Please talk me down off the ledge!!!!

[thowell]

I am so sick of fighting with dd11. Remind me again why I am doing this. She hates everything about school. It doesn't matter what curriculum I use she hates it. Everything is a battle. Not just in school but in life! Anything she is asked to do she gives attitude. She has no respect for me at all and argues with everything I say. Wednesday she was made to complete her school work in her room alone and spend the rest of the day there. Honestly I just couldn't look at her anymore. Then yesterday we had co-op. Today right back to where we were Wednesday. Then she cries says how sorry she is and will do better. An hour later she does it all over again. I can't seem to make any progress with her. And frankly dh just adds to my fury. His answer for everything is a spanking. This is not for debate but I only spank when it is something very serious and normally when they are younger just a pat on the butt. He says this is why she doesn't respect me. So, I have to make her afraid of me to get respect. That just doesn't seem right or what I want. I went through this with dd19 but not when she was 11! What am I doing wrong. How can I fix this? I will take any suggestions because right now I am seconds from taking her butt back to PS and then I would only have to deal with her part of the day. Terrible I know but I really have reached my limit.

[WishboneDawn]

What about backing off on the schooling for a little bit and work on your relationship with her. If it's reaching a crisis point at just 11 the teenage years are going to be really rough.

 

Pare down the work for a few weeks? Go out for ice cream and walks, watch some TV together, relax. You guys sound like you're running in circles right now. When you start bringing school work back into the mix be more casual. Sit together on the couch, do a lot orally, etc. I've really found 11 is an age where I have to move into a bit more of a friend role with my daughter. That doesn't mean I give up discipline but she's getting old enough that she'll soon be into serious territory that she'll need to talk to someone about and need a female mentor to guide her through. You can't do that i you're always at war with her.

 

And I agree the spanking has got to stop. At 11 she should be getting discipline that makes her think, not react in fear. She's only a few short years from being an adult and needs to rule her behaviour with self-discipline and intelligence and she won't get to that point if the answer to misbehaviour is always a spanking.

[thowell]

What about backing off on the schooling for a little bit and work on your relationship with her. If it's reaching a crisis point at just 11 the teenage years are going to be really rough.

 

Pare down the work for a few weeks? Go out for ice cream and walks, watch some TV together, relax. You guys sound like you're running in circles right now. When you start bringing school work back into the mix be more casual. Sit together on the couch, do a lot orally, etc. I've really found 11 is an age where I have to move into a bit more of a friend role with my daughter. That doesn't mean I give up discipline but she's getting old enough that she'll soon be into serious territory that she'll need to talk to someone about and need a female mentor to guide her through. You can't do that i you're always at war with her.

 

And I agree the spanking has got to stop. At 11 she should be getting discipline that makes her think, not react in fear. She's only a few short years from being an adult and needs to rule her behaviour with self-discipline and intelligence and she won't get to that point if the answer to misbehaviour is always a spanking.

 

I will have to give this some thought and try some of the suggestions and I do want to state that she hasn't had a spanking in along time. I just needed to vent to dh and this was his only solution. Good things I have you ladies here. Thanks!

[WishboneDawn]

I will have to give this some thought and try some of the suggestions and I do want to state that she hasn't had a spanking in along time. I just needed to vent to dh and this was his only solution. Good things I have you ladies here. Thanks!

 

Phew! Okay...I'm not really anti-spanking (I don't do it myself though) but I think it's a poor solution for older kids.

[clarkacademy]

My 13 year old tried this for a minute last year. She only got a few warnings then it was over. She lost everything near and dear so to speak for about a month. We don't argue much anymore and she has respect, she does not fear me and our relationship is fine. She seemed to think she made the rules or could question me etc. I showed her that is not going to happen.

[Penny_P]

Hello, you must have my dd's older sister....

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=307290

 

In case you missed my post earlier. Still awaiting good advice. Today has already started off poorly. :( My dd could really care less about receiving any kind of education.

[thowell]

My 13 year old tried this for a minute last year. She only got a few warnings then it was over. She lost everything near and dear so to speak for about a month. We don't argue much anymore and she has respect, she does not fear me and our relationship is fine. She seemed to think she made the rules or could question me etc. I showed her that is not going to happen.

 

Want to come live with me for a month?

[fairfarmhand]

Eleven is a crummy age for girls.

 

I would quit spanking her. Really it is kind of pointless. A kid is almost the size of an adult at this point.

 

Don't react to her mouthiness. When you argue back it will make it worse. Remember it takes 2 to argue and you are stooping to her level when you do so. Keep your voice low. Keep your dignity. Remember you are the parent, she is the kid. When things start getting off track, stop them then, don't keep trying to push through them.

 

When she is disrespectful give her a chance to rephrase. "Dear, that sounded really ugly. Do you mean to be ugly or do you want to rephrase it?" Then if she continues you apply consequences.

 

I found with my oldest that she needed things written out in black and white ahead of time. Rules like, speak respectfully to mom, do not argue or correct an adult. Attitude, like stomping feet slamming doors, eye rolling, huge sighs ( I listed out every example I could thing of) will be given consequences. Then I would list out consequences. Find out her currency...missing out on fun stuff, having to go to bed earlier, no TV, no computer, extra chores, whatever.

 

Also, if there is any media consumption that features mouthy disrespectful kids or even bumbling adults , I would totally nix that forever.

 

hope that helps.

 

From the mom of another mouthy girl child, who is slowly improving in the attitude department.

Edited September 2, 2011 by fairfarmhand

[starwarsmomma]

Not against spanking, but by age 11, (in my opinion) might not be the best solution. That's pretty darn old, in my opinion.

 

Anyway....

 

ATTITUDE.

 

This all boils down to attitude.

 

She has decided to have an attitude, and so far has been allowed to get away with it.

 

I would deal with the attitude, and nip it as fast as possible. Even if it means you are the mean mom (and dad) for a while.

 

And no, I'm not talking about spanking, unless you as the parent feel that is best.

 

My 11 year old is starting to test his boundaries with attitude slips, here and there, and in this house it is a ZERO tolerance situation.

 

We start with making him go to bed an hour early. It's one of the worst things you could do to my night-owl kid.

Then, it's no internet, no ipod, no video games, no phone, no friends, extra chores, hard labor, etc.. LOL

 

Once he pushed me one snarky comment too far, I emptied his room. All he had was a bed and dresser. And it took him 3 weeks to earn it back. MWAHAHAAAA

 

If he's working, he doesn't have time to have an attitude. :D

 

Once you fix the attitude, then you can work on her school issues (which sound related)

[Old Dominion Heather]

You might want to take a look at some logical consequences for not doing her work with a good attitude and then DO NOT get emotional about it when you have to make the consequences happen.

 

Parenting with Love and Logic is a good place to start.

[thowell]

Phew! Okay...I'm not really anti-spanking (I don't do it myself though) but I think it's a poor solution for older kids.

 

Okay Dawn, After reading your response on the other thread linked above can you share a little more with me on how you approach school? I can see where my serious all business attitude might be overwhelming her but if I let her go she would do nothing!

[Hope in God]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm sure that there are people that are smarter and more qualified to answer this but I will give it a try. My daughter is getting to be a bit of a handful so I have been looking for answers as well. I agree with you that I don't want it to be about punishment but there does have to be a little bite behind the bark too.

 

I have been doing some soul searching about my relationship with my children and about my homeschooling. I have tried to prioritize what my goals are for my daughter so I have a vision for the future. I found that a good education is high on my list but it is not the highest. Far more important to me is her spiritual growth, emotional growth, social growth, personal virtue and family relationships. Then I stumbled upon a book at the library called The Teenage Liberation Handbook by Grace Lewellen. I have to admit that I am not fond of the author's style of writing and I don't agree with everything that she says or with all of her logic but the book really gave me a piece of the puzzle. I have decided to let my daughter have more freedom in her education. She is choosing what she wants to learn and I have registered this year (rather than enrolling) so that I don't have to answer to the BC Student learning outcomes. Strangely, she is willingly taking on more than I would have given her to do AND she has a far better attitude.

 

Another thing that I found was important is to make a zero tolerance policy on disrespect. I read that if you allow mild disrespect there really is no solid line about what is acceptable and the line will move according to your daughters mood. I have been enjoying the book Character Matters by Thomas Lickona and I plan on going through a character curriculum with my children so that they understand the standard. I also make sure to have some fun weekly activities with my daughter (i.e. movie night on Friday with just her) so that I have some positive weekly contact with her where we can connect. I also tell her that if she is going to get some more grown up outings without the younger kids she is going to have to be more grown up. If she is going to act like a child she will be treated like a child as well.

 

I think that if things are going to change there will have to be a great effort on both of your parts but it will be SO worth it for your daughter's future! These are things that they don't teach in school.

 

And lastly, this too will pass.:grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

growing up I had this.

 

My siblings learned to be excellent liars to my parents. My brother was especially good. I never tried. Based on my brother's lying he had no respect for dad. If he did why would he lie.

 

I was afraid of all dads--I would not go to a friends house if her dad was home, if her dad came home I'd leave. I thought all dads were like mine. I never had friends over--my father made our basement a nice game room, but none of us invited friends over. My father never understood why we wouldn't want to invite friends over.

 

My sister and I have no confidence in ourselves--I'm not sure the correlation, but I'm sure it has to do with my dad's idea of respect.

 

As a result of performing out of fear, I never thought completely for myself until well into adulthood. The result is I never pursued things I would have been good at and really wanted to do. I wanted to be a PT (it's not like I wanted to be showgirl). That was a crappy career according to my dad. I've bounced around doing a lot of different careers I'm pretty good at, but I'm sad I never pursued to do the thing I was passionate about simply because being so afraid made me immature in my own adult decision making. My sister has not had a supersuccessful career in what dad wanted for her either.

 

Training children to respond through fear has long term negative repercussions. I'm sure my sis and I are actually "good outcomes" from this kind of parenting, but we are not happy, confident adults.

 

I currently am not speaking to my dad. Nothing official said. I just am not calling and chatting with him and mom. I don't call my mom because I don't want to talk to dad (that hurts).

 

I don't know what kind of adult relationship your dh wants with his dc, but he's laying the foundation now.

[BMW]

Sorry you're having a rough go right now. I've been there many times, myself! My thoughts are all over the place with this, but here goes...

 

Taking space (having her go to her room a while) is really necessary at times. Sometimes you need to go wash your face, put on moisturizer and come back out again... or have some 3-5 minute moment to get yourself out of the stressed out mode. It's not easy, I know!

 

Respect is modeled and can be obtained without fear. Children need to know we believe in them. That is so hard when they have attitude and act out! Find some times in non-conflict when you can make building statements... truthful ones. "You did a great job helping your brother!" "I liked your good manners at lunch today". They need to hear some things that are positive... even when we don't like who they are being throughout the day...

 

There are lots of tips for dealing with some of the issues you have brought up... I would say, you need to forget about her attitude for now. Focus on what needs to happen. Stop arguing and engaging. Give her instructions and ignore the attitude. When she starts complaining and arguing, you can say, "You know what you need to do." and walk away. If she keeps speaking, you don't have to answer back. Move on. If she does not do what she is supposed to do, then she isn't allowed tv, electronics, phone calls, dessert (in my home, anyway!), and she has to finish what she has been told to do.

I have had to do this with my boys several times... it took a while, but, I kept at it. Walking away and not engaging stops it from escalating at my house. When my son starts these battles, he doesn't get what he wants until he complies... I cannot give him a new attitude... I cannot make him be a certain way. I fought that for a loooong time and it hurt our relationship. Now I know to state what needs to happen, don't engage, and then give him a lot of encouragement and praise when we are not in conflict....

 

Hope my rambling helps a bit... (the main idea here is not my own, I got it from Lehman's parenting cd's)

[Kathleen in VA]

I'm thinking part of her behavior may be hormonal - has she started her period yet? 11 is not too young for this. Not that that's an excuse for rude behavior but it may explain it anyway. I have serious PMS issues and am starting to get into the menopause troubles as well now - I still have to remember to control myself - I am not entitled to spew my inner turmoil on all those around me. I would so have loved to have had my mom explain this to me when I was a teenager. I was about 20 years old when my boyfriend (at the time) said, "You know, you do this about every 28 days." He was referring to my overemotional, reactionary, the world is coming to an end way of dealing with stress. Once I knew what was causing it, I could separate myself from the feelings that would wash over me cyclically and that helped me keep my head. If I lose track of the days now I may have an outburst and then I quickly remember to check the calendar. It's frustrating, but it's reality. If she knows it's coming, she can deal with it more rationally.

 

Also, I wonder what you mean by argue. At 11, none of my children had a say, they were not allowed to talk back. They were told what was expected and they complied or there were negative consequences. I would not have spanked at 11 - I would just remove privileges. As the old saying says, It takes two to tango - she can't argue if you don't engage. Remain calm and just apply consequences.

 

You can demand respect using fear as a motive, but you will not get genuine respect. You must earn genuine respect. For her sake (and for your sanity, lol), you need to stop replying to her and just apply consequences. You're the mom. It's because you say so, not because you can explain it to her satisfaction. You don't owe her any explanations - she does what you require because you require it (within reason, of course). Also, don't threaten anything unless you are fully prepared to follow through (i.e., sending her to ps).

 

Just a complete and total guess here, but is it possible she has lost respect for you because of empty threats? Just a thought.

[Sevilla]

In addition to the good advice above, I would recommend figuring out her personality type and yours to see if you can pinpoint the ways that you can really connect with her (what would be most meaningful for her). The more you can build those bonds in positive ways the easier the negative times will be to navigate for both of you. This is one helpful book: http://www.amazon.com/Nurture-Nature-Understand-Childs-Personality/dp/0316845132/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314986116&sr=8-1

[bettyandbob]

my dd is 13 and started having attitude issues at that age. We still have difficult times on and off.

 

I'd back off of school a bit. Figure out the basics she can do without your involvement and assign that.

 

I'd find one on one activities for you and dd. My dd and get a netflix movie for just us 2-4 times a month. This started when she was 11. We watch the movie in my bed. At first we just watched stuff that would appeal to an 11 yo, but now at almost 14 there's a huge variety we can enjoy and have discussions about. The movie time started her opening up to me more. You don't have to do movies just something you two can enjoy together regularly that's just time between you and her.

 

When she's particularly nasty, back away. Don't get pulled in. Remain calm. If she's nasty and it's time to drive her to girl scouts/youth group don't take her. Go to your room and shut the door, stay there and make yourself calm.

 

Make sure she is exercising. If you've read my posts, you'd think I thought exercise was the answer to everything. When kids are getting into puberty I think some of this nastiness is related to anxiety. Exercise cuts anxiety tremendously. My dd gets serious exercise (work up a sweat extend aerobic effort) at least 3 times a week.

 

Make sure you are exercising. It will go a long way in helping you to remain calm.

 

As things improve and you are able to have real conversations listen to what she needs. At that age my dd wanted more field trips and more social opportunities -- I made a point of taking her and a friend (same one each time) on a field trip once a month, we found a great series of history trips. When I was picking curriculum I showed her samples of my top 2 or 3 picks in math and asked how they each looked to her. It was still school with me, but she had some input and control. That helped a lot.

[thowell]

Okay, YES! I admit it I am not as follow through as I should be. Yes, Kathleen I could see where that could cause a lack of respect from her. She has not started her period yest but she is beginning puberty so I know there are some things going on there and we have had a very in depth talk about this. I kow I should not arue with her but she just will not stop. When I tell her I do not want to hear it she just keeps on. "can I just say something?" It is never ending. I just took down all the pictures from her bedroom wall as a consequence of disrespects and I told her every time she talks back to me I will take something else until she has nothing left. I guess I will have to be mean mom for a while if we hope to fix this.

[clarkacademy]

Want to come live with me for a month?

 

SURE!!!! Kids always behave better for strangers lol. The funny thing is I have 4 and if it was dealing with my overly ADHD son who is 10 I am the wits end person with him. The other 3 are a piece of cake!

[Alyeska]

I went through the same thing when my dd turned 9. We ended up needing to find new things in common. She wasn't my little girl anymore and was wanting some indepedence. So I gave it to her. And I do not nag or remind her to do anything. :) That was hurting our relationship greatly because she wanted the responsibility completely, without me reminding her of things. I gave her more responsibilities around the house, I tried my best to treat her as a young lady instead of a child, and I made a point to do things with her (just the two of us) that she would especially enjoy. It rekindled our relationship!

 

Stepping back and reconnecting may be what you need to do. And it is fun getting to know your child again in a different way. It takes purpose and effort, but it is worth it!

 

As far as school complaints...well I deal with that too. :) My dd dislikes the added school responsibilities of middle school. Yesterday I told her that for every complaint, I would send her to bed 15 minutes early. She then promised to not complain anymore. I did have an extensive discussion with her though, so she could understand why her schooling is the way it is...because I care about her, want her to learn, want her to get all the skills she will need to pursue her future dreams...that helped because she could then see that what i am doing for her is what I think is best. We are halfway through our schooling today and she has yet to utter a single complaint.

 

Anyway...just a couple ideas that might help.

[Kathleen in VA]

Okay, YES! I admit it I am not as follow through as I should be. Yes, Kathleen I could see where that could cause a lack of respect from her. She has not started her period yest but she is beginning puberty so I know there are some things going on there and we have had a very in depth talk about this. I kow I should not arue with her but she just will not stop. When I tell her I do not want to hear it she just keeps on. "can I just say something?" It is never ending. I just took down all the pictures from her bedroom wall as a consequence of disrespects and I told her every time she talks back to me I will take something else until she has nothing left. I guess I will have to be mean mom for a while if we hope to fix this.

 

If she just kept talking, I'd go about doing what I needed to do (laundry, dishes, reading - or pretending to read a book, etc.) and just ignore her. If if went on for a long time, you might try stopping, looking at her and telling her you'd be glad to allow her the opportunity to express her opinion but not until she had developed a more respectful attitude over a long period of time. Tell her that if you don't have to deal with her lack of respect for say one month, you will then allow her to speak her mind in a respectful, adult tone of voice. If she messes up, she has to go through another month. Children earn the right to have a say in things - it should not be a given.

 

Try not to think of it as being mean - you are not being mean when you deal responsibly with bad behavior in your children. Of course, they see it that way but they are children - their pov is skewed. You are really being a very sweet, loving mom who must set boundaries for the sake of her entire adult existence. Who wants to be the boss of someone like that or the husband or the neighbor? She won't be able to see that now, but she will come to appreciate it. She may never thank you, but the rest of the world certainly appreciates parents who reign in their children. It really works out to her advantage. Don't let the short term pain defer you from your goal of raising a kind, respectful, adult. Think of it the way an Olympic athlete does - it takes years of self-denial, hard work, actual pain to even get to a place to compete for the gold. Put your eye on the prize and try not to focus on the immediate discomfort.

 

:grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

Okay, YES! I admit it I am not as follow through as I should be. Yes, Kathleen I could see where that could cause a lack of respect from her. She has not started her period yest but she is beginning puberty so I know there are some things going on there and we have had a very in depth talk about this. I kow I should not arue with her but she just will not stop. When I tell her I do not want to hear it she just keeps on. "can I just say something?" It is never ending. I just took down all the pictures from her bedroom wall as a consequence of disrespects and I told her every time she talks back to me I will take something else until she has nothing left. I guess I will have to be mean mom for a while if we hope to fix this.

 

 

try this. "That is all I have to say on the subject. Discussion closed. You know what I expect." Turn your back. Walk away. If she gets louder or whatever, I'd glance at her, shrug and get on with whatever I was doing.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Is this just with schoolwork or does her attitude\behavior remain consistent through most of her everyday life?

 

My dd12 is a highly emotional, difficult child. She chaffs against being told to do anything, minor upsets in how she perceives things should flow are huge catastrophes to her. She likes to feel she is in control, but once she gets control she has no idea how to handle it. She has a hard time adjusting her emotions to suit the situation. You could find many, many posts of mine regarding her.

 

The best way I have found to parent her is to create extremely clear boundaries, expectations and consequences. Arbitrary punishments just don't work with her. She has to see a natural cause and effect for it to make an impact on her. You speak to me in a disrespectful manner, you have to go to your room. You argue with me about schoolwork, you loose free time until your work is completed to my standards. You complete your work in a timely manner and to the best of your ability, I will want to spend time with you and you and I will have time to play a game. It will take a while to form these new habits for you and for her. Remember that this is a habit and you must be consistent and patient to break it.

 

When her emotions are running high I have to keep my emotions in check; I have to deal with her in an almost disconnected way. State what I see wrong, state what I expect, state the consequences, walk away. She feeds off of my emotions and uses the emotional discourse to take the focus off of the real issue. I do not engage with her if she is emotional (I'm talking negative emotions here...if she is hurting\upset\sad I am always supportive). If she starts to get ramped up about something I will always acknowledge her emotions, state what I think she is having a hard time with and ask her to take a break to cool off before we talk rationally about it. I never tell her that what she is feeling is wrong...after all, I'm not her and I'm not in her head. I do try to teach her that she has control over what she does with those feelings and that she is responsible for not burdening others with her bad temper.

 

I think the things that helped me the most in dealing with her was when I started putting aside my personal feelings about her behavior, stopped taking her outbursts and arguing personally, started trying to focus on all the positive wonderful things about her, and started treating her undesirable behavior as something she was burdened with and hadn't been taught how to deal with. After some heart to hearts I realized that she disliked the behavior as much as I did. We made a pact to fix it together. It isn't her fault that it took me many, many years to recognize the slope we were slipping down and put on my trainers hat and teach her how to cope with her extreme emotions.

 

I don't know if your dd is the same as mine but even if you are only dealing with these issues during school, I would say much of the above methods would still work. :grouphug: to you and I hope the two of you can find some peace together.

[justamouse]

Okay, YES! I admit it I am not as follow through as I should be. Yes, Kathleen I could see where that could cause a lack of respect from her. She has not started her period yest but she is beginning puberty so I know there are some things going on there and we have had a very in depth talk about this. I kow I should not arue with her but she just will not stop. When I tell her I do not want to hear it she just keeps on. "can I just say something?" It is never ending. I just took down all the pictures from her bedroom wall as a consequence of disrespects and I told her every time she talks back to me I will take something else until she has nothing left. I guess I will have to be mean mom for a while if we hope to fix this.

 

If she keeps talking, she's doing it because she's thinking you haven't *heard* her. Can you restate what she is saying? Let her talk, listen, and say, "So what you're saying is ________." and then let her correct you if it's not the point she's trying to make-go back and forth until she agrees with your interpretation. It may take a few times at first, but as she beings to realize that you ARE listening, she'll slowly stop.

[5LittleMonkeys]

If she keeps talking, she's doing it because she's thinking you haven't *heard* her. Can you restate what she is saying? Let her talk, listen, and say, "So what you're saying is ________." and then let her correct you if it's not the point she's trying to make-go back and forth until she agrees with your interpretation. It may take a few times at first, but as she beings to realize that you ARE listening, she'll slowly stop.

 

I agree with this completely but would add that she needs to learn first that there can be no conversation unless both parties are being respectful of the other. She needs to learn to how to talk to you and you need to learn how to listen to her. You have to validate her feelings and emotions even if you don't agree with them. And no, you do not need to be 'mean mom' to get through to her. You need to stop engaging in arguments and be sympathetic to the fact that she obviously doesn't have the tools necessary to cope with her frustrations.

[thowell]

Is this just with schoolwork or does her attitude\behavior remain consistent through most of her everyday life?

 

My dd12 is a highly emotional, difficult child. She chaffs against being told to do anything, minor upsets in how she perceives things should flow are huge catastrophes to her. She likes to feel she is in control, but once she gets control she has no idea how to handle it. She has a hard time adjusting her emotions to suit the situation. You could find many, many posts of mine regarding her.

 

The best way I have found to parent her is to create extremely clear boundaries, expectations and consequences. Arbitrary punishments just don't work with her. She has to see a natural cause and effect for it to make an impact on her. You speak to me in a disrespectful manner, you have to go to your room. You argue with me about schoolwork, you loose free time until your work is completed to my standards. You complete your work in a timely manner and to the best of your ability, I will want to spend time with you and you and I will have time to play a game. It will take a while to form these new habits for you and for her. Remember that this is a habit and you must be consistent and patient to break it.

 

When her emotions are running high I have to keep my emotions in check; I have to deal with her in an almost disconnected way. State what I see wrong, state what I expect, state the consequences, walk away. She feeds off of my emotions and uses the emotional discourse to take the focus off of the real issue. I do not engage with her if she is emotional (I'm talking negative emotions here...if she is hurting\upset\sad I am always supportive). If she starts to get ramped up about something I will always acknowledge her emotions, state what I think she is having a hard time with and ask her to take a break to cool off before we talk rationally about it. I never tell her that what she is feeling is wrong...after all, I'm not her and I'm not in her head. I do try to teach her that she has control over what she does with those feelings and that she is responsible for not burdening others with her bad temper.

 

I think the things that helped me the most in dealing with her was when I started putting aside my personal feelings about her behavior, stopped taking her outbursts and arguing personally, started trying to focus on all the positive wonderful things about her, and started treating her undesirable behavior as something she was burdened with and hadn't been taught how to deal with. After some heart to hearts I realized that she disliked the behavior as much as I did. We made a pact to fix it together. It isn't her fault that it took me many, many years to recognize the slope we were slipping down and put on my trainers hat and teach her how to cope with her extreme emotions.

 

I don't know if your dd is the same as mine but even if you are only dealing with these issues during school, I would say much of the above methods would still work. :grouphug: to you and I hope the two of you can find some peace together.

 

 

To be honest this sounds exactly like my dd11. It is a problem with everything. She has told me that she just doesn't like being told what to do. However, if I give her the control she has no idea what to do. She shows no self constraint in situations and just explodes. I will try the suggestions. I know I have to stay calm and not engage in the argument with her.

[thowell]

I agree with this completely but would add that she needs to learn first that there can be no conversation unless both parties are being respectful of the other. She needs to learn to how to talk to you and you need to learn how to listen to her. You have to validate her feelings and emotions even if you don't agree with them. And no, you do not need to be 'mean mom' to get through to her. You need to stop engaging in arguments and be sympathetic to the fact that she obviously doesn't have the tools necessary to cope with her frustrations.

 

Most of the time what she is trying to tell me is her excuse for her behavior. She never wants to take any blame in something that has happened. If she doesn't do her chores, she has an excuse. If she is disrespectful, she has an excuse. If she speaks to her little sister in a bad way, she has an excuse. I just get so tired of hearing her excuses that it angers me when she starts with them. But, I will try to make it a point to let her have her say if she does it in a respectful way and let her know that I do hear her.

[AuntPol]

My daughter was this way last year when she was 11. She's better this year. Things I did were let her design her own curriculum (w/my guidance and approval) and probably the most helpful is that we go on a walk at least every other day but often daily. On the walk, we talk about whatever she wants to talk about without judgement from me. That is hard as she only wants to talk about going to Disney (which we can't afford) and Dance (which she is taking but trying to get me to sign her up for a class that her daddy said was not allowed). We also have started a mother/daughter book club for just us. We read a classic and follow it with a modern book. These are girly books that have a lot to do with mother and daughter relationships. We then have a book discussion outside of the home (Dunkin Donuts, Food court at the mall, etc). I've also let her start painting my nails once a week. In general, I focus on her quite a bit.

 

However, now my son who is turning 11 this month is going through the same stage. I am thinking sixth grade is a good year for boarding school.

[Veritaserum]

However, now my son who is turning 11 this month is going through the same stage. I am thinking sixth grade is a good year for boarding school.

 

Oh my, yes! I actually looked up prices last week. Too bad tuition starts at $25,000 a year and goes up from there. :glare:

 

OP, I'm on the ledge with you. :grouphug: I've tried many of the things suggested in this thread without success. I feel hopeless at the moment myself. Dd11 deals with ADHD and I suspect comorbidity with a more serious mental health issue (depression, anxiety, and bi-polar disorder run rampant in dh's family). She is so, so much more difficult than any of my other kids.