zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 How do you deal with this? Some of you may remember this post. I really thought things were going well with dh and he was doing great. Now all of a sudden he seems to be having a lot of insecurity. I just don't know what to do about this. I don't want to change things on my end. I'm feeling really good and friends have all commented on how I look like I'm feeling so much better. It's SO. NICE. to be feeling good after so long!! Dh has become somewhat withdrawn. He never was much of a joiner but now he's not wanting to do the few things we actually go to. What do I do?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 If my dh were feeling insecure, I'd do whatever it took to convince him he didn't need to be. NOT by changing your appearance, but by sharing absolutely every detail of what I was doing, who I was with. I would avoid any unneccessary interactions with men. Show him how in love you are with him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 I'm wondering if you have not only changed how you look, but how you are behaving. If you are feeling more confident you might be more outgoing than you were (and as you say your husband never really was). So now you are asking him to change how he is, but he isn't feeling any differently. That could be part of it, feeling more confident. But I'm not asking him to change, just be what he's always been but he's withdrawing more. He's become sullen and grumpy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 If my dh were feeling insecure' date=' I'd do whatever it took to convince him he didn't need to be. NOT by changing your appearance, but by sharing absolutely every detail of what I was doing, who I was with. I would avoid any unneccessary interactions with men. Show him how in love you are with him.[/quote'] That's what I've been trying to do. TeA time has been frequent. I don't have anything to hide. Shoot, I've always got an entourage of kids with me wherever I go. There are no secrets. lol!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Not advocating this because you're not married to my dh :) I just know how mine works and this is what it would take to get us sorted out. If this were my dh, I'd have some sharp words. If he's intimidated by my feeling good, he's got some big problems and blaming me for them is jerkful. Then I'd tell him any sensible guy would not be intimidated. Any sensible guy would be smirking to himself because he's the one who scored such a hot chick and not only would a sensible guy (yeah, I keep using that word. Dh likes to think of himself as a sensible guy) be smirking, he'd be taking me out to show off to all those other suckers who don't have me! If I tried to sort out such an issue by being nice, smooching him and making his lunch, he'd just wallow forever while I made myself miserable trying to find the balance between flying and clipping my wings. That's just too messed up. By using my less pleasant strategy, he'd be smirking in about three minutes and have promised to take me out for dinner. My dh has a bit of a victim complex and kind of expects people to be mean to him. Sometimes to get a problem solved, I have to work with his schema. This would be one of those times. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 My DH went through this. It was awful. We later found out he was dealing with an illness (Lyme, MS...we're still not exactly sure what he has) and it had led to depression which caused his out of line thinking. He's 'mentally' better now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MelanieM Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I'm with Rosie. I'd listen to any concerns, offer some reassurance, and if it persisted we'd have a conversation that goes something like this: "I'm good. You're good. We're good. Get over it." Then I would support him in his efforts to do just that, whether that meant a new hobby, some counseling, etc. I do not feel it is my job to change so that someone else can feel better. People are allowed to feel how they feel, but if they're unhappy with that, then they need to do the work to change things for themselves. That doesn't mean I wouldn't agree to reasonable requests that someone made of me, but no way would I carry the burden of someone else's insecurity. And I would expect the same from my husband in the reverse scenario. Best of luck to you. I'm sure this is all very challenging, and probably confusing and exasperating to boot. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 Not advocating this because you're not married to my dh :) I just know how mine works and this is what it would take to get us sorted out. If this were my dh, I'd have some sharp words. If he's intimidated by my feeling good, he's got some big problems and blaming me for them is jerkful. Then I'd tell him any sensible guy would not be intimidated. Any sensible guy would be smirking to himself because he's the one who scored such a hot chick and not only would a sensible guy (yeah, I keep using that word. Dh likes to think of himself as a sensible guy) be smirking, he'd be taking me out to show off to all those other suckers who don't have me! If I tried to sort out such an issue by being nice, smooching him and making his lunch, he'd just wallow forever while I made myself miserable trying to find the balance between flying and clipping my wings. That's just too messed up. By using my less pleasant strategy, he'd be smirking in about three minutes and have promised to take me out for dinner. My dh has a bit of a victim complex and kind of expects people to be mean to him. Sometimes to get a problem solved, I have to work with his schema. This would be one of those times. Rosie That's pretty much what I've told him - he should look at it as he's the one that takes me home. :D He waffles with thinking that and then wondering why I ever married him. He's also had a bit of a complex growing up. He was the red headed freckled kid that got picked on. We've had lots of talks about our insecurities stemming from childhood. I've shared my insecurities, which he thinks are ridiculous, but that's what they are! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 Are you sure he always wasn't that way and you are just noticing it more because you are feeling less sullen yourself? I'm not suggesting you are clueless to his personality. I really do think things can look differently when we ourselves are feeling differently. I don't know. :grouphug: He's definitely more of a loaner, but he's always happily gone to the few outings we go to. The older he gets, he just wants to stay home more. I guess I've always been ok with that, not feeling well myself. But now I'm looking forward to these outings and he's just complaining about them more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 I'm with Rosie. I'd listen to any concerns, offer some reassurance, and if it persisted we'd have a conversation that goes something like this: "I'm good. You're good. We're good. Get over it." Then I would support him in his efforts to do just that, whether that meant a new hobby, some counseling, etc. I do not feel it is my job to change so that someone else can feel better. People are allowed to feel how they feel, but if they're unhappy with that, then they need to do the work to change things for themselves. That doesn't mean I wouldn't agree to reasonable requests that someone made of me, but no way would I carry the burden of someone else's insecurity. And I would expect the same from my husband in the reverse scenario. Best of luck to you. I'm sure this is all very challenging, and probably confusing and exasperating to boot. :grouphug: We've kind of started a new hobby together - shooting (we're working on our concealed carry permit) but there's a lot of men at the range. lol! Now he's not even wanting to go there. sigh...... We did some marriage counseling early this year but the counselor wasn't a good fit for us. (He was telling us we needed to move from our new home in the country.) I don't know if he'd want to see anyone else or not. That experience put a bad taste in his mouth. It is very exasperating. Just when I'm thinking life is fun again, he's become a party pooper. lol!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 TeA time has been frequent. Well, no wonder he doesn't want to go out. No chance of that happening while you are out together, right? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Maybe he is depressed? That's what it sounds like to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 Maybe he is depressed? I don't *think* so. This change really all came about from his googling stupid stuff, giving him something to worry about that he didn't need to worry about. Now he can't seem to get it out of his head. We see the same thyroid dr regularly and I have an appt soon. Maybe I'll mention it to her and see what she thinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 Well, no wonder he doesn't want to go out. No chance of that happening while you are out together, right? ;) lol!! I make sure he's not thirsty before we go anywhere. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trresh Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I don't *think* so. This change really all came about from his googling stupid stuff, giving him something to worry about that he didn't need to worry about. Now he can't seem to get it out of his head. We see the same thyroid dr regularly and I have an appt soon. Maybe I'll mention it to her and see what she thinks. But something caused him to Google that stuff in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Not advocating this because you're not married to my dh :) I just know how mine works and this is what it would take to get us sorted out. If this were my dh, I'd have some sharp words. If he's intimidated by my feeling good, he's got some big problems and blaming me for them is jerkful. Then I'd tell him any sensible guy would not be intimidated. Any sensible guy would be smirking to himself because he's the one who scored such a hot chick and not only would a sensible guy (yeah, I keep using that word. Dh likes to think of himself as a sensible guy) be smirking, he'd be taking me out to show off to all those other suckers who don't have me! If I tried to sort out such an issue by being nice, smooching him and making his lunch, he'd just wallow forever while I made myself miserable trying to find the balance between flying and clipping my wings. That's just too messed up. By using my less pleasant strategy, he'd be smirking in about three minutes and have promised to take me out for dinner. My dh has a bit of a victim complex and kind of expects people to be mean to him. Sometimes to get a problem solved, I have to work with his schema. This would be one of those times. Rosie This is pretty much what would happen here - except for the complex. I'd tell dh to get over himself. He could either participate and be the guy with the hot chick on his arm or pout alone at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 He's definitely more of a loaner, but he's always happily gone to the few outings we go to. The older he gets, he just wants to stay home more. I guess I've always been ok with that, not feeling well myself. But now I'm looking forward to these outings and he's just complaining about them more. Is he complaining or just not going? If he is complaining but going along with it, let him complain for a while. He should get used to the new activities schedule soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 He waffles with thinking that and then wondering why I ever married him. "It wasn't for your whinging skills, that's for sure!" :tongue_smilie: How's this? "Hubby, Darling. I have a plan. If you leave the house in the morning thinking you are lucky to have such a sexy wife, we'll have teA when you get home. If you leave the house in the morning moping about why I ever married your red headed, freckled self, you will come home to a woman with messy hair, no bra and no dinner. How's that?" :tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Not advocating this because you're not married to my dh :) I just know how mine works and this is what it would take to get us sorted out. If this were my dh, I'd have some sharp words. If he's intimidated by my feeling good, he's got some big problems and blaming me for them is jerkful. Then I'd tell him any sensible guy would not be intimidated. Any sensible guy would be smirking to himself because he's the one who scored such a hot chick and not only would a sensible guy (yeah, I keep using that word. Dh likes to think of himself as a sensible guy) be smirking, he'd be taking me out to show off to all those other suckers who don't have me! If I tried to sort out such an issue by being nice, smooching him and making his lunch, he'd just wallow forever while I made myself miserable trying to find the balance between flying and clipping my wings. That's just too messed up. By using my less pleasant strategy, he'd be smirking in about three minutes and have promised to take me out for dinner. My dh has a bit of a victim complex and kind of expects people to be mean to him. Sometimes to get a problem solved, I have to work with his schema. This would be one of those times. Rosie I have to do this with my dh sometimes. I let him go so long and then I've had it. I have to remind him he's not a martyr or a victim and he really needs to get over it. It helps that I can remind him that I long ago told him that anything worth leaving him for was also worth burying him for.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 "It wasn't for your whinging skills, that's for sure!" :tongue_smilie: How's this? "Hubby, Darling. I have a plan. If you leave the house in the morning thinking you are lucky to have such a sexy wife, we'll have teA when you get home. If you leave the house in the morning moping about why I ever married your red headed, freckled self, you will come home to a woman with messy hair, no bra and no dinner. How's that?" :tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie::tongue_smilie: Rosie Thank you for the laugh!! I'll let you know how that works out. lol!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In2why Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Not advocating this because you're not married to my dh :) I just know how mine works and this is what it would take to get us sorted out. If this were my dh, I'd have some sharp words. If he's intimidated by my feeling good, he's got some big problems and blaming me for them is jerkful. Then I'd tell him any sensible guy would not be intimidated. Any sensible guy would be smirking to himself because he's the one who scored such a hot chick and not only would a sensible guy (yeah, I keep using that word. Dh likes to think of himself as a sensible guy) be smirking, he'd be taking me out to show off to all those other suckers who don't have me! If I tried to sort out such an issue by being nice, smooching him and making his lunch, he'd just wallow forever while I made myself miserable trying to find the balance between flying and clipping my wings. That's just too messed up. By using my less pleasant strategy, he'd be smirking in about three minutes and have promised to take me out for dinner. My dh has a bit of a victim complex and kind of expects people to be mean to him. Sometimes to get a problem solved, I have to work with his schema. This would be one of those times. Rosie I think we are married to the same man lol. Mine would need a kick in the butt to realize he was being a jerk and to get over himself. Anything else would just be prolonging the misery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 But something caused him to Google that stuff in the first place. Your guess is as good as mine. The way it started is he was gone on a business trip. I've been taking hormone supplements and they really started kicking in the week he was gone. He came home to a completely different wife than the one he left, IYKWIM. He googled something to the effect of what could cause the changes in personality like that. One of the answers was a cheating spouse. Thanks Dr. Google. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 Part of the difficulty of it is he is so hard on himself. He gets in this pity party and then starts apologizing for being such a jerk, why did I marry such a loser, etc. That just makes me more upset because he's just plain too hard on himself. I wouldn't have married him if he were a loser obviously! I just hate it when he starts beating himself up. I told him last night, that while it hurts that he would worry about this kind of thing, in the end he's hurting himself more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 He's definitely more of a loaner, but he's always happily gone to the few outings we go to. The older he gets, he just wants to stay home more. I guess I've always been ok with that, not feeling well myself. But now I'm looking forward to these outings and he's just complaining about them more. Is he okay with you going on your own? If so, just go and make sure he knows he's more than welcome to come along if he wants to. My dh chooses to stay home because he is worn out and would like the peace and quiet. Now if he is not wanting you to go, that gets more sticky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 Is he okay with you going on your own? If so, just go and make sure he knows he's more than welcome to come along if he wants to. My dh chooses to stay home because he is worn out and would like the peace and quiet. Now if he is not wanting you to go, that gets more sticky. He probably would be happy to stay home and keep the little people, but then he'd sit here feeling sorry for himself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 He really does sound depressed to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 I don't *think* so. This change really all came about from his googling stupid stuff, giving him something to worry about that he didn't need to worry about. Now he can't seem to get it out of his head. We see the same thyroid dr regularly and I have an appt soon. Maybe I'll mention it to her and see what she thinks. this is the part that concerned me in the original thread. (the googling) What is giving him cause to want to see if there's something "more" to your appearance/actions. It's like he doesn't trust you to tell him the truth, so google is going to give him the magic answer. What is it that is causing him to not trust you? To not even go to you with a major concern? To me that is a bigger deal than whatever is going on with your appearance or social life. Just my outsider's view of things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Is he okay with you going on your own? If so, just go and make sure he knows he's more than welcome to come along if he wants to. My dh chooses to stay home because he is worn out and would like the peace and quiet. Now if he is not wanting you to go, that gets more sticky. If this were just a difference of personalties that would be one thing. If he is doubting her fidelity I think this would add fuel to the fire. It certainly would not improve things. But it depend on what is the bigger issue. The Marriage or the Social Life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HiddenJewel Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 If this were just a difference of personalties that would be one thing. If he is doubting her fidelity I think this would add fuel to the fire. It certainly would not improve things. But it depend on what is the bigger issue. The Marriage or the Social Life. You are right. There does seem to be an underlying issue that needs to be resolved. I hope it is able to be identified and resolved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zookeeper Posted December 9, 2011 Author Share Posted December 9, 2011 What is it that is causing him to not trust you? To not even go to you with a major concern? I. do. not. know. There's never been any trust issues in the past. There's never been any unfaithfulness on either of our parts. He's had several friends and acquaintances that have gotten divorced lately due to finding old flames on facebook, etc. I think that's just fueled his worry. We went to a party tonight and he was fairly UNgrumpy. I could tell he was making an effort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 How do you deal with this? Some of you may remember this post. I really thought things were going well with dh and he was doing great. Now all of a sudden he seems to be having a lot of insecurity. I'm a direct spouse, and I would find this tiring and insulting. I'd tell my husband that he is being dramatic, and his fears are so unfounded they border on insult, and it is time to straighten up and fly right. Not mean or angry, but sincere and firm. YMMV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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