Do you have a (ahem) friend who uses you?

[plain jane]

I'm guessing most would say "no" because that person would not be a friend, huh? :tongue_smilie:

 

Sigh.

 

Well, I do. :( Dh keeps insisting I walk away from this person and our supposed friendship but I can't. It's not just because I'm a glutton for punishment, but because we have far too many mutual friends and we see each other so often (co-op, park days, playdates at other peoples' homes, field trips, classes, etc) that walking away would be awkward at best.

 

So I just grin and bear it. Or maybe I should grin and bare it. ;) :p

 

I won't lie to myself anymore though- it hurts. :( I don't like crying or feeling so down on myself every other time I get off the phone or see this person. How can people be so self centered and inconsiderate of others' feelings all the while claiming to be a friend? :crying:

 

I don't want to go into details on a public forum but how do I make this more tolerable for me? My heart is heavy and it hurts. Yet again. :glare:

 

Yes, this person knows what is going on as I've received apologies and comments stating as much. Doesn't stop it from happening though. No, I really can't walk away from this friendship. Our kids are close and we have way too many mutual friends and a big fallout would really ruin things. I value the relationships I have built with others in our circle so I really can't make waves, iykwim.

 

This just stinks.

[Pretty in Pink]

Yes, this person knows what is going on as I've received apologies and comments stating as much. Doesn't stop it from happening though. No, I really can't walk away from this friendship. Our kids are close and we have way too many mutual friends and a big fallout would really ruin things. I value the relationships I have built with others in our circle so I really can't make waves, iykwim.

 

I don't really know what you mean. If the other people in this circle are good friends then the status of your friendship with this other person shouldn't matter. If the other friends would drop you over this person then they are not really good friends.

 

The thing is that you can walk away from this relationship if you choose to do so. You are choosing not to do so. You are putting the comfort or convenience or whatever of others above your own feelings. Why? Your feelings are important and worthy of value. You do not have to be friends with someone who makes you feel so badly. You just don't. It really is your choice.

 

You deserve friends that value your friendship and build you up.

[FaithManor]

Limit the time with this person. Arrange for playdates for the kids on your terms, two hours at the park, etc. Don't invite her to your home and be busy A LOT. Get caller id. and screen your phone calls. Discriminate about which phone calls you want to return.

 

My sil really tries to take advantage of us.

 

You don't have to walk away completely, but you do also need to limit the contact and not feel guilty for doing so. It can be hard to say no and yet so liberating.

 

Faith

[celticmom]

Are you sure that your mutual friends do not feel the same way you do about this person? If she is behaving in this manner toward you, I would guess that she is also behaving that way toward others as well.

[plain jane]

I don't really know what you mean. If the other people in this circle are good friends then the status of your friendship with this other person shouldn't matter. If the other friends would drop you over this person then they are not really good friends.

 

The thing is that you can walk away from this relationship if you choose to do so. You are choosing not to do so. You are putting the comfort or convenience or whatever of others above your own feelings. Why? Your feelings are important and worthy of value. You do not have to be friends with someone who makes you feel so badly. You just don't. It really is your choice.

 

You deserve friends that value your friendship and build you up.

 

Well, we do a lot of group stuff. I know it'll get awkward and potentially messy if I make waves. It has potential to get ugly and I don't want to put others in the middle or have us all stop meeting as a group.

 

You're right. I am choosing to not do something. I just don't know anymore. :( It feels like which ever way I go, I'm wrong. Ugh. Yah. I should suck it up and not whine. I just fee stuck due to circumstances. But you're right. I'm not. :tongue_smilie:

 

There's not a ton of homeschoolers around here as it is and I don't really need to make my kids' world of friends any smaller at this point.

[Carol in Cal.]

Your choices are not 'be BFF's or be enemies'. There is a middle ground. You can politely cut some conversations a bit shorter, if that is the issue. You can decline to take charge of this person's children if that is the issue. You can focus more on others who you would like to be friends with without dumping this person completely. In fact, that would probably be the most polite way to handle this, especially since you're in the same social circle.

[Emmy]

I don't think it's quite as simple as assuming all the other friends in the circle will agree and support the OP. I totally understand the complication of needing to distance from another person but finding it impossible because of all the mutual friends involved. To the OP - I would try to find a way to not let her take advantage. Without knowing the details (and I certainly understand why you don't want to post them) I would say just to avoid giving her the opportunity for her to take advantage. If she dumps her kids on you, don't be available. If she promises to do a project together and bails - don't sign up to work with her. If she says she will meet you somewhere and doesn't show, be busy when she wants to get together, etc.

[WeeBeaks]

You can be distant but polite, and no further. See her at group functions, but don't call her and don't pick up the phone when she calls you. Don't invite just her over, and don't go to her house. Just see her at group functions and that is all. You can be polite but not encouraging, and not letting her take advantage of you.

[Janie Grace]

Your choices are not 'be BFF's or be enemies'. There is a middle ground. You can politely cut some conversations a bit shorter, if that is the issue. You can decline to take charge of this person's children if that is the issue. You can focus more on others who you would like to be friends with without dumping this person completely. In fact, that would probably be the most polite way to handle this, especially since you're in the same social circle.

 

I agree. I think you can emotionally back away without cutting things off completely.

[threelilbirds]

I have a friend like this that I have known since high school. She is very high drama, and everything is about her, her , her. Anytime I had an issue that I needed a friend for (problems with SO, parenting, etc.) she would back away from me, and wouldnt return phone calls..etc. But never failed the next week, she was calling me with her drama.

SHe also always was the expert, in everything, from parenting, homeschooling, business, college, cooking, exercising, everything! She always made me feel inferior..

We hadnt talked for a couple of years, then just got in contact again a few months ago, talked on the phone, got together about 5 times, and it was the same old story.

I decided it is NOT worth my time, and I have other friends who make me feel good..so I cut her loose :)

[Pretty in Pink]

I guess I wasn't very specific. I was referring to distancing yourself from the person in question, not starting WWIII over her using ways. I wouldn't make a big issue out of it, but I would become unavailable as necessary and hope she took the hint. If she chooses to make a big issue out of it then that is on her. I wouldn't make a big issue out of it. I just wouldn't do individual things with her anymore and when she called I would be busy and keep it short.

 

:grouphug: I do understand how this can be difficult when the children involved all enjoy one another's company.

[*Inna*]

Limit the time with this person. Arrange for playdates for the kids on your terms, two hours at the park, etc. Don't invite her to your home and be busy A LOT. Get caller id. and screen your phone calls. Discriminate about which phone calls you want to return.

 

I agree with PPs. You don't have to "make waves", just slowly back away from this person.

[plain jane]

I guess I wasn't very specific. I was referring to distancing yourself from the person in question, not starting WWIII over her using ways. I wouldn't make a big issue out of it, but I would become unavailable as necessary and hope she took the hint. If she chooses to make a big issue out of it then that is on her. I wouldn't make a big issue out of it. I just wouldn't do individual things with her anymore and when she called I would be busy and keep it short.

 

:grouphug: I do understand how this can be difficult when the children involved all enjoy one another's company.

 

Oh, I know didn't mean starting WWIII over this. I'd lose anyways- she can be m.e.a.n. :001_unsure:

 

Your post did resonate with me. Dh tells me that too- just walk away. Or if I'm crying he'll reassure me but then tell me that I'm choosing to let her hurt me by continuing the friendship.

 

He doesn't really understand how difficult it can be to find homeschooling friends you have things in common with & kids who get along. It's not that I mean to choose to allow her to hurt me (though I do realize this is the case) it's that I choose to stick it out despite the hurts because I think it'll be better overall (or maybe just in the long run :confused:)

 

Thank you for your thoughts. You're right about what you said. That's part of why I'm so conflicted over this. I could end it so easily but then I'd lose so much more.

[FaithManor]

Oh, I know didn't mean starting WWIII over this. I'd lose anyways- she can be m.e.a.n. :001_unsure:

 

Your post did resonate with me. Dh tells me that too- just walk away. Or if I'm crying he'll reassure me but then tell me that I'm choosing to let her hurt me by continuing the friendship.

 

He doesn't really understand how difficult it can be to find homeschooling friends you have things in common with & kids who get along. It's not that I mean to choose to allow her to hurt me (though I do realize this is the case) it's that I choose to stick it out despite the hurts because I think it'll be better overall (or maybe just in the long run :confused:)

 

Thank you for your thoughts. You're right about what you said. That's part of why I'm so conflicted over this. I could end it so easily but then I'd lose so much more.

 

:grouphug: Let me say this gently from experience...it is not always better to suck it up for the sake of the kids. Children are pretty resilient and once the relationship deteriorates to the level of stress you describe above, it's damaging. Children do feed off their parents emotions and if they get a sense that going to activities, participating in outings with this woman, aloowing her to take advantage of you in so that they might participate, well....it begins losing it's luster for them as well. You don't want them to harbor any secret guilt about it. Better to close ranks and enjoy each other as a family, limiting outings within the group to just a few select, least likely to result in hurt feelings events per year, then to continue on...the stress for you isn't good and by default, it ultimately isn't good for your family as well.

 

BTDT! It's not easy and I'm sorry my message isn't more affirming, but it probably is for the best.

 

Faith

[CariS]

I've been in a similar situation. It was very confusing, on one hand I knew it wasn't healthy for me (or my family) but the possibility that I would have nothing/no one if I stepped back from it was scary as well.

 

Boy am I glad I did. It was rough at first, and a bit lonely. In the end with all that free time I was able to make other connections. Healthy, more meaningful connections that I might not have made with her still in my life.

 

You know that saying, close one door and another one opens? Well life is too short to keep open the doors that only let in negativity.

 

~Cari

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

Limit the time with this person. Arrange for playdates for the kids on your terms, two hours at the park, etc. Don't invite her to your home and be busy A LOT. Get caller id. and screen your phone calls. Discriminate about which phone calls you want to return.

 

My sil really tries to take advantage of us.

 

You don't have to walk away completely, but you do also need to limit the contact and not feel guilty for doing so. It can be hard to say no and yet so liberating.

 

Faith

 

Oh, I know didn't mean starting WWIII over this. I'd lose anyways- she can be m.e.a.n. :001_unsure:

 

Your post did resonate with me. Dh tells me that too- just walk away. Or if I'm crying he'll reassure me but then tell me that I'm choosing to let her hurt me by continuing the friendship.

 

He doesn't really understand how difficult it can be to find homeschooling friends you have things in common with & kids who get along. It's not that I mean to choose to allow her to hurt me (though I do realize this is the case) it's that I choose to stick it out despite the hurts because I think it'll be better overall (or maybe just in the long run :confused:)

 

Thank you for your thoughts. You're right about what you said. That's part of why I'm so conflicted over this. I could end it so easily but then I'd lose so much more.

 

:grouphug: Let me say this gently from experience...it is not always better to suck it up for the sake of the kids. Children are pretty resilient and once the relationship deteriorates to the level of stress you describe above, it's damaging. Children do feed off their parents emotions and if they get a sense that going to activities, participating in outings with this woman, aloowing her to take advantage of you in so that they might participate, well....it begins losing it's luster for them as well. You don't want them to harbor any secret guilt about it. Better to close ranks and enjoy each other as a family, limiting outings within the group to just a few select, least likely to result in hurt feelings events per year, then to continue on...the stress for you isn't good and by default, it ultimately isn't good for your family as well.

 

BTDT! It's not easy and I'm sorry my message isn't more affirming, but it probably is for the best.

 

Faith

 

I just need an "I agree with Faith" button. She's said everything I was going to say.

[kwickimom]

I had 2 friends like this. I put one in her place and got rid of the other. I was like you and worried about the fallout because we all had mutual friends. It was weird for like a week or so and now its fine. The one I got rid of...was a blessing. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders and within a week I had 3 new friends. And I have lived in this tiny town forever and swore I would never have any new friends.

 

It was literally like because I let her go and God blessed me with new ones :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've had to set boundaries with 'friends' who use me. If they (consistently) use me for cheap labor - then I tell them politely that I'm not available to help. If they use me as a whipping post, I tell them that they may not treat me like that and walk away. If they use me for drama, I either shut up and just "listen" while letting my mind wander or I say "I'm so sorry" and then change the subject. What I've found is that when they find that I'm no longer available to use, that they move to another target. Being users means that they don't want to work at anything - including using me!