Unhappy High Schooler

[cindergretta]

I don't know if this is the proper place for this thread.

 

My ds is 16 and in 10th grade. From the time he was in 2nd grade, he was "best friends" with B (private school) and J (public school.) We all attend church together and the boys did everything together.

 

Last year (9th grade) B "graduated" from his private school and started attending the high school where J goes. For whatever reason, my ds got "dropped." :( Now those two are very busy and involved in all kinds of things, but they never include my ds in anything anymore.

 

Ds is hurting and feels like if he could go to that high school, he would have his friends again. (I don't want him in that school. There is a lot of drug and alcohol use and it is in the next town over and would require me to get him there and back.) Ds is a quiet personality and very artsy and musical. He isn't outgoing or talkative and he is definitely not athletic. (He swims and lifts weights but isn't much for team sports like football or baseball. He also has some issues with his feet that make many sports very painful. That is why swimming works so well for him and the weights are b/c he is a typical teen/male - he wants to be "ripped." Heehee.)

 

Anyway, he is so lonely. He goes to the home football games every other Friday but is usually by himself. He is on FB, but no one really comments on anything he writes or seems to notice he exists. It is like he is on their friends list to keep their number as high as possible. But otherwise, they couldn't care less. He has a cell phone he can use for texting but no one ever texts him back so he quit using it.

 

My heart is so broken for my son. I have cried a lot over this but I have no idea what to do for him. I want him to get to the "Running Start" portion of his education so he can meet more people and have a shot at making some friends and having a life. But until then, he is lonely. And sad. And it is killing me. :(

[Alyce]

This is an awkward age for any teen. His friends probably no longer have anything in common with him. You need to find him some way to get involved. Have you looked for teen groups with in a homeschool group? Do you go to church? Is there some activity he might like that might be out there? My son went through several activities (rock climbing, bowling, skating etc) before he found one he has become passionate about. He too was like your son. He was lonely and longed for friends. We pushed him into trying new things. Like I said after several failed attempts he found his passion: Karate. It has given him a huge burst of self confidence and some new friends. Karate may not be your son's answer but instead of feeling sad for him you need to step in and help him reach out in other ways. Find new places to meet new friends. If you don't help him he won't do it. Sometimes we have to push our kids a little bit to help them grow in bigger and better ways even when they are teens.

[cindergretta]

We do attend a church and he is involved in activities at the Y (within the limits of his physical issues.) He is passionate about making movies and playing the guitar. He is in a band but all the boys go to school together and he just isn't really included in what they do outside of band practice.

 

He has 2 friends who are homeschooled and every once in a great while he sees them or does something with them. But they aren't very social.

 

I don't just feel sad for him while not trying to help. :confused: I posted here looking for ideas if someone else's teen had had such an experience. We were involved in a homeschool PE program and a homeschool bowling program. There weren't any teens his age (the oldest seemed to be around 13, maybe a 14 y/o or two, but they were girls.) In any case, he hated both of those programs.

[LunaLee]

:grouphug: No advice, but hugs because I know this is as hard for you as it is for him.

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 19, 2023 by J-rap

[cindergretta]

:grouphug: No advice, but hugs because I know this is as hard for you as it is for him.

 

Thank you!! :)

 

JJhat7 - thank you. We do a LOT as a family but we don't "force" him to join in. He does a little but mostly he will end up retreating to his room. (Except Cub Scouts - he enjoys taking his little brother to his Cub Scout stuff.)

 

I try (probably not as successfully as I should!) not to let him see how much it hurts me. I want him to know I care but I absolutely need to be cautious about making him feel worse, kwim?

 

I figure as long as my dc talk to me about their hopes and fears and joys and sorrows, they want me involved! LOL (I might be wrong, but that is the assumption I am working off!! :tongue_smilie: )

 

He put a song he wrote (and played) on YouTube and someone asked him about the ______ (I can't remember what he called it <blush>) and he felt pretty chuffed about that!

 

I really want him to know and understand that is all passes. This is NOT the most signifigant part of his life nor is this the defining time in his life. The best is yet to come!!! (I think he thinks I am too old to understand. :( )

 

Somehow I have to get this quiet and introverted kid to talk to people. He really doesn't talk!!! (Did I mention that he really is a COOL kid??)

[Sunshine State Sue]

I can relate. My son's passion is basketball and he meets a number of kids there. This month, he has been laid up with an injury and has seen no one. I never knew the amount of video games that could be played. :tongue_smilie:

 

What about a part-time job? If he swims, then being a lifeguard would be a natural idea. I know at our YMCA, there is a parade of new, young lifeguards on a regular basis. Not all of them come from the same school, so he wouldn't be so odd man out.

 

My son takes guitar lessons at a place where the owner has student teachers. What about teaching guitar? With all those younger siblings, I assume he's good with kids. There may be other musicians to meet.

 

:grouphug:

[choirfarm]

Thank you!! :)

 

Somehow I have to get this quiet and introverted kid to talk to people. He really doesn't talk!!! (Did I mention that he really is a COOL kid??)

 

Yep, I'm right there with you with my 15yo 10th grader. He has always been an observer. He likes being around people as long as he doesn't have to talk. When we went to Ethiopia there was a youth minister and a bunch of teenagers and they gently teased him about not talking. He loved being around them, but he just wouldn't say anything until the end of the two weeks!

 

Now he does talk to the kids his age and the junior high ones, but he's known them since he was 4. But even with them he is really quiet. I think part of it is he can't relate. I mean he comes to talk to me about political cartoons he saw in the paper or has me read and editorial or talks to me about things he saw in the news. Sports is an obbsessiona and he can tell you stats and details of basketball and football games from years ago. But he doesn't do Facebook and doesn't have a cell phone and everyone else goes to ps. So he doesn't have a whole lot in common with them.

 

Christine

[lisabees]

Oh my. My heart is breaking for you and your son.

 

Is he allowed to join the high school swimming team or participate in any of the music and art opportunities at the local school? What about a local private school? Can you enroll him in a class or two there? Or join in on activities there?

 

I would be worried, too, if I were you. :grouphug:

 

Can you PM me a link to the youtube video? My son is a guitar player and would probably love to see it.

 

The ladies here have great suggestions. I hope something works for him!

[Brenda in MA]

that would allow him to join the marching band? We have some friends whose son is very musically inclined. He takes his courses at home, but the local public school allows him to be in the marching band. He really enjoys the social aspect, and he can enjoy his music at the same time.

 

Another benefit is that most colleges have bands of some sort, so if he moves on to college, belonging to the band can be a good way for a shy kid to find a group of friends and something productive to keep him busy in his spare time.

 

Best wishes,

Brenda

[Catherine]

He made a strong connection to many kids there and from that time forward, those people were his closest friends, he was in daily phone or IM touch with them, they mailed books to each other, he visited them in other cities, it was just a totally life-altering experience for him. He too is quiet, was dumped by friends, though that was when he was much younger and his best friend changed schools (ds was still in school then). So he knew the pain of being left behind. My advice would be to look for something that meshes with your son's interests-music, art, whatever it is. Then find a gathering that lasts for more than one day, giving him maximum opportunity to be in contact with the people. I had to allow more screen time than I was strictly comfortable with, because email and Iming was how he kept in touch, given that his friends all lived in other places.

[lauranc]

Ideas:

Volunteer job-- (or paying job)-- gets him out of the house a bit, possibly meeting others.

 

Writer's group. Check out your local bookstores or libraries to see if there are any teen writer's groups. My son joined one last year (at a local bookstore) and loves it! He frequently brings in song lyrics he's written---- so it's not just stories (although he writes those too)

 

Book club. Again, look at your libraries/bookstores.

 

He doesn't have to just have one band that he plays in. If he's a decent musician, and feels confident enough, have him send out a feeler to your homeschool group (if you have one) or church group to see if he might start something else. Even if it's just one other person he's collaborating with.

 

He's artistic--- maybe he'd like to work on the design team for a local theatre production. See if you have a local youth theatre that offers teens the chance to work on the sets or costumes.

 

Along the same lines of theatre, if there are any church drama performances/ he could lend a hand with the tech. side of things.

 

Just ideas off the top of my head. I've got a 10th grade son as well who struggled to find like-minded friends. He still struggles a bit. He's found ways to get involved and it's helped to expand his social circle tremendously.

 

Hang in there!

[Susan C.]

Both of my dc are quiet like that. They go in and out of being in "the group." Mostly, they are forgotten, it is sad, but both have accepted it as fact.... Since they are more quiet and want good grades, they don't go to all of the "activities." Ds loves college (graduated) and says all of the high school games are done in college and likes that, and he has more friends than before, but still a small number. That is classic introvert, they like a few close friends. Introverts probably take it harder when one (or more) of their already small group goes in another direction. When ds was in high school, he took up many hobbies, plants, and then guitar. He sold the plants to get his guitars! And he loved guitar lessons, and jamming with others taking lessons. I tell them life is like that, you go through lonely periods, and I encourage them being ok being on their own. You don't need a friend to go bike riding, to learn a musical instrument, to have a garden, etc. We also do things together as a family.

 

BTW both would be mad if I arranged them meeting someone their age...

[cindergretta]

Thank you all SO much!! I really needed all this feedback! :grouphug:

 

Lots of excellent ideas and great points!!!

[Sunshine State Sue]

I tell them life is like that, you go through lonely periods, and I encourage them being ok being on their own.

Excellent point!

[1Togo]

Yes, we have had teens go through the experience of losing friends or being treated badly by teens who used to be friends. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to fix the problem with that friend or set of friends. It may be small comfort as your child hurts and you hurt for him, but there are often blessings you can not anticipate at the beginning of this type of experience; i.e. closer relationships with parents and siblings, greater maturity, confidence in values and convictions, compassion for others, clear sense of right and wrong, better understanding of friendship, etc. We've dealt with this through lots of discussion, prayer, love, and finding other avenues for positive relationships.

Edited October 26, 2010 by 1Togo

[ColoradoMom]

Does he have a car? Perhaps if he was working towards his DL or getting a car he'd feel like his "grown up life" was getting closer. I agree with the volunteer or paid job - especially paying job. That way he could save for a car. Then if he wanted to join his other friends he could. EDIT to say:

 

Also, X-Box live seems to be a very popular way for teen boys to socialize these days. My son has SO much fun with his friends on there it makes me laugh from the living room! He's quite loud!

Edited October 25, 2010 by ColoradoMom

[Julie in MN]

I don't know how busy you are, but I've seen some success when the parent of an isolated kid starts a group.

 

My dd didn't know many kids when she was small (public schooled through 9th grade), so I became a Girl Scout leader for 10 years or so.

 

Another mom I know started a book club for boys that my son has gone to for a few years. They have phy ed afterwards, as a sort-of "bribe" for some of the boys.

 

And a third mom had a very isolated son so she started a Friday game night for middle school age, and when they got to high school age it was just a Friday get-together. The parents planned events at first, and always chaperoned, but eventually that group of kids ran the show, with events that ranged from outside sports to field trips to parties where they all dressed up like book characters or something. They were very tight chums (guys and gals) til graduation.

 

Oh, and then there's this mom I just met this year who actually runs a co-op in her house! Wow! My son goes to a math team there. They also have a phy ed time each week, so that may be a good draw for boys?

 

Is it possible for you to start something?

 

Another thing I noticed is that your son enjoys the Cub scouts. Can the scoutmaster use an assistant?

Julie

[4wildberrys]

First of all----:grouphug: Wow---glad I came across this thread because this IS our existence right now too! But my heart has been breaking for my son for a couple of years now over this very same issue :001_huh: The way we are going to solve this issue of our children being total outcasts in a Public School/Organized Sports obsessed town also filled with extremely judgemental homeschooling Christians who treat any of the non-Conforming homeschoolers as spawns of the Devil---is to move! Really! My husband's business is very, very successful here, but the absolute heartbreak we have been living with for the past couple of years as we have watched out kids be outcasted and treated in a very vile, extremely hurtful ways has sealed the deal. Teenagers can be awful to each other---especially when they grow apart. It is magnified incredibly in a small town, especially since the homeschooling community here is so small and 'tight knit' if you fit in. Which we don't. So we are sitting and waiting for our house to sell.

 

Does your son have Xbox? Xbox live and Skype are THE main way our son 'socializes' right now. He gets to hang out with his sister a lot too----so he does socialize with live people too---but Xbox helps him feel connected. We have no other choices right now as every single avenue (yes, including church and/or youth group) is not an option whatsoever.

[tampamommy]

Have you considered volunteer work for your son? That can be a wonderful outlet and encourage an "others-oriented" focus. It would help him meet people of all ages and perhaps some friends his own age with similar values.

 

In most communities, big or small, there are lots of volunteer opportunities, especially for a mid-teen. Helping at the library, community center, a local hospital, Habitat for Humanity, nursing homes, food shelters, churches/synagogues, etc.

 

Encouraging him to "stretch" and apply his talents in a different way while also giving of himself to help others may be very enlightening and build his confidence in a whole new way.

[Susan C.]

I'm not going to tell you not to move, it may indeed get better. But your story is not unusual... are you in a small town? I am from a large city, but in a small town now. I think there are more varied temperaments in a larger city and it is easier to find people with same interests.

[elegantlion]

Does your son have Xbox? Xbox live and Skype are THE main way our son 'socializes' right now. He gets to hang out with his sister a lot too----so he does socialize with live people too---but Xbox helps him feel connected. We have no other choices right now as every single avenue (yes, including church and/or youth group) is not an option whatsoever.

 

My son is younger but we had similar issues where we used to live. We started to allow Xbox live and he has an online account. We're a pretty techie type family so we feel comfortable with our decision. So ds has his online "live" friends as well. We just moved and talked today about finding outlets for friends. :grouphug:

[4wildberrys]

I'm not going to tell you not to move, it may indeed get better. But your story is not unusual... are you in a small town? I am from a large city, but in a small town now. I think there are more varied temperaments in a larger city and it is easier to find people with same interests.

 

Are you referring to my story? Because YES---we live in a VERY small town. Too small. And chock full of people and a lifestyle that we not only don't relate to----but have no interest in :001_huh: As in----we came from coastal CA for the work...raised our kids here and the reality of who we are and what we have an interest in has hit a wall! As in...we're not mountain, outdoor everything, winter type people :tongue_smilie: We are most definitely moving to a larger population base with more liberal leaning attitudes....artsy too!

[4wildberrys]

My son is younger but we had similar issues where we used to live. We started to allow Xbox live and he has an online account. We're a pretty techie type family so we feel comfortable with our decision. So ds has his online "live" friends as well. We just moved and talked today about finding outlets for friends. :grouphug:

 

Yep---we keep a pretty tight rein on things here, but love our Tech too! :D It's a lifesaver when you are living in a small, isolated mountain town in which you have no interest or ability to assimilate because 'fitting in' to the local population base takes preference to accepting people for their amazing variety. There's a certain 'religion' that molds the attitudes pretty heavily here and unless one has lived in a population like this...........you wouldn't believe it in a million years :tongue_smilie:

[cindergretta]

We do have an Xbox. I never thought about him using it to "communicate." LOL We are totally techie around here. We all have a PC or a laptop - all of us! We have a Nintendo, an Xbox, a Wii, etc.

 

My dh makes his living in the techie world - programming and designing. So we are quite wired... :lol:

 

Ds does volunteer at the food bank. He wants to get a job. If transportation weren't such an issue, that might be a good idea. :auto:

 

Thank you!! :grouphug: