Donna Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Say someone very close to you (think parent, inlaw, sibling, spouse, or significant other) has been doing something self destructive for years. I am being very vague here because it could be anything that is not good either for them or your relationship with them. You love the person but do not like what they are doing. Over the years, there have been promises of change that last for short periods of time but the behavior eventually resumes. I am talking about about a repeated pattern, not just one incident. So, say the person decides to change again. The change would be wonderful for your relationship and you really, really want them to change the behavior not only for that relationship but for their own health. Do you tend to... 1. Be cautiously optimistic-say what you need to say to help them stay on track and in the back of your mind hope and pray it will last. Think maybe this will be the time it works. 2. Hope/pray for change and say positive things to them but think in your mind it probably won't last based on past experience. Think you'll enjoy the reprieve but not counting on continued success because you don't want to be hurt again. 2. Have difficulty forgiving them for past transgressions so have difficulty being the least bit helpful or optimistic. 4. Some combination of the above or something I haven't even thought of. Just going through this type of situation and have thoughts that range through all these possibilities at different times though I am praying this time the shock of a health scare will bring about lasting change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Some combination. 1. Absolutely I would offer up any assistance I can to support them in their change. Lifestyle changes are hard and it helps if you know people have your back. 2. Yes, sure. Perfectly normal reaction to past experience. That doesn't preclude offering my support, though. 3. This is the tough one. It's the one you have to work on yourself to get to the place where you can let go of both the past and any future expectations you have for your relationship and just make it about their health. Does that make sense? None of this is to say I would practice or advocate unconditional support. I have withdrawn from a person with ongoing issues - none of which affect me personally, past or present - because it was clear, despite what she was telling me, that she had not walked away from them. I am simply unwilling to be involved in that. :grouphug: you work on your stuff, and do what you are able to support them working on their stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I think it is nice to say encouraging things to the person. I think it is human nature for you to be a little guarded of your own hope that it will last. If it is something like an addiction, then lot of people have been though this same thing. Al-ANon helps relatives of alcoholics deal with just these types of feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 2. Hope/pray for change and say positive things to them but think in your mind it probably won't last based on past experience. Think you'll enjoy the reprieve but not counting on continued success because you don't want to be hurt again. This. I would offer support and help. But I would be fully prepared for the very likely possibility that it all comes to nothing. Adult people rarely change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Accept their limitations, love them through their weaknesses and be there to encourage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I would think "actions speak louder than words", and if their declaration meant money, time, effort from me (e.g. they get out of consequences for having gotten boozed up and dented your car) I would say, "that's nice, but you still owe me for the fender." I know some people who simply cannot accept/see/acknowledge bad parts of people they love, but it has never bothered me if those I love are flawed, so I think I agonize over what you are asking less than most people. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 I have relatives with a long history of physical, psychological, and substance abuse. When the abuse has gotten to the point of physically hurting innocent persons, I have called the authorities. So when there are promises of reform, I've accepted them, but not to the point of putting myself or my family in a situation where we being abused physically or psychologically. And I've had to reestablish distance again repeatedly. I err on the side of mercy because I have not carried on that type of thing into my own family, and I certainly could have. I do believe that change is possible, but don't mess with me or my family :angry: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Pray, wish them success and sustained momentum, and make sure my own mental health is good so that I don't lose sleep or quality of life over it. If you wanted to be specific, I'd probably recommend something like Al Anon, Celebrate Recovery, etc, for the family member in relationship with this person, especially if they are having trouble with disengaging. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsBasil Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Pray, wish them success and sustained momentum, and make sure my own mental health is good so that I don't lose sleep or quality of life over it. This, plus enjoy the reprieve and be happy they are making changes. However if the reprieve doesn't last, well, it was nice while it lasted and I'm still sleeping well and not responsible for their choices. Also, if it's addiction related Al-Anon really is a wonderful program. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 If it was truly only self destructive and not destructive to others (alcoholism for example would not fit this, in my opinion) then I go with #2. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyndie Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 (edited) #2. Edited June 25, 2011 by Wyndie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Somewhere between one and two, I think. I learned a long time ago that nothing that I say or do is going to make or break a 'recovery' for someone else. They either want to change or they don't. If my loved one needed a ride to AA I would give them one, but I'm not going to take on the responsibility of tracking down the meetings, placing reminder phone calls, etc. (I mean, if the person were illiterate and really needed me to do those things then I suppose that I would, but you get what I'm saying, right? If they want to get better then they will take the steps necessary to make that happen). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 Accept their limitations, love them through their weaknesses and be there to encourage. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted June 25, 2011 Share Posted June 25, 2011 #2. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted June 26, 2011 Author Share Posted June 26, 2011 Thank you for all the replies. You all gave me some things to think about and it is nice to know I am not alone in dealing with these types of things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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