When your kid is a little weird...and other social issues

[Plucky]

I like to let my kids be themselves and march to their own beat. That is easier when their beat is pretty close to the norm I have to admit.

 

My middle schoolers went to a youth group function today. My 13ds is a quirky guy - but he has a very big heart and is a sweetie.

 

He comes out with a huge wrapped bandage on his big toe because he stubbed it and it hurts and he keeps stubbing it. Yeah, he's not super graceful, his adhd causes him to fling his legs and arms around and get hurt. :D

 

I tell him that he has to wear a smaller bandage on his toe or I won't let him go. He says he is trying to keep his toe from getting hurt anymore. I don't budge. He puts on a smaller bandage.

 

I tell him he cannot wear long pants and a long-sleeved shirt. It will be a hot day and they are supposed to wear swimsuits. He says oh, okay and happily runs off to change.

 

I remind him and his sister to brush their teeth and hair and deodorize. This always seems like a new thing even though I request it 365 times a year. We are halfway there when I look over and he has his dad's huge black cotton gloves on his hands with the fingers cut away, his hair has obviously not been brushed, and I ask him if he is wearing that to the outing. He says yes, I sigh internally, and say I wouldn't wear them. He doesn't care and smiles.

 

Just as I pull into the parking lot I double check that both kids have deodorant on - of course 13ds forgot. Grrr. Someone took the spare deodorant I keep in the car. Oh well, all the 13-year old boys stink from my experience.

 

We drive up to the group and I see a huge cluster of boys that we know well yell, "Yay, xxxx is here!" They mean my son and they are all waving him over. He smiles and gets out. I yell after him, "Don't forget to turn in your check and forms!" I don't think he hears me.

 

My daughter gets out, too. She kisses me goodbye. The girls her age all seem to ignore her, she is looking for a friend. Her friend isn't here, yet. But she is invisible to this group of "nice Christian" girls. I know their mothers, and they don't see the pettiness in their daughters. Why is it harder to be a girl at this age than a boy?

 

Fitting in is so much harder for girls, and if she did fit in then would she be a mean girl, too? This dd has adhd, too. She is quirky and dramatic. For girls her age it is an unforgivable sin, and it breaks my heart. My dh says it's because she is so pretty (she's future blonde model gorgeous). I don't think it makes a difference. Girls are cruel.

 

The only way I can leave her and go home is that I know how badly she wants to go, but it makes my heart so heavy. I don't want my kids to grow up too soon, but I do want them to experience the freedom of being an adult and not having to put up with petty people.

 

This is pretty long and I didn't intend it to be that way. I just know I hate middle school. Hate it. I think it may hurt me more than them.

 

So, do you have a quirky kid? How do you handle the social drama?

[Dana]

No ideas, just :grouphug:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My dd has asperger's so is quite quirky. She's only 10, so a little different. I've found that she gravitates towards other not-perfectly- typical kids.

 

I let her be unless it's really out there. She went to preschool in dress up clothes, and still would!

[4wildberrys]

I like to let my kids be themselves and march to their own beat. That is easier when their beat is pretty close to the norm I have to admit.

 

My middle schoolers went to a youth group function today. My 13ds is a quirky guy - but he has a very big heart and is a sweetie.

 

He comes out with a huge wrapped bandage on his big toe because he stubbed it and it hurts and he keeps stubbing it. Yeah, he's not super graceful, his adhd causes him to fling his legs and arms around and get hurt. :D

 

I tell him that he has to wear a smaller bandage on his toe or I won't let him go. He says he is trying to keep his toe from getting hurt anymore. I don't budge. He puts on a smaller bandage.

 

I tell him he cannot wear long pants and a long-sleeved shirt. It will be a hot day and they are supposed to wear swimsuits. He says oh, okay and happily runs off to change.

 

I remind him and his sister to brush their teeth and hair and deodorize. This always seems like a new thing even though I request it 365 times a year. We are halfway there when I look over and he has his dad's huge black cotton gloves on his hands with the fingers cut away, his hair has obviously not been brushed, and I ask him if he is wearing that to the outing. He says yes, I sigh internally, and say I wouldn't wear them. He doesn't care and smiles.

 

Just as I pull into the parking lot I double check that both kids have deodorant on - of course 13ds forgot. Grrr. Someone took the spare deodorant I keep in the car. Oh well, all the 13-year old boys stink from my experience.

 

We drive up to the group and I see a huge cluster of boys that we know well yell, "Yay, xxxx is here!" They mean my son and they are all waving him over. He smiles and gets out. I yell after him, "Don't forget to turn in your check and forms!" I don't think he hears me.

 

My daughter gets out, too. She kisses me goodbye. The girls her age all seem to ignore her, she is looking for a friend. Her friend isn't here, yet. But she is invisible to this group of "nice Christian" girls. I know their mothers, and they don't see the pettiness in their daughters. Why is it harder to be a girl at this age than a boy?

 

Fitting in is so much harder for girls, and if she did fit in then would she be a mean girl, too? This dd has adhd, too. She is quirky and dramatic. For girls her age it is an unforgivable sin, and it breaks my heart. My dh says it's because she is so pretty (she's future blonde model gorgeous). I don't think it makes a difference. Girls are cruel.

 

The only way I can leave her and go home is that I know how badly she wants to go, but it makes my heart so heavy. I don't want my kids to grow up too soon, but I do want them to experience the freedom of being an adult and not having to put up with petty people.

 

This is pretty long and I didn't intend it to be that way. I just know I hate middle school. Hate it. I think it may hurt me more than them.

 

So, do you have a quirky kid? How do you handle the social drama?

 

Well, as the mother of 2 quirky kids, I can relate. But don't EVEN get me started on those 'nice Christian kids'---because we haven't found any yet! And yes, how these 'nice Christian' parents can ignore the awful stuff that goes on is beyond me. I just figure I am quirky and too idealistic---you know, things like expecting Christians to actually act like it? Unfortunately, it's MUCH harder for girls :confused: With a dd who has pink and blond dreadlocked hair and a tall, lanky son who has no interest in any sport except skateboarding----living in a town where Ball Sports dominate and fitting in means conforming to the One Public School/Ball Sport standard.....I could write a novel about our life here! Being the only Catholic, Gluten Free, Nonconformist Homeschoolers in our town makes for quite an isolated life :001_huh:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

So, do you have a quirky kid? How do you handle the social drama?

 

 

My oldest is quirky at age 14.5. My middle is quirky with possible something else going on (sensory issues, maybe? Going to eval in a minute.) My youngest is the most.....of what society would call 'normal/average'. (I think it will be easiest for her to fit in, is what I'm saying.) The weird thing is that the youngest is the one I worry about the most! Why? Because, of all three, I think that she is the most likely to WANT to fit in and likely the most likely to be affected by peer pressure.

 

I just talked to my oldest about this the other day and how I LOVE how different she is, that she marches to her own beat. A friend of mine asked her, "Why did you get your hair cut short? Why don't you grow it long?" I thought, "it was long for YEARS and she hated it, so she made this decision. It's GREAT!" I told her to not waste time on anyone who wants to change her, that we appreciate her sense of humor and we appreciate HER as is.

 

It's hard when you know that other people probably just look at your kid and think, "Geeze, what's YOUR problem?"

 

It hurts sometimes or at least makes me cringe to think that other people only see the outside, the 'weirdness' and perhaps can't look past it to their wonderful-ness, their unique abilities and gifts and talents.

 

Anyway, that's my long-winded rambling response. :grouphug:

[ma23peas]

I have something to say!!

 

 

EMBRACE Their quirks!!! EAch and everyone is a unique gift...I would point out to my son that is independent...."I admire your ability to shine through the ordinary, a heart that seeks fun and the new...wow- you're great!" to my daughter I would say, "can't make new friends if you don't go and ask someone what they did this week, or show an interest...see that girl over there, ask her what she did this summer." Even those 'nice Christian girls' have their quirks, they may just be better at hiding it. My girls appreciate quirky...where we get lost is when behavioral issues with those quirks get excused out....most the time I can help walk my girls through the best way to deal with quirky, but sometimes quirky leads into downright rude, disrespectful and harmful...the parents just say 'it's their disorder' causing it...not all the time...no.

[Nestof3]

Yes, Nathan is quirky, but he also admits to being antisocial. He just doesn't care to spend time with someone very often. He honestly has no friends. Perhaps that will change as he ages, but he's happy.

 

Honestly, I was happier alone most of the time growing up because I thought people my age were ridiculous.

 

As an adult, I still find people hard to take a lot of times. Right now it's my family.

 

I think it's harder for young ladies in society because so much ranking is just based on appearances. The same thing often happens with adults. I will never understand why appearances mean so darn much to people.

[Caterpiller]

My daughter is very very very very social. She wants to talk to everyone and wants to be their very best friend. Also, she has a slight speech delay. So she is trying to talk to everyone, but sometimes they can't understand her. Her enthusiasm scares off most kids her own age. And she is really tall so she ATTRACTS oldder kids, until they can't understand what she is saying and start treating her way younger then she is.

 

She also LOVES being the center of attention and if she see's a large group of people... she doesn't see a bunch of strangers, she see's a group of adoring fans... and she will sing, or dance, and bow and expect them to lavish her with applause and admiration. :tongue_smilie: She gets a lot of odd looks for it from OTHER kids... but the adults love it. She hasn't made any lasting friends yet. :( She came pretty close once, she found a kindred spirit who got out and danced WITH her. :D but the mom never contacted us again.

[Nestof3]

Whoa! Just because kids are in a Christian family doesn't make them nice or Christian. I'm on my kids all day long for being unkind to one another. Thankfully, they are very nice to other kids. I've found that not socializing them too much with groups with peer mentality helps them be friends with a variety of people in different ages. The last thing I want for my kids is to be in a youth group where they learn all of the cool ways to fit in or not.

 

I think kids learn these rude characteristics from other kids rather from their parents -- Christian or not. You look at a group of kids, and it's like a survival of the fittest championship. And don't even get me started on groups when teens/young adults are old enough to date. It's sickening to watch the guys flock to the prettiest and work their way down until they find one that will accept them. It happened in every group I was a part of -- Christian or non-Christian.

 

Well, as the mother of 2 quirky kids, I can relate. But don't EVEN get me started on those 'nice Christian kids'---because we haven't found any yet! And yes, how these 'nice Christian' parents can ignore the awful stuff that goes on is beyond me. I just figure I am quirky and too idealistic---you know, things like expecting Christians to actually act like it? Unfortunately, it's MUCH harder for girls :confused: With a dd who has pink and blond dreadlocked hair and a tall, lanky son who has no interest in any sport except skateboarding----living in a town where Ball Sports dominate and fitting in means conforming to the One Public School/Ball Sport standard.....I could write a novel about our life here! Being the only Catholic, Gluten Free, Nonconformist Homeschoolers in our town makes for quite an isolated life :001_huh:

[Plucky]

Whoa! Just because kids are in a Christian family doesn't make them nice or Christian. I'm on my kids all day long for being unkind to one another. Thankfully, they are very nice to other kids. I've found that not socializing them too much with groups with peer mentality helps them be friends with a variety of people in different ages. The last thing I want for my kids is to be in a youth group where they learn all of the cool ways to fit in or not.

 

I think kids learn these rude characteristics from other kids rather from their parents -- Christian or not. You look at a group of kids, and it's like a survival of the fittest championship. And don't even get me started on groups when teens/young adults are old enough to date. It's sickening to watch the guys flock to the prettiest and work their way down until they find one that will accept them. It happened in every group I was a part of -- Christian or non-Christian.

 

I agree. It's just that I do expect Christian kids to be better, we are Christian, too. I do not tolerate my kids being mean or rude to people in that cliquey kid way. Other people just don't care. :confused:

[Dobela]

My son didn't fit in very well with the kids at church, andhe isn't necessarily very quirky. They are very clickish. So, we started telling ds to invite his friends from other places -- his bowling buddy, the kid down the street that he spends so much time with... By taking the friend he doesn't feel alone or like an outcast. The pther parents are usually happy to let their children go with ds it seems.

[Plucky]

I have something to say!!

 

 

EMBRACE Their quirks!!! EAch and everyone is a unique gift...I would point out to my son that is independent...."I admire your ability to shine through the ordinary, a heart that seeks fun and the new...wow- you're great!" to my daughter I would say, "can't make new friends if you don't go and ask someone what they did this week, or show an interest...see that girl over there, ask her what she did this summer." Even those 'nice Christian girls' have their quirks, they may just be better at hiding it. My girls appreciate quirky...where we get lost is when behavioral issues with those quirks get excused out....most the time I can help walk my girls through the best way to deal with quirky, but sometimes quirky leads into downright rude, disrespectful and harmful...the parents just say 'it's their disorder' causing it...not all the time...no.

 

My kids aren't rude, and don't have behavioral problems. My dd is a little too excitable, and has a hard time focusing at times. I don't understand why snootiness and meanness is a tolerated behavior though.

[Nestof3]

I agree. It's just that I do expect Christian kids to be better, we are Christian, too. I do not tolerate my kids being mean or rude to people in that cliquey kid way. Other people just don't care. :confused:

 

I wouldn't tolerate it either, but I do think it's something that just starts happening when kids are away from parental influence and under stronger peer influence. Right now, my boys are still naive enough to not think in a cliquey way -- but they haven't been immersed in cliquey environments.

[Plucky]

My oldest is quirky at age 14.5. My middle is quirky with possible something else going on (sensory issues, maybe? Going to eval in a minute.) My youngest is the most.....of what society would call 'normal/average'. (I think it will be easiest for her to fit in, is what I'm saying.) The weird thing is that the youngest is the one I worry about the most! Why? Because, of all three, I think that she is the most likely to WANT to fit in and likely the most likely to be affected by peer pressure.

 

I just talked to my oldest about this the other day and how I LOVE how different she is, that she marches to her own beat. A friend of mine asked her, "Why did you get your hair cut short? Why don't you grow it long?" I thought, "it was long for YEARS and she hated it, so she made this decision. It's GREAT!" I told her to not waste time on anyone who wants to change her, that we appreciate her sense of humor and we appreciate HER as is.

 

It's hard when you know that other people probably just look at your kid and think, "Geeze, what's YOUR problem?"

 

It hurts sometimes or at least makes me cringe to think that other people only see the outside, the 'weirdness' and perhaps can't look past it to their wonderful-ness, their unique abilities and gifts and talents.

 

Anyway, that's my long-winded rambling response. :grouphug:

 

I think that kids are the worst, too. Not being different, and conforming is so important to this age.

[Plucky]

Being the only Catholic, Gluten Free, Nonconformist Homeschoolers in our town makes for quite an isolated life :001_huh:

 

 

I can imagine. Are you in a small town?

[Plucky]

My daughter is very very very very social. She wants to talk to everyone and wants to be their very best friend. Also, she has a slight speech delay. So she is trying to talk to everyone, but sometimes they can't understand her. Her enthusiasm scares off most kids her own age. And she is really tall so she ATTRACTS oldder kids, until they can't understand what she is saying and start treating her way younger then she is.

She also LOVES being the center of attention and if she see's a large group of people... she doesn't see a bunch of strangers, she see's a group of adoring fans... and she will sing, or dance, and bow and expect them to lavish her with applause and admiration. :tongue_smilie: She gets a lot of odd looks for it from OTHER kids... but the adults love it. She hasn't made any lasting friends yet. :( She came pretty close once, she found a kindred spirit who got out and danced WITH her. :D but the mom never contacted us again.

 

How old is your dd? My dd is slightly similar - she's outgrown a lot of it thank goodness. But yes it is hard.

[DarlaS]

Honestly, I was happier alone most of the time growing up because I thought people my age were ridiculous.

 

This would be my oldest. And for the most part, he was right--especially @ age 14 when the only (socially acceptable) way for boys to be is athletic fun-loving goofballs.

 

I do remind him now and again that as he matures (He'll be 18 this winter.), so will kids his age. You know... when they become adults. :tongue_smilie:

[Plucky]

Yes, Nathan is quirky, but he also admits to being antisocial. He just doesn't care to spend time with someone very often. He honestly has no friends. Perhaps that will change as he ages, but he's happy.

 

Honestly, I was happier alone most of the time growing up because I thought people my age were ridiculous.

 

As an adult, I still find people hard to take a lot of times. Right now it's my family.

 

I think it's harder for young ladies in society because so much ranking is just based on appearances. The same thing often happens with adults. I will never understand why appearances mean so darn much to people.

 

When you have a quirky kid that is very, very social and aches to be with people it is really hard. I've kind of kept dd apart from a lot of her "friends" because frankly I don't like them.

Edited August 19, 2011 by True Blue

[Plucky]

No ideas, just :grouphug:

 

Thanks. :001_smile:

[Plucky]

My dd has asperger's so is quite quirky. She's only 10, so a little different. I've found that she gravitates towards other not-perfectly- typical kids.

 

I let her be unless it's really out there. She went to preschool in dress up clothes, and still would!

 

I like other quirky kids, too. One of the girls I really want my dd spending more time with has a speech impediment. She is very kind and a lot of fun.

[AK_Mom4]

At 13yo, I was where you are on reminding DS about hygenie, clothes, dressing appropriately, forms, etc. I felt like a broken record some days.

 

Now, DS15 does this mostly himself. He is my quirky kid for sure. Things that his older brother just *got* and took care have been a slower process for DS15.

 

Slow and steady wins the race.....DS15 has a group of similiar guys that he hangs out with and that make him look much less quirky by comparison. Hang in there!:grouphug:

[Nestof3]

When you have a quirky kid that is very, very social and aches to be with people it is really hard. I've kind of kept dd apart from a lot of her "friends" because frankly I don't like them.

 

:grouphug:

 

While Ben is not quirky (well, a handful for me but normal around other kids) he is a very social kid and so was Aaron. It was very hard finding good friends for Aaron. Ben is so young that most kids are pretty decent, but I no what I'm in for.

 

Parenting is hard work. :grouphug:

[4wildberrys]

Whoa! Just because kids are in a Christian family doesn't make them nice or Christian. I'm on my kids all day long for being unkind to one another. Thankfully, they are very nice to other kids. I've found that not socializing them too much with groups with peer mentality helps them be friends with a variety of people in different ages. The last thing I want for my kids is to be in a youth group where they learn all of the cool ways to fit in or not.

 

I think kids learn these rude characteristics from other kids rather from their parents -- Christian or not. You look at a group of kids, and it's like a survival of the fittest championship. And don't even get me started on groups when teens/young adults are old enough to date. It's sickening to watch the guys flock to the prettiest and work their way down until they find one that will accept them. It happened in every group I was a part of -- Christian or non-Christian.

 

Totally agree! But in our case, it was one of these 'Christian' parents who also happened to be the Youth Group director who egged on a lot of the meanness towards our daughter---almost destroying her emotionally but for sure ruining her faith in any sort of organized religion :glare: Our son does NOT participate in any sort of youth group...

[cloversandlions]

In our playgroup, there are 8 kids in the age 12-14 range. As they have gotten older, my ds has sort of lost his footing among them. He's the only one among the group who does not skype with the others (not for lack of interest on his part). He enjoys the weekly writers group meetings (with these kids), but he does not otherwise get together with them at all. His only friend is a boy his age who he met (online - the boy lives in another state) when his mother sought out a few kids her son's age to play on (her son's) Minecraft server. They talk almost daily on skype. I've listened to these conversations - they are the conversations of normal 12yo boys ...who have an exceptionally high interest in ancient Greece (other boy) and ancient Rome (my ds), and other assorted bits and pieces of history, and science and other topics not normally discussed (at least, not at great length) among their peers.

 

About three years ago, one of the moms in my playgroup described my ds as "quirky"...and he certainly is. That mom is the parent of two very gifted (and very quirky) boys, but sadly, her ds does not like my son at all. Her ds is also one of three kids in the group who have hit or shoved (or both) my son.

 

From the group's perspective, some of my son's quirkiness probably manifests as an unwillingness to follow the group for the sake of following the group. One of my friends considers this an exceptionally admirable trait, but another parent advised me to tell my son that refusing to do things with a group of people just because you, personally, do not want to do those things, will eventually cause you to be lonely and friendless.

 

My son is also still somewhat immature; the other kids want to sit around and talk, and my son wants to play like when they were younger. He's not on the spectrum, but he does seem to be missing certain social cues that most kids understand by now - that a funny joke is, well, funny, the first time it's told, but telling it again immediately afterward is less likely to elicit the same hearty response, and by the third (fourth, fifth) time, it really isn't funny anymore. He still interrupts people. His former best friend told his mom that (my ds) "is just SO annoying, mom!" And, he will do something that is annoying even though he knows it's annoying - not because he's mean, but I think...because any response is better than none at all. When we talk about this (doing things that are annoying even when the others ask him to stop), he looks chagrined and a little sad/dismayed that he wasn't responding to the cues.

 

We are working on these things. My ds is a very, very bright kid, and at least for now, he's also an excellent example of asynchronous development.

Edited August 19, 2011 by WorkInProgress

[KarenC]

I have a 12 yo dd who is very quirky and has such a hard time making friends. She does have one friend who is a little quirky, but they live 30 minutes away and she goes to public school. There aren't many opportunities for them to get together. I keep hoping a quirky girl will move into the neighborhood.

 

 

Karen