do you talk to your dc about ...

[bettyandbob]

predators.

 

I read an article about a church near me that is trying recover from having a youth pastor who preyed upon teen girls. It was very sad. Their initial response really hurt the victims. The events took place more than 5 years ago. A new pastor was hired 3 years ago started a program to properly address what happened.

 

It was very sad. It got me thinking about my dd13. She's not dating, but she might in a few years. Her main activity is coached by a mom who has a dd a little younger so I think there shouldn't be problems there. When dd was younger we had conversations (and still do sometimes) about strangers and listening to internal alarms. But I felt really compelled to talk to her about how sometimes the people who you might believe you could trust the most could take advantage of you. People like coaches, teachers and church leaders. I said most people in these jobs are great people and would never misuse the trust of teens this way, but sometimes there were people who had sought out these jobs just so they could be in a position of trust. I tried to talk about internal alarms again and watching for someone isolating you, or suggesting their relationship is special or secret. I hope I hit all the right stuff the right way.

 

I read the comments on the story today and at least one person said people should be watching their kids closely. I don't think you can really watch your teen this closely. The girls were 15-18. It wasn't stated, it appeared the pastor spent a long time "grooming" the girls for certain contact. They all believed he loved them. Anyway, my dd is 13. She goes to practice two hours twice a week, she goes to tumbling once a week, she goes to 4H. She's independent. She goes to these things on her own (I drive, drop and pick up). I imagine her independent involvement in activities will increase over the next few years. I want her to increase her independence while she's living at home--it will not do her any good to keep her on a short leash and then suddenly she's an adult with no sense about what's safe and appropriate because I made every decision.

 

My mother never said anything to me about this stuff. I had a mildly emotionally abusive relationship in college which drained me of myself. I guess I'd like my dd to know warning signs and feel free to discuss them with me. My thought is it's easier to lay these topics out before she has any interest or involvement in anything that looks remotely like a relationship.

 

I'm going to review Protecting the Gift Are there other sources on this topic.

 

What have you done with your teen dc on this issue?

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Absolutely.

 

We have also talked about how hollow, shallow and fake it is to walk into ANY environment and have people come up to you and say, "I love you". I know that this is common in some churches, but I don't think they realize how creepy this is and how it is JUST NOT APPROPRIATE. :001_huh:

 

Unfortunately, some people feel like any church or any girl scout, boy scout, etc, kind of group is inherently safe. It is SOOOO not!

[Jean in Newcastle]

My teen is a boy but we have talked some about it. The dynamics are a bit different with a boy, though.

[MariannNOVA]

predators.

 

I read an article about a church near me that is trying recover from having a youth pastor who preyed upon teen girls. It was very sad. Their initial response really hurt the victims. The events took place more than 5 years ago. A new pastor was hired 3 years ago started a program to properly address what happened.

 

It was very sad. It got me thinking about my dd13. She's not dating, but she might in a few years. Her main activity is coached by a mom who has a dd a little younger so I think there shouldn't be problems there. When dd was younger we had conversations (and still do sometimes) about strangers and listening to internal alarms. But I felt really compelled to talk to her about how sometimes the people who you might believe you could trust the most could take advantage of you. People like coaches, teachers and church leaders. I said most people in these jobs are great people and would never misuse the trust of teens this way, but sometimes there were people who had sought out these jobs just so they could be in a position of trust. I tried to talk about internal alarms again and watching for someone isolating you, or suggesting their relationship is special or secret. I hope I hit all the right stuff the right way.

 

I read the comments on the story today and at least one person said people should be watching their kids closely. I don't think you can really watch your teen this closely. The girls were 15-18. It wasn't stated, it appeared the pastor spent a long time "grooming" the girls for certain contact. They all believed he loved them. Anyway, my dd is 13. She goes to practice two hours twice a week, she goes to tumbling once a week, she goes to 4H. She's independent. She goes to these things on her own (I drive, drop and pick up). I imagine her independent involvement in activities will increase over the next few years. I want her to increase her independence while she's living at home--it will not do her any good to keep her on a short leash and then suddenly she's an adult with no sense about what's safe and appropriate because I made every decision.

 

My mother never said anything to me about this stuff. I had a mildly emotionally abusive relationship in college which drained me of myself. I guess I'd like my dd to know warning signs and feel free to discuss them with me. My thought is it's easier to lay these topics out before she has any interest or involvement in anything that looks remotely like a relationship.

 

I'm going to review Protecting the Gift Are there other sources on this topic.

 

What have you done with your teen dc on this issue?

 

betty: not to hijack, but you and I clearly live near each other. THAT was the church we used to attend -- our not going there doesn't have anything to do with what happened, we just go someplace else now. DH was at the men's Bible Study there last night. DH and I are quite convinced that we know how the individual who has since been convicted was able to 'bypass' the appropriate background check -- and it totally infuriates us. I'm guessing from your post that the article was in the Washington Post today.

[bettyandbob]

betty: not to hijack, but you and I clearly live near each other. THAT was the church we used to attend -- our not going there doesn't have anything to do with what happened, we just go someplace else now. DH was at the men's Bible Study there last night. DH and I are quite convinced that we know how the individual who has since been convicted was able to 'bypass' the appropriate background check -- and it totally infuriates us. I'm guessing from your post that the article was in the Washington Post today.

 

Yes, it was The Post. My best friend was married in that church (24 years ago). I found it ironic that it's across the street from the Women's Center, which has so many services for women, including counseling related to these issues. The church is so big now. The whole story made me sad.

[scmama]

I don't have a teen yet....well he's 12 right now...I talk about the fact that these predators exist, and that not all people are good. I've taught them to listen to their minds, and to follow that gut instinct if they feel something isn't right. That is their first warning sign...they need to know what that little alarm feels like.

 

I am VERY protective of my children...meet any parents that they may spend the night over, and more than just a once meeting. I don't trust many people with my children. I know that these predators exist, and not all of them are on the list, and have yet to be caught. There's a saying that my dad use to say about privacy, " You never know what happens behind closed doors." To me this applies to anyone, any where, with any topic.

 

Personally I don't think the dynamics are different with boys. They are preyed upon just like girls. In some states, some cities, they are preyed on more than girls. And I think it affects them in every way, shape and form as it would a girl. But that's just my two cents!

[Ottakee]

Well, we do talk about it with our kids and try to keep them in safe situations.

 

It just came to light very recently that their DOCTOR has a history of pedophile behavior when he was on the mission field---some things dating back 30-40 years ago but since it happened out of this country and there was some cover up going on, he still held his medical license here in the states and it was clean. He has been their doctor for over 15 years now---thankfully though any intimate issues were done with the lady NP. The thing is, NO ONE suspected him of this yet there is very clear and convincing evidence that this was a past pattern of behavior for him.

 

My dh also works in the prision system where most of the inmates are sex offenders. They are not all the "scuzzy" types you would like to think are the predators.

 

It is extra hard as our kids are adopted and all have special needs so we try to keep things at a level to keep them safe without scaring them as well as at a level they can understand.

[Ottakee]

I also don't know how much MORE we are seeing of this behavior vs. how much more they are being CAUGHT. My dh remembers situations out in our area where there was a lot of molesting going on--often with family members and "everyone" knew about it but nothing was done. Protective services was never called, no counseling, etc. It just "was".

[bettyandbob]

[QUOTE=Ottakee;2596985]I also don't know how much MORE we are seeing of this behavior vs. how much more they are being CAUGHT. My dh remembers situations out in our area where there was a lot of molesting going on--often with family members and "everyone" knew about it but nothing was done. Protective services was never called, no counseling, etc. It just "was".

 

I absolutely agree with your dh. Predators have always existed, but no one did anything before. I think people were too ashamed and didn't step forward. My mom seems to think these people didn't exist when I was a child 40+ years ago. I think we live in a better time recognizing the victim is actually a victim, but as this article pointed out to me, there are still times with victims come forward and a group will deny or support the predator.

[Random]

Yes, I absolutely talk to our kids about this type of thing. They are 9, 7, 5, and 3. My husband thinks I'm overreacting, but I don't think kids are ever too young to talk about things like this. Perverts and predators are everywhere. In fact, my police officer friend told me one of the prime target areas is the boy's bathroom. :eek:

 

I think predators prey on the 'love everyone' and 'forgive anything' mentality that is so prevalent in many churches these days. We are extremely careful about who is allowed to have access to our kids. I may forgive a sex offender, but he/she will never (AND I DO MEAN NEVER) be alone with any of my children, and I would never allow my child to knowingly be under the authority of an offender. It has the highest recidivism rate of any crime.

 

I don't know of any 'resources;' we just talk about it.

[MariannNOVA]

 

 

Yes, it was The Post. My best friend was married in that church (24 years ago). I found it ironic that it's across the street from the Women's Center, which has so many services for women, including counseling related to these issues. The church is so big now. The whole story made me sad.

 

I just read the story -- it is incredibly sad. I found the same thing ironic.

[AFwife Claire]

I just read the story -- it is incredibly sad. I found the same thing ironic.

 

I read the story yesterday too, and it was so sobering. So much hurt. I have also been pondering how to make my kids more aware since reading the article, so this is a timely thread.

[Joanne]

Yes. I have talked to my kids about predators, several times, throughout their lives.

 

I think I may have my teens read the Gift of Fear.