Talking to kids about Adoption

[JessReplanted]

Elli (5) has been talking about her birth mom A LOT lately.

I never know when she's going to tell someone new that "I have a birth mom." She is also making things up, like: "My birth mom lives far, far away." Or, that she lives in OH, or TX.

 

I just keep reminding Elli that we don't know where she lives.

 

From the beginning we have been open about Elli's adoption. All of our kids have a special photo-book about themselves as babies, and Elli's tells the story of how we were praying for a baby and how a very special woman was looking for a family for the baby that God was growing in her belly.

It has only been in this past year that Elli has really begin to understand that she didn't come out of my belly.

 

We want to do everything 'right', but I also don't want to burden a 5 year old with things that she can't understand. Am I supposed to say "I can't tell you about that right now?" She has asked me her birth mom's name, and I told her that I didn't know - although I do know, but the birth mom never wanted us to know who she was.

 

I have told her "Your birth mom loved you very much, and she wanted you to have be part of a family that loved you."

 

And I'm just waiting for her to say "If she loved me so much, why didn't she keep me?"

 

Any advice? Book suggestions?

 

Thanks!

Edited September 23, 2011 by JessReplanted

[Dobela]

For the name thing, we just told the first name of my son's birthmother.

[kiwi mum]

I have told her "Your birth mom loved you very much, and she wanted you to have be part of a family that loved you."

 

And I'm just waiting for her to say "If she loved me so much, why didn't she keep me?"

 

My sister had these kind of questions, especially when she found out that she had two older full sisters. As an adult she met her birth sisters and they shared with her what their childhood had been like. They told her that if she had a good childhood then their mother had done the right thing giving her up for adoption. Both the older girls had been abused by their stepfather. Loving a baby does not necessarily mean that you are equipped to care for them.

 

Yeah, I know, you can't explain that to a five year old, but it might help later on.

[CalicoKat]

Age 5 is when most of my kids have started to ask questions about their own adoption. Like you we've been open in talking about their adoptions with them, to a point. There is information they just don't need to know at this age. Like you we talk about how hard a decision it was and how loving a decision it was and how we don't know all the reasons for their birth mom's decision but we know it was done out of love for them. And that it's OK that we don't know. Someday though we may have the honor of asking our questions but we have to learn to be OK with the answers we do have.

 

When my littles struggle we sit down with their photo albums and go through it. At 5 they can remember lots of the stories of their "Gotcha." For a few of my kids there are pictures of their birth mom holding them.

 

Now my youngest son was like your daughter. Asking where she lived and who she was and if he how he would know here. When he asked a complete stranger if she was his birth mom we knew it was time to talk with him more.

 

Unfortunately we had to tell him that she had recently passed away. He said, "How did she die?" I couldn't tell him the horrible details. But we were able to tell him that she'd been very ill for a long time and the doctors weren't able to heal her.

 

I was so glad that he was only 5 and not 18 with this telling. We'd struggled because we didn't know when he needed to know that information. A couple months later we had to tell him the same about his birth father.

 

He is unusually deep in his thoughts. And when a complete answer would be overwhelming I tell him what I can. Sometimes I have to ask him to wait for an answer until he's older. He's been satisfied to know that I do have an answer.

 

Hug her. Tell her her story. Look at her pictures. For another of my kids I reassure her that I'm OK with her loving her birth mom too. It's possible for me to love 5 kids equally and so I know there's enough love in her heart for two moms, and all the people in her future who she'll love. Hearts are that way.

 

And listen to what you're saying. It's OK. You're not any less her mom because she's struggling right now. It's not a reflection on you're parenting, loving, and caring. This is her way of grieving her loss. :grouphug:

[SKL]

My kids are of a similar age, and my younger daughter is also very deep. She was talking to me at the park one day and it came up that she assumed her birth mother had died, and that was why she was cared for by a foster mom and then by me. I had told her her story, but apparently she needed a refresher.

 

I too wonder how much is enough and how much is too much for my kids' mind at any given time. The fact is, even if the birth mom made a loving choice, there were some people in the picture whose choices were not so charitable. Sooner or later, she will know everything I know, as it's really more her information than mine. But there's a right time, and for some of the stuff, now isn't the time.

 

I have gathered some books intended to cover tough questions adopted children have. Some that come to mind are "Did my first mother love me?," "You're not my real mother," "We see the moon," etc. I wish I could remember the name of the website where I found about a dozen good titles. Another thing that really speaks to me about birth moms in the adoption triad is the song, "I loved her first." (If you can ever listen to it again without tearing up, good for you!)

[texasmama]

Your dd has reached a developmental stage at which she has more questions...and this will continue. You are wise to figure out some answers now.

 

You might consider doing a "Life Book", a book that you put together WITH dd's help with the information about your family leading up to adoption, the information about her birth mom that you feel comfortable giving (a first name, a physical description) with some pictures of her "coming home day" and other important events. Laminate it and read it as your dd desires for as long as she desires. It will help to make this event concrete for her. She is still at a very concrete stage, but the questions will continue and become more detailed at each stage of her development.

[Denisemomof4]

 

Hug her. Tell her her story. Look at her pictures. For another of my kids I reassure her that I'm OK with her loving her birth mom too. It's possible for me to love 5 kids equally and so I know there's enough love in her heart for two moms, and all the people in her future who she'll love. Hearts are that way.

 

And listen to what you're saying. It's OK. You're not any less her mom because she's struggling right now. It's not a reflection on you're parenting, loving, and caring. This is her way of grieving her loss. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:My dd was only 2 when she started to talk about her birth mom. We were told that is HIGHLY unusual. When dd would tell me she loves her bm, I'd tell her that I did, too.

 

I would keep your conversations at a 5 year old level. I remember worrying SO MUCH that I was going to do things wrong, say the wrong thing, etc. It's easy to feel that way but you really shouldn't.

 

We went through a period where dd would talk about her birth mom every day, sometimes all through out the day. She'd wake up in the morning and say, "I wonder what my birth mom is wearing today? I bet she's wearing _____________" or, "I wonder what my birth mom is doing right now." This went on for years, and then I realized it was time to move on because it wasn't helping her. The last time she told me she wished I was Chinese, I finally said something like, "I know you do. You've told me this a million times." I said it in a loving way, not a scolding way. It's the last time she said it. Talking about her birth mom during that time made her very, very sad. Often times she'd cry. She rarely brings her up now and when she does, she never cries. I'm glad I helped her get "unstuck." I always let my dd direct the conversation, and I don't bring up her birth mom on my own.

 

I'm so glad to hear you all are so open about talking about adoption and the birth families. I know some people where it's a taboo subject, and I think that's so unfair for the child. We openly discuss things regularly, although we did SO much talking earlier on, it seems like she needs to discuss it less now.

 

There are lots of wonderful books out there that could help you if you're interested.

[HSMom2One]

All the suggestions and advice here have been so good. Aren't you glad we have this forum?

 

I just wanted to add that I will always remember when we were advised by our social worker during the home study to always present our child's story in a loving, positive way, and to always, always have a positive attitude about the birth parents so that there are healthy connections in place. That was a challenging thing in our case, because the situation was unbelievably heartbreaking. (We were related to the birthparents.) Yet despite this we were able to look past the tragedy and betrayal, and we were able to pull out a number of true facts that would help keep it positive for our child. This, I believe, is one of the main reasons she has maintained a secure and balanced disposition. As growth and maturity have brought increased curiosity and new questions, we've kept it positive but at the same time have added the details that she could handle and that have been appropriate for her to hear. I'm always amazed at how well these things are accepted. Yet I shouldn't be surprised at all. We have, after all, been loving, honest and positive about her life.

 

May God give you wisdom each and every day as you raise the precious life He has entrusted to you.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[KristinaBreece]

I'm so glad to read this thread!

 

Neither of my kids were adopted, but DH was, and DS is at an age now where he's talking a lot about family relationships. By little boy logic: "I came from my Mommy's tummy, and Grandma is Daddy's Mommy, so Daddy must have come from Grandma's tummy."

 

DH's parents are not so open to discussing adoption. They think they were wrong in being open with DH about it from the beginning because he had a hard time dealing with the "Why did she give ME up, and keep my younger brother?" as he got older.

 

So far, I've just told him that a different Mommy carried Daddy in her belly, and she loved him but couldn't take care of him, so Grandma, who loves babies but couldn't have one in her own belly, took Daddy home with her. Then a big emphasis on how love is more important than biology WRT what makes a family.

[SKL]

I meant to add a book recommendation. Not sure of the "exact" title, but it's pretty popular in the adoption community. Something about "20 things adoptees wish their adoptive parents knew."

[JessReplanted]

I meant to add a book recommendation. Not sure of the "exact" title, but it's pretty popular in the adoption community. Something about "20 things adoptees wish their adoptive parents knew."

 

I actually bought this book right around the time that we adopted Elli. Personally, I did not find it to be helpful at all. I felt like it was written by someone who was having a difficult time dealing with wounds and bitterness from a challenging family situation - and I thought that most of the "20 Things" could apply to children from divorced or blended families also, and not just adoptees.

[JessReplanted]

You might consider doing a "Life Book", a book that you put together WITH dd's help with the information about your family leading up to adoption, the information about her birth mom that you feel comfortable giving (a first name, a physical description) with some pictures of her "coming home day" and other important events. Laminate it and read it as your dd desires for as long as she desires. It will help to make this event concrete for her. She is still at a very concrete stage, but the questions will continue and become more detailed at each stage of her development.

 

Thanks for the suggestion. She does have something like this in her baby photobook. We have a picture of our family before she was born, a picture of her in the hospital, one of her first days at home, and a picture of her adoption day.

[JessReplanted]

Thanks for all of your insight.

 

What I am hearing is that these kinds of comments are normal, and that I need to relax and continue keeping it simple. Thanks for letting me know that we are doing o.k. My husband especially has a hard time talking about adoption with Elli (it makes him very uncomfortable - I don't know why), so all of the responsibility kind of falls on me. And I really want to make sure that I am handling this the right way. Thanks!

[Spryte]

 

And I'm just waiting for her to say "If she loved me so much, why didn't she keep me?"

 

 

We've always told our son that his birthmother loved him very much, but she wasn't able or ready to take care of any baby, and she wanted him to have a mommy and a daddy. DS is 7, and really seems to get this. We go through phases, sometimes he has more questions than others. I think it really started right about age 5, so your daughter is right on target. :)

 

Also, DH was adopted and his parents framed the adoption the same way - that his birthparents loved him deeply, just were not ready to care for a baby (not him, *any* baby). DH grew up with nothing but love and respect for his birthparents and their choice for him.

[HSMom2One]

Like I mentioned in my previous post, we had a wise social worker who gave us really great counseling during the adoption process. I don't want to cause anyone to be troubled by this, but I feel that another point she made needs to be brought up in this thread.

 

When it comes to adoption, it's wise to consider that the child will process the same information over and over again throughout their life, and at different levels of maturity. What they may understand and accept as a 5-year old may look and feel very different to them when they are 13, and again at 20, and so on. Adoptive parents need to be aware of this and be ready to support their children through the various stages. It might not be a bad idea to have some conversations planned and rehearsed ahead of time if at all possible. At least be aware of the fact that issues just might come up again, even after you thought they had been processed, grieved over and accepted long ago.

 

We have been fortunate in our family so far, but nothing would surprise us up ahead so we are trying to be ready if and when we hear about something again.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda