cat Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 My son, age 10, has a few bullies bothering him. What is the best way to teach him to handle it. I don't want to create a tattletale. I also do not want him to react so that he ends up the one in trouble. Any ideas? Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 :grouphug: It would help me to know how he is being bullied, and what (if any) acts you see him engaging in that might be attracting a bully (e.g., is he able to read social cues, etc.) I don't have a one-size-fits-all approach for this, we sort of play it by ear respective to the situation. I'm sorry he's being bullied, that's rough on both of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cat Posted May 25, 2011 Author Share Posted May 25, 2011 Yesterday at an after school christian school basketball (my child is home schooled but was invited to attend as we are in the churches home school group) My son did not know the kids at the "camp"..... he was standing in line to do the drill and while standing there waiting the much older boys started teasing him, telling him they were going to trade him for another child,,, then when they saw he was about to cry because of it, they said "aw, did we upset you?" in a sarcastic manner. I was there and I watched it unfold although I did not know what was being said.... I let it be and tried to let him work it out. At this time, I feel my son needs to find ways to ignore it.... and I'm not sure how to get him to not let it upset him and ignore it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I don't want to create a tattletale. I let it be and tried to let him work it out. At this time, I feel my son needs to find ways to ignore it.... and I'm not sure how to get him to not let it upset him and ignore it. I would be having a conversation with the coach or principal or both. Bullying is unacceptable and should be dealt with by the adults. It's not tattling to call the bullies out. And I wouldn't expect a young kid to handle it themselves, especially when it's older, bigger kids picking on him. My son had issues with bullies. The school administration got involved and took it very seriously. It was handled well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 :grouphug: You have my greatest sympathy. My DS12, who goes to school, has had to deal with a lot of this kind bullying, and some more physical stuff too. For the teasing, I tell him to ignore it. I have spent a lot time reassuring him that their taunts say far more about them than it does about him, and that there is nothing wrong with him. I point out that the more he reacts, either by looking hurt or upset, or by retaliating, the more they will do it, that they want a reaction and the more he gives them any kind of reaction the more they'll torment him. I encourage him to act confident and unperturbed. However, for the more physical bullying both DH and I have fully supported him in literally hitting back. The first time he did so he split the bully's lip and left him crying, and the school said nothing at all to him or us (this particular boy is a terrible problem for what is one of the best schools in the county, and makes the teachers' lives a misery). He has since hit another boy who was 'whipping' him with a belt, and this time the school has said that he would be disciplined if he retaliated again, although DH and I have again told him that if he is being physically attacked he has our support in doing whatever it takes to defend himself. A friend of mine who has a very pretty, highly gifted daughter who has been the victim of bullying, has her carry around a letter, written by my friend, explaining her support for her daughter physically confronting bullies. :grouphug: It is the one of the most heartbreaking experiences seeing your child go through such torment and feeling so helpless. I hope you work things out. FWIW DS12 has managed to tough it out so far, and has recently been told by one of his tormenters that he's 'getting cooler', but we have had many tears and terrible depression before getting to this point. Best wishes Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 (edited) Yesterday at an after school christian school basketball (my child is home schooled but was invited to attend as we are in the churches home school group) My son did not know the kids at the "camp"..... he was standing in line to do the drill and while standing there waiting the much older boys started teasing him, telling him they were going to trade him for another child,,, then when they saw he was about to cry because of it, they said "aw, did we upset you?" in a sarcastic manner. I was there and I watched it unfold although I did not know what was being said.... I let it be and tried to let him work it out. At this time, I feel my son needs to find ways to ignore it.... and I'm not sure how to get him to not let it upset him and ignore it. It's hard being the new kid, and I hope someone more experienced with that chimes in with some insight on that angle. I always had a gaggle of brothers and sisters around me, so I was never alone - even when new. It sounds like he needs some feeling of empowerment in that kind of situation. I do think that learning to deflect hurtful words is something that comes with maturity, and I can understand why he reacted the way he did - especially being the new kid. I also think you can practice that deflection at home. My family tends to be sarcastic and teasing, so my kids are used to hearing ME say I'M going to trade them in for another kid ... but it took my husband years of being around us to not feel stung by those kinds of words, even when he knew they weren't something we would really act on. He was insecure about his position in our family, much the way your son (being the new kid) was insecure about his position in the pack. It takes a bit of toughening up; not stuffing feelings, but realizing how the pack mentality works. Might a discussion work, sort of approaching it as a social or animal scientist: "Son, when the pride comes across a new lion x and y are common ways the pride can sniff out who the stranger is and how they will - or if they will - fit him into the existing group." This is how I explain things to my kids, sort of like we're watching a documentary. Then when I explain what he could/should/needs to do differently, it's still like we're talking about people at large and not specifically him (lest he feel attacked or criticized). My kids haven't been bullied, but my friend's kids are routinely bullied wherever they go :( this has helped them a bit because they see it's not all them - it's helped to remove some of the insecurity, and from there we work on empowering them to assert themselves. (but it is, in some part, them, so we have to work on that as well) When one feels empowered, he can better handle a bully because he's not wasting faculties wondering why it's happening - he's able to actively engage rather than passively receive. It's the difference between a volley of assertion and a beating of someone else's assertiveness. Your son needs to learn how to volley -- not in a mean-spirited manner, but in an assertive manner. He needs to know what fuels bullies' fire, and how to act differently so that he extinguishes the fire rather than feeds it. Crying fuels a bully - brainstorm with your son other ways he can process the hurt IN THE MOMENT (crying later, in private, if he's still upset or needs that physical release). Instead of crying as a passive recipient, can he take a deep breath and volley that hurt back in the form of a retort - Bully: "Aw ... did we upset you?" Son: "You wouldn't be upset if you weren't wanted?" /spoken evenly, doesn't deny being upset but doesn't give bully any more fuel or Son: "That was your intent, wasn't it? I came to play, not argue. Let's go." /shrugs it off, doesn't take it personally, knows new kids have an initiation to undergo (The key, though, is that a bully can usually sniff out insincerity; he has to be convinced that your son believes what he -your son- is saying. That's why you have to work on your son's emotional handling of the situation before you arm him with physical ways to respond to a bully.) Ignoring won't help your son's confidence in a new social situation. Many adults have a difficult time in new social situations, too; explain that to him! Ignoring bullies seems to be common advice, but I think that makes kids more of a target in many ways. Almost like a challenge (to a bully). You really just need to take these kinds of people by surprise, by the horns. Engage them; don't mirror their actions or words, but turn them around on them so that they lose that control they're trying to exert. I think you're wise to let him work it out himself, and think it could help to approach this as a subject - sociology or social biology LOL - and give him insight to why kids act this way, then empower him to assert himself and control his end of an interaction with a bully. This was long, sorry. I don't even know if it makes any sense. I've studied people and societies my entire life and academic career, so I tend to explain things out this way to the kids in my life. My friends think I'm weird, but I swear most kids get it :D Edited May 25, 2011 by eternalknot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I found the Christian community the ones unable to take bullying seriously. :( I would talk with the adults. Older kids should not torment younger ones! And they find the kids that aren't able to laugh them off. Some roll playing would be helpful but it's not his fault it is happening. I also call my kids on their behavior the others. It doesn't feel so mean when you are on the other side. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 "However, for the more physical bullying both DH and I have fully supported him in literally hitting back.' :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Toughen up. No response other than a practiced stare. This if it's a them vs him situation. In a one on one, where there is any physical touch at all a quick pop to the nose. Practice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 (edited) In a one on one, where there is any physical touch at all a quick pop to the nose. Practice. This is DS2's method of handling bullying that gets physical. If the bully won't stop after DS2 tells him to a few times, pow! No one expects it from him, and all it takes is once and his reputation precedes him. This has only happened twice, and he has our full support. Supervisory adults at camp and at school always prefer that DS2 get pummeled because "hitting back is wrong". I set them straight. He is entitled to self-defense and he is not bully fodder. He doesn't get into fights because the bullies run away. Edited May 25, 2011 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purduemeche Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Our approach is not always popular, but we are raising our sons to be tough leaders for their families when they grow up. We train them on a three-step approach to bullying (either someone bullying them, or even worse, being mean to their sisters). 1. Tell them to stop. 2. Walk away. 3. If one or two don't work, protect yourself or your sister! Witnessing your child being bullied is a terrible experience for a parent, and the temptation to intervene (or have them tell an adult every time) is strong. However, we must equip them to protect themselves. THE CAVEAT is any kind of sexual abuse, in which case our kids to know to tell an adult ASAP. There are some great training materials for kids in this area (Bobcat badge requirements for Cub Scouts, "Samuel Learns to Yell and Tell" by Debbi Pearl). This is hard to talk about for most parents, and is awkward, but your children need to understand that abuse of this nature is not their fault and they need to inform an adult. When we trained our DS7 in this area, I honestly didn't take it seriously. I was shocked when he came back a few months later and said some boys at church were "being inappropriate" and "hitting my bottom." Hard to hear as a parent, but of course we were thrilled the training hit home. So...sorry for the long post. Summary: teach your kids to protect themselves and to always tell an adult if bullying is sexual in any way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 My son, age 10, has a few bullies bothering him. What is the best way to teach him to handle it. I don't want to create a tattletale. I also do not want him to react so that he ends up the one in trouble. Any ideas? Thanks! Fear of "getting in trouble" certainly gives license to the bullies to continue what they are doing. For verbal stuff: IGNORE. For physical stuff he can give it right back unless they're bigger and it's a safety issue. If so, then "tattling" would seem appropriate. What horrible thing would happen if he got "in trouble?" The principal may be called upon to address the bullying issue? GOOD! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pqr Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Two jabs followed by a right hook have been known to work. Nevertheless the parent need be on board and willing to deal with the lunacy that can follow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I would be having a conversation with the coach or principal or both. Bullying is unacceptable and should be dealt with by the adults. It's not tattling to call the bullies out. And I wouldn't expect a young kid to handle it themselves, especially when it's older, bigger kids picking on him. My son had issues with bullies. The school administration got involved and took it very seriously. It was handled well. I wouldn't expect anyone to handle it themselves. If we witness an injustice we're supposed to do something about it, no? So why does a victim's age factor into this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChandlerMom Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 (edited) I would be having a conversation with the coach or principal or both. Bullying is unacceptable and should be dealt with by the adults. It's not tattling to call the bullies out. And I wouldn't expect a young kid to handle it themselves, especially when it's older, bigger kids picking on him. :iagree: Ditto. Agree 100%. :iagree: I just don't buy into this "tattle tale" expecting a kid to handle behavior that would NEVER be tolerated in the adult world bull. Talk to the coach privately and explain you expect a CHURCH run camp to hold the participants to a higher standard. I DO like the, "Wasn't that your intent?" response. Might even add, "wouldn't want to disappoint you since your ego's so small you have to pick on litttler kids to feel good about yourself. I'm just sad for you." At his age I'd have probably said something like that or, "I'm just sad because Jesus must be sooo disappointed in you right now. I'll pray for you." :lol: NOT saying a pithy response is the best response. Sure, no one picked on me since I could retort well and had an unerring sense for where their insecurities were, but didn't exactly make me the most popular. :lol: Bottom line: I wouldn't tolerate it from an adult; I won't tolerate it from a child to my child. When we have run into bad behavior from neighborhood kids I've bluntly explained to my introvert the psychological defects in those kids (which they'll hopefully outgrow) and to live to her own conscience (everyone likes my dd, so it was usually about one kid picking on another in front of her). I was very proud when when chose to handle it by calmly telling the "mean" girl that she didn't like how she was treating the other girl and that if she didn't stop, my dd wouldn't play with her anymore. DD went to the picked-on girl and started playing, the other kids followed, and finally the mean girl apologized. Of course, it's not the same as when you are the target, but I do think you can: 1) expect the environ you send your dc to is healthy and abuse from other kids won't be tolerated, and 2) empower your child to understand that the bullying comes from a scared sad little place in those kids and they should be pitied, but not tolerated. ;) ETA: If the coach/chaperone was blase about it, I'd point out the real reason these kids are there is to learn to live a godly life. Allowing those bigger kids to pick on the smaller ones is truly opposite Christ's teachings, and should be addressed as such. If your kids can't feel emotionally safe at a church camp, where can they? Edited May 25, 2011 by ChandlerMom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cat Posted May 26, 2011 Author Share Posted May 26, 2011 (edited) Thanks! Very helpful!!!! We will work on this with all the great suggestions. Yesterday another child not even knowing of what took place yesterday came and pushed my son from the spot where he was practicing and took his spot. Now, the "new" bully could have easily found a spot to practice in, but he chose to go up to my child and take over his place..... and it was just a spot in the gym, nothing special about it..... my son was standing there getting ready to do the practice drill, he wasn't talking to anyone, just standing there all by himself..... I really do believe there is something about my child that attracts bullies and if I could place my finger on it, it would help me get rid of what ever "it" was. I do know the boy(and mother) who pushed him from his spot yesterday. I almost want to ask that child why he felt it was necessary to take my son's spot when there was a whole lot of other places he could practice. I was happy with my child, he went and found a new spot. We have another week and a half of basketball camp....... praying he will just be left alone so he can focus on learning some new skills. Thanks everyone for the advice!!!! Edited May 26, 2011 by cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
actuary Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 Thanks! Very helpful!!!! We will work on this with all the great suggestions. Yesterday another child not even knowing of what took place yesterday came and pushed my son from the spot where he was practicing and took his spot. Now, the "new" bully could have easily found a spot to practice in, but he chose to go up to my child and take over his place..... and it was just a spot in the gym, nothing special about it..... my son was standing there getting ready to do the practice drill, he wasn't talking to anyone, just standing there all by himself..... I really do believe there is something about my child that attracts bullies and if I could place my finger on it, it would help me get rid of what ever "it" was. I do know the boy(and mother) who pushed him from his spot yesterday. I almost want to ask that child why he felt it was necessary to take my son's spot when there was a whole lot of other places he could practice. I was happy with my child, he went and found a new spot. We have another week and a half of basketball camp....... praying he will just be left alone so he can focus on learning some new skills. Thanks everyone for the advice!!!! I don't have any brilliant advice but I just wanted to offer some encouragement that it probably will get better for your child socially (regarding what you're saying about your child attracting bullies). I felt really socially awkward growing up - I felt more comfortable talking to adults than other kids, my older brother had a lot of trouble fitting in, and several of my friends now were bullied as children. But, we've all emerged from our shells and I like to think have really found our social place in the world. So, as you continue to offer your support to your son now, maybe it would be helpful to him to encourage him that as kids mature and people grow up, it gets better? At least for me, that got me through a lot of really rough years in my childhood. I'm not saying you shouldn't take action now, but just encouraging him also going forward that it gets better. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 I really do believe there is something about my child that attracts bullies and if I could place my finger on it, it would help me get rid of what ever "it" was. ..... I was happy with my child, he went and found a new spot. We have another week and a half of basketball camp....... praying he will just be left alone so he can focus on learning some new skills.... Since you asked what it was that attracted bullies - this is it. He lets them push him around, so they start seeing him as acceptable prey. And, not to sound mean, but Mom is reinforcing it because you are teaching him avoidance - "find a new spot", "praying he will be left alone", "don't want him to get in trouble". In the bully world, "avoidance" = "target". Golly - I hope that didn't come off sounding mean. I'm not trying to pick on you. But in the "pack" world of social situations, a person (child or adult) has to pick their position and stance. If you choose to avoid the interactions, then you need to avoid the situations. Don't look like potential prey - hang out with other kids and interact (talk, bounce the ball, whatever). Personally, I have had better luck with bullies (yes, we have been on the victim side) teaching my kids to stand their ground. Don't stand there and cry - say something. If someone tries to push you out, stand your ground - tell the other kid you were there first and to bug off. If it gets physical, be prepared to deal with the consequences. I call it the "Golden Rule Plus" at our house - Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You - and only let others treat you that way too..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cat Posted May 27, 2011 Author Share Posted May 27, 2011 It was a good day today at camp, the main bully was not there....it's amazing how that changes the whole dynamic of things. I noticed that when the kids are standing around waiting is when the issues occur. There wasn't much standing around today and it kept the kids busy. I am going to work with my son on what to say to anyone giving him a hard time and to stand his ground. Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful advice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 :grouphug: That is so good to hear :001_smile:. I know with my son we've had many up and downs over the past six months, but the more he's stood his ground the longer the good times have been and the less often the difficult ones. I also think that what a pp said about children growing out of this type of behaviour to a large extent as they get older is probably true; age 10 to 13 seems particularly difficult. I know it's not a popular view on this board, but I do believe that dealing with situations like this on their own can help a child to mature and give them a sense of confidence and empowerment. They do need a lot of support to do this though, otherwise they can just become more sensitised to being treated badly. Certainly for my son confronting the bullies has helped him overcome a victim mentality and has boosted his self-esteem, he has grown up a lot in the past six months. I hope your son has an enjoyable and positive experience during the remainder of his camp. Best wishes Cassy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cat Posted May 28, 2011 Author Share Posted May 28, 2011 Both bullies were out today.... not one issue. We have 4 days next week and it comes to an end. I do have an older child and he used to be picked on to......that has gone away and now I see it with my younger one..... I'm holding out hope that this is all just a phase..... but you all are right, I need to empower him with what to say and then get him to stand his ground. Thanks Everyone!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 Might a discussion work, sort of approaching it as a social or animal scientist: "Son, when the pride comes across a new lion x and y are common ways the pride can sniff out who the stranger is and how they will - or if they will - fit him into the existing group." This is how I explain things to my kids, sort of like we're watching a documentary. Then when I explain what he could/should/needs to do differently, it's still like we're talking about people at large and not specifically him (lest he feel attacked or criticized). Brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pax Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 (edited) What we did with our oldest son when he was getting bullied years ago was role playing, lots and lots of role playing. We tried to think of a million different scenarios and played them out with him. He thought of scenarios and we played them out with him. We helped him be ready for anything and everything we could think of. We taught him how to decide when it was appropriate to ignore, when to use words to fight back, when to joke around to lighten the mood, when it was appropriate to involve the authorities, and when, if necessary, to use physical violence. He has never had to. We actually still do role playing even though he is 15 about how to deal with peer pressure on drugs, sex, stuff like that. We role play scenarios all the time in the car. We had a neighbor whose boys were/are bullied mercilessly at public school. The parents involved the school authorities and it just got a million times worse. It went underground, but got much worse. The bullies learned to do it sneakily. They waited until the teacher's back was turned. The majority of the kids in the school see these boys as boys to make fun of. The boys just don't know how to deal with it. I also have a friend who has tried to bully proof her son by teaching him not to EVER allow anyone to "take advantage". Unfortunately, now this boy is a bully because he perceives that everyone is out to take advantage and so takes offense at everything. She is a good mom but her child is now a huge bully. My kids and I all have a pretty high tolerance for differences in personalities but this child is no longer invited over. ETA: All of this to say that I think it is super important to teach children how to deal with bullies if there are no authorities around. There are bullies at every stage of life (who hasn't had a bully for a boss or coworker at some point) and I think it does a disservice not to teach kids how to deal with them. It is also important not to give kids a complex that everyone is out to get them! Edited May 28, 2011 by Pax Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosyl Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 My ds 10 was being verbally bullied at a playground the other day--the kids were calling him an idiotic idiot. My dd came and told me, I called my son over. I asked him if he was an idiotic idiot, he said no. I said why are you letting them call you that? He said they did it 2x's, I told them to stop or I wouldn't be playing anymore. They stopped and the dynamics were immediately changed on the playground. The words were nicer the play was more inclusive and continued when other kids came to join them. My oldest, otoh, needs this thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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