Please read my intro before you vote on my and hubby's debate.....

[mycalling]

I picked 5-6hrs. I think it's reasonable to fit in one trip there per week and they come out to you one trip...preferable during an extracurricular or field trip they could enjoy with you all.

[SnowWhite]

Exactly, 5-6 hours, which could be them arriving at 2 and staying till 5, then you arriving at 3 and staying till 5 two separate days. Plenty of time to do school before 2 in the afternoon and plenty of time to fix supper after 5 or 6 pm. If your mom is like mine, her being at your house does not stop your housework- it might even inspire it!

[Susan in KY]

how old are your kids? Can you plan a Friday afternoon field trip every week that your parents can join in with? Other than that, can they get done with schooling by noon and then you have afternoons free?

 

We have a four-day work week and LOVE it. Fridays are reserved for co-op and/or special outings. If I were you, I would be tempted to make Friday Grandparents' Day. Anything they can do with them from teaching them how to change oil on a car to baking cookies or talking about history, I would count it all as enrichment and let everyone look forward to the special treat each week. How precious that you have them so close!

 

Of course, that would never preclude an afternoon or evening during the week after school is out....

 

When I lived near my parents I saw them almost every day. And I took the kids to the ILs once a week. DH did work a lot of hours then (like 8a-8p every day). My parents were great-they would take one kid while I worked with another, or watch two while I took one to an activity. They did fun projects and took them places. Since DH worked so much, it was great being able to do things that I would not be able to do on my own (like my dad would take my oldest to the art museum..since we moved we have not been to one). Also, if they stopped by, I would almost always have something for them to do. My dad read aloud a lot and my mom helped my oldest with math. Or I would tell the kids they had a little recess and I would fold clothes and chat with my mom, while she made sure the baby didn't eat paper. My children definately got a better education back then and I do miss it.

 

This sounds so lovely. I wish the "grands" in our family could be this close to my dc!

[Supertechmom]

It would all depend on what type of grandparent they are. IF they are the come and sit and talk and expect everyone to sit there and listen to chit chat, then our once or twice a year 2-3 hour visit would be MORE than enough.

 

IF you have young kids and let's do something grandparents - play puzzles, games, do things- a couple of visits a week would work out great. Even better make them field trips and have them join in.

 

If the kids are older where school must be done and does take much longer and is more involved, then they would have to adjust to a time to show up. Like afternoons. And I would make sure everyone gets everything done before they come so they could build projects or do activities. We went with one grandparent and set off rockets and the science museum.

 

ANd I would go as far as to say it also depends on how things are after they leave. DO they set you back on housework, supper, baths, bed time, that sort of stuff? Are they coming over and having a blast and then leaving for hubby to come home to tired kids out of sorts, off schedule and the house in chaos and a wife playing catch up? That would drive mine crazy. And it's not fair to him to come home and have to deal with the aftermath. Or they could be the type that came over, helped you get caught up, ahead of the game and hubby comes home to wonderful children and refreshed wife :D The aftermath of the visit would play a role in how many visits per week.

[PygmyShrew]

Many of you asked me some questions you'd like answered before you vote, but this post seems to represent many of the issues/questions posed.

 

The Short Answer:

This poster, Servin', who just posted before this post of mine, hit the proverbial NAIL on the head in her last paragraph here and summarizes my husband's reluctance in part.

My kids are ages 6 and 2.

(And, for those of you who will stop at "the short answer" you can skip down to the top hat man to see "MY PLAN" / my own vote on how much time to spend/week. Thanks!

 

 

The Long Answer (with more of the :glare:details):

 

Let me PREFACE this book by saying that my reference to us being the Cleaver family was referring to growing up happy and not arguing and enjoying one another's company and to getting along well TODAY. We do get along beautifully and I would say have a fairly healthy relationship. However, we do still have the faintest REMNANTS of a sin nature (HAHAHAHAHAHAH.....do you hear the sarcasm?). You will note from some of this below that there are things that I am NOT happy about and that are not Ward and June AT ALL.

 

Here's been some of the "issues":

My 60 year old dad is a workaholic (a trait which is NOT going to EVER change) and he is not retired. He works at a "day" job and at his home (he also operates a fairly large cattle farm -- about 80 cows "in his spare time".

 

What happens is that my dad works at "his day job" which is usually three 12 hour shifts (indoor/stand-still job) and then works on his "off days" with his cattle so he rarely gives us "his first fruits" regarding his time. He values seeing us and the kids, but what happens is that he works us in in the afternoons and, by the time he gives hugs and plays for about 1/2 hour, he generally grabs a pillow and conks out in my floor so it's not a good visit at all. My mom, because of her obesity, isn't ABLE to get in the floor and "play" with the kids, so she typically just is around them and is certainly of no USE to me (I can count of 5 fingers the times she's watched them for me to run an errand/get something done).

 

My dad is USELESS to leave them with as he has no sense of danger and attributes WAY to much maturity to children as he has no concept of developmental progression (a la, "She's two years old, she knows not to get in the street!" as I see my daughter 50 yards from my dad and about 15 feet from the busy road, etc. and I drop my dad and son off at Walmart and when I call him to tell him I'm outside waiting to pick them up at the door, out comes my then 3 year old son BY HIMSELF and runs into the parking lot in front of (thankfully MY) my car as dad comes out 20 seconds later, etc.

 

OF the two parents, my dad is actually physically ABLE and WILLING to play with the kids on their levels and they perceive him as a playful, fun grandpa WHEN WHEN WHEN he's not exhausted after a 60+ hour work week at age 60! When dad is rested, his focus is completely on the grandbabes. My mom, in a strange way, isn't as interactive with them. If they are near her, she'll talk and say appropriate fun things, but her interaction with them is quite LAZY. So long as they approach HER, etc. then she'll interact with them (but then again, WHEN she comes with dad in late afternoon, she too is tired from keeping up with him).

 

All in all, visits with them in the AM would be VASTLY different. Thus, I'm trying to "book" a morning visit. If something is on my dad's schedule, he'll keep it, but if not, he doesn't know how to do anything but b-line for any and all work he can drum up THAT minute. and, my mom, being one a 1950s stand-by-your-man type of woman adjusts her schedule around dad's. Much of this is because she knows my dad overdoes it and she generally doesn't want him to try to saw down those dead limbs from that tree 35 feet up by himself.

 

Many of you ask about why my husband cares. Well, he knows that so far when they come, that NOTHING gets done as they offer me no relief as they can't/don't offer childcare. So, WHILE they are there, nothing gets done. I serve them. I prepare a meal, get my dad a pillow and blanket, etc. So, when they leave around 5 or 6, then our evening is completely thrown off and yet he knows (as I'm grouching about it with just he and I) that they came over a SLEPT AGAIN. Dad usually sleeps; moms just rests in the recliner and talks my ear off. So I'm doing childcare and keeping them from jumping on my dad while he's asleep. It's the SAME every visit....they come over around 3 pm and interact WELL with them for about 30 minutes, then dad gets in the floor (where he prefers to sleep) and I'll say, "Dad if you want to rest why don't you go to our room so the kids will stay off of you?" (now keep in mind, this man has been up since 4 am going full blast, so --- by 3 pm ---- he's yawning and has exhausted puff eyes, etc.). He replies, "I'm just going to lay here a minute; I'm not going to sleep." And, of course 10 minutes later, he's out. So, then I'm keeping my daughter from getting on him, etc. Again....no rest for me.

 

They are passionate about seeing the two sets of grandbabes once/week but they don't do it at a time good for the kids. Quite disappointing.

 

My mom's obese and a food-worshipper, and she won't cook as she likes fattening/greasy/death-hastening meals. Because she won't cook, Dad has to join her in "her feeds" as I call them (can you hear the resentment of this idolatry??????????). So, this is why we get called to join them at the restaurants --- it's a 2-for-1 special, they have no play energy for the kids, so they HAVE to eat, so they invite us so they can lay eyes on the kids and say funny pleasantries and, thereafter, they've killed that "visit bird" with the "need to eat" stone. They're too tired (having been up since 4 am), to visit after lunch and they know it so they'd rather us join them while they have a shread of stamina as, post-meal, they're blood sugars combined with working deals a sleep-inducing BLOW!

(and, in mom's defense, if you're around my dad, you're working, so she's especially tired on dad's "off" days too; her extra 80 lbs just make in harder for her to endure).

 

I have always despised this because children don't like being cooped up in high chairs and could care less about food. So, I've GREATLY lessened the restaurant meetings because , on several levels, I resent accomodating this so-called weekly visit.

 

Because I live 45 minutes, THIS would be the extent of my kids' visit with them: high chair x 60 minutes. Whereas my brother and his family (he has two kids ages 3 ---- twin girls), because he and his wife live 3 hours away and my parents still want to see the kids WEEKLY, make the trip to THEIR home in the morning (WHEN MY PARENTS ARE FRESH/RESTED and spend 3 or 4 QUALITY hours with their kids)! Because I want the same, I have quit accomodating the restaurants.

 

Another issue is that WHEN we go to their home, my dad being the cowboy-bull-of-the-woods type that he is, is eager for my kids to get on the tractor to hike through the snake-ridden forrests to "hand me that ax, son".....so, going to their home, is NO vacation for me. I walk a fine line of making sure my kids are ALIVE and WELL and watching not to offend my dad's fragile ego as he thinks we're wrong about this not being one of his strengths (child protection). And, sometimes I just have to outright say, "Dad, he's too young to watch you use that skillsaw that close up" (my dad will have NO idea if my son's hand is an inch from the blade, etc. and be thinking something like, "Honey, he KNOWS not to touch a Skillsaw BLADE!") "Well, Dad, it's just not worth the risk".

 

Now, I LOVE my folks and in MANY (MOST) respects have a great deal of admiration for them and I DO want my kids to know them, so I'm highly motivated to plan fresh-rested-grandparent visits. I won't say that there hasn't been SOME times of resentment to my mom with the lack of help.

 

 

:hat:

I see MOST of you concur with my vote of 3 or 4 hours/week.

here's my thoughts:

The first and third Friday mornings: we make the drive to their home, leaving here FIRST THING (like 7:00 am) and spending 8 - 10:00 at their home then joining them for "the feed" / early lunch around 10:30 in their hometown eatery (or pack a picnic ---- mom can grab her greasy death Sonic and be happy) and leave their town around 11:30 and get home around noon. On the second and fourth Fridays, invite them for breakfast and to join us on a homeschool outing/zoo/or we can stay home and play as they'll be rested enough to play.

 

THANKS SOOOO MUCH ALL OF YOU! (Excuse all the typos...I'm too poop'd to proof-read).

Edited October 29, 2010 by PygmyShrew

[Aggie]

Well! This info changes everything! LOL

 

Do what you need to do. Keep your sanity and keep your dc safe.:grouphug:

[Sun]

Yep, that more-detailed explanation does change everything. Your plan sounds great. Do what you need to do to make it work for you.

[RoughCollie]

Well! This info changes everything! LOL

 

Do what you need to do. Keep your sanity and keep your dc safe.:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Hedgehog]

Well! This info changes everything! LOL

 

Do what you need to do. Keep your sanity and keep your dc safe.:grouphug:

 

:iagree: Definitely. Minimal stress and peace is invaluable.

[JudoMom]

 

:hat:

I see MOST of you concur with my vote of 3 or 4 hours/week.

here's my thoughts:

The first and third Friday mornings: we make the drive to their home, leaving here FIRST THING (like 7:00 am) and spending 8 - 10:00 at their home then joining them for "the feed" / early lunch around 10:30 in their hometown eatery (or pack a picnic ---- mom can grab her greasy death Sonic and be happy) and leave their town around 11:30 and get home around noon. On the second and fourth Fridays, invite them for breakfast and to join us on a homeschool outing/zoo/or we can stay home and play as they'll be rested enough to play.

 

THANKS SOOOO MUCH ALL OF YOU! (Excuse all the typos...I'm too poop'd to proof-read).

 

This sounds like a great plan. :grouphug:; my Mom is killing herself with food as well...it's hard to watch.

[Paisley Hedgehog]

..

[ConnieB]

Ok, I voted for the umbilical cord....:lol:

 

But.....seriously, my reasoning is that if you and your children get along with the grandparents then I'm all for spending as much as as possible with them. Of course, school work takes priority, but then I'd go for whatever time you have available to fill it with the grands. Now if I misunderstood and you or the kids feel like their visits are an obligation instead of a joy, then I change my vote to "as little as required to fulfill the obligation".

 

One of the major benefits to my family's homeschooling (which when I started I had no clue we even needed, lol) is the relationships we have with friends and family. When I first started homeschooling I thought it was all about the academics.....that's one of the reasons I chose Classical because I wanted the best academics that I could offer and was willing to dedicate whatever time that required (which almost derailed us that first year!). Slowly I came to realize that my children's love of learning and their relationships with those around them was at least as important as what they were learning or how.

 

When your parents come visit (or you go visit them) do you all just sit around and talk, or do they take an active role in their grandkids lives? If they are willing/able to interact in an educational way with the kids, then I'd encourage you to do so. Mom teaching every subject is fine....but others who love and support the kids doing some of the teaching or even just those "the kids don't realize they're learning" moments are very important as well. If the concern your husband has is that all this time with the grands means time away from learning......bring the best of both worlds together. Set up a block of time each week on your schedule for the grands to come over and do science, or math or whatever they feel comfortable. If crafts are more grandmas thing, let her teach them knitting, quilting, crocheting, whatever she does. No, it's not necessarily on your list of "must learn before graduation", but consider it an extra curriculuar. Or maybe your parents would prefer not to do the academics....then let them take the kids to the zoo, museum, science center, or whereever else your town offers. Field trips can be an awesome way to incorporate family/friends who think they can't teach the kids....it's amazing to watch the "I don't teach" aunt as she explains things at the zoo or museum....ummm, hate to tell ya sis, but that's teaching.

 

If your husband discomfort is because he doesn't want to be around his inlaws, then try your best to accomodate that by timing the schedule so that they are long gone before he gets home. His sad relationship with his family has likely made it difficult or uncomfortable for him to forge a relationship with his inlaws, and the kids' time with them is not the time to force him to work through it. In fact, there's a good chance that the kids telling Dad all about the great things they did with the grands each week will work to thaw his feelings for them. Nothing like seeing your kid beaming to make you love the persona responsible!

[catz]

how old are your kids? Can you plan a Friday afternoon field trip every week that your parents can join in with? Other than that, can they get done with schooling by noon and then you have afternoons free?

 

:iagree:

[gingersmom]

My mother lives 45 minutes away and has not been to my house in years.

 

We visit her about every other month for as little time as possible. :001_smile:

 

I voted for 1-2 hours.

[Tarreymere]

I have not one but THREE signs on my house that state that I do not want visitors during 8 am to 4 pm, for any reason. I don't have my parents dropping by, but my adult kids and step kids! They bring my grandchildren and hang out, raid my frig, get on my computer, or try to get me to babysit. It is very disruptive! I wouldn't mind if they really needed me but honestly I do not feel that I should get suckered into watching kids while their mom wanders around walmart or gets her nails done! All the extra kids running around make it really hard to do school and their moms just figure that I am superuber mom and can handle it, but I can't. I would much prefer it if they called in advance and we actually planned something, but they can't seem to manage to do that! Now I am locking the door!