Oh great Hive-I am in need of your wisdom (In-laws and dh)

[simka2]

I would appreciate your thoughts on this, but I will say up front that I will probly forget to include details that may be pertinent. Sorry, but there's to much and I want to try to keep it simple ;).

 

Many know the 3+ years ago we went thru a devestating church staff experience. This involved (assualt, character defamation, stalking type behaviors...and being ripped away from many people we loved) Thankfully, we were able to get help, restore dh's reputation and begin the long road to healing.

 

When this happened dh's parents were elders and his brother (married with young babies) was on staff as well. At first, we did try to tell his parents what was happening, but we were told not to "Talk that way about our Pastor." :confused: When we were "forced to resign" some bigwigs in our denom stepped in and helped us (provided psych tests, counseling, and various other things to restor dh's rep) Dh was cleared of everything he was accused of by this Pastor ( a counter attack to hide what the Pastor was really up to...deflection) Anyway, we tried to let dh's parents know that we were okay, but they would only believe their Pastor. Finally, dh told them that so long as they were elders there, he couldn't divulge all that was going on. He was specific in that they didn't have to leave the church, but he wasn't going to share information with this Pastor's elders (this was under the advice of the denoms national leadership).

 

His parents refused to step down as elders, dh couldn't talk to them, they got mad. Eventually the truth came to light about this Pastor, he resigned and moved away leaving a church and many families in shambles, but the damage to dh and his parents relationship was done. :confused:

 

In counseling some other issues came up about how dh was the family hero, and from adolescence was put in the position of his moms counselor. We began to realize how unhealthy this was...and with that relization came a lot of anger and greiving on the part of dh. He asked his parents for some "space" while he figured stuff out (he didn't want to lash out at them in his anger). They freaked!!! Called the new pastor we were serving under to force dh to talk to him, that pastor would have nothing to do with it. Ranted to the entire extended family about dh, resulting in letters and emails to us about how disrespectful he was. They talked about us in the community, resulting in me receiving messages about, "How dh could even be in ministry when he wasn't honoring his parents?"

 

So, dh's request for a few weeks break turned into almost 6 months. 5 of those months were just dodging their attempts at contact...1 month was actual processing. At the end of those 6months dh wrote his parents a letter. He was very honest about his feelings regarding how he was "made" into his mom's therapist. How they were not there when he needed them most. And about how he was expected to make them look good. He also, said he understood they were not perfect, and they did the best with the parenting tools they had. He was ready to start rebuilding a healthy relationship, but he needed it to start in writing...not in face to face or phone (his moms just starts sobbing, and nothing gets accomplished)

 

We heard NOTHING for a year and half. They refused to write to him, until a few days ago. Dh got a letter from his mother. She stated that for a year she kept rereading his letter and couldn't believe he could say those things about her!!!! Finally, she prayed and asked God to show her something, and that time she read it from his perspective. She apologized to him. She said they had failed him. Then she said, "I hope you can forgive me so we both can move on with our lives." :001_huh: and, "Keep your heart open and love will find a way in." Yup, it ended with a line from Kay jewlers :D.

 

At, first we were just amazed that there was a response and an apology. But I just don't know. I've spent almost 2 years of my kids life answering their questions about why Grandma and Grandpa don't talk to them anymore. I've tried to be gracious, and mainly said, "Sweeties, Grandma and Grandpa are having to work thru some things right now...it's not your fault!" I've had to deal with my own heartache over seeing FB pics with grandma with her other grandkids.

 

And....I'm not sure dh wants to write back. A year and a half ago...yes, but now...I don't know. The first couple days I asked it him..."did you write your Mother?" "No?" would be his response. Part of me realizes I was pressureing him to write because I want a normal family, I want restoration, and I don't want others to be mad that they wrote and we didn't write back :001_huh:. Now, I just don't know. I don't know if I tust this letter, and I'm not sure how to encourage dh.

 

Any thoughts?

[Mrs Mungo]

Honestly? I don't know what I would do in your situation. It's very hard to be estranged from family members. One part of me says, "it's his mom, you need to let him deal with it in his way." But, sometimes we need people to push us to try and do the right thing. And I do think working toward restoration is the right thing. :grouphug:

[Truscifi]

Give him time to process this. He will write, or choose not to write, when he is ready. I would not ask him about it or push him in any way. His needs in this are more important than what anyone thinks.

 

That said, I'm sure this is difficult for you as well. I have been through difficulties with my own parents, and been through dh's difficulties with his, and sometimes it just takes a while. :grouphug:

[TN Mama]

Honestly? I don't know what I would do in your situation. It's very hard to be estranged from family members. One part of me says, "it's his mom, you need to let him deal with it in his way." But, sometimes we need people to push us to try and do the right thing. And I do think working toward restoration is the right thing. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: Well said. Hugs from me, too. :grouphug:

[FaithManor]

I think you need to pray for him, love him, and support his decision whatever that is. But, I don't think you can get him to do this without resenting you and he may be in a place in life where letting his parents go and not resuming a relationship is the best course of action for him. Let it drop.

 

Also, I remember from a lot of the EO/ROman Catholic threads, of which I was gleaning a LOT of information, that you and dh are seeking in the faith department. That's wonderful...dh and I are too. It might be that while the two of you are doing this seeking, it would not be a good time to also be trying to rebuild a very damaged relationship. That could be too much pressure at once.

 

I know that my own brother-in-law went through a HUGE break with he and dh's father. It was pretty traumatic and the end result was that he just didn't end up having any kind of relationship with either of them. Now that their father is gone, he's rebuilding his relationship with his mom. BIL wife really thought it was a very bad thing for her dh to continue the break and for a couple of years tried every bit of cojoling and even nagging she could think of to try to force him to resolve his issues with his father. It was motivated by a good heart. She truly thought that it was going to end up negatively affecting her husband if he didn't reconcile his relationship with his dad. But, in the end, they nearly divorced over it. That's when she decided to stay out of it.

 

Speaking from experience here, you are mourning the loss of your dream of a "normal" relationship with the in-laws and grandparents for your children. Let yourself grieve. Dh had such a turbulent relationship for a while with his dad - for a period of about five years -that we didn't let the man have any contact with our children. It was pretty stressful and I had to give up a lot of my ideals. I eventually had three counseling sessions, not really professional ones, but just opportunities to vent to a couple that I respected and who always had a listening ear and great advice. Those sessions helped me let go which in turn helped eleviate the stress on dh that I sometimes unwittingly placed on him in my attempts to see a relationship healed.

 

Prayer, support, love, and letting go. That's my advice.

 

((((HUGS))))

Faith

Edited February 7, 2011 by FaithManor

[Dobela]

You know, after a break like that, things are never the same again. Things don't go back to what it was. It may be uncomfortable forever, even if he does respond. Now, your dh has more pain to work thru (really, it took that long for my mom to think it was important enough to contact me and tell me she loved me?) I would assume. He has also moved on with his life in other ways and has learned to some degree to live without his parents in it. He has spent time in grief and anger and been trying to heal.

 

I have had a large break with my mom and even though we have occassional contact, it will never be the same again. I don't want things to go back to where they were, and I don't want my future filled with stress over the past or wondering how I really was perceived to be by the other family members.

[LizzyBee]

It took over a year for his mom to process your dh's feelings and admit her mistakes. It will take time for your dh to process her apology. I would think that he has some resentment and turmoil because it took so long for her to respond, and he has to process all that before he can respond to her. I would give him time, space, prayers, a shoulder to cry on, and just wait until he is ready. That happy, reconciled family may be in your future, but it will take time to rebuild all that's been lost along the way. :grouphug:

[simka2]

Thanks EVERYONE!!!! I really appreciate it, and it so helpful to just get it off my chest. Even as I wrote it, I realized that what he was struggling with the fact that it is a similar cycle. "I'm so sorry, now make sure you forgive us and make this right for everyone." (If you don't forgive then noone can move on) Making him again responsible for her life.

 

I was just sooooo hopeing for something different :o, and I don't want to have to fight the new battles from extended family. The..."she wrote, she's working according to your guys terms....now you HAVE TO ______."

 

What's so unfortunate is dh FORGAVE them a long time ago, he's just not willing to put himself (and us) back in an unhealthy situation. So, we have done our very best to move on...and we've been pretty successful in that.

 

They equate forgiveness with the fam being all together. It's just not that simple....

 

Dh and I talked about this a moment ago...and he's just not ready. He was feeling off about it. Sometimes he does need to pushed out of his comfort zone, but I don't think this one of those.

 

I think I would be doing it more to build an illusion, than because it was good and healthy.

 

Why does it have to be so hard? :tongue_smilie:

[elegantlion]

You have a big God and mighty man at your side in your dh. Give him time and space. It would be really nice to just go back to how things used to be, but they won't be that way. Hopefully they will be good again, but it will still be different. Scars show. Your dh is a wise man, you've got a lot of "new" things on your plate and digging into old wounds has to happen in the proper atmosphere and head space.

 

There's just such betrayal in the whole thing. I mean those are the types of things that are supposed to happen in dysfunctional families, not in a close family, not in a church family. (At least that is what I would have thought five years ago).

 

I'm glad she sent the letter and opened the line of communication. :grouphug::grouphug:

[WTMCassandra]

I think it's best to take it S - L - O - W - L - Y.

 

It sounds like your husband has a lot of wisdom. I would let him dictate the pace. Rushing into reconciliation could be a BIG mistake. And listen to his instincts that the response is at least partially boom-now-you-have-to-make-it-all-better-RIGHT-NOW. It could easily still be an unhealthy dynamic, even though it is a step in the right direction.

 

Going slowly will damage your family much less than rushing into a hasty reconciliation that isn't real.

[Tap]

Would he consider a baby step?

 

How about a brief note instead of a letter? It would be less for him to mentally conceive right now, but still leaves the doors open for communication.

 

Mom,

 

I got your letter. I really appreciate your apology and would like to write you more, but I need some time to think some things through. I will write again, but for now, just know that we are all well.

 

XX

 

 

This lets her know that he got the letter, acknowledges that the apology was accepted, but still gives him some time to decide where to go from here.

[simka2]

Would he consider a baby step?

 

How about a brief note instead of a letter? It would be less for him to mentally conceive right now, but still leaves the doors open for communication.

 

Mom,

 

I got your letter. I really appreciate your apology and would like to write you more, but I need some time to think some things through. I will write again, but for now, just know that we are all well.

 

XX

 

 

This lets her know that he got the letter, acknowledges that the apology was accepted, but still gives him some time to decide where to go from here.

 

 

Yes! I think this is what he's going to do. Not sure that it's going to go over real well, but we will see. I guess how it goes over will give us some sense of where things are at.

 

Thank you :D.

[Danestress]

Freedom, by Jonathon Franzen, and your post reminded me of it because one of the characters in that book, as he grew to manhood, developed an awareness and resentment about being his mother's "designated understander." I think that's what he called it. It made me want to be very careful not to put my sons in that position!

 

I guess one thing that strikes me about your situation is that everyone is suffering from sin. I'm not sure the details, but it sounds like a pastor sinned, lied about it, and tried to blame your husband. Your in-laws are suffering too from this man's sin. Sin, right starting in Gen 3, makes people who love each other experience doubt, anger, distrust. They listen to the wrong people and hurt each other, and then try to blame each other. Even though your in-laws handled this quite badly, they are also victims of a deceitful sin.

 

Just wanted to throw that out. Doesn't excuse everything and I have no advice on what your DH should or shouldn't do, it just struck me.

[JVA]

I'm so sorry you have gone through so much.....I agree with a pp- your dh is a strong and wise man.

We also have had a break in family relationships - dysfunctional ways of interacting with each other. It's painful and one must grieve the loss of an ideal. Grieving takes TIME. Lots of TIME. And support from loved ones.

Since my mother wanted NOTHING to do with being a grandmother, I had to get over it and find a substitute. Nothing will ever replace the ideal I had of her actually liking my children, caring about them and initiating relationships with them but what God provided was better than NOTHING. And I became grateful for what we did have. It became a sweet influence in their lives.

Reconcilation is the rejoining of two changed people/parties. They are not like they used to be. This means they have to acknowledge the faults from before and change. It's hard and doesn't happen easily. Since my mother will never think she's done anything wrong or want to change, true reconciliation will never take place. Civil interaction is all I can expect.

Have you heard of the Boundaries books? What about The Mom Factor?

I'll bet your library has them. Mine does. They were both SO VERY helpful to me to cope with the loss and hurt.

Here's a hug....hope you have someone you trust you can confide IRL.

:grouphug:

[simka2]

Freedom, by Jonathon Franzen, and your post reminded me of it because one of the characters in that book, as he grew to manhood, developed an awareness and resentment about being his mother's "designated understander." I think that's what he called it. It made me want to be very careful not to put my sons in that position!

 

I guess one thing that strikes me about your situation is that everyone is suffering from sin. I'm not sure the details, but it sounds like a pastor sinned, lied about it, and tried to blame your husband. Your in-laws are suffering too from this man's sin. Sin, right starting in Gen 3, makes people who love each other experience doubt, anger, distrust. They listen to the wrong people and hurt each other, and then try to blame each other. Even though your in-laws handled this quite badly, they are also victims of a deceitful sin.

 

Just wanted to throw that out. Doesn't excuse everything and I have no advice on what your DH should or shouldn't do, it just struck me.

 

I may have to look into that book!!!

 

and I know, everyone is suffering from that. We get it (now, it took awhile) and feel for them on many levels. Because of the past role "designated understander" (btw I like that, it's a bit nicer than the emotional incest term the counselor gave us :001_smile:) Dh is ONE person who CAN'T make this all better for them. That's actually the root issue, and it doesn't seem like she quite gets it and she may never. I'm not sure if this will ever be completely fixed, and that's something I have to remember.

 

Thankfully, dh is able to have a "normal" relationship with my mother (she has really good boundaires). I've seen dh do some really hard work on this issue, both acknowledging what happened, why it wasn't ok, working thru the anger, and working towards forgivness....he just doesn't want to go back to being her "designated understander."

[Hedgehog]

What's so unfortunate is dh FORGAVE them a long time ago, he's just not willing to put himself (and us) back in an unhealthy situation. So, we have done our very best to move on...and we've been pretty successful in that.

 

See to me, this is a key thing. You know the situation I have in my relationship with my DH. You can forgive - truly get to a place where whatever it was that was done or said to you, no longer has a negative effect on you in any way - but you may not choose to live with that situation any more. That shouldn't be confused with forgiveness. If I ever left DH, then it has nothing to do with my forgiveness - or otherwise - of the hurt he's caused. It will simply be because I will choose, at that point, that I will no longer live with what he's doing.

 

I have no idea what the best course of action is. It sounds like the relationship with your parents-in-law is not really going to be healthy, even now. I think a PP was right when they said that part of the struggle may well be a feeling of the loss of "normal" family relationships - parent to child, grandparent to grandchild, in-law to DIL - a sort of grieving. So that will take time. And for what it's worth, I would be honest with your dc (if not now, then at some point) about why you are estranged from your DH's parents. It just may help them in their own family relationships, one day.

 

:grouphug: Simka. :grouphug: Sometimes, families just suck!

[simka2]

I'm so sorry you have gone through so much.....I agree with a pp- your dh is a strong and wise man.

We also have had a break in family relationships - dysfunctional ways of interacting with each other. It's painful and one must grieve the loss of an ideal. Grieving takes TIME. Lots of TIME. And support from loved ones.

Since my mother wanted NOTHING to do with being a grandmother, I had to get over it and find a substitute. Nothing will ever replace the ideal I had of her actually liking my children, caring about them and initiating relationships with them but what God provided was better than NOTHING. And I became grateful for what we did have. It became a sweet influence in their lives.

Reconcilation is the rejoining of two changed people/parties. They are not like they used to be. This means they have to acknowledge the faults from before and change. It's hard and doesn't happen easily. Since my mother will never think she's done anything wrong or want to change, true reconciliation will never take place. Civil interaction is all I can expect.

Have you heard of the Boundaries books? What about The Mom Factor?

I'll bet your library has them. Mine does. They were both SO VERY helpful to me to cope with the loss and hurt.

Here's a hug....hope you have someone you trust you can confide IRL.

:grouphug:

 

We just moved, so that makes it a bit more difficult to find IRL support. I guess it helps me be even more grateful for this board :D.

 

I loved Boundaires, but it's so easy to forget and get caught back up in just wanting it all to be fixed!!

[simka2]

See to me, this is a key thing. You know the situation I have in my relationship with my DH. You can forgive - truly get to a place where whatever it was that was done or said to you, no longer has a negative effect on you in any way - but you may not choose to live with that situation any more. That shouldn't be confused with forgiveness. If I ever left DH, then it has nothing to do with my forgiveness - or otherwise - of the hurt he's caused. It will simply be because I will choose, at that point, that I will no longer live with what he's doing.

 

I have no idea what the best course of action is. It sounds like the relationship with your parents-in-law is not really going to be healthy, even now. I think a PP was right when they said that part of the struggle may well be a feeling of the loss of "normal" family relationships - parent to child, grandparent to grandchild, in-law to DIL - a sort of grieving. So that will take time. And for what it's worth, I would be honest with your dc (if not now, then at some point) about why you are estranged from your DH's parents. It just may help them in their own family relationships, one day.

 

:grouphug: Simka. :grouphug: Sometimes, families just suck!

 

 

Thank you for sharing this! Yes, we do plan on being honest(more detailed) with the kids at some point...it's going to take some wisdom on when and how much.