Anyone know of a good support site/forum for spouses of someone w/ADD/ADHD?

[6packofun]

I'm looking for support, both practical and emotional, I guess, for being married to someone with ADD. Just want to find something helpful online first before going to a counselor who charges money... LOL

 

Any advice you can give if you're dealing with the ways ADD/ADHD can mess with your marriage? It's been 17 years now, you'd think I could get a better grip. LOL Thanks!

[EthiopianFood]

It's been 17 years now, you'd think I could get a better grip. LOL Thanks!

 

11 years here. :glare:

 

:lurk5:

[Peela]

This is our 18th year I think. :)

 

Not sure what symptoms are disturbing you. The thing that drives me nutty is the inability to focus on one conversation or topic for very long- the jumping to another topic. It feels so...personal...and it is hard sometimes to remember its just his wiring and he is not pruposefully changing the subject from something deep and meaningful to what the dog did this morning :banghead:

My main learning and lesson with my dh is to learn to accept him as he is, and to keep telling him - before I get too cross- when his behaviour is unacceptable. He has changed a lot over the years.

[Rosie_0801]

My hubby hasn't been diagnosed, but I have my suspicions. Our main weapon against it is coffee.

 

Our biggest problem is communication. This is how long a conversation takes.

 

2 coffees/day- 2mins

1 coffee/day- 10mins + raised voices (my voice, that is.)

0 coffee/day- 25mins + shouting + tears

 

Dh didn't believe me when I said we got along better when he drank coffee, so he wrote up a chart comparing the amount of coffee with the amount of arguments, and weirdly enough, there was a strong correlation. 2 coffees = no arguments, 1 coffee= usually one argument, 0 coffees = a really lousy weekend.

 

So I've stopped complaining about stinky coffee smell in my house :) The first packet I see of stink free coffee will be coming home with me though!

 

Rosie

[Tap]

No help here either. Dh gets sucked into being a workaholic due to his ADD. He just can't let go of work. He can start and stop 1000 times. He can go to work at 4am and still be typing away on his laptop at 8pm. I have to lay down the law a couple times a year after a month or so of 80hr weeks.

 

It gets frustrating. I don't like it. But we make the best of it.

 

There has been a big change this year. Due to DS15 going to high school, he is getting medicated for his ADD now. When we homeschooled, it was easy to work around, and not a big problem. The demands of honors classes, sports and his own interests all came to a head this winter. He needed to be able to focus on someone else's schedule. We decided to have him evaluated/medicated. The first few days of meds, he said he didn't notice a difference. As we increased the strength there was a day that he came home with a smile on his face, saying it was like a light switch went on in his head. He was amazed at the 'noise' he used to fight so hard to block out. He was amazed at what it was like to maintain a stream of thought. Due to my dh seeing ds's success and reports of how much clearer things were, dh went to the doctor too. It has helped him SOOOOOOO much. Dh says he never realized how much time he wasted before with getting distracted and refocusing. LOL I can't imagine living inside their heads when they are having a bad day. I have a hard time just dealing with the fallout that I have to see, on the outside of their head, let alone in it.

[6packofun]

My hubby hasn't been diagnosed, but I have my suspicions. Our main weapon against it is coffee.

 

Oh, I wish I could get dh to drink it! LOL I've heard so many positive things and I don't think that caffeine in Mt. Dew is quite doing the trick. :P

[6packofun]

This is our 18th year I think. :)

 

Not sure what symptoms are disturbing you. The thing that drives me nutty is the inability to focus on one conversation or topic for very long- the jumping to another topic. It feels so...personal...and it is hard sometimes to remember its just his wiring and he is not pruposefully changing the subject from something deep and meaningful to what the dog did this morning :banghead:

My main learning and lesson with my dh is to learn to accept him as he is, and to keep telling him - before I get too cross- when his behaviour is unacceptable. He has changed a lot over the years.

 

Well, everyone has a different set of symptoms and I didn't list them. LOL I think the biggest area is intimacy because someone with ADD (or ADHD) can be at either end of the spectrum--I've heard of spouses dealing with someone who seems almost addicted to s*x and yet it never crosses the person's mind to do anything romantic or nons*xually intimate AND others, like myself, deal with a spouse who rarely thinks about romance or s*x at ALL and thus they are basically starved. It's just not one of the things that he chooses to try to focus on and the stereotype of a guy who "thinks about it all the time" obviously does not fit. Very difficult and lonely and I can only talk our way into intimacy so many times and be the only initiator before it feels forced and fake. That's a little more than I wanted to share and I don't want to bash or complain. But it's a serious issue.

 

I can make lists every single day but that doesn't prevent him from losing his keys or credit card--not particularly safe!--for the 289th time. LOL There have been employment issues, taking shortcuts in all areas of life that have bitten us in the butt and it gets old. It's not just a little bit of forgetfulness or needing some handy lists. He's on meds, but they only help a bit (and only if he listens to me and takes them) and I know he doesn't want to feel like a guinea pig trying new ones to get the BEST one. Straterra was a disaster to our already troubled intimacy issues.

 

Anyhow, sorry to go on so long, I just wonder if anyone else deals with this and would like to get support/lend support! :D

Edited August 11, 2010 by 6packofun
.,.,.

[Denisemomof4]

there's probably a Yahoo group. Have you done a search?

[Rosie_0801]

Oh, I wish I could get dh to drink it! LOL I've heard so many positive things and I don't think that caffeine in Mt. Dew is quite doing the trick. :P

 

If the Mt. Dew doesn't help, I don't think coffee would either :( But you could try him on raw chocolate. Even if it doesn't help, it is very tasty :D

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Denisemomof4]

I was just reading about l-theanine helping ADD yesterday in the reviews for it on either iherb.com or vitacost.com. l-theanine is completely safe and comes from green tea. I take it for anxiety sometimes.

[Plink]

If you find that group (or want to start one) let me know. I would love the support.

 

Have you read the book "Honey Are You Listening?" by Rick & Jerilyn Fowler? Across the cover is written "Help for the Frustrated Partner!" and it really does offer help - and a bit of encouragement that you aren't the only one.

[6packofun]

Yes! Own it. LOL We've found useful info in Driven to Distraction and Delivered From Distraction--the latter addresses the intimacy thing, I think, and it was the first time I'd read that...a huge weight was lifted, although not completely, to know that it's not ME or in my head. :)

[Evergreen State Sue]

Dealing with a spouse with ADD here for more than 20 years, although we didn't realize that was it until we researched a diagnosis for our kids. I should have suspected when he was asked at our engagement shower "What attracted you to her?" and he answered "Her organizational skills!" You can try to organize someone else only so much though. That's what's frustrating.

[Ottakee]

How about meds or supplements?

 

My husband take 2-3 of the County Life Omega 3 mood fish oils. They make a HUGE difference for him. In fact, if he misses more than 1 day of them the KIDS notice and ask him if he took them.

 

Meds can also be very helpful. It might take some trial and error to find the right one but they too can be life changing.

[EthiopianFood]

How about meds or supplements?

 

My husband take 2-3 of the County Life Omega 3 mood fish oils. They make a HUGE difference for him. In fact, if he misses more than 1 day of them the KIDS notice and ask him if he took them.

 

How long did it take before you saw a change?

[Ottakee]

How long did it take before you saw a change?

 

For him with the supplements I would say 3-4 days when he first started. This is faster than typical but the change was very dramatic and quick for him. I think for most people it is about a month or so as it is a supplement, not a medication.

 

With medication for my girls (they take the fish oils too but it isn't enough) the meds kick in within about 20-30 minutes and esp. for 13dd make a HUGE difference.

 

If you do the fish oils you want 1000mg of EPA per day, not just total fish oil. Also, the higher EPA to DHA ratio seems to be better for ADHD>

 

Carlson's have some good ones but we like County Life Omega 3 Mood (can often find it on line cheaper with free shipping). http://www.omegabrite.com is also a very good one but a bit pricier.

[EthiopianFood]

For him with the supplements I would say 3-4 days when he first started. This is faster than typical but the change was very dramatic and quick for him. I think for most people it is about a month or so as it is a supplement, not a medication.

 

With medication for my girls (they take the fish oils too but it isn't enough) the meds kick in within about 20-30 minutes and esp. for 13dd make a HUGE difference.

 

If you do the fish oils you want 1000mg of EPA per day, not just total fish oil. Also, the higher EPA to DHA ratio seems to be better for ADHD>

 

Carlson's have some good ones but we like County Life Omega 3 Mood (can often find it on line cheaper with free shipping). www.omegabrite.com is also a very good one but a bit pricier.

 

I just ordered some on Vitacost. I'm crossing my fingers!! We don't have health insurance, so medication would be difficult to come by. I am just so desperate. Sigh.