Trouble in PS after home schooling...

[stephanie]

Ds16 started public school last year (8th grade) and is now about to complete his freshmen year of High school. His last year was a bit difficult, as expected, but overall he did well. Academically, he has had no problems; he's excelled in all his classes since he entered public school. It's the social aspect that we're having trouble with.

 

Ds is a very outgoing, kind, forgiving, and respectful young man. He's a good looking young man, very athletic, and can be friends with anyone. This year though has brought him some challenges though in that his "friends" pick on him. He hasn't made any real friends since he started school last year. He's very different than most of the kids there in that he's not perverted, doesn't cuss, respects girls...I'm not saying that is the standard for kids his age, but at his school it is. He's very different, and he's very aware of this. He talks to me and my husband often about what the kids say to him and talk about to him. However, it seems here lately it's all worsening. He tells us that he gets picked on about how he doesn't understand a lot of the things they talk about (sex, drugs, curse words). We've always made it a point to be open with our kids, telling them anything they've wondered about. We've never wanted to set them up for failure or make them feel unprepared in this world, but these kids at school have him thinking his home schooling has made him "behind" in how to speak "correctly", like real kids his age do. Of course our son doesn't believe all of this, but at his age that doesn't make you feel better, kwim? Today at school the kids told him how immature he was and in order to be mature he needed to be sexually active with a girl. He knows this isn't true, says so, and of course gets picked on. I've told him it might be best to not get involved in those kinds of conversations since they would never be mature enough to handle his comebacks, but somehow he finds his way in them. Then on top of that, they called him a bastard today. He's heard that term plenty in his life, I'm sure, but he's never been taught what the meaning was...I mean why would we tell him that since he's never asked? Since he's not my bio-child, and his bio-mom and dad were not married when he was born, he was called this. And these kids tell him this is why they call him this! I just can't figure out what is the matter with these kids! My son says he sets himself up because if he doesn't understand what it means then he asks them, but still. Shouldn't we expect more from people..even when they're young? So I tell my son that it must be hard and it must get so overwhelming sometimes. He agrees but says he's used to it-that he knows he can say some stupid things that get himself picked on. Now, when I say stupid, it's just a matter of him maybe not understanding things. He's never mean or inconsiderate. He's known for being kind and good. So now he's being called a name by his baseball team and other kids. Ugh...I just hate it. I can't help but think that I should let him finish the school year out and start home schooling him again next year. When I asked him what he thought he said he doesn't know-that he likes the idea of being a part of a team. I get that, I think. But why? These kids are as@holes to him..why would he want to be a part of that? It makes me sad that his need to be accepted is so great that he's willing to stay in that. I feel like somewhere we've failed him in that way?

 

I guess I just need to hear from someone who's been there. We initially put ds in school because it was time. He was doing very well academically at home, he was expressing desire to be a part of a school, make more friends, and really needed to mature more. We felt like he needed some time away from me as well. Now I'm just not sure if we made the right decision. Nevertheless, I want to make it right. Ds told me that he thinks things will get better from now on, but I don't know. I understand that these are the ways of the world and that kids will be mean. I don't know why it has to be like that, but I know it is. I just dont want to lose my little man to that kind of torment. This is how kids end up shooting other kids or killing themselves. I'm so thankful that my son is healthy and talks to us,but I'm not the kind of parent to think that my family is above that kind of turmoil.

 

I appreciate any thoughts or experiences yall might have. I want to help my son through this while he is still able to feel he has a voice in all of this.

[Susan C.]

My dh went through this in high school. I'm not sure he is over it even now. I went through school as a Christian, and was regularly made fun of. Then I went to work straight out of high school, it was even worse. So, it is to be expected. I would ask your ds if he is ok and wants to stick it out. And I would keep an eye on him to make sure there is no lasting damage. He will have to be strong, and he may surprise you (it looks like he already has done well) by being up to the challenge.

 

It is such a hard call. Some kids can handle the pressure and others don't. Dh (and my dc) are creative temperaments, so I knew it would be a double whammy for my dc, so I homeschooled through 12th grade. Ds is in college and doing well, a lot of the high school games are not carried over to college. One option would be so put him at a community college for classes in high school if that is available and it suits your needs.

 

Best wishes, and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:!!

[rootsnwings]

Goodness, I hear the tears in your mama heart! :(

 

:grouphug: (((HUGS))) :grouphug:

 

I don't have any sage advice, but I am listening for those who do. I see things like this happening between my ds and the (public school) boys who have been his best friends up to this point. Something about this age is creating a deep split between him and them and I'm lost as to what to do about it. :( I completely agree with the pp: they will feed on his innocence, they will make him their game and will not only try to corrupt him, but try to get him to corrupt himself. :( I'm seeing this with my ds already (AT TEN!!!!!) and I'm not standing for it. Everything in my mind/heart/soul tells me to pull him in tighter and so that's what I've been doing thus far. If it means he has no friends, then so be it. I won't let people hurt him, and I won't let him be a puppet on a string for them! We are their parents and our #1 top priority is to protect them until they can protect themselves. Even at 15-16, I'm not sure they are fit to truly protect themselves in these kinds of situations.

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I can't for the life of me imagine how staying in that school would get any better for your son.

 

If he really feels the need to be a part of a team, I'd look for ways for him to be involved with other kids while homeschooling. Find homeschool groups, sports activities, anything is better than what he's going through now.

 

I'm praying for him and for your family as you discern what to do. :grouphug:

[jibaker103]

I'm not even sure I would wait until the end of the year to pull him out. No one should ever have to suffer bullying no matter what. If your ds wants to be more social find some other way to make that happen, school is not the only way.

 

My ds is 15 and used to talk about wanting to go to a "real" high school. I just told him no, that as his mother I have better knowledge and insight into these things and that he would have to trust me. Now he hear's about all of the drama, how his friends have changed, and realizes all of the great benefits to being hs. He walked up to me one day recently and said "thank you for not listening to me, I want to do good so that I can get to college and study. What's a major?"

[Mosaicmind]

My ds/13 is younger than yours but experienced some of the same things in middle school that you are talking about. I saw him getting more depressed b the day and I couldn't let it go on any longer. I prayed that the Lord would show him where he needed to be and he did. Last year before school started he asked to come back home. It has been the best decision not to allow him to continue in the abusive atmosphere that he was in.

 

I wonder why parents think that keeping their kids in a school setting that can be just as abusive as some homes that are considered abusive is the best thing for them. IF they were in a home like that they would be investigated and probably removed but it's ok to keep them in school being abused by their peers. Why does this seem so WRONG???

[readinmom]

It sounds like you could have been writing about my oldest. He's the "good" one. Doesn't cuss, smoke, etc. That made him a target his freshman year, especially on his team. Thankfully, he's the one that realized he needed to be out of there. He came home one day and said he was done. Please find him another school. For him, it worked out. He found a school that was a good fit for him for both academics and athletics.

 

Even today, people comment on how polite, well-mannered he is.

 

If your son is miserable, there has to be a better place for him. Keep us posted.

[4wildberrys]

I really feel for you, and your son.

 

Please reconsider your decision to send him to school. One can't really expect him to stand up to this constant onslaught day in and day out. It won't get better, and the kids will make it their mission to *corrupt* him. It'll be an amusing, unrelenting little game for them.

 

He should be ready for community college classes in a year or two, and can experience being out of the house then. He'll have more control over who he's around, and will hopefully find some real friends.

 

I strongly recommend that you get him out of PS. (You are on a homeschooling board, after all.)

:iagree::iagree:

 

And your story is exactly why I firmly believe that homeschooling is even more important in the high school years ;)

 

I'm sorry you and your son are going through this :grouphug:

[Gretchen in NJ]

I have no advice. I just have some :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:for you.:001_smile:

[Barb_]

Sigh. I wish you lived nearby. I have a 16yo girl who would love to meet him ;)

 

He's a young man who sounds mature and capable. As long as he wants to stick around and his personality isn't changing and you aren't seeing any other red flags, I would continue letting him decompress by talking to you (no matter how much it hurts!) and allow him to finish the year if he really wants to. He's 16. He probably needs to feel like he didn't wuss out.

[elegantlion]

I have no advice. I just have some :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:for you.:001_smile:

 

Ditto.

[tex-mex]

Today at school the kids told him how immature he was and in order to be mature he needed to be sexually active with a girl. He knows this isn't true, says so, and of course gets picked on.

 

Then on top of that, they called him a bastard today. He's heard that term plenty in his life, I'm sure, but he's never been taught what the meaning was...I mean why would we tell him that since he's never asked? Since he's not my bio-child, and his bio-mom and dad were not married when he was born, he was called this. And these kids tell him this is why they call him this! I just can't figure out what is the matter with these kids! My son says he sets himself up because if he doesn't understand what it means then he asks them, but still. Shouldn't we expect more from people..even when they're young?

 

So now he's being called a name by his baseball team and other kids. Ugh...I just hate it. I can't help but think that I should let him finish the school year out and start home schooling him again next year. When I asked him what he thought he said he doesn't know-that he likes the idea of being a part of a team. I get that, I think. But why? These kids are as@holes to him..why would he want to be a part of that? It makes me sad that his need to be accepted is so great that he's willing to stay in that. I feel like somewhere we've failed him in that way?

 

I guess I just need to hear from someone who's been there. We initially put ds in school because it was time.

 

OP: I shared your post with my hubby. He grew up being a jock in high school. Won state awards for football and scholarships for baseball. King of the Prom in his Senior year. He was very well liked, but never the mean kid, kwim? ;) His mama raised him right.

 

My hubs said to tell you that the mentality in high school is like this. Peer pressure. He also said the reason WHY baseball players are considered the "rudest, coarse, and jokesters" of sports is due to the down time they have sitting while waiting to go up to bat or infield/outfield. Football players are always busy. Basketball players are also busy. But baseball? Lots of leisure time.

 

As a result, ball players develop team dynamics by boasting, tall tales, teasing, and crudeness. It is part of the game. In a weird way, bonding does happen. He has fond memories of lifelong friends being on his team, winning seasons, beach parties, practical jokes to the opposing high school across town, and more.

 

I hope this brings some small consolation to what your son is going thru. I don't have any answers for you. My hubs did love sports. It taught him a lot about teamwork. How to be a good leader (you have lots of lousy coaches or players to deal with). Group dynamics. But not sure if this is helping you? :grouphug:

Edited April 14, 2011 by tex-mex

[tex-mex]

I would continue letting him decompress by talking to you (no matter how much it hurts!) and allow him to finish the year if he really wants to. He's 16. He probably needs to feel like he didn't wuss out.

That is pretty much what my hubby said too.

[rockermom]

Many more :grouphug: for you and your ds.

[Melissa in CA]

Having been one of the students always picked on in school, I would pull him out. It's not worth it. I still bear the mental/emotional scars.

 

Also, be aware that your wonderful ds will NOT go uncorrupted by this onslaught. I know this from not only my own experience with older dc, but other parents' children. He will change, not right away, but he will. To what extent is not known, as each child is different, but it will hurt to watch. Is this something you are prepared for? I'm not sure it's worth it. ;)