Telling someone: No presents for the kids? Rude? A Relief?

[Ginevra]

I'm considering telling my parents not to worry about gifts for the kids (or me/dh) this Christmas. Two problems with this: 1. They probably won't heed it; 2. They may be very hurt by the suggestion.

 

My folks have no money. I will grant you I don't know exactly how dire the situation is, but they clearly have little. For the past few years, I have tried to work in concert with my mom's ability to sew by suggesting things we would like to have that she can sew. This has worked better for one of my children than the other two because he has wanted things that I know she can make. I am concerned that one or more of my kids will lose out at Christmas because they are not wishing for something that she can make. Both of my boys just had birthdays. One got a gift from them and the other got no gift or card at all. This comes down to one child wanting something mom can make and the other not (necessarily) wanting that.

 

For a little history, I can tell you my folks have never been good about planning for birthdays or Christmas. When I was a kid, there were lots of times things were inequitable between the siblings and one of us got scrimped compared to another, though nobody got anything extravagant. So, there is a part of me that figures I should just leave it alone, let the chips fall where they may and it may be that the kids might have to learn the same lesson I did about this. My parents have no money and they don't plan well enough to offset that in clever ways. But another part of me would like to just avert the potential mess and possibly relieve them of something they may figure is just their duty. Lord knows, we don't need another thing to come through the doors, but I'm not preventing other people from giving gifts, so...:confused: Maybe my motives are wrong.

 

What do you think?

[The Girls' Mom]

:grouphug: good luck. I attempted to tell my dad and stepmom that a couple years ago, since neither of them had a job, and had a child at home still. I just made my stepmom mad, and still didn't stop the gifts. :glare:

[Parker Martin]

I don't think you can tell grandparents no gifts. It will always hurt their feelings. I would try to come up with make-able gift suggestions for each child.

[Guest]

This is not encouraging news. :tongue_smilie:

[MathGirl]

I don't think you can tell grandparents no gifts. It will always hurt their feelings. I would try to come up with make-able gift suggestions for each child.

 

I agree with this. Is there a way they can combine gifts thus saving money? For example, my parents usually get my kids a subscription to a magazine (like National Geographic for Kids). One subscription that all 3 of the kids enjoy. Maybe they could get a DVD all your kids would like or even a book that you could read aloud to all the kids at bedtime? Or how about a "Day with Grandma and Grandpa" where the kids go to their house and do something fun like bake cookies and watch a favorite movie with popcorn or do something else Christmas-related? Good luck!

[Mommy22alyns]

IME, it doesn't work. We ended up with total crap that we had to return the year we didn't give MIL specific ideas for the girls. I learned my lesson.

[rhrice3]

For years, I tried to get my family to forget about gifts at Christmas. I even suggested we all take a trip somewhere warm, etc. They completely ignored me. Then I tried to get them to forget about adult gifts, and this suggestion, also, was frowned upon. The problem here was not financial, but I just get tired of all the commercialism and quite frankly, we are affluent and don't spend alot but buy what we want!

 

On the other hand, my husband's parents sound like yours, except for the financial issue. His whole life they did or did not celebrate birthdays, etc. His birthday is close to Christmas so he would typically get forgotten while his brother might get a $200 tennis racquet (and this was 20 yrs ago). They never remembered my birthday, and then one year after 15 yrs of marriage, they sent me a gift 3 weeks early. They have typically forgotten one or more of my children's birthdays. They don't see my children nearly as often as my family does so they really don't know what they might need, want, etc. Often times they have asked for a suggestion and then completely ignored it. Last Christmas they gave one dd this beautiful opal necklace that I am sure they bought years ago while living in Australia, and it was so much more extravagant than the other dd's gift, whose birthstone is opal. My husband and I just shake our heads, especially when he did not get a gift. All the kids are old enough now to notice these things, and they just take it in stride. I think sometimes my husband still gets a little sad when they mess up, but he has come to terms with it and constantly thanks me for reminding him of birthdays and sending gifts.

 

My sister, on the other hand, is unmarried without children, and she still expects to see my kids open their gifts from her. She passively refuses to mail them to me so my mom will end up shipping or bringing them when they visit. No one has ever spent the holidays with us - they all have to be at Mom's for the big days.

 

SOOOOOOOO I am wishing you Merry Christmas and good luck. I think that some people get so caught up in their own thoughts and desires during the holidays that they refuse to listen to suggestions or changes or sometimes see the big picture - the birth of our Lord. Thanks for hearing me vent - and peace!

ReneeR

[Guest]

I agree with this. Is there a way they can combine gifts thus saving money? For example, my parents usually get my kids a subscription to a magazine (like National Geographic for Kids). One subscription that all 3 of the kids enjoy. Maybe they could get a DVD all your kids would like or even a book that you could read aloud to all the kids at bedtime? Or how about a "Day with Grandma and Grandpa" where the kids go to their house and do something fun like bake cookies and watch a favorite movie with popcorn or do something else Christmas-related? Good luck!

 

They will not buy something new, even if it were for all 3 to share. They would do that with something bought second-hand, but then I obviously can't really make suggestions, since second-hand things are just luck-of-the-draw. The "Day with..." suggestion is a really nice idea, but they are both very limited physically. :sad: Their house is also not suitable (think something along the line of the Hoarders show); my youngest has never even been to their house.

[QuirkyKapers]

I tried this. I thought my grandma would have a heart attack right on the spot when I told her she didn't need to get the kids gifts.

[Mrs Mungo]

Did you see the clever homemade gifts thread? There were some great ideas there. Like, the collapsible tents. If they could do those, then take them the wood bits and say, "I had this idea, but I am not good at sewing/putting this stuff together. Maybe you guys could do this and gift it to the kids yourself? Because they would love it "

[EmilyK]

Our parents are getting older, so this may not be a fit if yours are younger, but for both cost and convenience reasons, I/we buy gifts and wrap them from the grandparents, and of course tell the grandparents what "they" got the kids. It seems to have been a relief for all involved.

[Rosy]

Why don't you give the kids three options that Grandma can make, and tell them they *have* to pick one of these? You could maybe even pick the fabric (or let the kids pick it) and buy it yourself if that is an option for you. "Hey MIL, I happen to know that DS would really like a drawstring bag. Also, I found this fabric the other day that I'm sure he would like since he's so into tractors right now, and was wondering if you would like it?" She'll probably see through it, but she might appreciate the help.

 

Otherwise, it might be a great opportunity to teach your kids how to graciously accept gifts they don't like. We're working on this one ourselves.

[Guest]

Did you see the clever homemade gifts thread? There were some great ideas there. Like, the collapsible tents. If they could do those, then take them the wood bits and say, "I had this idea, but I am not good at sewing/putting this stuff together. Maybe you guys could do this and gift it to the kids yourself? Because they would love it "

 

That is a really good idea. I'll have to check out that thread; I did see it, but didn't read it through.

[Catwoman]

If she sews, maybe you could ask for wool scarves for the kids or something. Emphasize that the dc will think of them every time they get dressed to go outside. :tongue_smilie: Or maybe throw pillows for their beds.

 

It's a tough situation. No matter what you do, it sounds like the kids will get things they don't want, so you might as well think of something that's cheap and easy to make, and suggest it.

 

Perhaps some hideous placemats with their names on them would fit the bill. ;)

[Tap]

What about asking if she minded putting together a family gift basket this year instead of individual gifts.

 

A movie basket would be easy and fun for her to put together. You may be able to give her a few suggestions for movie titles, and then ideas for food tie-ins. That way it will include everyone in one gift with no equality issues.

 

You may give her suggestions for add ins like

 

non-perishable Ice cream Sunday items (sprinkles, ice cream cups, cones, toppings)

Popcorn- corn (regular or micro), toppings like seasoning salts for popcorn, popcorn bowl or paper wrappers

Movie candy- many stores like walmart sell theater style boxes of candy now.

Movie tie-ins--Polar Express book with the same movie. Or just a non-branded tie-in like small train toy/ornaments to go with the movie.

Drinks like glass bottled sodas (Jones makes some fun flavors), Seltzer with flavors to add in.

 

 

Maybe, just maybe LOL it can become the new family tradition. :0) A nice family gift can be made for $20 or if she wants to do more, she can, but it is equal.

[happyhomemaker]

I don't think you can tell grandparents no gifts. It will always hurt their feelings. I would try to come up with make-able gift suggestions for each child.

 

:iagree: My parents are going through a hard time financially right now, but I know it would really upset them if I told them not to give the kids presents. I think the amount of distress such a conversation would cause would do more harm than good.

[Guest]

You all are giving me some good ideas. I think I'm going to e-mail my mom some suggestions (which is, in itself, uncomfortable) that will give her a lot of ideas and options. Here's what I've come up with so far:

 

DD14: loves baking and cooking; would love a cookbook, especially for cookies or cakes. I may say she would love "old favorite" cookbooks, or something like that, as a way to say used is fine. I would suggest an apron, but she has done that before. I could suggest a Bible cover, which is what she made me last year.

DS12: loves anything Ravens (football). Or even just purple/black - maybe a pillow for his bed?

DS7: Hmmm. This is hard because she's given him a pillow, a sleeping bag and a pillow-pet. She's made him a library tote. She made little sleeping bags for his stuffed animals (this was so cute!). Maybe an apron. I'll have to think about this.

[happypamama]

My almost 7yo boy would like dress-up stuff -- cape, knight's tunic, vest (great for being a colonial boy or a pirate), eyepatch, hat, sheath for a sword. Or a knapsack for collecting treasures. If your son likes being outside, maybe a backpack, pencil roll, and/or notebook cover for nature outings would be a good idea. I love the idea of a play tent or fort too!

 

PS -- When emailing her with ideas, I'd play up the idea that they would love something that only Grandma could provide -- a favorite cookbook (or possibly a collection of her favorite recipes), or something that she sewed for them.

Edited December 6, 2011 by happypamama