What do you say/do when your child is innocently rude?

[k2bdeutmeyer]

We were at our WIC appointment today and while we were in the office with the nurse DD4 leans over to me and in a quiet voice (but definitely not a whisper) says "the person looks like a chipmunk"! And well....she kinda did.

 

I just ignored the comment and changed the subject (we talked about it when we got home), but what is the right thing to do in that situation?

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I just tell mine that it isn't nice and we don't talk about people. My ds will not let things go so I have to accept it (yes ds, you're right, but it isn't nice to talk about people). Obviously I make sure no one hears me. He does the same if someone is overweight, but not all the time.

[Lara in Colo]

I usually try to say something on the spot about how that doesn't really change how we feel about that person, so it doesn't matter.

 

Then I talk about things that do matter enough to comment on (about the person child just insulted)

 

Nice

helpful

pretty

dressed well

 

Basically compliments to soften the insult (especially if the person heard)

 

These situations are hard, but I always try to get the child to see the person in a different light and let the person know that children are children, but that I can try to control how the child looks at people in the future.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I guess it was more the fact that she could hear DD and subsequently anything I said. I am not sure if she heard her, or if she understood that DD was talking about her, but it just got me thinking, that I really am not sure what to do in that instance.

 

If we are alone and nobody can hear us, I have no problem explaining how it could hurt someone's feelings, etc.

[lea1]

After this happened once, I purposely spent some time talking to my sons at home about how everyone is different and we don't make comments about how people look, smell, what people might say, etc. We talked about how it can hurt peoples feelings and how they might feel if someone said something about them, etc.

 

We talked about it several times, in an age appropriate way, enough so that when we are in public, I can normally say (very quietly) "don't stare" or simply "no, not now", if one of them starts to say something. I have found that I tend to be very aware and I notice things like this before they see it most of the time so I can be watching them, their body language, their response and be a step ahead of them most of the time.

 

My sons love doing role play also and I think that really helps them remember.

[Parrothead]

I would try to play it off with the person insulted while apologizing profusely. Then when I got kiddo out to the car we'd have a serious (all the while trying to keep a straight face) conversation about how talking about people like that is rude.

[Abigail4476]

I don't think I would have said anything in the moment, either. Or maybe I would have laughed and said, "And what do I look like? An anteater?" (Assuming I could think that quickly.)

 

Kids are bluntly honest, and most days that's a lovable quality, but they do need to learn that some things hurt others and therefore shouldn't be said. Maybe you could explain that people don't like to be compared to animals and leave it at that? :D

 

Unfortunately, most of a child's sense of what is socially acceptable and what isn't comes with trial and error. Seeing that someone is hurt by a comment is one of the best deterrents for making a similar comment again.

[TXBeth]

"Well, DD, that's an interesting observation, but it's not polite to make comments about how someone looks. Please be quiet for a few minutes now so Mommy can finish this conversation."

[twoforjoy]

It depends on the comment. When my son was smaller, he'd sometimes make comments about people's size or skin color (i.e., "That woman is really fat" or "That man is dark brown"). I'd just say something right then about how people come in all different sizes or colors, and isn't that a great thing. Then, when we were in private, I'd explain that you can hurt people's feelings by talking about their appearance, and it's not what matters about them anyway, so we don't make comments about what other people look like.

 

I'm not sure how I'd respond to that specific comment, though. "Some people look like chipmunks, and isn't that great?!" just doesn't seem right. ;) I think I'd have been inclined, if the person being talked about pretended not to hear, to pretend along with them, ignore it for the moment, then address why we don't talk about people's appearance when we were in private.

[plansrme]

what is the right thing to do in that situation?

 

I don't know about the "right" thing, but if you are my mother, you store it in your Mom Brain and mention it in front of your son's friends at every.single.opportunity, starting when your son is oh, about 13, and continuing until you have extracted enough revenge. That should be at least 30 years.

 

Terri

[Jennifer3141]

I don't know about the "right" thing, but if you are my mother, you store it in your Mom Brain and mention it in front of your son's friends at every.single.opportunity, starting when your son is oh, about 13, and continuing until you have extracted enough revenge. That should be at least 30 years.

 

Terri

 

Oh wow. It is hard to let go of some stuff our moms have done, isn't it?? :D:D

I have a mother who throws my high school boyfriend in my face every once in a while. Uh, that was 25 YEARS ago and I've been married to my SECOND husband for 11 years now.

 

Was anyone else wondering how this person looked like a chipmunk? Stripes??

 

I usually make a joke out of it and say to the kid, "Well, you look a bit turkey-ish today" and apologize to whomever might have been offended. And then on the car ride home, we'd go over kindness again.

 

I'm also the mother of the three year old girl who walked up to a really obese woman at the grocery store once and asked her if she was growing babies out of her knees, her butt, AND her tummy. DD was awestruck. She really thought that poor woman was some kind of walking baby factory. :glare:

[scrappyhappymama]

Was anyone else wondering how this person looked like a chipmunk? Stripes??

 

 

 

I'm guessing cheeks. We often comment on the cute chipmunky cheeks of my friend's little boy. But, I'm suspecting an adult might not consider the same to be a complement!

[k2bdeutmeyer]

She actually was referring to Alvin & the Chipmunks. I knew immediately after she said it & I looked at the woman that that was what she meant. The woman really did look like a chipmunk from the movie.

[Sahamamama]

What I do is blush, LOL. :blush: Seriously, I have that kind of complexion that just goes -- Whoop! -- bright red, from nape to pate.

 

And blushing is, in and of itself, a bit embarrassing, which of course means I then brush an even brighter shade of crimson. :blushing:

 

One of my daughters said something to a very short woman at church, along the lines of, "Wow! You're so short, I'm almost as tall as you are! Isn't that funny?" While this woman was embarrassed, she had the grace to laugh and admit to being short. But I could tell it bothered her to hear it.

 

I shushed my daughter, and apologized right there on the spot. "Sorry, I thought we had covered that lesson in manners, so sorry." And then later, in the van, we talked gently to our daughter about not making comments about the physical appearance of others, unless our comments are complimentary (as in, "You look so lovely with your new haircut").

 

I do think that handling these comments depends on the child's age and personality. With a quiet, introverted child, I would be thankful for any notice taken of others, and might even try to draw out more observations (quietly) -- as in, "And what else do you see?" And then, right there in front of the "subject," I would explain that usually we don't talk about people in front of them, rather we talk with them. And I'd ask the child, "What would you like to ask this person?" Conversation grows us.

 

But in our case, the child who commented is outgoing, friendly, talkative, articulate, curious, and kind. She's bright, but in a bookish way, LOL, not in a clued-into-her-surroundings way. IOW, I have no doubt about the "innocence" of her comment, but also believe in her ability to learn The Rules.

 

And I think that most generous people make allowances for the "blabbings and blurtings" of clueless wee ones. HTH.

[TXBeth]

She actually was referring to Alvin & the Chipmunks. I knew immediately after she said it & I looked at the woman that that was what she meant. The woman really did look like a chipmunk from the movie.

 

In that case, I might have just said "You mean Jeanette (or Brittany or Eleanor)? Yes, she is beautiful, isn't she? Maybe you could ask her if she likes to sing like they do?" Then follow it with something like a PP said about it being better to talk to someone instead of talking about them.

[SeekingHim77]

I think you handled it perfectly. :001_smile:

[swellmomma]

I tell them, that we don't talk about other people like that because it could hurt their feelings. I tell them that immediately, just as I would do if they were pointing at someone. With that I lower their arm while reminding them we don't point because it could hurt someone's feelings. At home we discuss things like that and relate it to them (how they feel when someone is talking about them etc)