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I quit.


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My oldest daughter is 2600 miles away. She called with bad news from her doctor. She'll be undergoing testing for the next two weeks.

 

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I always miss my mom during the start of Fall. I get melancholy even if life is great. It was her favorite season.

 

My mom raised a bunch o children..many many many many...some of her own, some not...anyway..I can hear my Mom in my memory saying..

 

"I can't take one more thing today, I mean it!"...and she wore this particular look on her face that said she meant business.

 

The children would scatter and not come back inside until late at night. We'd watch from the darkened fields outside the house for her bedroom light to shut off in her window. We knew it was okay to come back in then, but very quietly and all.

 

Shoes off before you walked in the door..try not to make any noise..the whole shebang..tip toe..ssh...whatever you do, do not awaken her...

 

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Now I don't rule the roost here like she did. But man, if I were to up and look in the mirror right now, I'd see her staring back at me in my own reflection..wearing that same look of genuine exasperation.

 

I am so totally there right now.

 

Worrying over my kids is really taking a toll.

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I'm going to set an appt. with my doctor. I am so exhausted, I don't think I've slept right since May.

 

I know me, it's only going to get worse with this newest stressor. I cannot sleep when my kids are sick. Never have been able to. I'm really tired out.

 

We are discussing plane tickets to fly me back home.

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I'm going to have to write a list with my self care on it.

 

1. Take your vitamins

2. Did you eat properly?

 

blah blah blah

 

I have to do stuff like this when the waters get rough or I won't do it. It's almost funny being a mother to yourself so that you can mother.

 

I just want to publically say that the really good cry I've held in for months, well, she blew today.

 

God I could of won an Emmy or something had it been filmed. lol

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Thanks for being more specific for me even though you were under no obligation to do so.

I will SO pray for you! YES, YOU DO NEED SLEEP! I will pray that you get not only sleep but RESTFUL sleep.

Have you tried drinking tea with Valerian Root as the first ingredient? Works wonders and is not a synthetic drug! Woot!

 

As for missing your mom, I get that. My dad passed away years ago, but every once in awhile (like the other day!) something will pop up that makes me remember him and miss him SO much. I'm with ya!

 

It's no wonder the hair color industry is so thriving, what with all the grey hairs are kids give us!

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I had a good meltdown with my sister on the phone, just bawled like a baby..you know, that kind of weird wailing grief sob women can do...it's scary to hear that sound come out of your body, it really is. It is like total loss of control.

 

She said, "You get to the doctor, like yesterday, you are done for."

 

I told her I'd been sleeping on the living room floor at night with a fan on me, the body tension wakes me up and I sit up, have to stretch myself out, lay back down, wiggle for a bit, sleep (it's not real sleep) for about 10 minutes and I'm awake again. Oh, and the nightmares, the nightsweats are terrible.

 

I'm having memory lapses (I think?) and just feel a physical defeat from the sleep.

 

She asked me to talk to my doctor about menopause, I'm 46. (did I really just have to do the math? lol) anyway, it might be some of that..and just some generalized anxiety from never catching a break for months on end.

 

I'm so accustomed to being a single mother at war with the world (and winning) everyday, that feeling this way is really psychologically uncomfortable and somehow...it feels...

 

shameful

 

I want my mother. Wah.

 

and a teddybear and hot chocolate would be nice too..and some french toast..and a cool washcloth..a fresh rose from someone that loves me..and um...what else...

 

a new white shirt, a pedicure, a salon visit and um...oh heck..how about some candles that smell pretty and um....

 

lol, you get the idea

 

Oh, I forgot to say I'm going Thursday for a checkup. I'm going to ask them to check my FSH levels if they can. I've only one ovary (no uterus) so I'm thinking it could be related. I am not myself.

Edited by one*mom
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Oh, I get the idea. I want my mil so bad. She took such tender care of me when I had a miscarriage , and always seemed to show up at just the right time with fresh baked bread and soup. Such a huge hole in my life.

 

 

 

I had a good meltdown with my sister on the phone, just bawled like a baby..you know, that kind of weird wailing grief sob women can do...it's scary to hear that sound come out of your body, it really is. It is like total loss of control.

 

She said, "You get to the doctor, like yesterday, you are done for."

 

I told her I'd been sleeping on the living room floor at night with a fan on me, the body tension wakes me up and I sit up, have to stretch myself out, lay back down, wiggle for a bit, sleep (it's not real sleep) for about 10 minutes and I'm awake again. Oh, and the nightmares, the nightsweats are terrible.

 

I'm having memory lapses (I think?) and just feel a physical defeat from the sleep.

 

She asked me to talk to my doctor about menopause, I'm 46. (did I really just have to do the math? lol) anyway, it might be some of that..and just some generalized anxiety from never catching a break for months on end.

 

I'm so accustomed to being a single mother at war with the world (and winning) everyday, that feeling this way is really psychologically uncomfortable and somehow...it feels...

 

shameful

 

I want my mother. Wah.

 

and a teddybear and hot chocolate would be nice too..and some french toast..and a cool washcloth..a fresh rose from someone that loves me..and um...what else...

 

a new white shirt, a pedicure, a salon visit and um...oh heck..how about some candles that smell pretty and um....

 

lol, you get the idea

 

Oh, I forgot to say I'm going Thursday for a checkup. I'm going to ask them to check my FSH levels if they can. I've only one ovary (no uterus) so I'm thinking it could be related. I am not myself.

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Oh Good Lord, I have to make someone's dinner. I don't think I can do this.

 

I'm gonna open that fridge and bust into tears all over again, and no one is gonna understand why.

 

I better do it before they get home. lol

 

I haven't picked up my pillow and blanket off the living room floor yet even. I have less an hour to get it together.

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