Need support around a "mom clique"

[Alicia64]

I really hate that at my age, a clique would still bother me.

 

I came into a co-op thinking of my kids. I'm at a point in life where a good book, a good cup of coffee or a good walk sounds great. Frankly, I don't get enough alone time. So I didn't join the co-op for mommy therapy (which is valid, don't get me wrong).

 

But I've been very friendly, very involved, cooperative, caring. And yet. . . I still feel a cool breeze from these moms.

 

Granted, they've known each other for years and have been through thick and thin. So I give them that. Bonds develop. Period.

 

But they bring new families into the co-op each year to keep the co-op alive and thriving and yet don't seem to fully embrace the new family.

 

I don't know if I'm making any sense. I don't expect a full on embrace or being babysat or anything like that. . . I just don't feel . . . I'm not sure how to say it. I don't feel totally welcomed. And we're going on month six now.

 

Honestly, I just think it's normal group dynamics. I'm the "new kid on the block" and I'll have to hang around long enough for the bonds to develop. I get that too.

 

It's little things. In talking to dh this a.m. I realized that the group might have been disgruntled w/ me for something I did or didn't do (on a small matter), but instead of talking to me about it and letting me learn what they're wanting, they're now having a more senior member shadow me. Again, it really is mild. Not a huge deal, but it's still an odd feeling to think that the group has discussed this and nobody said anything to me.

 

It's just small, little things like that that end up adding up to not feeling totally included. It's just hard.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I really have another project today I need to be handling and yet this keeps niggling at me.

 

Alley

[Plucky]

Are there other moms there you connect with? I'd just start chatting up other moms you enjoy being around. I avoid people that make me feel excluded.

[Bird Girl]

Sounds tough. Are your kids making great connections, or is this a relationship that could sort of...fade away?

 

Honestly, I'm coming to the opinion that co-ops are basically a big time waster for people who don't need that deadline to prepare their material. If you get up and do school with your kids every day, what's the need to add other people to the mix?

[elegantlion]

I went through that with a group last year. I was not "from there" and was basically ignored. I even had someone walk away from me in the MIDDLE of a conversation when they realized I wasn't a native of their state. I was only talking to them, so that made it quite obvious. Seriously. I made friendly chit chat with a few people, but it was all strained.

 

I told myself I'd put up with it for ds. Then he started begging to quit because he was having the same issues. We finished the end of the year and that was it.

 

I've been part of groups before but this was the first time I really felt like no one cared if we showed up, even though we made the effort.

[Denisemomof4]

I've been through SO much with people in my life and have come to thank my lucky stars for a WONDERFUL group of friends that I have. I think it's because of them that I just don't allow things like you mention to bother me anymore. I've seen SO much ugliness in people and now I only extend myself when I want to or when there is a chance at a RECIPROCAL relationship. If ANY relationship is not a two way street, I will not invest time or emotion into it. Period.

 

I'm older now (48) and this is something I started to figure out in my 40's.

 

I think you have one of two options. You can either try to clear the air for the issue you think they may have with you, or you can keep going for your kids, IF THEY LIKE IT AND WANT TO CONTINUE. If you continue to go, reach out to others who aren't connecting. Read a book or go for a walk during lunch time. Don't extend yourself to those other women.

 

Honestly, if I were in a group like that, I just wouldn't even try to reach out to other women. I've seen so much of what you describe in the church setting and I've seen so many people hurt by the church, myself included. We no longer attend church but one thing I've decided, REGARDLESS of being a Christian or not, is that I just don't have to tolerate badly behaving people. Those women are being rude by keeping their small group exclusive. I'd never allow that, and I know that sometimes people have had issues with me inviting new people into our clique. So what. We are ADULTS and we should behave as such. If I feel I'm being excluded from a group, it wouldn't bother me, because those are the type of people that I wouldn't want to be involved with: badly behaving people.

 

My brain feels like much today. I hope I'm making sense.

 

Go in there and hold your head high. Don't let them bother you. Enjoy life.

[Denisemomof4]

I went through that with a group last year. I was not "from there" and was basically ignored. I even had someone walk away from me in the MIDDLE of a conversation when they realized I wasn't a native of their state. I was only talking to them, so that made it quite obvious. Seriously. I made friendly chit chat with a few people, but it was all strained.

 

I told myself I'd put up with it for ds. Then he started begging to quit because he was having the same issues. We finished the end of the year and that was it.

 

I've been part of groups before but this was the first time I really felt like no one cared if we showed up, even though we made the effort.

 

That's disgusting.:grouphug:

[gingersmom]

 

Honestly, I'm coming to the opinion that co-ops are basically a big time waster for people who don't need that deadline to prepare their material. If you get up and do school with your kids every day, what's the need to add other people to the mix?

 

:iagree:

 

We were part of a co-op for about 5 months and it was 5 months too long for me.

[kalanamak]

I really hate that at my age, a clique would still bother me.

 

Not a huge deal, but it's still an odd feeling to think that the group has discussed this and nobody said anything to me.

 

 

Hold your head up, smile, be a bit mysterious and above it all. I fear this little act is all that gets through to some groups. If you seem just a wee bit snobby, people (and really, I only do this when nothing else seems to work) get the idea you are suddenly more worthwhile. :grouphug:

[Alicia64]

Everyone, thank you so much. I knew this group would give me some warm words to lessen the hurt a little.

 

I'm embarrassed to tell you that I'm 46 and really should able to navigate these kinds of waters by now, but no, I'm still about 11 inside. If that.

 

I'd quit in a heartbeat. I have two boys. One I don't think would mind not returning. The other boy is very social and would be bummed not to return.

 

My constant internal debate: we're fine on our own. And have plenty of friends and outside activities.

 

But then I think: it's nice for the kids to have an "anchor" in their week. A place where they -- kind of, sort of -- belong.

 

We're new to this state too. So I've been looking for anchoring things for them.

 

I really have taken everyone of your posts to heart.

 

Thank you,

 

Alley

[elegantlion]

I've been through SO much with people in my life and have come to thank my lucky stars for a WONDERFUL group of friends that I have. I think it's because of them that I just don't allow things like you mention to bother me anymore. I've seen SO much ugliness in people and now I only extend myself when I want to or when there is a chance at a RECIPROCAL relationship. If ANY relationship is not a two way street, I will not invest time or emotion into it. Period.

 

I'm older now (48) and this is something I started to figure out in my 40's.

 

I think you have one of two options. You can either try to clear the air for the issue you think they may have with you, or you can keep going for your kids, IF THEY LIKE IT AND WANT TO CONTINUE. If you continue to go, reach out to others who aren't connecting. Read a book or go for a walk during lunch time. Don't extend yourself to those other women.

 

Honestly, if I were in a group like that, I just wouldn't even try to reach out to other women. I've seen so much of what you describe in the church setting and I've seen so many people hurt by the church, myself included. We no longer attend church but one thing I've decided, REGARDLESS of being a Christian or not, is that I just don't have to tolerate badly behaving people. Those women are being rude by keeping their small group exclusive. I'd never allow that, and I know that sometimes people have had issues with me inviting new people into our clique. So what. We are ADULTS and we should behave as such. If I feel I'm being excluded from a group, it wouldn't bother me, because those are the type of people that I wouldn't want to be involved with: badly behaving people.

 

My brain feels like much today. I hope I'm making sense.

 

Go in there and hold your head high. Don't let them bother you. Enjoy life.

 

Thank you, I needed to hear that today. I'm almost 44 and have a low tolerance for BS, getting lower every year. We've since moved and once the snow clears we're going to start building some friendships in the community. Ds and I discussed our need to build a bridge and reach out last night. I could feel myself getting twitchy thinking about last years group.

 

I needed to be reminded that I don't have to put up with bad behaving other women. Thank you.

[Unicorn.]

But then I think: it's nice for the kids to have an "anchor" in their week. A place where they -- kind of, sort of -- belong.

 

We're new to this state too. So I've been looking for anchoring things for them.Alley

 

They are 7. Have you thought about cub scouts?

:grouphug: I'm sorry this group is treating you so bad.

[Denisemomof4]

Thank you, I needed to hear that today. I'm almost 44 and have a low tolerance for BS, getting lower every year. We've since moved and once the snow clears we're going to start building some friendships in the community. Ds and I discussed our need to build a bridge and reach out last night. I could feel myself getting twitchy thinking about last years group.

 

I needed to be reminded that I don't have to put up with bad behaving other women. Thank you.

 

Another thing I've found out in my "mature" years (if I ever can even be considered mature!:lol:) is that TRUE kindred spirit friendships are the ones that just don't take much effort. Two of my best friends in the state I met about 10 years ago. We just clicked the day we met. Our friendships are just so EASY. We have much in common (although I can't say that about all my close friends!) and we just enjoy each other so much that it's a treat to be together. Nobody needs to try. The friendships that take more effort and are more exhausting just aren't natural to me. My best friend of 37 years exhausts me. She's HIGH MAINTENANCE. If we had met later on in life I'm CONVINCED that we wouldn't be close friends. It's our history that gels us more than anything.

 

Without looking, I've just recently (in the past two years) connected on a very deep level with another friend. No effort, no trying. Although we have several friends already, we just love to be together because we just CONNECT on a very deep level. When this happens, you make time (even if you really don't have it!) because your relationship is just so special!

 

THOSE are the friendships everyone desires and deserves.

 

So stay away from high maintenance women and women who are ill behaved. Be natural and reach out. Prepare to be hurt, it WILL happen. You'll never get anywhere without trying! But someday you'll be glad you did.

 

Relocating is hard. I moved from CA to NH and honestly it took me 16 years to consider it home here. Now you couldn't PAY me to leave.

 

(where do you live? I'm in NH but it looks like ALASKA here today!!!)

[MariannNOVA]

I really hate that at my age, a clique would still bother me.

 

I came into a co-op thinking of my kids. I'm at a point in life where a good book, a good cup of coffee or a good walk sounds great. Frankly, I don't get enough alone time. So I didn't join the co-op for mommy therapy (which is valid, don't get me wrong).

 

But I've been very friendly, very involved, cooperative, caring. And yet. . . I still feel a cool breeze from these moms.

 

Granted, they've known each other for years and have been through thick and thin. So I give them that. Bonds develop. Period.

 

But they bring new families into the co-op each year to keep the co-op alive and thriving and yet don't seem to fully embrace the new family.

 

I don't know if I'm making any sense. I don't expect a full on embrace or being babysat or anything like that. . . I just don't feel . . . I'm not sure how to say it. I don't feel totally welcomed. And we're going on month six now.

 

Honestly, I just think it's normal group dynamics. I'm the "new kid on the block" and I'll have to hang around long enough for the bonds to develop. I get that too.

 

It's little things. In talking to dh this a.m. I realized that the group might have been disgruntled w/ me for something I did or didn't do (on a small matter), but instead of talking to me about it and letting me learn what they're wanting, they're now having a more senior member shadow me. Again, it really is mild. Not a huge deal, but it's still an odd feeling to think that the group has discussed this and nobody said anything to me.

 

It's just small, little things like that that end up adding up to not feeling totally included. It's just hard.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I really have another project today I need to be handling and yet this keeps niggling at me.

 

Alley

 

I hear you.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I haven't had the 'shadowing' part, and I totally understand the thick and thin that the 'core' group has been through, but at co-op, my effort and contribution is as total and complete as that of the 'core' group. My opinion is rapidly evolving into: 'don't invite new members if they will always be treated differently than your core group. ' I'm sorry - I know it stinks.

[Denisemomof4]

I hear you.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I haven't had the 'shadowing' part, and I totally understand the thick and thin that the 'core' group has been through, but at co-op, my effort and contribution is as total and complete as that of the 'core' group. My opinion is rapidly evolving into: 'don't invite new members if they will always be treated differently than your core group. ' I'm sorry - I know it stinks.

 

I certainly understand that, Mariann! But maybe YOU could be the one to change the atmosphere there? I would rather be the one who reaches out to new people, or even older members who have never connected, and helps them feel welcome (even if a newcomer myself!) than be a part of a stuffy clique that doesn't allow others in.

[elegantlion]

Another thing I've found out in my "mature" years (if I ever can even be considered mature!:lol:) is that TRUE kindred spirit friendships are the ones that just don't take much effort. Two of my best friends in the state I met about 10 years ago. We just clicked the day we met. Our friendships are just so EASY. We have much in common (although I can't say that about all my close friends!) and we just enjoy each other so much that it's a treat to be together. Nobody needs to try. The friendships that take more effort and are more exhausting just aren't natural to me. My best friend of 37 years exhausts me. She's HIGH MAINTENANCE. If we had met later on in life I'm CONVINCED that we wouldn't be close friends. It's our history that gels us more than anything.

 

Without looking, I've just recently (in the past two years) connected on a very deep level with another friend. No effort, no trying. Although we have several friends already, we just love to be together because we just CONNECT on a very deep level. When this happens, you make time (even if you really don't have it!) because your relationship is just so special!

 

THOSE are the friendships everyone desires and deserves.

 

So stay away from high maintenance women and women who are ill behaved. Be natural and reach out. Prepare to be hurt, it WILL happen. You'll never get anywhere without trying! But someday you'll be glad you did.

 

Relocating is hard. I moved from CA to NH and honestly it took me 16 years to consider it home here. Now you couldn't PAY me to leave.

 

(where do you live? I'm in NH but it looks like ALASKA here today!!!)

 

Ironically we moved back to the region I grew up in. We're in a different city though and I'd like to make some local friends. I can say I am from here, even though I hope not to use it. :lol:

[MariannNOVA]

I certainly understand that, Mariann! But maybe YOU could be the one to change the atmosphere there? I would rather be the one who reaches out to new people, or even older members who have never connected, and helps them feel welcome (even if a newcomer myself!) than be a part of a stuffy clique that doesn't allow others in.

 

hi, Denise: You know - I have brought new families into the co-op and I only joined myself this past September. I do tend to go out of my way to change the atmosphere. The director/leader is the same way -- often when we plan dinner outings for the parents, it is her and her husband and me and my husband - which is fine with us. We get along well and have a great time --

 

Read my thread about the nonsense going on -- the person who is giving me a pain in the arse, well, last week we were all at an all day invitational. She planned a dinner for all the families - selected a restaurant with gluten free items on the menu since she is GF (and I had no problem with the place she selected - in fact, I loved the place) -- she does the whole thing and the day of the competition, she announces that she isn't going. At the dinner, it was the co-op leader and her dh and me and my dh - and TWELVE kids! Three were mine, two were the co-op leaders, and the other 7 belonged to other parents who 'couldn't make it.' Two of them belonged to the woman who planned the dinner. Granted all the kids came with their own $$$, and their parents picked them up when it was over or had arranged rides, but HEY -- Do I want to babbysit your kids on a Saturday night? I don't think so.:glare:

[4wildberrys]

I went through that with a group last year. I was not "from there" and was basically ignored. I even had someone walk away from me in the MIDDLE of a conversation when they realized I wasn't a native of their state. I was only talking to them, so that made it quite obvious. Seriously. I made friendly chit chat with a few people, but it was all strained.

 

I told myself I'd put up with it for ds. Then he started begging to quit because he was having the same issues. We finished the end of the year and that was it.

 

I've been part of groups before but this was the first time I really felt like no one cared if we showed up, even though we made the effort.

 

 

Yuck. And I know exactly how this feels---because the last 16 years of my life have been 'this'. We are not 'from here', don't hunt, fish, snowmobile, and do all of the other outdoor sporty things that people here live for----so I spent too much time and too many years joining this and that to fit in, only to finally realize, actually after it was told plainly to my face, that we just don't fit in and we are different and so we are an oddity.

 

For the OP, I wish I had some sort of constructive advice, but I don't. We are moving back to 'our state' soon because we have had it up to our eyeballs with small mindedness in this small town :glare:

[Guest CarolineUK]

I went through a very similar experience when we moved to a new village in a new part of the country when my eldest was just six months old. We joined a toddler group and the local church groups and I felt exactly as you describe. Then Christian was born and things did get a little better, but it was very cliquey. It was hard and very lonely with two small children, a house we were renovating, and my husband away a lot. I actually got very down and just longed to move.

 

By the time Thomas was on the way DH had changed job and we were able to move. It was only during the last six months we lived there that I felt the warmth and acceptance I'd longed for from the start.

 

We rented a house near DH's new job and again with the parents at Alec and Christian's new school I felt very alienated, but I'd learned to just smile through it, be happy, be friendly and not let it bother me. By the time we found our present house which is 30 miles away from the house we'd rented I felt like we belonged there too.

 

I love where we live now and never want to live anywhere else, but here too, I think it took about two years for people to 'warm up' to us. I've just accepted now that it can take a couple of years to fit in, for me anyway. I know some very extrovert people who become the life and soul of existing cliques in no time at all, but I'm quite reserved and quiet so it takes time. It can hurt though, if you let it bother you. I can remember wondering "What is wrong with me? Why isn't anybody at all interested in being friendly with me?" and then going on a downward spiral of negativity. It's reallly important not to go there.

[Jennifer3141]

Oh hon, the crazy mom clique thing is annoying as heck. All I can tell you is that once you find your group of friends, that mom clique will be a quiet private joke between you all.

 

Our crazy mom clique all goes to gym day at a local church and sits in a circle with its back to the room. The first time I saw that, I actually started to laugh because how are you supposed to break into a circle? A group of 30-40 year old women doesn't get that??

 

Anyway, I had to deal with that clique thing too and the thing was, my closest friends now did too!! Not getting into that circle united some of us and now, I've got this amazingly quirky set of homeschooling parents.

 

And as daunting as that circle on the floor was to me, it is utterly hysterical to hear tales of how my Aspie homeschool dad friend interpreted that circle. Picture a befuddled nerd pacing the outside of the circle, looking for a place to sit while a group of snobby moms pretended not to see him.

 

I think sometimes people just don't think. And I think women in a group can be worse. It's really a little disturbing to see the same behavior in 8th grade girls and in 40 year old women. :glare:

[Denisemomof4]

hi, Denise: You know - I have brought new families into the co-op and I only joined myself this past September. I do tend to go out of my way to change the atmosphere. The director/leader is the same way -- often when we plan dinner outings for the parents, it is her and her husband and me and my husband - which is fine with us. We get along well and have a great time --

 

Read my thread about the nonsense going on -- the person who is giving me a pain in the arse, well, last week we were all at an all day invitational. She planned a dinner for all the families - selected a restaurant with gluten free items on the menu since she is GF (and I had no problem with the place she selected - in fact, I loved the place) -- she does the whole thing and the day of the competition, she announces that she isn't going. At the dinner, it was the co-op leader and her dh and me and my dh - and TWELVE kids! Three were mine, two were the co-op leaders, and the other 7 belonged to other parents who 'couldn't make it.' Two of them belonged to the woman who planned the dinner. Granted all the kids came with their own $$$, and their parents picked them up when it was over or had arranged rides, but HEY -- Do I want to babbysit your kids on a Saturday night? I don't think so.:glare:

 

:scared::scared::scared: WHAT is WITH people??!!!!! :svengo:

 

I can't EVEN IMAGINE!!!

 

:leaving:

[MariannNOVA]

:scared::scared::scared: WHAT is WITH people??!!!!! :svengo:

 

I can't EVEN IMAGINE!!!

 

:leaving:

 

I know -- it goes straight into the 'we can't make this up' file!

[FrogMom5]

People welcomed newcomers into groups, supported and helped each other, and made sure their kids welcomed and included the new kids. For a time, I believed this attitude was the homeschooling culture. I loved it and made sure I was just as welcoming as people had been to me. Over the years, I have watched people become less friendly, less welcoming. There's no longer the "we're in this together" feeling, except on this board.

 

At first I thought I was imagining it, then I thought it was just the circumstances of where I lived. We moved to another state and it's the same thing - exclusions, cold shoulder stuff. I still shake my head and think, this isn't how homeschoolers behave. It doesn't seem to matter what group you join, Christian, secular, etc. Many people are rude and snotty. They will judge you harshly though, if you start making friends in the ps community. You've joined the enemy sort of stuff. Ugh!:tongue_smilie:

 

I agree with Denise (I'm Denise too, btw), just move on. Life is too short and too enjoyable to be bogged down w/rude, inconsiderate people. I'm 47 and while it still hurts, I have very little patience for this type of behavior anymore. Besides, I have to protect my kids.

 

:grouphug: Hugs from us! I wish we all lived near each other.

 

Denise