hsmom27 Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 (edited) This is all very theoretical, but it seems like there is a good chance we will be offered the option of adopting the baby of someone we sort of know. From what I know (not first hand) mom does not think she wants any sort of contact with baby or us. Again that's what I've heard second hand and even if it's true, I would err on the side of believing moms feelings could change. So besides definitely needing lawyers on both sides, what other things should we know before even considering domestic adoption? I really think I want horror stories here. I don't know if the offer will ever be made, but it's been suggested by enough people I want to know what we should say if the time comes. If it helps the baby has lived with us for the last 3 months and we all love her so much. On the other hand we had decided we were completely done when we had #6, so.... Anyway, I know I'm rambling and we're definitely not going to get all excited about the prospect, we just want to be prepared for all eventualities. Thanks. Edited: Okay, just to clarify this is the same baby I posted about several months ago. Mom was evaluated for PPD and without getting into her medical stuff, the situation was found to be a little more complicated. Mom has now been in a residential treatment facility since that time. CPS is not and has not been involved. It would be a private adoption? I guess is the term. Also 2 of our current children are already adopted (internationally) so we are familiar with those type of adoption proceedings. And because mom used donor gametes, there is no father in anyway. I guess what I'm asking is what is different about domestic adoption and what pitfalls should we know to avoid. Thanks again. Edited June 19, 2011 by littlewigglebutts Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 This is the baby you posted about before? Did the mom ever get evaluated for PPD? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelaughs_times_three Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 I guess I would consider if you can handle the possible intrusion of the birthmother at some point. Everyone has a different threshold for this possibility. The fact that she knows who you are, I think, makes it more likely that she might change her mind and inject herself into your life and her child's life in the future. She may have strong opinions on how you are raising "her kid", she may not have the influence on your adopted child that you would prefer. (I don't know her, I'm just saying this is something to think about.) I've seen families that blend really well with the birth mother. They are very open and see that relationship as another blessing to their adopted child. I've seen other situations that are disasters. You just have to decide how you would feel if the birth mother decides in the future that she now wants to become very involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Is this a foster child? If so be prepared for CPS to absolutely take forever to finalize an adoption. Ours took 2 long years due to incompetency after the parental rights were terminated. Also, if it is a foster child, make is very clear very fast if you want to adopt or the child could go to another adoptive home. Yes, this happened to someone we know. In some states there has to be an attorney for the biological parents, for the adoptive parents and an ad litem for the child. Also, in some states the father must be found first and must give consent for the adoption to occur. In our state there is even a list for fathers to put their name on if they think they may have fathered a child but lost contact with the mother. That list has to be checked before the adoption can occur. Be prepared for homestudies. Depending on who does yours, it can be very intrusive and include questions about your sex life. You will have to submit to references from friends and family, fingerprints, background checks, provide all kinds of private and personal information before you are deemed worthy. If the child's family is near yours (as in same county or whatever) be prepared to see them regularly and to hear updates about 'mom'. Friends of ours recently were asked to adopt a baby boy from someone local (cousin of a friend situation). At mother's day the friend has a large party for moms and included the biological parent. My friend had to sit there while folks tried to get the biomom to hold the baby and bond with the baby and so on. They referred to the biomom as Mom and my friend as "Heather, the woman caring for your child". Mind you the baby is several months old and since the birth the biomom has shown no interest in the baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 The father would need to give consent in most areas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZooRho Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 are you and the birthmom in the same state? If not you will have to do an interstate compact thing too. I would think it would be scary, but you have to do what is best for your family too. since you know about adoption that part is easier. now you will just have to decide how much the birth mom knows about your family and would she get too involved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Pitfall: Mom decides she wants to be mom again. She was not mentally competent to make the decision to give her child up for adoption. Judge gives child back to her despite the fact that it has been years and the adoption is "finalized". No, it isn't supposed to happen. Yes, it does/even if people say it doesn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsmom27 Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Pitfall: Mom decides she wants to be mom again. She was not mentally competent to make the decision to give her child up for adoption. Judge gives child back to her despite the fact that it has been years and the adoption is "finalized". No, it isn't supposed to happen. Yes, it does/even if people say it doesn't. Okay hadn't considered that. But it's exactly the kind of thing we need to think about. Is there something else I'm missing? Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Well, if bio mom has some significant issues, it could be that the baby will have some delays/issues as they get older which can be VERY VERY expensive---esp. if we are talking mental health issues. I would be very wary about doing a private adoption in this case. We did ours through the state foster care system and we have adoption subsidy which is a monthly stipend but the big benefit is that the kids get Medicaid (even if you do have private insurance) and they have medical subsidy for stuff that Medicaid won't pay for. This would cover psychiaitric care if it become needed at some point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 You will need a homestudy! Also I would really look into counseling for the birthmother before and after placement...even if this is just a fund that she has access to for counseling should she choose not to use it now it will be available later for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Help me understand- she used donor gametes so there is no father, correct? If that's so, she might very well change her mind once she's well. It seems plausible that since this wasn't an unplanned pregnancy that on some level she really wanted this baby. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Help me understand- she used donor gametes so there is no father, correct? If that's so, she might very well change her mind once she's well. It seems plausible that since this wasn't an unplanned pregnancy that on some level she really wanted this baby. In every state there is a length of time allowed for the birthmother to change her mind after signing the papers giving away her rights. Some states it is less than 24 hours, other states she has as long as 6 months or more to change her mind and legally take the baby back. I would find out what laws are for your state. 15 or so years ago there was a nationalized case where the birthmother took the babies from a family saying she had changed her mind when the babies were several months old. She had that right in that state. Later she then gave up the babies to another family in another state where she only had 10 days to change her mind. Apparently she decided the first family was not who she wanted to raise the babies and created all this chaos. Legally, she did nothing wrong. The countdown doesn't begin until the relinquishment papers are signed, even if the child has been with you forever so far. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 In every state there is a length of time allowed for the birthmother to change her mind after signing the papers giving away her rights. Some states it is less than 24 hours, other states she has as long as 6 months or more to change her mind and legally take the baby back. I would find out what laws are for your state. 15 or so years ago there was a nationalized case where the birthmother took the babies from a family saying she had changed her mind when the babies were several months old. She had that right in that state. Later she then gave up the babies to another family in another state where she only had 10 days to change her mind. Apparently she decided the first family was not who she wanted to raise the babies and created all this chaos. Legally, she did nothing wrong. The countdown doesn't begin until the relinquishment papers are signed, even if the child has been with you forever so far. And, in FL around 1990 (sorry, don't recall the exact date), a 3 yo child whose adoption had been finalized, who had been given up for adoption at birth with papers signed/i's dotted/t's crossed at that time, was given back to the birth parents because they had not received appropriate counseling. (She had received counseling; the judge decided it hadn't been enough.) This case occurred as dh and I were looking into domestic adoption. It is what stopped us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 And, in FL around 1990 (sorry, don't recall the exact date), a 3 yo child whose adoption had been finalized, who had been given up for adoption at birth with papers signed/i's dotted/t's crossed at that time, was given back to the birth parents because they had not received appropriate counseling. (She had received counseling; the judge decided it hadn't been enough.) This case occurred as dh and I were looking into domestic adoption. It is what stopped us. This is why I asked specifically if the birth mother has received counseling. Not just for wanting to give up her child but the circumstances surrounding how you took in the baby to begin with - which I remember as looking like PPD in the mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracieT Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I've been through two domestic, private, open adoptions, so feel free to ask any questions you have. It does depend upon the state...each state has very different laws. I am in Ohio and we only needed one attorney, a homestudy (which was in no way "intrusive" and didn't involve our sex life) and a background check. I do know agency homestudies are more involved, but I wouldn't say "intrusive." In Ohio the birthparents can sign termination at 72 hours after the birth of the baby. After signing they can not get the baby back unless they prove they signed under duress. Our entire adoptions were $3,000 each time, most of that being attorney fees, but also including $750 for the homestudy, $100 for the background checks and some living expenses for birth mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracieT Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Oh yeah...no counseling required in Ohio. It all really does depend on your state. You can look up adoption laws for your state here: http://laws.adoption.com/statutes/state-adoption-laws.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracieT Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I just looked at the Florida laws. It says consent can only be revoked if it is was obtained through fraud or under duress. A LOT has changed with adoption laws since 1990. I know everyone has a scary story, but look at your laws, follow them and things go smoothly. The horror stories you hear nowadays are of the birth parents changing their mind before termination of rights.....a couple is chosen, the baby is born, two days later the birth mom changes her mind. Which she has every right to. But yes, that is horribly painful for the adoptive parents. But once they sign to terminate rights, there's not really any way to change it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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