How to deal with a negative son

[cjgrubbs]

When he gets a problem wrong or thinks it is just too hard he makes negative comments. Everything is a downer to him. He complains about most subjects we study. He also prefers to have me sitting with him for EVERY.SINGLE.THING, but I can't, especially this year since I'm adding in my K'er who went to preschool last year.

 

And it isn't just school. It seems like his glass is always half empty. There is never anything good for breakfast, never anything good for a snack, on and on and on.

 

This child struggles making friends and when in Public school usually would have 1 friend in his class and that would be it.

 

The negativity often turns into disrespect bc as you talk negatively it's hard to not be disrespectful to your mom/teacher.

 

I don't know how to discipline this effectively. I also struggle bc I want to finish our school work in a timely manner so we can move on to other things and I do work from home in the afternoons so I simply can't have our school days drag out all day until dad gets home. Dad also has less patience with him about this then I do and no one really wants Dad doing lessons with him :tongue_smilie:.

 

Any one have a negative boy like this? How can I help him?

[gardenmom5]

Any one have a negative boy like this? How can I help him?

 

yes. first - write down everything he does that is not "normal", or makes it hard for him to do his school work/other. take it and him to your dr, what you describe is indicative of issues that need more treatment (not drugs) than you can do by yourself at home. possibly learning disabilities that can be successfully treated, often by therapies that help rewire the brain.

 

I have a SPD/ASD/anxiety-disorder son who is very negative, so I have a bias. He "can't do that". He's afraid of doing something wrong, and needs constant assurance it's okay to make mistakes (I've been repeating this to him for two years now) - that's why we practice. He has a very difficult time focusing on the current task, and I constantly have to redirect him. sometimes he has to be allowed to be doing something else while we're doing lessons so part of his brain can actually pay attention to the lesson. it varies from day to day - some days he's better, and other days . . . we're in process of finally being able to start some services and they can't start soon enough.

[AK_Mom4]

Which son is this? I can see a 3rd grader who is a bit anxious in general (and expresses that as negativity) needing lots of 1-on-1 attention. It might not be reasonable for him to be working independently at that age - even if you really really want him to!

 

If this is the 6th grader, then it's a different picture entirely.

[Guest submarines]

When he gets a problem wrong or thinks it is just too hard he makes negative comments. Everything is a downer to him. He complains about most subjects we study. He also prefers to have me sitting with him for EVERY.SINGLE.THING, but I can't, especially this year since I'm adding in my K'er who went to preschool last year.

 

And it isn't just school. It seems like his glass is always half empty. There is never anything good for breakfast, never anything good for a snack, on and on and on.

 

This child struggles making friends and when in Public school usually would have 1 friend in his class and that would be it.

 

The negativity often turns into disrespect bc as you talk negatively it's hard to not be disrespectful to your mom/teacher.

 

I don't know how to discipline this effectively. I also struggle bc I want to finish our school work in a timely manner so we can move on to other things and I do work from home in the afternoons so I simply can't have our school days drag out all day until dad gets home. Dad also has less patience with him about this then I do and no one really wants Dad doing lessons with him :tongue_smilie:.

 

Any one have a negative boy like this? How can I help him?

 

 

:grouphug: My 9yo DD is quite negative. Her first words in the morning are often, "Mom, you know what's wrong?" :D She does want me to sit with her for her lessons.

 

I kept rereading your post, hoping to come up with words of wisdom, but I really don't have any. It is very hard to have a negative child, and there's no quick fix. It is a long, slow process.

 

We've tried "Three Things I'm grateful for" at night, which didn't work out well, as instead of focusing on the positives of her day, she focused on the negatives, and on more than 3!

 

We tried a number of self esteem meditations and books. Her self talk improved a lot, and I often hear her say "I'm good at it. I can do it." So that's an improvement.

 

She is much less negative when she gets enough sleep, but getting enough sleep is often tricky as she is an extemely light sleeper, with frequent night terrors and insomnia. We started melatonin about a week ago, and she is doing better in all aspects, negativity included.

 

I do see improvements over the years. She notices her nagative self talk, and often can snap out of it, especially with help.

 

We are classically inspired, not classical homeschoolers, so I'm of no help at all with regards to schooling. With her anxiety, perfectionism and negativity my primary goal is to help her with her emotional regulation and self esteem and since I also believe in delayed academics, we don't have the struggles that I would have had with her were I adhering to classical education model more closely. It was a difficult choice, and not that I never have doubts about it, but this is simply where we are at right now. She excells in the projects of her choice, and I believe this helps her in all other aspects, even if she will need to play catch up later. I try to introduce parent initiated materials at intervals, and it is still hit and miss, but I can see a slow progression.

 

I do not discipline for the negativity, even if it overflows into disrespect. I talk about it, and how it makes me feel, but she already feels *awful* about her negativity. It is something she often can't control, she doesn't do it on purpose. She wishes she wasn't this way. So it is a delicate balance between helping her to accept herself the way she is, negativity and all, and to like herself the way she is, and helping her to regulate it better and not to put herself in the position of being controlled by her negative thoughts.

 

Not sure if the above is helpful to you. I hope you receive more suggestions. I just wanted to say that I know only too well that a negative child is extremely difficult to deal with, and even be with. It affects every aspect of your life. One thing I noticed though, that we go through rougher phases once or twice a year, and then things get better.

 

:grouphug:

[eternalknot]

Sounds like you have a Davy Downer on your hands :grouphug:

 

I'm not really sure that's something you can truly discipline, being that it is so tied to someone's general personality and outlook. I do believe you can teach someone to better manage his pessimism, which has the side benefit of making him an easier person to be around. Not just for your sake, but for the sake of any peers the child has (or hopes to have).

 

A common saying around here (and it always elicits eye-rolling from the kids) is this: You're entitled to feel what you do, but we're entitled to be left out of it. Essentially, you're welcome to whatever down and miserable thoughts you care to harbor, but it's not acceptable to drag down the rest of us with your whiny moods. We don't have to share EVERYTHING ;).

 

I have a nephew who is a perfectionist, and very black/white in his thinking. He's smart, and is insulted by some of his schoolwork (and flat out sees no point in the others, some of which I agree but some he's just not wise enough to see the merit of yet). I don't homeschool him, but I'm the one who helps him with homework. It's not typically my most favoritest part of the day IYKWIM. He can be such a downer, and truly I just don't like being around people who are consistently like that; even if I love them.

 

So that's how we approach it. "Nephew, you're kind of a downer, man. Take five to get over it, and call me back when you're ready to work." I explain that it's disrespectful of my time and selfish of him to expect that I am able and willing to sit there while he whines and moan about something that's not even negotiable. Like I have nothing better to do? He understands that. He just needs constant reminders LOL. When he's respectful of my time, I gladly return to help. During the transition phase, there were things that got delayed due to my having to stop/start with him. Dinner, for instance. Sports. He learned that his actions affect all of the family, not just him.

 

Oops, time to pick them up from school. I'll be back later with more. I can related to the stalled schooling and Dad issue, too.

[Guest submarines]

Sounds like you have a Davy Downer on your hands :grouphug:

 

I'm not really sure that's something you can truly discipline, being that it is so tied to someone's general personality and outlook. I do believe you can teach someone to better manage his pessimism, which has the side benefit of making him an easier person to be around. Not just for your sake, but for the sake of any peers the child has (or hopes to have).

 

A common saying around here (and it always elicits eye-rolling from the kids) is this: You're entitled to feel what you do, but we're entitled to be left out of it. Essentially, you're welcome to whatever down and miserable thoughts you care to harbor, but it's not acceptable to drag down the rest of us with your whiny moods. We don't have to share EVERYTHING ;).

 

I have a nephew who is a perfectionist, and very black/white in his thinking. He's smart, and is insulted by some of his schoolwork (and flat out sees no point in the others, some of which I agree but some he's just not wise enough to see the merit of yet). I don't homeschool him, but I'm the one who helps him with homework. It's not typically my most favoritest part of the day IYKWIM. He can be such a downer, and truly I just don't like being around people who are consistently like that; even if I love them.

 

So that's how we approach it. "Nephew, you're kind of a downer, man. Take five to get over it, and call me back when you're ready to work." I explain that it's disrespectful of my time and selfish of him to expect that I am able and willing to sit there while he whines and moan about something that's not even negotiable. Like I have nothing better to do? He understands that. He just needs constant reminders LOL. When he's respectful of my time, I gladly return to help. During the transition phase, there were things that got delayed due to my having to stop/start with him. Dinner, for instance. Sports. He learned that his actions affect all of the family, not just him.

 

Oops, time to pick them up from school. I'll be back later with more. I can related to the stalled schooling and Dad issue, too.

 

This is what I do as well. It is getting easier and easier for her to cooperate.

[itsheresomewhere]

We have a whining jar/ excessive negativity jar in the house. It is 5 cents a offense after so many warnings. When the jar is filled to goes to mommy for lunch out, family activities that were planned in advance, etc.

[MeganW]

When he gets a problem wrong or thinks it is just too hard he makes negative comments. Everything is a downer to him. He complains about most subjects we study. He also prefers to have me sitting with him for EVERY.SINGLE.THING, but I can't, especially this year since I'm adding in my K'er who went to preschool last year.

 

And it isn't just school. It seems like his glass is always half empty. There is never anything good for breakfast, never anything good for a snack, on and on and on.

 

This child struggles making friends and when in Public school usually would have 1 friend in his class and that would be it.

 

The negativity often turns into disrespect bc as you talk negatively it's hard to not be disrespectful to your mom/teacher.

 

I don't know how to discipline this effectively. I also struggle bc I want to finish our school work in a timely manner so we can move on to other things and I do work from home in the afternoons so I simply can't have our school days drag out all day until dad gets home. Dad also has less patience with him about this then I do and no one really wants Dad doing lessons with him :tongue_smilie:.

 

Any one have a negative boy like this? How can I help him?

 

I have one kid like this.

 

- for work that I know up front is going to be hard "now, how many tries does it take to get the hang of something?" "10." "Yep, 10 tries. Today is the FIRST try." It's always exciting to get it in 4 tries instead of the "expected" 10. I make a big point of it not counting as a try unless you really make an effort with a good attitude.

 

- she used to complain about food. "Oh. We are having oatmeal?" "You sound like you don't want it - you don't have to eat it if you don't want to, but don't talk about it. It's disrespectful to the cook, and it ruins it for everybody else." And I would sweep the plate away. Don't like it, don't eat it, but don't talk about it. And NOTHING else until the next scheduled meal. It's amazing how much better that oatmeal looks when your realize that your choice is to eat it happily or not eat!

 

- my kids aren't really old enough to work independently, but I would be really tempted to say "you may do it now, or later instead of swimming / bedtime story / friend bday party / other fun event - it's completely up to you to decide". I would bet if he missed a few fun things he would be more prone to work! And if he doesn't want to work during schooltime, maybe he should go lie on his bed (no books, no toys) until he feels like working WITH A SMILE?

[Catwoman]

How old is your son? I know you have three boys, and I think many of us will have entirely different responses to your concerns depending on the age of the child. What I'd suggest you do with a 5 year-old is different from what I might try with a 9 year-old.

[Rosie_0801]

Use some variant of "Yeah that sucks, but at least ..." Eventually he'll grow up enough that he won't need you to supply the "but at least..."

 

Rosie

[cjgrubbs]

Which son is this? I can see a 3rd grader who is a bit anxious in general (and expresses that as negativity) needing lots of 1-on-1 attention. It might not be reasonable for him to be working independently at that age - even if you really really want him to!

 

If this is the 6th grader, then it's a different picture entirely.

 

It's the 6th grader! Should have said that. Yes, 3rd grader does VERY little on his own, which is ok. I do expect 6th grader to do math problems independently, though he is welcome to skip one if he has a question and ask when I'm not teaching the others. He also works on his grammar independently and reads independently.

[Halcyon]

Could he be suffering from clinical depression?

[AK_Mom4]

With a 6th grader (11yo? 12yo?), you have hope that the complaining and objecting is just a habit. I would try first the "over exposure" technique. Keep track on a white board or piece of paper where he can see it - make a mark for each positive and each negative comment. Let him see visually and point out to him each time he does it. Also, make him do the "3 good things" each morning - and don't let him skive off with negatives ("I didn't die last night").

 

I think those of us who are not naturally "glass half full" people find it a challenge to learn to look at the bright side of things. I am definitly this way and so is my middle son. But the behavior (griping and complaining) can definitely be changed if you work at it.

[elfgivas]

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin E. P. Seligman (Paperback - Jan 3, 2006)

 

 

 

The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and BuildLifelong Resilience by Martin E. P. Seligman (Paperback - Sep 17, 2007)

 

if he really is seeing things negatively, rather than using it to get out of work, get your attention, etc, then its worth the time to help him learn to alter his viewpoint.

 

suggestions in these books include things like writing down three positive things in a book each night before bed (we do it at dinner as a family). it means that the last things you think about together are positive. if he can't find three, suggest the next morning that he keep his eyes open for his three during the day, and model it. you see a bluejay at the bird feeder, and say "that's the first of my three things. see how blue he is? that is beautiful." etc.

 

another is to talk about pictures and framing. take a print of a picture. "frame" it with different colors of construction paper and see how the different frames change what you focus on in the picture. some things are brought out, others recede, etc. then talk about how the picture itself did not change, but our perception of it changes and that changes how we feel about it. we get to choose the frame, even if we don't get to choose the picture.... then choose some of his negative things and work at re-framing them so that they aren't so bad.

 

:grouphug: its good that you've noticed and want to help!

ann

[mcconnellboys]

I have a son with anxiety problems who does this (we also have depression in our family, so some of that may come into play, too). He was really beginning to do this a LOT a couple of years ago and I began talking to him at length about it, giving him examples of how such talk would just make him and everyone around him feel worse. I also gave him examples of "what ifs" regarding myself or others in the family, asking him how he would feel if we handled different specific experiences in our lives very negatively all the time. Using examples for others seemed to help him a lot. Also, just telling him that he had a choice and suggesting some other ways he could handle things whenever he felt grumpiness or negativity coming on seemed to help him.

[cjgrubbs]

Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin E. P. Seligman (Paperback - Jan 3, 2006)

 

 

 

The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and BuildLifelong Resilience by Martin E. P. Seligman (Paperback - Sep 17, 2007)

 

if he really is seeing things negatively, rather than using it to get out of work, get your attention, etc, then its worth the time to help him learn to alter his viewpoint.

 

suggestions in these books include things like writing down three positive things in a book each night before bed (we do it at dinner as a family). it means that the last things you think about together are positive. if he can't find three, suggest the next morning that he keep his eyes open for his three during the day, and model it. you see a bluejay at the bird feeder, and say "that's the first of my three things. see how blue he is? that is beautiful." etc.

 

another is to talk about pictures and framing. take a print of a picture. "frame" it with different colors of construction paper and see how the different frames change what you focus on in the picture. some things are brought out, others recede, etc. then talk about how the picture itself did not change, but our perception of it changes and that changes how we feel about it. we get to choose the frame, even if we don't get to choose the picture.... then choose some of his negative things and work at re-framing them so that they aren't so bad.

 

:grouphug: its good that you've noticed and want to help!

ann

I have requested both of these books from our library system - Thank you for the suggestions.

 

I will try the frame idea too!

 

I don't think he is clinically depressed bc he goes out and happily plays outside with his brothers and he enjoys his reading which he narrates successfully to me.

 

And just to be clear, I don't discipline him for being negative...but when the negativity spirals into whining and disrepectfulness I do ask him to stop and if he doesn't there are consequences. At this point my main consequence for him is loss of computer/screen time. He loves to play on the computer and I only allow him about 1 hour per day of computer/TV/DS - they can choose which one or a combination but 1 hour total for all screen time (this doesn't count school work - typing or research.)

 

Thanks for all the suggestions!