myfunnybunch Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Or something. Our lovely teen daughter, the eldest, is my stepdaughter. About 1-1/2 years ago she moved to live with her mom, both to establish a daily living relationship with her mother (she hadn't lived with her since she was 2) and to go to a wonderful charter high school. We were sad to let her go, but supportive of her reasons and her move. One thing that she has always struggled with is truthfulness. She creates in her life...communication triangles, maybe? She'll give different information to different people knowing the likelihood that they'd not communicate. For example, she'd tell her mom, "I desperately want to come live with you. It's terrible at my Dad's." She'd tell her dad (my dh), "Mom keeps begging me to come live with her, but I don't want to." We found this out when dd's mother threatened to take us to court to sue for custody because dd was telling her we refused to let her move even though she begged. When all three--dd, dh, dd's mom--sat down together in the same place, she confessed that she wanted to stay with us. This is not a one-time thing, it is a typical communication pattern with her. I don't share this example to put down my dd in any way. I love her very much and can see what a bright, loyal, talented, loving young woman she is. I think she lives very much in her head, and shares how things feel to her in the moment. I also believe that she's deeply insecure and doesn't trust that those around her to see things her way, and I think she's possibly clinically depressed. She sent us a message saying (in a nutshell) that her mom was being completely unreasonable and she'd like to come live with us. Dh's first impulse was to rescue her from the terrible situation, but based on our communication history, I told him what I thought was going on and insisted he talk with her mother first. My instinct was right on: She graduated from high school last term, told her mom she'd go to the community college, but refused to register for classes at the last minute. She won't get a job or even look for one. She won't do volunteer work. She won't help around the house. She just sits in her bedroom on the computer all day long. Her mom is d-o-n-e. Bottom line: She's coming to stay with us for two weeks. Then she has to go back to her mom's for at least two weeks to try to resolve things with her mom becuse we're not willing to be an escape or rescue from a difficult situation she's created. Her mom is on board with this. Then we will all decide whether it's best for her to come live with us or stay with her mom. My questions: What would you say to this...not-child, but not-adult either? We have some boundaries to set if she decides she wants to live here: Out looking for work or volunteering daily if she chooses not to register for college classes. Helping around the house. Respectful (though this is not a problem) and responsible. But what if she doesn't do these things? She can go back to her mom's but the expectations are the same there (thanks to dh's phone call we are all on the same page), and her mom is at her wit's end. I am making an appointment with our doctor for general health issues and with a psych to have her evaluated for depression (and possibly internet addiction too?). If she needs treatment, continued treatment will be a condition of living with us. I am sad because I see how much she's struggling and I hate to see her so unhappy. I am angry because I see how capable and amazing my beautiful daughter is and she is casting herself as the victim of her own choices, just completely giving away all of her own power to change her life. I am so delighted to get to spend some time with our lovely gentle young woman, and thrilled for her brothers and sister who have missed her so much. I am worried about her. Worried, worried, worried about her health, about her future, about our family..... What would you do? Besides pour a glass of wine and have a good cry, which is what I'll probably do at the end of this day. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 What are the consequences if she chooses "none of the above? The rules sound reasonable... but they are meaningless unless there is a consequence. How do you determine if she is really "looking" for a job? Are you, dh or mom going with her? What if she "claims" to be volunteering, but instead is "hanging out with friends?" My parents gave my younger brother a choice like that many years ago... he chose none of the above, and was left to fend for himself in FL. My parents did NOT give a choice like this to my baby brother... and he is now 32 and still living at home (no rent, probably has a gambling problem... spends all of his money to play sports and drive to sports... and is probably half-way done with his BS, but decided he didn't like his major. Stuck in a job that is 80 miles away, and refuses to change anything about his life). As a sister, I've been there... as a parent, I pray I never have to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 It sounds like you have a great plan in place and clear expectations of your dsd. I have no advice about what to do if she does not comply; I just wanted to give you :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 If it's financially possible I would go with her and help her sign up for school and give it a chance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 It really sounds like you have it covered. Get the wine out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 What are the consequences if she chooses "none of the above? The rules sound reasonable... but they are meaningless unless there is a consequence. I think the boundaries and consequences need to be very clear: Either abide by what we've set or live elsewhere. Dh is worried that she will feel unwelcome or that she will end up with nowhere to live. How do you determine if she is really "looking" for a job? Are you, dh or mom going with her? What if she "claims" to be volunteering, but instead is "hanging out with friends?" That's another issue with which I struggle: How much responsibility do we take for her school or job-hunting? Do we check up on her and monitor her whereabouts, or do we allow her to make her own choices and follow through on the consequence if she lies to us or doesn't follow through? I want to go bang my head against a wall. Thanks so much for your input! Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 My father in law has dealt with this with some of his kids. In his case he threatened to kick them out (and he would have done it, too) if they didn't work at getting a job, a driver's license, and learn how to budget and write a check. (I think "looking for a job" included daily application filling and interviews) His oldest dd's choice was to get married and leave. She never got her license and still "can't" write a check. 15 years later she has just separated from her husband because of infidelity (on her part.) She, too, is living with her biological mother (she was adopted into my dh's family when she was 16) and her mom wants her out. My fil will take her back home, but only on the above mentioned conditions. The point of all this: sometimes kids need a dose of harsh reality to wake them up. And sometimes they ignore you and ruin their lives. You know your daughter best. You know what shes capable of. Hold her to that standard, and maybe start charging rent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I think your plan is good. I think the doctor visit is a good idea; if she is suffering from depression, then your rules will have to be a little different. In that case, you could have an expectation that she be working on her illness, with treatment or therapy or exercise or whathaveyou. I do not think that it would be right to make her live on her own if she is truly suffering from that, but if she is not and simply chooses not to comply with familial expectations, then she will have to find somewhere else to live and figure out how to live on her own. So, I would be hesitant to make a final judgment before you have full information from a doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Please, please, PLEASE take this child to the doctor ASAP. If she is spending all day in her room, she is depressed. Why would someone choose to not go to school or get a job or have a life? Please take her to the doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 It really sounds like you have it covered. Get the wine out. :iagree: You've laid out the clear expectations for her. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have much recourse. She either goes to school or gets a job. Before I suggest a doc for depression, we don't know her temperment or behavioral issues. She may just be slacking for a season? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Your expectations are great, and the move to get her evaluated is wonderful. I would wait to set consequences until you see what the doc says. Either way - if she chooses to live with you - she chooses to abide by your rules while in the house. If you think there is an issue with internet addiction, I would not let her have the computer in her bedroom. Make it mandatory that it be in a social area of the household. It can be scary what she could actually be addicted to on the web - which could explain some behaviors. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 It sounds like you have a great plan in place and clear expectations of your dsd. I have no advice about what to do if she does not comply; I just wanted to give you :grouphug:. Thank you so much. We thought she was in school, and this is a complete shock. If it's financially possible I would go with her and help her sign up for school and give it a chance. I would like to do this, but her reason for not going to college is simply that she doesn't want to. If she's with us when the next term starts, I'll help her sign up at the community college if she's willing. It really sounds like you have it covered. Get the wine out. Thank you, Remudamom. The point of all this: sometimes kids need a dose of harsh reality to wake them up. And sometimes they ignore you and ruin their lives. You know your daughter best. You know what shes capable of. Hold her to that standard, and maybe start charging rent. Thanks, this is what I think she needs too. Some clear loving boundaries and the expectation that if she wants to be treated like an adult, she's got to start acting like one. I think your plan is good. I think the doctor visit is a good idea; if she is suffering from depression, then your rules will have to be a little different. In that case, you could have an expectation that she be working on her illness, with treatment or therapy or exercise or whathaveyou. I do not think that it would be right to make her live on her own if she is truly suffering from that, but if she is not and simply chooses not to comply with familial expectations, then she will have to find somewhere else to live and figure out how to live on her own. Thank you! I am not sure, though, what's appropriate to expect if she is suffering from depression. What do we do if she doesn't comply with treatment and just sits around all day anyway? I suppose we'll cross that bridge when/if it comes to that, but I do think that our expectations will have to change as far as her living circumstances and what we expect of her. Please' date=' please, PLEASE take this child to the doctor ASAP. If she is spending all day in her room, she is depressed. Why would someone choose to not go to school or get a job or have a life? Please take her to the doctor.[/quote'] She has been to a doctor in her mom's town, several times, to rule out physical causes. I am starting with a doctor visit because the only information we get is funneled through her, and it....just doesn't make sense. If we take her to my doctor, I may be able to get more information. :iagree: You've laid out the clear expectations for her. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have much recourse. She either goes to school or gets a job. Before I suggest a doc for depression, we don't know her temperment or behavioral issues. She may just be slacking for a season? This is my hope (some hope, right? But better than the alternatives): That she's just tired, confused about what's next in life and she's kind of slacking right now. She is very passive and has a hard time dealing with anger. There's been a lot of conflict with her mom about college. I can see her maybe not-quite-consciously using this kind of behavior as a way to express anger and defiance to her mom. Thank you all for responding as I try to sort this out. I feel like I've been hit with a brick. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Thank you all for responding as I try to sort this out. I feel like I've been hit with a brick. Cat :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug: if you find yourself looking for a third option, there are lots of 1 year volunteer opportunities out there to do work in the third world..... http://www.serve.gov/ in the bottom right hand corner are links to all sorts of good volunteer organizations. :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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