Will you please cut to the chase?

[Jean in Newcastle]

You might not think so seeing me hang out here, but I am very busy. The nice thing of course with communication online is that I can stop typing at any moment to deal with interruptions, needs, or even chores if I realize that my time allotment here is up. I do like to talk on the telephone but I like to choose the time. I choose when I'm due to have a laundry folding session and the kids are nicely occupied with their own tasks. My mommy friends remember when I tend to call and they do me the favor of calling around that time because they know that I'm free at that time. And if they realize that I am being interrupted by kids, they are really understanding about having me call back once things settle down.

 

However, I have a single neighbor who tends to be needy and tends to always call at the most inconvenient times. She without fail will call during a meal or a spelling test or when I'm putting the kids to bed. 90% of the time I will not answer the phone if I'm busy but will let the answering machine pick up. But there are times when I'm waiting for a Dr. to call back or a repairman, or my husband, or my kids will pick up even though I didn't want them to. And again, my neighbor has a knack to call during that 10% of the time, more often than not!

 

She always needs something - quite often advice, or to borrow something or for me to do something for her. Most of the time I don't mind doing the actual thing and if I can't do it, I have no trouble telling her no. My trouble (and the reason for this thread) is that she rambles on and on before I even find out what it is that she does want. If I act impatient at all, she gets very offended (which can have the benefit of her not calling me for awhile:tongue_smilie:) But in general, can you give me way to get her to cut to the chase without offending her? If I can do things the nice way I'd rather go that route first.

 

I just realized that this thread is pretty long and I should have cut to the chase right away myself.:lol:

[sbgrace]

Is she lonely? That's the way it sounds on this end. I'm glad you're so kind to her. It sounds like she doesn't have others to rely on.

 

Since generally the only time you answer when it's inconvenient is when you're expecting another call can you just mention upfront you're expecting the doctor (or whomever) to call back and so need to keep the line clear? Can't the kids say you're not available and they will leave a message? If it's that you're ok and then it goes on and on and you really need to get off I'd probably just tell her the reason (the oven went off, whatever). She takes offense at that though I assume? Would she still be offended if you offered to call her back later in the day? I'm wondering if she just wants to talk to someone?

 

I think I feel sorry for both of you! She sounds needy.

Edited December 13, 2010 by sbgrace

[Evergreen State Sue]

I can't guarantee that it won't offend her, but I am just direct. When I answer the phone I'd say, "Hi (friend's name), I'm just in the middle of X or I'm just about ready to give a spelling test. What can I do for you?". Then I answer what she wants and quickly say I have to get back to XYZ. Talk to you later, bye! If it sounds like she needs to talk longer than I have, I set up a time that I can talk. Another thing I do is use e-mail. Have her send you a message and tell her that sometimes you can respond easier by e-mail when you can squeeze in the time.

[Rosy]

I'd probably have the kids screen your calls for you. That way if she does call you can call her back at a time that's convenient for you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Is she lonely? That's the way it sounds on this end. I'm glad you're so kind to her. It sounds like she doesn't have others to rely on.

 

Yes she's lonely.

 

Since generally the only time you answer when it's inconvenient is when you're expecting another call can you just mention upfront you're expecting the doctor (or whomever) to call back and so need to keep the line clear?

 

I'll have to try this

 

Can't the kids say you're not available and they will leave a message?

 

This is part of my problem. The kids don't cover the receiver and will say, "Mom, Neighbor wants to talk to you AGAIN. Do you want to talk to her?" And then because she heard that, I of course will say "yes". I guess I need to give phone/ tact lessons!

 

I can't guarantee that it won't offend her, but I am just direct. When I answer the phone I'd say, "Hi (friend's name), I'm just in the middle of X or I'm just about ready to give a spelling test. What can I do for you?". Then I answer what she wants and quickly say I have to get back to XYZ. Talk to you later, bye! If it sounds like she needs to talk longer than I have, I set up a time that I can talk. Another thing I do is use e-mail. Have her send you a message and tell her that sometimes you can respond easier by e-mail when you can squeeze in the time.

 

It would offend her. Sigh. And you would think that e-mail would be easier but here she is in Canada on vacation and I need to pick her up at the airport tomorrow and she insisted on calling me to give me the details rather than to just shoot me an e-mail (and yes she had a laptop and wifi access).

 

I'd probably have the kids screen your calls for you. That way if she does call you can call her back at a time that's convenient for you.

 

See above on my problems with my kids' phone etiquette. I really do need to address that, don't I? Dd9 is the real problem more than ds13 and she loves to answer the phone!

[Rosy]

See above on my problems with my kids' phone etiquette. I really do need to address that, don't I? Dd9 is the real problem more than ds13 and she loves to answer the phone!

 

Yeah, I probably would just sit her down and say, "If Mrs. So-and-so calls, it is *very important* that you tell her I'm busy and that I'll call her back tomorrow." Maybe even role play with her. It sounds extreme but if it saves you hours in the long run it would probably be with it. This is a good reminder for me, actually--my kids' phone etiquette is quite lacking. DD10 (yes, 10) told our sitter the other night, "my mom can't talk right now, she's brushing her hair." :glare:

[Cindyz]

If I were counting on you to pick me up from the airport, I'd probably want to give you a call and talk voice to voice about the instructions as well to make sure they are clear.

 

My guy is only 6 but he doesn't answer the phone so I just don't answer it when I am busy.

 

What age do kids usually start answering the phone? ...just wondering how much time I have left! :D :D

[Jean in Newcastle]

If I were counting on you to pick me up from the airport, I'd probably want to give you a call and talk voice to voice about the instructions as well to make sure they are clear.

 

 

 

She called and started to read me every single thing written on the ticket. . . everything but the carrier name and the flight number! I was almost begging her at the end to just tell me the airline and number so that I could just look it up online!:001_huh:

[joannqn]

Invest in a phone with caller ID, voice caller ID if you can. It's so handy when it comes to ignoring certain calls.

[michelle l]

Invest in a phone with caller ID, voice caller ID if you can. It's so handy when it comes to ignoring certain calls.

 

Yes, caller ID is the most wonderful invention ever!! I don't answer my phone during school unless it's my husband or my son calling (he goes to public high school)

[Chris in VA]

First, pray for patience. ;)

 

When I call someone just to chat, but I'm not really that secure in the relationship (because it IS a different level of familiarity when you can do that), I will maybe ask about something specific, or, well, not really make up something, but it may be something I don't REALLY need, I just want the conversation. I'm learning NOT to do that, because it's a bit disengenious. Anyway, she may be doing the same thing.

 

OTOH, when I DO have a solid relationship and can call to chat, I always ask if the person can talk for a moment. Thank goodness, my friends are excellent at saying, I have about 10 minutes! or, no, I can't, but I will (at a certain time or a certain day). It's really helpful for me to have friends with appropriate boundaries, and it's important for me to accept them.

 

So, maybe if you can say something like, "Oh Hi, I'm glad you called! I only have about 5 minutes, but what's up?" THen make sure you don't ask more questions that let her go on and on. Rephrase her request or problem, tell her you'll think about it some more (give a quick opinion, if you can). If she is taking too long, just politely interrupt her! "I wish I had more than a minute to talk about this with you! Can I call you later (tomorrow, etc)?"

[lionfamily1999]

I know people like that :p

 

I started just planning on speaking to them on a regular basis, so they can get their chatter out. Then, when there is something they need (or they're calling at a bad time) I can gracefully get them to the point and they already know there will be time to chew on my ears later.

[NanceXToo]

I think that might be my mother!

 

Drives me crazy, too!

 

:D

[Peela]

When someone gets offended I don't necessarily feel guilty for having offended them, or think its a bad thing, even though I don't mean to offend. I am direct (sometimes more than others). I have a friend who is needy and has a knack for phoning me right when I am busy- I just tell her its not a good time, she asks if she can just have a sec, and she actually usually cuts to the chase straight away nowadays. Another friend of mine phones me only ocasionally, such as today, and when she does, even though she checks if its a good time...it almost always is and like today, we sometimes talk for an hour or 2.

I would worry a little less about offending someone who is walking around asking to be offended because of their insensitivity. She is an adult...she doesnt need to be protected from her own feelings. You are obviously caring and giving her your time. Why not respect your own time?

[Laurie4b]

Invest in a phone with caller ID, voice caller ID if you can. It's so handy when it comes to ignoring certain calls.

 

:iagree: Most answering machines have it now and so do most phones. That is the simplest way out of this dilemma.

 

You could also suggest that she email you when she has a request.

 

As for her not cutting to the chase, I'm guessing she's really not able. Some people have to communicate in narrative all the time (they start at what they see as the beginning of the story, and tell you each thing along the way in the story--this is just how their mind works. Others cannot separate out important from unimportant details and so you get all of them. For this part, I would recommend loving patience.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Invest in a phone with caller ID, voice caller ID if you can. It's so handy when it comes to ignoring certain calls.

 

People keep telling me that but I don't want to pay for more than the basic phone service.