How do I raise altruistic, spontaneously thoughtful children?

[fastforward]

This is probably a really stupid question, right?

 

I just read an email from a friend where it's mentioned that her son spontaneously (ok, it was over Thanksgiving dinner, so it was prompted by *something*) told his family that he was thankful because there were homeless people out there who didn't have the things that his family has. His thoughts spurred another family member into action and now she will be volunteering with a children's group in Cameroon. I think it's awesome what's she is doing, but I was left with the idea that, gosh, I do not think my children would come up with such a spontaneous thankful thought! What am I doing wrong? Or maybe I'm not thinking highly enough of my kids?

 

I must admit, my children are more on the introverted side while that particular child is quite an extrovert. However, I don't think this type of altruism is necessarily connected to that aspect of one's personality. My daughters are definitely kind to each other and one of them usually gives to her sisters and to my DH and me before she gives to herself, but she has never offered grander gestures like giving up her birthday money to someone or a group less fortunate or anything like that.

 

My daughters have been on numerous trips to different nursing homes and have done a few service projects for both animals and humans through scouts, so they have had exposure of doing selfless acts for others. I won't lie, though, and say I'm not envious when I hear others (like my friend's son) who suddenly pipe up with thoughtful gestures about those less fortunate.

 

If you've made it this far, are there any more tangible things that I could do with my kids to foster their giving sides? What successful things do families do together to show service to others that encourages the children to branch out in their own thoughtful ways?

 

Thanks in advance if you got this far. I know this was a little wordy, especially when I'm not a regular poster here. :o

[Kathleen in VA]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong necessarily. Your children sound very sweet. I think the most important thing to do is to model generosity. Also, you might praise them more when they do something without being asked. But, still, I think you're being a little hard on yourself. Not everyone is cut out to take a trip to Cameroon.

 

Today I took dd18 to the pulmonologist for yet another asthma test (metacholine challenge). Anyway, the receiving nurse (the one who calls your name and takes your back to the room and takes you blood pressure, etc.) came out and called another patient back. This patient was elderly and pushing a canister of oxygen on wheels. The nurse was pleasant and kind and I thought, perhaps that is the the one sweet thing that will happen to that person (the patient) all day. I suppose many such people visit that doctor pretty regularly and that nurse is a bright spot in their day. It doesn't take much to lift someone up and encourage them. This nurse is doing what she can in her sphere of influence - she isn't just doing her job - she's doing it with kindness, gentleness, care and concern. If you raise children who can do that, I think you most definitely are doing something right.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Hey mama, never apologize for the length of a post first of all...you take all the pixel space you need.

 

I read your post twice, and I kept looking for examples of conversations with your kids.

 

Have you talked to them about it one on one, or as a family..about this virtue/value..whatever you want to call it.

 

They might surprise you. :)

[Daisy Mommy]

I constantly stress in my home that "People are more important then Things"...

I think this is huge and it's one of my most repeated phrases...

 

My mom used to drop off lunches and waters to homeless people on her way to my dad's work when I was little and I remembered that...Nothing works better then setting the example! (my opinion) If you make it a point to be altruistic and spontaneously thoughtful I'm sure the children will try to be too.

 

It sounds like you're doing a great job!

[happygrrl]

Be an altruistic, spontaneously thoughtful person. In my experience, children model their parents actions more readily than their words. :)

[fastforward]

The nurse was pleasant and kind and I thought, perhaps that is the the one sweet thing that will happen to that person (the patient) all day. I suppose many such people visit that doctor pretty regularly and that nurse is a bright spot in their day. It doesn't take much to lift someone up and encourage them. This nurse is doing what she can in her sphere of influence - she isn't just doing her job - she's doing it with kindness, gentleness, care and concern. If you raise children who can do that, I think you most definitely are doing something right.

 

This is so true and it's good that you and your children were able to see that small kindness in the midst of other things going on in that office. :001_smile:

 

I do try to model this type of behavior with my children -- to do a job with that same kindness, care and concern -- and I think in some small ways it has rubbed off on them. My oldest daughter struggles with being selfish at times, and has to be reminded to share with her sisters, but my middle daughter would give you the shirt off of her back in a heartbeat! They have both pointed out that my volunteering with scouts has enabled them to do some interesting things, but that doesn't mean they have suggested giving away their savings to others just yet! :tongue_smilie:

 

Sometimes I have thought of visiting places of worship that focus more on social justice in order for my kids to "pick up" more of the idea of benevolence and caring. I've noticed that the religion that they are being brought up in does not touch upon being a giver as much as I like.

[fastforward]

BTW, thanks for the responses. I appreciate them.

[MelanieM]

Well, the comment from the little boy in the OP is like something my kids might say. But I don't really think it's because they're so amazingly altruistic as much as because we have a regular practice of expressing things we're thankful for. In other words, I wouldn't say my kids are always little angels just because of a comment like that... they're still regular kids who are sometimes sweet and kind, and sometimes selfish little tyrants! I think that's all part of growing up.

 

I do think that the best thing we can do to foster a certain behaviour/attitude in our children is modeling that behaviour ourselves. That really does seem to be the easiest way for kids to pick up anything (for better or worse!). But we also need to have reasonable expectations of them, especially when they're little. It's *entirely normal* for a little kid to not want to give up their savings and the chance of a new doll for something that might seem completely abstract to them in discussion.

[sparrow]

This is probably a really stupid question, right?

 

I just read an email from a friend where it's mentioned that her son spontaneously (ok, it was over Thanksgiving dinner, so it was prompted by *something*) told his family that he was thankful because there were homeless people out there who didn't have the things that his family has. His thoughts spurred another family member into action and now she will be volunteering with a children's group in Cameroon. I think it's awesome what's she is doing, but I was left with the idea that, gosh, I do not think my children would come up with such a spontaneous thankful thought! What am I doing wrong? Or maybe I'm not thinking highly enough of my kids?

 

I must admit, my children are more on the introverted side while that particular child is quite an extrovert. However, I don't think this type of altruism is necessarily connected to that aspect of one's personality. My daughters are definitely kind to each other and one of them usually gives to her sisters and to my DH and me before she gives to herself, but she has never offered grander gestures like giving up her birthday money to someone or a group less fortunate or anything like that.

 

My daughters have been on numerous trips to different nursing homes and have done a few service projects for both animals and humans through scouts, so they have had exposure of doing selfless acts for others. I won't lie, though, and say I'm not envious when I hear others (like my friend's son) who suddenly pipe up with thoughtful gestures about those less fortunate.

 

If you've made it this far, are there any more tangible things that I could do with my kids to foster their giving sides? What successful things do families do together to show service to others that encourages the children to branch out in their own thoughtful ways?

 

Thanks in advance if you got this far. I know this was a little wordy, especially when I'm not a regular poster here. :o

 

I think you're doing a fine job! No worries there.

 

I agree that I don't think it is related to the introverted/extroverted parts of one's personality, but I *do* think it is a personality type. My son sounds like your friend's son and I don't really feel that we can take any credit for it. We have tried to model generosity and equality, but he has always been one to take it a step further. His empathy is both a curse and a blessing. He thinks too much and hurts too much, if you know what I mean.

 

Last year we were at the funeral of my husband's best friend (died at only 38 :(). My 10 yo son looked at the memorial picture and said, "I feel so sad that he won't see his kids grow up", teared up, walked over to our friend's wife and said, "I'm so sorry you lost your husband." I was really proud of him, but it floored me. No way, at 10 years of age, would I have been thinking such things or approaching adults in that situation.

[unsinkable]

Be an altruistic, spontaneously thoughtful person. In my experience, children model their parents actions more readily than their words. :)

 

:iagree:

 

Start by being who you want them to be. It might not always work; children are not computers that we program. Not that you think that. But so many of us have had 'oh, what did I do wrong?' moments w/our kids, I like to keep it in mind.

[MelanieM]

To add... in addition to regularly voicing gratitude lists, we also do things like have the kids put aside a portion of their money for sharing (we do a spending/saving/sharing split of allowances and such), purchase toys for the giving tree during the holidays, accept gifts for less fortunate children in lieu of gifts for self for birthday parties, etc. We're also now looking at sponsoring a child through one of the various charitable organizations that manage such things, and we just talked about purchasing food for the local food bank as part of our weekly grocery store trip. And the idea I'm most excited about... random acts of kindness! We're going to look at leaving little 'love notes' and such laying around for people to find, or perhaps randomly giving presents to strangers. I love doing that! :D

 

I think there are lots of ways to make giving and thankfulness a regular part of life. And given the chance, kids will come up with lots of beautiful ideas for how to do that themselves.

 

Oh! I'm also very careful not to discourage spontaneous giving by my children. My son in particular loves to randomly give Pokemon cards and such to other kids, and has always been one to give coins away to anyone and everyone. I have always smiled and let him give away whatever he chooses, and have occasionally encouraged a recipient (typically adults) to *please* accept the gift graciously so that he can benefit from that experience. Usually adults tend to not want to take things from little kids, and I think that does them such a disservice. How can you learn to give with grace if no one ever models receiving graciously for you?

[waa510]

This is so true and it's good that you and your children were able to see that small kindness in the midst of other things going on in that office. :001_smile:

 

I do try to model this type of behavior with my children -- to do a job with that same kindness, care and concern -- and I think in some small ways it has rubbed off on them. My oldest daughter struggles with being selfish at times, and has to be reminded to share with her sisters, but my middle daughter would give you the shirt off of her back in a heartbeat! They have both pointed out that my volunteering with scouts has enabled them to do some interesting things, but that doesn't mean they have suggested giving away their savings to others just yet! :tongue_smilie:

 

Sometimes I have thought of visiting places of worship that focus more on social justice in order for my kids to "pick up" more of the idea of benevolence and caring. I've noticed that the religion that they are being brought up in does not touch upon being a giver as much as I like.

 

 

 

Well, I'm a UU (Unitarian Universalist) and we have a whole group within our congregation related to Social Justice. We are *always* doing something for our local community, a national organization, or the world. We also frequently have sermons in which representatives from these organizations come to speak about the work they do, and how we can assist in those efforts. I'm new to our area, but it still amazed me how many non-profit groups are in our area that help those less fortunate in our community that I had no idea even existed. I'd definitely recommend a UU church for this purpose. :)

[grace'smom]

I think at this age the focus should be on getting the kids to be kind to each other, and then branch it out into the larger society. For example, sometimes if kids live in a highly sheltered world where people don't talk about things like homelessness, the kids won't know enough to think of it. I told my daughter so many times that she's lucky, that there are people out there with no homes, etc., but it wasn't real to her. However, in the past year we've gone back to attending our old church in the city. Now she sees me handing granola bars out the car window to the homeless on our way home from church. She sees the homeless standing in line for sandwiches and drinks on our way into the church building. Now she knows about it in a way she really understands. She thinks about them and wonders where they take a bath when she's in her nice warm tub. She wonders where they are sleeping when she gets in her bed at night. She makes bagged lunches to hand out. She draws pictures and writes encouraging notes to put in the bags for them. She is very giving in that way. HOWEVER- if you ask her to share her toys you've got a whole different ball game going on. Making sandwiches is a wonderful step toward awareness, and it's definitely altruistic, but she's not giving the shirt off her back. When she's got to share her favorite princess dress up with the kid from next door she's got her real challenge and it's very intense for her. But I know that helping her learn to share that dress is also helping her become a better person, KWIM? The dress is the real key to future altruism. This is why I think you have to start small and build up. I'm not trying to diminish what my daughter does for the homeless, but right now she does it with our money and her endless free time. I want her to keep building on it so that when it's her money and her very precious, rare free time she will still want to do it.

 

I'm not sure any of that really made sense... I guess I'm saying that if you can get your kids to be kind to each other you've laid the foundation for the rest of it.

[katilac]

Some of us lack the spontaneous gene. Really, it's never going to happen. I do try to be a good person and contribute to humanity, but it occurs in more of a "written down in my planner" way, rather than spontaneously.

 

It's not nearly as fun of a story to tell, of course.

 

"Oh, how did you get involved with this charity?"

 

"Well, you see, dh and I were reviewing our activites and life in general, as we are wont to do, and realized we we were ready to take on something new. So we made a shortlist, did some research, and, voila!"

 

Yeah, it lacks punch :lol: but the end result is the same.

[Sputterduck]

How? By being altruistic and spontaneously thankful yourself. And then incorporating frequent conversations about why being that way is important.

[bookfiend]

The same way you taught them to share, and to tell the truth, and to work diligently. Gratitude and acts of service are part of character training and family culture.

[deballen7]

We have at times put up a sign that said, Kind, True and Helpful as a reminder that everything we say should be kind, true, AND helpful! Sometimes they get hung up on the fact that something might be true, but I have to remind them that it isn't kind or helpful!

 

Deb