Bullying

[heartosunshine]

My ds, 6th grade, told me last week that kids in his class were playing a "game". If you said something at the same time as someone else, everyone says, "Jinx" and then whoever talks first after that gets punched. :001_huh: He had been punched a few times over a few days. I checked his ribs & belly but there were no bruises. There was another kid who apparently was punched much harder.

 

I emailed the teacher asking her to call me, which she did, and I told her what happened. She assured me that she would discuss it with the other teacher & the principal & they would handle it. That day, when my ds got home, he said that she made an announcement in class that if anyone punches anybody, it's an immediate suspension. She went on to explain that it's bullying, etc. My ds says no one has punched since then.

 

But, today, I find out that some kid (different from the punching kid) keeps grabbing his arm & digging in his fingernails as hard as he can. My ds told him to stop, the kid didn't and so my ds said he was going to tell the teacher. The kid stopped after that. My ds told me instead of his teacher & he has marks on his arm although it didn't draw blood.

 

Of course, I'll contact the teacher again, but this is ridiculous! It is not my son's natural instinct to fight back but he doesn't cower in the corner either. He keeps asking me, "What is the matter with these kids?"

 

This is a brand new charter school, K-6, so everyone is a "new student". It's also math & science focus, college prep, yada yada. I'm really starting to second-guess my decision to send him there. I really thought it would be a higher caliber of students. :confused:

 

Should I just teach him to defend himself like others on the main board have said to previous posters?

 

ETA: Defend himself by physical force if necessary?

[Little Nyssa]

I don't have an answer, but :grouphug:

[happygrrl]

:grouphug: So sad about this. Prayers for you both!

[Mrs. A]

:grouphug: I don't know what the answer is for you. I'm absolutely positive that my DH would say for him to fight back. My dad always said the same thing- as long as you did not start the fight, it is absolutely OK to defend yourself. But I wonder if there is anything else he could do first, like is there a way to completely avoid this other boy?

[Pamela H in Texas]

I think your son has done fine. He contacted "the authorities." He let the one kid know he *would* contact "the authorities." And it was/will be handled. Yes, there is something wrong. Your ds's instinct to handle it maturely is correct. I wouldn't encourage him to try to prove might makes right. Seriously, it doesn't EVER and there is ALWAYS someone mightier than thou.

 

I would be praising my son. At his age, I would be encouraging him to advocate for himself and making it clear that you have his back. He can firmly, loudly tell the bully that he may not treat him that way. He can go to the principal and state that there is a real issue with the students and that something needs to be done. He can head a student committee that works with the administration to fix the problem. He can help brainstorm other issues and insist others do the same. And the whole time, you can "have his back" doing your part (possibly a parent committee that works with the students and faculty or some other such solution). NOTE: Not suggesting any particular solution, just throwing out ideas to get your brainstorming started.

 

No, you and your son do not need to cower to bullying. You also don't need to just encourage him to be the bigger one. He will feel much more capable and make a longer lasting legacy for all students if he handles things maturely rather than as an undisciplined toddler.

[heartosunshine]

Thank you all. I really appreciate it.

 

:grouphug: I don't know what the answer is for you. I'm absolutely positive that my DH would say for him to fight back. My dad always said the same thing- as long as you did not start the fight, it is absolutely OK to defend yourself. But I wonder if there is anything else he could do first, like is there a way to completely avoid this other boy?

 

My DH is in the "fight back" camp. Only if necessary. He assures me that it would only have to happen once because then my ds wouldn't get picked on anymore. :sad:

 

I think your son has done fine. He contacted "the authorities." He let the one kid know he *would* contact "the authorities." And it was/will be handled. Yes, there is something wrong. Your ds's instinct to handle it maturely is correct. I wouldn't encourage him to try to prove might makes right. Seriously, it doesn't EVER and there is ALWAYS someone mightier than thou.

 

I would be praising my son. At his age, I would be encouraging him to advocate for himself and making it clear that you have his back. He can firmly, loudly tell the bully that he may not treat him that way. He can go to the principal and state that there is a real issue with the students and that something needs to be done. He can head a student committee that works with the administration to fix the problem. He can help brainstorm other issues and insist others do the same. And the whole time, you can "have his back" doing your part (possibly a parent committee that works with the students and faculty or some other such solution). NOTE: Not suggesting any particular solution, just throwing out ideas to get your brainstorming started.

 

No, you and your son do not need to cower to bullying. You also don't need to just encourage him to be the bigger one. He will feel much more capable and make a longer lasting legacy for all students if he handles things maturely rather than as an undisciplined toddler.

 

Thanks so much. I really needed this reassurance. I actually gave my kids an example of "loudly telling the bully" not to do that. Both kids stared at me like: :blink:. My dd says, "Wow, you say I'm dramatic!"

 

Also, too, he is very mature for his grade. Part of it is that he has a December birthday & also I think hs'ing him part of last year really changed him. In a good way, of course. :001_smile:

[heartosunshine]

I'm with your son re: 'what's wrong with these kids'?. Also, what is going on in the classroom that they have time to be out of their seats and with their hands on others?

 

I would sit down with the principal and the discipline code and ask how they'd like your son to handle it. Here it's done by the student notifiying the guidance counselor - that person will arrange for peer mediation or be the mediator. If it continues, the principal will call in the perp's parents and follow the discipline plan or refer for psych help.

 

The only thing I'd advise your son to do is not put himself in the position of letting these boys lay hands on him. If they are aggressive and go after him, he needs a strong, short, verbal offense which he needs to launch before they get close enough to lay hands on him. It should be direct - as in 'get away from me' said in a dispassionate, I've got other, better things to do voice.

 

It happens mostly in science class where they have a lot of "lab" time. That's why I've contacted that specific teacher so that she can get a handle on what's happening in her class.

 

I'll take a look at the discipline code, also. That's a good idea that I hadn't thought of. I was just following the "contact the teacher first" rule. But I'm quickly losing my patience.

 

We'll practice that "strong, short, verbal offense" at home. That was my best defense against physical attacks when I was in school. I'm not sure how it works for boys, though.

[cbollin]

Thank you all. I really appreciate it.

 

 

My DH is in the "fight back" camp. Only if necessary. He assures me that it would only have to happen once because then my ds wouldn't get picked on anymore. :sad:

 

 

 

I keep seeing this thread on the front page index and wanting to offer a few hugs even though i'm not an afterschooler. but my heart keeps going out to you as I see this thread....

 

My concern on the fight back approach.... what if it is your son who gets suspended for that?

 

granted, I'm not a boy

when I was in jr. high, I was picked on by the mean girl bully. She wasn't the bad kid stereotype either. I got away with hitting her back because the visual of little me (4'7") hitting on her at 5'6" was too funny for the principal to contain. I took her out. LOL

Now, I was one of the "good kids" with perfect grades. As I was hauled into the principals office for hitting, I said "well, why did you do nothing when she spent the last 3 weeks hitting me? I had enough of it."

 

and they let me walk out.

I'm not so sure in this day and age, that will happen.

 

I don't have a solution for you. just wanted to say it was the only fight I was in and they could have suspended me for it.

 

-crystal

Edited September 30, 2011 by cbollin
typos

[mommaduck]

Yep, your son could get in bigger trouble for fighting back. Had this happen to me several times in school. Kids knew they could pick on me because one of two things would happen, either I would fight back and get in trouble or I had to sit there and take it (elementary). My senior year in highschool, a guy shoved me off my stool and I socked him. I got suspended, he did not...even though I was female, he got physical with me, was two heads taller than me, and I was just barely 100lbs.

[jenbrdsly]

I use to teach at the first public charter school in California. It was a great school but... One thing about new Charter schools is that they can attract students and parents who had difficulty fitting in at traditional schools. So you tend to get a population that might have more social issues than in a traditional school. I'm not saying this refers to your family!!! :) But that would explain the other kids.

 

Good luck!

[cbollin]

agreeing of course with the go to guidance counselor and follow the action plan the school has.

 

I just remembered one tool out there that I saw at a convention once.

 

http://www.dontfeedthebully.com/

 

I haven't used it. I read it and it was for group schooling situations. I don't really remember much about it. Just wanted to say that tool is there.

 

I hated being picked on in school. :glare:

and I hated it when my oldest was physically beat up on a church bus. :glare:

 

-crystal

[Rhonda in TX]

Schools around here have a zero tolerance policy regarding fighting. It doesn't matter if you were just defending yourself. If you hit someone, you're going to get the same punishment as the instigator.

[wtrmlnlabs]

Just putting in my two cents... what about getting him a self defense class or something? I'm saying this because my boys and I take taekwondo and a major part of what we learn is wrist defense techniques. With this it's not so physical "fighting back". If someone would punch or grab at you you can just roll that into a grab where you have control. I'm sure I'm not explaining it well, but for me, if someone was digging their nails into me I'd grab their wrist and with a slight move I'd have control. You're not really hurting them, you have control. The person will realize pretty quick you are not one to mess with!

 

Hope that's making sense, a self defense class usually teaches similar techniques in a shorter time...

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[Haiku]

Unfortunately, this is what happens when you concentrate groups of kids. They test boundaries and act immature. I lived through this when I was in school. I'm of the opinion that schools can't really stop it. They can address each individual instance of bullying behavior, and each new "game" or flavor-of-the-week group-think idea that pops up, but, imo, the nature of concentrated groups of kids is that they become rather Lord-of-the-Flies like. And they are sneaky and will find ways to bully and act idiotic that the teachers don't see.

 

I'd say just threatening to tell is your son's best defense.

 

Tara

[Paige]

You can teach him to defend himself with defensive moves without hitting back. My DS had a few problems with bullying when he was in school. He knew a lot of self defense from taekwondo and was quite good at it. Most of the time, he did not respond but just knowing he knew what to do if the other kid escalated made him feel better. A few times, he did use a few blocks or other techniques to break a hold and it made an impact with the bully without him getting in trouble. I think kids should be able and given permission to defend themselves to the best of their ability. An adult is not always around and waiting to tell on them later still leaves the child vulnerable in the moment. What good is telling the teacher after you've been punched? You still got punched. He doesn't have to hit back or punch first, but knowing how to block a punch and get away so he can get help before he's hurt is different. Sure, there may always be a bigger kid or someone you can't get away from but that doesn't mean he should put up with it from everyone.

[heartosunshine]

Thanks for all your replies. And :grouphug: to all who have dc that were bullied. It's such a difficult situation.

 

An update: I sent the principal an email telling her what's been going on & requesting a meeting with her. She's meeting with the teachers & talking to the students and she should be getting back to me soon.

 

There has been no more punching or arm-squeezing attacks, thankfully. One of the main questions I have is the amount of supervision in between classes, at recess, etc. Being a new charter school, I'm not convinced that they're staffed appropriately. It's on my list of questions for the principal.