How do I toughen her up

[choirfarm]

UGG!! My youngest, perfectionist 3rd grade daughter is just ridiculous. Her teenage brothers and I are just tired of it.. This is the annual testing week at the local Christian school. I told her there would be things on the test that we haven't covered yet. I always wish the testing was a month later as we tend to cover some hefty math topics in April that are always on the exam, but oh well. So she tells me that she started crying during the math test. She didn't know how to do 3 problems... One was multiplying by 2 digit numbers with carrying, which we haven't done. Everyone else was done. She didn't want to get them wrong and starts crying... 3 problems...out of tons. Good grief.

 

She cries if she cannot play the new part of her violin perfectly the first time she tries. ( Seitz Second Pupil's Concerto) I'm sorry. Life takes practice, drudgery, and just plain hard work. Get used to it. Life is not always fun and social. Sorry.

 

I'm so tired of the drama. If she can't spell a word. Tears. GGRRR I find myself walking away daily. But now she's done it in front of others. Sigh..

 

How do I toughen up this one up. I find myself saying to her, "There's no crying in baseball!!" Grr.

 

Christine

[3lilreds in NC]

I have a daughter who is overly dramatic, too. Unfortunately I think it's something they need to outgrow to a large degree. She feels comfortable letting it all hang out at home, so you're going to see it the most. Trust me, your tester has seen other tears from other kids!

 

I don't have any good answers - I think a lot of it will come with maturity. My best suggestion is to keep talking to her about it, gently. I've found that the level of drama increases with my impatience. When I can listen, and try to understand, even when it drives me crazy on the inside, she does much better.

 

I am constantly telling her (both of mine, actually) that we all have to learn things. Everyone doesn't know everything from birth. Mistakes will be made; that's how we learn. Keep helping her develop a healthy perspective. She's what, 8 or 9? I have to keep reminding myself that I can't expect adult-like maturity from my girls. It's hard for me to remember that sometimes, as silly as it sounds. I just have to keep modeling the way I hope they will react to things, and remind them to take a deep breath and chill out when they get upset over things I think are silly.

 

I have SO been there. :grouphug: It's crazy-making. She will outgrow it though.

[Jenny in Florida]

Well, I'm not fond of that phrase, "toughen up." I don't quite understand how the world is a better place with more tough (as in those who are good at hiding emotions) people in it.

 

However, I do know that this kind of perfectionism is draining to cope with on a daily basis.

 

I can tell you some of the things that helped my daughter when she was younger and in the most challenging perfectionist days. First of all, we talked a lot about her fears. I got her to articulate exactly what she was afraid would happen if she didn't get something "right" or "perfect." Then, we would brainstorm how she would handle those consequences.

 

We talked about the fact that, if she could get everything right the first time, she wasn't being challenged and didn't have a chance to grow and learn. We talked about people who accomplished wonderful things only after trying and failing repeatedly.

 

Our mantra during that phase was, "Failure isn't fatal."

 

I also made sure she got a chance to witness me failing and coping. I pointed out mistakes I made throughout the days and weeks, talked about how I felt about making them, and let her watch me deal with the consequences with as much grace as I could manage.

 

It didn't "work" overnight, but she did get more comfortable and is now pretty fearless.

 

I hope you find an approach that helps your daughter, too.

[Spetzi]

I have one like that!

Mine really needs to know she's OK. I've spent a lot of time walking her through "problems" in life so she can see that "failure isn't fatal" (I like that!). I've often asked, "What's the worst thing that could happen? Even if you got those 3 problems wrong, what's the worst that would happen?"

 

Mine seemed to be carrying a lot of baggage. EAch time she made a mistake it brought back every other mistake she had made as well as the PAIN of those mistakes. I've found mine didn't respond to too much sympathy or to walking away (although I've done both of these), but to a heartfelt "You can do this!" pep talk.

 

I hope you find something that works!

[mytwomonkeys]

I'm sorry. That's difficult for sure. I think it's really a matter of teaching her to control her emotions as opposed to toughening her up, ykwim? Unfortunately, it can be much more difficult than it sounds & sometimes children really need to be taught this skill. My son has had a very difficult time in the past (and still can) with letting his emotions dictate his reaction. We've done a lot of role playing. We really try to help him understand that controlling our environment isn't feasible always, but controlling our response to what life throws at us is attainable. We rethink scenarios aloud often & help him come up with better responses and solutions. That's not to say your daughter having a tantrum in public over a test is okay (I really do sympathize!), but in my own experience at least, I find it is best to control your own reaction & focus on what she's feeling as opposed to how she is behaving. It makes it much easier for me to come at it from this angle. Anyway, this has helped my own son tremendously. He rarely has emotional meltdowns now & when he does, they are incredibly short-lived and he gets over it much more quickly. Hugs.

[ChandlerMom]

Well, I'm not fond of that phrase, "toughen up." I don't quite understand how the world is a better place with more tough (as in those who are good at hiding emotions) people in it.

 

However, I do know that this kind of perfectionism is draining to cope with on a daily basis.

 

I can tell you some of the things that helped my daughter when she was younger and in the most challenging perfectionist days. First of all, we talked a lot about her fears. I got her to articulate exactly what she was afraid would happen if she didn't get something "right" or "perfect." Then, we would brainstorm how she would handle those consequences.

 

We talked about the fact that, if she could get everything right the first time, she wasn't being challenged and didn't have a chance to grow and learn. We talked about people who accomplished wonderful things only after trying and failing repeatedly.

 

Our mantra during that phase was, "Failure isn't fatal."

 

I also made sure she got a chance to witness me failing and coping. I pointed out mistakes I made throughout the days and weeks, talked about how I felt about making them, and let her watch me deal with the consequences with as much grace as I could manage.

 

It didn't "work" overnight, but she did get more comfortable and is now pretty fearless.

 

I hope you find an approach that helps your daughter, too.

 

:iagree:

 

When you kid is a perfectionist and you aren't, it's very frustrating. I think you need to offer her an alternative to crying and "toughening up" (aka "just deal with it herself") isn't really an option. The PP gave some ideas. Being sympathetic can help [ETA: first she needs to know you understand she is upset; then you can talk about WHY; then move to "so, what are you going to do about it?" and help her make a plan to take control and succeed]. Deal with how she feels about failure, rather than how she SHOULD feel or behave. Point out how much she has grown/learned in various activities. "Remember when this was hard?" with a grin works here. Make sure your emphasis is on EFFORT not results. Once DD understood that what I valued and expected was her focus and effort, she began to relax and be less concerned about being perfect.

 

It helps me to remember that when my child is crying like it is the end of the world, for them it really FEELS like it is. She's not being "ridiculous", she's being sensitive. [And I understand you are also just venting because it is fatiguing when they just don't have the perspective. :D] That perfectionism could be a great asset as she grows up. You just need to help her harness it for her own benefit and learn to keep failures in perspective. You might try teaching her, "it's not failure, you just learned one way NOT to do something" or "you learned what you don't know...yet. You can be upset or you can do something about it and learn." -- neither are "failures".

 

Take a hard look at how you praise your kids and what you are teaching them you value. We send all sorts of unintended signals to our kids and if we have more sensitive ones, we have to be more thoughtful about it.

 

Good luck!

Edited March 30, 2011 by ChandlerMom

[lindsrae]

:bigear:

 

You are describing my eldest!

[Tracy]

You have had lots of good advice. Let me just add that sometimes, it is very helpful to just be acknowledged. If you don't understand what she is feeling and are irritated by her behavior, she may sense that and consequently feel bad about not knowing what to do about feeling bad. But if you can express a degree of understanding, even if you don't really "get it," it may help her to at least not feel alone.

 

It can also help to talk about your own mistakes--though not at the time that her perfectionism is an issue--but at a more neutral time, like over dinner. Talking about your own frustration with not doing something right can help her to process her own feelings and give her the words to express them. My dd is a perfectionist, and we often talk about how mistakes are part of the world we live in.

 

HTH,

[Critterfixer]

Recovering perfectionist here.:001_smile: I cried a lot as a youngster over things I could not do perfectly, and over things I couldn't do period. I was a little bit afraid (a lot afraid sometimes) and deeply, deeply ashamed. First I was ashamed because I was failing to do the task to an impossibly high standard and I was ashamed because I was crying about it! Crying meant that I had lost control of myself, tantamount to an internal failure. Overall, a typical perfectionist is not tearful over anything that does not represent failure. For example-I did not cry when my kitten was hit by a car, at least not in front of anyone. I saved my tears for bedtime. But I would cry in class when I was asked to read aloud and could not sound out the word correctly. True perfectionists DO NOT want to cry. Typically, we don't want to be comforted either. Crying is our ultimate punishment and we wear it like a hair-shirt.

 

Our mantra during that phase was, "Failure isn't fatal."

I truly wish I had heard this when I was younger. I might not have believed it, but maybe I would have been less afraid of the loss of control.

I think the turning point came for me when I made my first "C". (GASP!) The thing about it was that probably 80% of the class failed. I passed and I worked my posterior off to get that "C". I'd never been so proud of average! I never had a fear of a bad grade after that because I understood what it was to be proud of having done my best.

 

Real, horrible bad, big time mistakes are going to be out there. Later she will have to learn how to blame herself, forgive herself and move on. But for now, just learning how to be proud of a job well done, but not always perfect would be a fine start.

[EppieJ]

My ds has those tendencies. I suspect there may be a little OCD/Anxiety disorder thrown in the mix. For him- and his young male ego- I try to emphasize that my love for him is not dependent upon his performance. If he never becomes a famous mathematician I will not love him any less. I ask him if he did his best and applaud that effort. I remind him of Thomas Edison's attitude when inventing the light bulb ("I didn't fail; I learned [200] ways to not do it") I reiterate that mistakes are an opportunity to learn more.

 

And I tickle him. It gets his mind off of his woes and gives him the added impression that he is valuable and important to me even if we did spend an hour on one math problem. (Yes. This happened just yesterday. He was also very tired which only compounds these situations...for both of us. Tickling-for us anyway-served to relieve stress and break some of the tension.) For me it wasn't about the math problem it was about the attitude (self-pity, "I can't", "I'm not ready for this") Now I know this sounds like I'm the worst mom/teacher because it sounds like I had no mercy. But this was a type of problem he'd done many times before with little to no issues and I was walking him through it; but he just wasn't clicking. I made him work thru it because I wanted him to see that he could do it. At that point I felt it was important to do so. After (and during) we survived this episode I spent the next 15 minutes or longer reassuring him, talking with him about learning from mistakes, tickling him as I told him things like I mentioned above.

 

Wow. Didn't mean to unload all that, but maybe you can relate. Kids like this can be really hard on themselves. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle it, but I think the best thing we can do is separate the value of the person from the performance of the task so they come to understand that their worth comes from who they are rather than the abilities they may or may not have (and I realize it's not quite that simple).

 

Best wishes!

[Momling]

My daughter is a lot like this... and it's getting worse as she heads into puberty. She has cried during standardized tests... or even just on quizzes for TT math (which I've had to discontinue temporarily because of the weird bouts of crying when she didn't get 100% on a lesson).

 

I found some really helpful suggestions when I posted about her perfectionism last year: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=188376

 

Good luck!

[MilkMaid]

The 'tough' mom in me sometimes tells my OVER dramatic perfectionist (on only select things,lol) to quityerbellyaching! or quit your belly aching!:tongue_smilie:

That is a common statement from me n my family. I cannot stand belly aching!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, I cannot always be tough with my 2 dds. I have to be soft & understanding more often than my personality tends to be. I admit that soft is something I have to TRY to be.

I don't have any good advice but the one thing I do for my dramatic 11yo dd is have one on one chats with her @ bedtime.(Sometimes more lengthy than I intend.) On days that she has shown behaviors like this that annoy me, we have heart to hearts about it after her dad & I tuck her in & dad leaves the room.LOL

Good luck & if you find a cure, let me know.:)

Blessings!;)

[nmoira]

 

Our mantra during that phase was, "Failure isn't fatal."

Oooh, I like that. I'm adding it to our "Practice Makes Progress." We've essentially banished the word "perfect" (and "fault," but that's another story) from our home.

[Alicia64]

My 7 year old son is actually like this. For now I just see it as a trait in his personality that I need to help him to learn to manage -- not snuff out. He may end up being a 90 year old man w/ tendencies toward perfectionism, but if I've taught him management skills around that tendency, then I've succeeded.

 

There are positives to this trait and I would focus with your dd on that each day too -- not just the down sides. "I love how much you care! Don't ever change that! Not everyone cares as much as you do and it's really cool!"

 

I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but the more "atta girls" you give her, the more she may stop w/ so much drama.

 

Being the youngest of so many smart people has got to be really hard on her.

 

I also often tell my boys that the reason I can't really ski -- after three years of lessons as a kid -- is because I didn't want to fall. Fall. Not fail. Fall. I didn't want to fall. And if you're not willing to fall in skiing you just don't improve. Period. So we talk about my inability to ski. A lot.

 

Anyway, I would approach it from a more positive place then trying to wipe out what is probably part of who she is at the core.

 

Believe me, our world needs people like your daughter who have learned how to manage the damaging parts of perfectionism. Some parts of it are awesome!!! (Ex: I want my son's eye surgeon to be a perfectionist -- and he was/is!)

 

Alley

[Jenny in Florida]

My 7 year old son is actually like this. For now I just see it as a trait in his personality that I need to help him to learn to manage -- not snuff out. He may end up being a 90 year old man w/ tendencies toward perfectionism, but if I've taught him management skills around that tendency, then I've succeeded.

 

. . . Anyway, I would approach it from a more positive place then trying to wipe out what is probably part of who she is at the core.

 

This just just lovely. Thank you for sharing.