dd wants to go into a field but isn't doing the work...

[distancia]

How do you handle a young adult who says she wants to pursue a specific "track" but doesn't put the effort into it?

 

dd, 18 and a senior, is weaseling and squirming out of doing the work (college pre-req class) her Fall 2011 college schedule will demand.

 

She KNOWS she has to complete the self-paced Intermediate Algebra course she is now enrolled in so she can go on to College Algebra next fall (she wants a sicence minor). Over and over again we tell her that math demands a concerted study effort of at least an hour a day, and probably 6 days a week. She will sit down, if forced to, but she never does the work on her own volition, unlike all her other college classes where we never, ever have to say a single word.

 

Yesterday I mentioned a calculus pre-req for a physics class she wants to take (I was reading the course catalog aloud) and dd turned on me and said, "why didn't you tell me this earlier?". I corrected her and told her that I DID mention it, which was why she is doing inter Alg now, so she can do College Alg in the Fall, and Pre-Calc in the Spring. I reminded her that she had asked me, as her h/s guidance counselor, to choose homeschool (college) classes that would best assist her in reaching her goal; hence, the (college) Intermediate Algebra. Every day I remind her to do it, and halfway through the assignment she will sigh and grumble and ask "how much longer is this going to take." [Kind of like, are we there yet?]

 

What do I do with this child? She insists on being a "scientist" but as I've mentioned before, she hates lab work, detest microscopes, and cannot do dissections. But you couldn't ask for a more model college student in all her liberal arts classes.

Edited March 27, 2011 by distancia

[Jane in NC]

I say it is time to let go and let her figure it out. She is 18. It is clear from a series of posts you have made that she is determined to do things her way. (Remember not to say "I told you so" down the road.)

[EKS]

She'll figure it out when the time comes.

[regentrude]

Distancia,

is that the same daughter about whose algebra issues you posted?

(If not, disregard anything I am writing.) If yes, please know that I am trying to say this as gently as possible:

you daughter is not in a position to successfully complete a self-paced algebra class because she is missing too many basic concepts, as your previous posts make clear. Procrastinating is her way of dealing with an impossible situation.

Hearing about calculus prerequisites is not going to motivate her into action, but rather paralyze her to complete inaction - because with her math history, she may not see it possible to complete these classes.

 

If you want to help your daughter, you need to get her a tutor who can work on the math WITH her. Demanding that she self-study algebra which, as you say elsewhere, she has been trying unsuccessfully for several years, is putting her in a situation which very likely looks impossible to her.

Not doing the work is her way of coping with a demand she can not fulfill.

 

 

She KNOWS she has to complete the self-paced Intermediate Algebra course she is now enrolled in so she can go on to College Algebra next fall (she wants a sicence minor). Over and over again we tell her that math demands a concerted study effort of at least an hour a day, and probably 6 days a week. She will sit down, if forced to, but she never does the work on her own volition, unlike all her other college classes where we never, ever have to say a single word.

 

Yesterday I mentioned a calculus pre-req for a physics class she wants to take (I was reading the course catalog aloud) and dd turned on me and said, "why didn't you tell me this earlier?".

[distancia]

is that the same daughter about whose algebra issues you posted?

 

Yes.

...because she is missing too many basic concepts, as your previous posts make clear. Procrastinating is her way of dealing with an impossible situation.

 

If you want to help your daughter, you need to get her a tutor who can work on the math WITH her.

 

Problem: dd doesn't want to take the time to review "all that stuff."

 

We spent August of last year through December on review, from Pre-Algebra on up. dd argued vehemently, saying it was a waste of time, when clearly, it was not. We asked her if she wanted to enroll at remedial math at the local comm college (Basically Pre-Algebra and Alg 1) and she vehemently protested. I have offered her so many opportunities to get a thorough review of math skills. When she became ill last year and we resorted to homeschooling I told her it was a blessing, because here was her opportunity to do math correctly, the way she hadn't done it public school. For years she has complained that she doesn't understand the teachers, the textbooks are poorly written (she edits all the typos and grammatical errors with a red pen!), that monotone voices make her tune out, that the fluorescent lights in the classroom bother her, etc etc. So we changed it at home: bright sunlight, Thinkwell videos, MUS program hands-on, Florida Virtual School computer class, trying every method possible. MUS did work for Geometry, a thumbs up on that. But everything else....no.

 

Bottom line: neither hubby nor I want to pay for a tutor if dd won't put out any effort. I mean, if she's unwilling to go back to pre-algebra for review, even though some of her errors are clearly pre-algebra issues, what good will a tutor do?

 

That's why I am asking, at what point do we stop trying? dd's lips are saying one thing, her actions say another.

Edited March 27, 2011 by distancia

[Sonshine]

Having homeschooled quite a few teens, this is my advice. Let her fail, but try to set her up to do it in a situation that won't mar her permanent record. It may be worth hiring a tutor to get her through this course, if not doing so would mean a D or worse on her college transcript. I don't think it's a reflection on her or you if she doesn't respond as well to you as to a tutor. Of course, I would require a certain amount of time put in studying if I was expending cash.

 

Is she in danger of getting a D or F? Can she drop the course soon? I would have no qualms about requiring her to drop the course if she is not maintaining a mid C or higher.

 

Once she gets to college, you may have to let her fail. I got some bad grades in college before I figured out I wasn't premed material. No harm done. I still got into the grad school of my choice for another field. No one pointed this out to me and I think it was better to realize it on my own. Otherwise I would have felt like that person was saying I wasn't very smart and I may have resented it to this day.

 

This dance/march is maddening. It is very hard to let them find their own way sometimes, but it's the only way to maintain your sanity and relationship with her. I try not to take it personally and to remember all the unwise/stupid things I did and thought when I was that age.

 

Was she the one who wanted to be a marine biologist? I went to a talk by a homeschool mom who wanted to be a marine biologist when she was young. Now she is a professional vocational counselor. She said she wanted to be a marine biologist because it was fun to go the beach. At some point she realized she was a people person and would have hated o be a marine biologist behind a miscroscope all day. She said if she had kept up that interest, she would have done better to be something like a spokesperson/PR person in that field.

[8filltheheart]

 

What do I do with this child? She insists on being a "scientist" but as I've mentioned before, she hates lab work, detest microscopes, and cannot do dissections. But you couldn't ask for a more model college student in all her liberal arts classes.

 

You can't do anything.

 

I know that you have said that she is an Aspie. Well, having an adult Aspie child, I can share that intelligence and definitive statements made by them do not translate into a "real" reality. Aspergers is a disability. A real one. It impacts their daily functioning and ability to do what is obvious to the rest of us as necessary to complete a goal/objective.

 

Unless your dd is willing to do what is necessary, there is nothing you can do about it. You can seek counseling for her to help her see the bigger picture, but the responsibility of doing what is required is hers. It is only when they take on the challenge of providing for their own futures that they can be helped to form realistic objectives (and realistic objectives may require an outside "authority" figure's input.)

[Ester Maria]

She is 18, distancia. 18. You cannot live her life any more, do her duties any more, check up her requirements for her to inform her what needs to be done and nag her about something which should first of all be important to HER.

 

Let it go. Give it up. Stop organizing her life and offering solutions, let HER take the initiative. Or not take it. Her life, her choices, her responsibility.

Let her walk her road. Let her fall. She may need that fall to realize that things will not magically work themselves out. Some people are like that. And it is okay, really. Some people NEED to fall before being able to proceed on a certain road, or before coming to terms with themselves that the road is not for them in the first place. From your series of posts it is quite clear that your daughter might be that type of personality.

[Chris in VA]

I agree with everyone else saying let her go, but I wanted to say that a good tutor will not take her all the way back to the beginning of skills--he/she will incorporate those skills into the current curriculum, providing a quicker catch-up than going back to the beginning will do.

 

I'm sorry you have to make a decision that is so hard. Ironically, it's my Aspie that is doing extremely well--not the kid I thought had so much darn potential.

[creekland]

You can't do anything.

 

I know that you have said that she is an Aspie. Well, having an adult Aspie child, I can share that intelligence and definitive statements made by them do not translate into a "real" reality. Aspergers is a disability. A real one. It impacts their daily functioning and ability to do what is obvious to the rest of us as necessary to complete a goal/objective.

 

Unless your dd is willing to do what is necessary, there is nothing you can do about it. You can seek counseling for her to help her see the bigger picture, but the responsibility of doing what is required is hers. It is only when they take on the challenge of providing for their own futures that they can be helped to form realistic objectives (and realistic objectives may require an outside "authority" figure's input.)

 

 

:iagree: My aspieish kid requires an outside authority now to make something "his own." There are times we have to let him find things out on his own. If I try to tell him, or even worse, if dad tries to tell him he just gets firmer on the "other" side. It's very difficult to hold my tongue, but I know I have to if there's any hope to him finding things out himself.

 

Can she go to college and perhaps find a major that suits her better by experiencing it on her own? Will the math "issue" keep her from college or just the science majors? If it keeps her from "that" college, can she do some cc courses in something she likes to encourage her in a different direction?

[kiana]

You can't make her work. Let her alone. She'll figure it out.

 

Good news is: If she gets her act together, grad school etc. will usually overlook a bad freshman year, especially if it's clearly in a major/minor that the student was unsuited for.

[distancia]

Yes, she is an Aspie.

 

Yes, she has ADD.

 

Yes, she is gifted--and maybe even in math, for all I know. But clearly she doesn't want to apply herself in this area, because if she can't grasp it it right away and make straight As, like in all her other classes, then it's just not worth her time.

 

Yes, she is the one who wanted to be a marine biologist because she loves all those cute sea creatures like dolphins and manatees. And sailing and going to the beach. But 5 chapters and 2 dissections into Apologia Marine Biology she didn't want to be a marine biologist anymore. Now she wants to be an expeditionist, explore the world with her equally unrealistic physicist boyfriend. Can you say: reality check?

 

Yes, she is 18. Yes she is driving me crazy. Yes, college scholarships are riding on this math grade.

 

Because she is under a doctor's care for meds and because this doctor is well acquainted with dd's mental and emotional capabilities, he can, as a last resort, write a medical letter to withdraw dd from this course, if need be. We wouldn't let dd get off scott free; we would make her take another college course over the summer to compensate.

 

Hubby and I talked about it this morning. We are going to try a tutor and a (separate) placement test, like the one for ALEKS, to see where dd's gaps are. We will keep an invisible deadline of April 15 (between us parents) to see if there is a change in dd's work. Then we'll go from there.

[creekland]

Yes, she is an Aspie.

 

Yes, she has ADD.

 

Yes, she is gifted--and maybe even in math, for all I know. But clearly she doesn't want to apply herself in this area, because if she can't grasp it it right away and make straight As, like in all her other classes, then it's just not worth her time.

 

Yes, she is the one who wanted to be a marine biologist because she loves all those cute sea creatures like dolphins and manatees. And sailing and going to the beach. But 5 chapters and 2 dissections into Apologia Marine Biology she didn't want to be a marine biologist anymore. Now she wants to be an expeditionist, explore the world with her equally unrealistic physicist boyfriend. Can you say: reality check?

 

Yes, she is 18. Yes she is driving me crazy. Yes, college scholarships are riding on this math grade.

 

Because she is under a doctor's care for meds and because this doctor is well acquainted with dd's mental and emotional capabilities, he can, as a last resort, write a medical letter to withdraw dd from this course, if need be. We wouldn't let dd get off scott free; we would make her take another college course over the summer to compensate.

 

Hubby and I talked about it this morning. We are going to try a tutor and a (separate) placement test, like the one for ALEKS, to see where dd's gaps are. We will keep an invisible deadline of April 15 (between us parents) to see if there is a change in dd's work. Then we'll go from there.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I hope it works out for all of you.