my kids don't overhear me brag to my mom or a friend, I know that "the vibes" improve between my child and me when I do that.

 

Lazy? They were all lazy at times. Lazy was easier to deal with than whining. I had one who whined until the day she was married. We had to teach her how to think the whine thoughts but not say them. I searched out quotes to say often -- like from the movie Cool Runnings -- "You know what MY grandfather always said? Get back to work!" And after a time, we would say only the first part of the quote and everyone would laugh and get back at it. My kids all quote movies, Cosby, I Love Lucy. Movies and books are very rich for sayings without my personal judgment. As much as possible, try to keep your judgment out of what you say.

 

My oldest taught me to pray, for I was often in prayer over her -- she'd be the first to tell you how perfectionist she was/is, how negative she can be, how she wears her heart on her sleeve, how hard it is for her to give up a grudge. God taught me how much can be worked out through prayer and a happy face. No matter how my daughter was, I could choose to be cheerful. It's not worth it to let your children create your attitude. You choose to get your attitude right first, and keep that in spite of them.

 

Sing a lot. Play happy tunes. Tell jokes. Your dd is probably, along with perfectionistic, more serious than she needs to be, but it is who she is. School can be fun, too. Keep lessons short. Brag on your dd (she IS really bright, you know!) when she overheards and when she doesn't overhear. It helps you more than you think, to brag on her good qualities.

 

I have been in prayer about you since I saw this thread open. I hope you realize you're not alone. Many have done what you are doing with very young children and have lived to tell about it and, as I, would still do it all over again. No regrets here for having started young. Do I take my mother job seriously? You bet.

 

Great post! So glad I came back to this thread and read this.

[RegularMom]

Just wanted to tell you that both my dd's are perfectionists, and I've been where you are with the reading lessons.

 

What I found, often, is that the most whining and balking occurred just before another reading milestone was reached. It's like that saying: the night is darkest just before the dawn comes. The reading lesson is hardest just before a breakthrough.

 

 

The way I handled it changed from day to day, mood to mood. Sometimes I was graceful and cheerful; sometimes I was grumpy and irritated. What I did mostly was to just keep on having a daily lesson, and if my dd's were particularly fussy, I'd simply tell them that the lesson would be 15 minutes long and that the clock would stop when the whining started. Thus, whining made the lessons LONGER, and stopped working for them. I also told them that I understood the work was hard, but that it was WORTH IT, that the day would come when they realized how worthy learning to read was.

 

My dd's are older now, and they read exceptionally well. They have many friends who struggle with reading, and they both have remarked on it, how glad they are that we did all that arduous work in our primer lessons. (We started at age 5 and ended at age 7 for primer lessons, btw.) And they both have a tendency to wander through the house reading books, on their way to the fridge for an apple, or to a more comfortable seat perhaps. Sometimes I come across them reading in a darkened room and flip on a light for them. I smile at them and then let them go back to their book.

 

You're doing a fine job with your dd. It's going to be okay.

 

HTH

[Aspasia]

 

FWIW I think lazy is a word with plenty of baggage for lots of people (including me :tongue_smilie:) - IMO you just hit some people's "hot buttons".

 

LL

 

Yeah, this occurred to me the other day, that perhaps I don't attach quite the same meaning to the word "lazy" as some people do. All I meant by it was the tendency to avoid anything that requires real effort. I certainly don't think my daughter is a lazy, good-for-nothing slob who will never succeed at anything (or whatever horrible ways people interpret that word.) But thanks for pointing out that it has some baggage for a lot of people.

[Cassy]

Yeah, this occurred to me the other day, that perhaps I don't attach quite the same meaning to the word "lazy" as some people do. All I meant by it was the tendency to avoid anything that requires real effort. I certainly don't think my daughter is a lazy, good-for-nothing slob who will never succeed at anything (or whatever horrible ways people interpret that word.) But thanks for pointing out that it has some baggage for a lot of people.

 

When I was younger I described myself as 'lazy' to a teacher, who pointed out that if I was lying in a chair and felt overwhelmingly thirsty I wouldn't be too lazy to get up to get myself a drink - that is, it's all about motivation. This made quite an impression on me at the time, partly because he rejected my negative assessment of myself as lazy, partly because he gave me something to think about. Ever since, whenever I've felt 'lazy', or had problems with someone else being lazy, I've tackled it as a matter of motivation. I know it's probably more than that, but over the years this teacher's words have led me to quite a deep understanding of how to motivate myself and others.

 

DH has a very different view of laziness, a view I find irritating. When he describes his father and DS10 as lazy, he does so in terms of laziness being some kind of innate character flaw that forever dooms the lazy person to a life of sin and failure. I get quite worked up when the subject comes up and we discuss it.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[MerryAtHope]

When I was younger I described myself as 'lazy' to a teacher, who pointed out that if I was lying in a chair and felt overwhelmingly thirsty I wouldn't be too lazy to get up to get myself a drink - that is, it's all about motivation. This made quite an impression on me at the time, partly because he rejected my negative assessment of myself as lazy, partly because he gave me something to think about. Ever since, whenever I've felt 'lazy', or had problems with someone else being lazy, I've tackled it as a matter of motivation. I know it's probably more than that, but over the years this teacher's words have led me to quite a deep understanding of how to motivate myself and others.

 

DH has a very different view of laziness, a view I find irritating. When he describes his father and DS10 as lazy, he does so in terms of laziness being some kind of innate character flaw that forever dooms the lazy person to a life of sin and failure. I get quite worked up when the subject comes up and we discuss it.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

 

Great observations! I wondered that too in this thread. When I think of laziness, I to think of it as a motivation issue, or someone saying that they need someone else to walk alongside them. I don't think of the innate flaw/slob/slothful/life-sentence kind of view! A lot of times my solution is humor (but then, I have 1, almost 2 teens in the house!).

[TheAutumnOak]

Wow... :001_huh:

Adrienne, first I want to say that I am really sorry you had to read some of the responses on this thread...Your DD is your oldest, and like the rest of us, you are still learning...You will be fine as a homeschooler...My son is 5 and he is still not quite ready for 1st grade work, and sometimes whines about doing stuff...I have two boys older than he is, so I have seen the change in them when they turned about 6...You will probably see a big change in your DD in a few years as well...

I wish you the best and hope you are not discouraged by what you have read...I love the boards and get great advice here, but sometimes I am saddened by how people respond to one another...

[FromA2Z]

Great observations! I wondered that too in this thread. When I think of laziness, I to think of it as a motivation issue, or someone saying that they need someone else to walk alongside them. I don't think of the innate flaw/slob/slothful/life-sentence kind of view! A lot of times my solution is humor (but then, I have 1, almost 2 teens in the house!).

 

I think that MOST children have one or more traits in varying degrees that as adults we would consider "undesirable" or at least need to be tempered (i.e selfishness, impulsiveness, laziness, perfectionist, etc). This is FINE and perfectly normal...and why we teach them to share, etc. (These same children also have lots of positive traits that, as parents, we need to help them enhance). Not all need instruction in all areas and some areas need a lot MORE instruction than others.

I think were it is seen a character "flaw" is in teens and adults who let this trait CONTROL their actions. (Again not in CHILDREN as they need the tools to deal w/ such things). I think for some these "negative" traits are basically outgrown but in others they could be a constant battle into adulthood. Again, nothing wrong in having these traits or having to "battle" them. Willingly letting them dominate your life, is another - hence the - lazy slob, etc. Having the tendency to be lazy is OK, sitting around in your PJs all day, every day while others take care of you when you are ABLE to, is not.

 

I myself am lazy- and because I recognize that fact, I am able to structure my life to counteract that tendency. When I tell people that I'm lazy, they laugh and say - but you do such and such, etc.. Yes, but if I didn't have so much to do, I would do NOTHING! So even though I tend to laziness, I CHOOSE not to be a "good for nothing".

 

So, to me when someone says a child is lazy - I just see it as a recognition of a perfectly normal trait that the child has that he/she may need help in learning to deal with - not that the child is a "good for nothing". Now when someone says it about an adult - I picture a 20 yr. old playing video games all day, while his mom cooks for him, does his laundry and gives him spending money :tongue_smilie:.

[Ohdanigirl]

Wow... :001_huh:

Adrienne, first I want to say that I am really sorry you had to read some of the responses on this thread...Your DD is your oldest, and like the rest of us, you are still learning...

 

...I have two boys older than he is, so I have seen the change in them when they turned about 6...You will probably see a big change in your DD in a few years as well...

sometimes I am saddened by how people respond to one another...

 

:iagree:

 

We all get overwhelmed sometimes. It sounds like you are off to a good start. I hope that nobody scares you iff, and that you stay on the boards. I have learned so much here.

 

Danielle