Do moms normally punch their 19yos?

[GWOB]

I just got off the phone with my 19yo sister. I am still just completely confused and sad for her. I've posted here before about my less-than-stellar mother. It is late and I need a hug.

 

Background: My mom is mentally ill. It could be Bipolar. It could be some sort of personality disorder. I'm not professional. All I know is that she is toxic. She was phisically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive growing uo. She is still all those things, except she cannot hit me when I am 1000 miles away. My dad is narcissistic and ineffective, also abusive in all the same ways as my mom. He now has Emphysema, which he likes to call COPD since he refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions. I have little contact with my parents.

 

So last night my mom went home in one of her "My life sucks and I will make everyone pay" moods. My dad had been out in the heat all day fixing my 19yo sis's car. He came in out of breath and exhausted. He happened to leave a pot on the stove. Mom walks in an proceded to berate him for being a lazy, worthless piece of poop.d 19yo sis, who admittedly has an attitude, steps in and wants to know what is going on. (We were raised to get involved in and solve our parents problems.) Mom then gets "ghetto" on 19yo, which escalates into a cussing, screaming match. Mom then tells 19yo sis "Whatcha gonna do BIG GIRL, hit me? Come on then, BIG GIRL!" (Mom is 240+lbs, sis is about 130.) Sis moves in, mom starts swinging. They start swinging at one another. Dad, the emphysema/COPD-ridden 62-year-old, gets in between them. Mom then gets around dad and hits Sis again. They fight again. About 5 minutes later, they make up. Everything is GREAT between them now. :confused:

 

This is not normal. This is not ok, right? Honestly, this seems really sick to me. 19yo sis just berated me for not being more accepting of my mother. Please tell me I am not insane for thinking this is completely inappropriate and downright disgusting behavior? I need a hug. And a stiff drink. And I wonder why I have such a hard time trusting people.

[shannatheshedevil]

No, this is not normal and your sister needs to do herself a service and get out. My mom got like this at one point and I decided to leave home quite suddenyl because of it. Best decision I ever made. It made her wake up and get help. We now have a much better relationship, but it's starting to go South again, though. I'm feeling the need to distance myself again.

[mompotter]

No, this is not normal!!! (((hugs)))

[GWOB]

Thanks ladies. I know this is not healthy and acceptable, but unfortunately my sister thinks this is perfectly fine. It scares me that I also have a 17yo sis at home as well. Luckily, 17yo sis is not Mom's favorite, like the just-punched-19yo is. 17yo sis will get out ASAP. 19yo sis will likely be manipulated for many years to come. Perhaps one day she will listen and accept my help.

[Hockey Mom]

Do we have the same mother? My mother is mentally ill as well. She was/is also abusive in every sense of the word. I cut off contact with her years ago. My sisters are all much younger than I am, and they both have regular contact with her. I finally cut off contact with one of my sisters because of drama like you described. I could no longer be sucked into their toxicity.

 

Since you are so far away, is it possible to keep your contact with them to a minimum (assuming you aren't willing to cut them completely off as I did)? It ISN'T normal or healthy for them to behave that way.

[GWOB]

Do we have the same mother? My mother is mentally ill as well. She was/is also abusive in every sense of the word. I cut off contact with her years ago. My sisters are all much younger than I am, and they both have regular contact with her. I finally cut off contact with one of my sisters because of drama like you described. I could no longer be sucked into their toxicity.

 

Since you are so far away, is it possible to keep your contact with them to a minimum (assuming you aren't willing to cut them completely off as I did)? It ISN'T normal or healthy for them to behave that way.

 

I love my sisters to death and wish nothing but the best for them. However, I fear I may lose the 19yo. Mom has done everything in her power to ruin the relationship between 19yo sis and I. Honestly, I raised this girl until I got out 3 days after high school graduation. But, mom has consistantly told 19yo sis that I hate her and am jealous of her. Constantly. 19yo sis believes it. That is how sick my mom is. You know the whole "Divide and conquer" mentality? My mom has that toward her own kids.

 

I have little to do with my parents. Once 17yo sis graduates and is off to a great college, I will likely be done with them. They have informed my that my kids are expendable and my husband is not liked. I get nothing but pain and heartache from them. Support is non-existant. They have turned extended family against me because they are soooo incredibly manipulative. I have three kids. I do not need to take care of these grown adults as well.

[joannqn]

Extremely dysfunctional and abusive behavior.

[Liz CA]

This must be so hard for you to watch / hear about.

It's definitely NOT normal. I would not ever punch a 19yo - especially not my body-building, buff 19yo son. :D - but should I ever lose my mind and do something like this, he would probably be too astonished to punch me back.

 

Your 19yo sister could file charges as she is an adult. Does this not make your mother pause, at least for just a second?

Can your sis move out asap and perhaps take 17yo with her? Do those girls have jobs, are they attending college? Oh, I just remembered the part where the sister is now okay with Mom's behavior. Not healthy. Avoiding reality, avoiding conflict.

I wonder what she thinks is appropriate behavior by her mother or anyone in a similar situation? Has anyone ever considered getting your mother professional help or at least a diagnosis?

 

I can feel a brainstorming session coming on, possibly even a list-making urge that would detail all their options.

Edited July 25, 2010 by Liz CA

[GWOB]

This must be so hard for you to watch / hear about.

It's definitely NOT normal. I would not ever punch a 19yo - especially not my body-building, buff 19yo son. :D - but should I ever lose my mind and do something like this, he would probably be too astonished to punch me back.

 

Your 19yo sister could file charges as she is an adult. Does this not make your mother pause, at least for just a second?

Can your sis move out asap and perhaps take 17yo with her? Do those girls have jobs, are they attending college?

 

I can feel a brainstorming session coming on, possibly even a list-making urge that would detail all their options.

 

 

I wish! I so wish! I have often dreamed throughout the years of taking my sisters in to live with me. 19yo sis will never leave. She is Mom's favorite. Sick, huh? Mom gets into ghetto fights with her favorite. This is my sad reality. 19yo sis is in college, working 2 -3 jobs to pay for college because my parents are aweful with money and cannot afford to help her pay for tuition. 19yo sis has a serious boyfirend who will likely propose soon. Unfortunately, boyfirend was "homeschooled" (the stereotypical just-stay-home-to-clean-house-and-fetch-my-bonbons type) and has no diploma or GED, though he does have a decent job working for an electrician. Honestly, the best thing for her would be to marry him and get the heck out of Dodge. 17yo sis is a State Champ track star with college prospects in the Ivy league (I'm kinda proud of her rising above the whole trashy ghetto thing). She needs to stay put to get her awesome scholarships. I will help her visit colleges (some courting her include Cornell, Columbia, and Brown, ahem) since my mother will likely ruin any chance to attend a non-local college. 17yo sis will leave ASAP. Unfortunately, 19yo sis will be a victim of mom's psychosis for a long time. I fret over this. I wish I could help. I keep in touch with both sisters, but as mentioned before. mom has ruined the relationship between 19yo sis and me. I feel so helpless. I want to send her my copy of "Toxic Parents", but I am afraid it will do no good. I just need you wonderful ladies to tell me this is not ok and give out your wonderful hugs.

[Liz CA]

It's encouraging that both of your sisters have prospects of leaving the home soon. I would hope the 19 yo can be somehow persuaded to go into counseling to perhaps discover what is normal parenting and what constitutes a "normal" relationship between parents and an adult daughter. This would probably not only be helpful for her future children but also to disconnect from the parental abuse without feeling guilty and to begin to grieve what she did not have - parents.

Hats off to the 17yo. By all means, take her to any college she is interested in and again, she too would likely benefit from a different perspective after having lived there for 17 years.

 

I really feel for girls who had to grow up like this. Share some of your "overcoming a bad childhood" secrets with them! Hang together to support each other in healthy ways, regardless if the 19yo wants to or not. She may come around after it all blows over anyway.

 

Just remember: In order to move forward, we also need to look forward. If we attempt to move forward while looking back we are liable to run into a wall.

[Night Elf]

This is not ok, right? Honestly, this seems really sick to me. 19yo sis just berated me for not being more accepting of my mother. Please tell me I am not insane for thinking this is completely inappropriate and downright disgusting behavior? I need a hug. And a stiff drink. And I wonder why I have such a hard time trusting people.

 

This is NOT okay, and you are doing great by being so far away in physical distance. Now you just need to let go emotionally as well. This is not your problem. Your sister is an adult now and has choices. If she views this behavior as fine, she'll continue choosing it as a lifestyle. Should any of it spill into your family's life, you can put up a wall and absolutely push them back beyond it. You have your boundaries. I rarely talk with my sister because I don't live the way she does and she thinks there is something wrong with me. But I live in a healthy home with a healthy emotional attitude (thanks to ongoing counseling) and she sees it as hiding. It's a hot mess but I no longer care. She has access to the same resources I have. She just makes different choices. I don't mean it to sound uncaring but I have tried to help her so many times and when she isn't berating me for my efforts, she's trying to manipulate the situation to benefit herself in a continued unhealthy way. I just stopped trying to help. I have my own family to nurture.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[abbeyej]

This is not normal. This is not ok, right? Honestly, this seems really sick to me.

 

No, it's not. It's not "normal" (except, perhaps, in the clearly dysfunctional world of your family of origin), it's not okay, and yes, it's really sick.

 

I'm just so sorry. I can't imagine having to grow up in that environment, and then having to cope with your family treating each other that way.

 

19yo sis just berated me for not being more accepting of my mother.

 

You know, you can love your mother for being your mother without accepting as normal or okay those behaviors. You can feel sadness and pity for her illness without thinking it's fine for her to abuse anyone. ... You can even love her and be wildly, deeply frustrated and angry and sad.

 

Again... I'm just so sorry. (()) I'm glad that you don't have to live near that, or expose your own children to that on a regular basis... I hope your sister will someday find the same freedom.

[Harriet Vane]

Extremely dysfunctional and abusive behavior.

 

:iagree:

[Hockey Mom]

I love my sisters to death and wish nothing but the best for them. However, I fear I may lose the 19yo. Mom has done everything in her power to ruin the relationship between 19yo sis and I. Honestly, I raised this girl until I got out 3 days after high school graduation. But, mom has consistantly told 19yo sis that I hate her and am jealous of her. Constantly. 19yo sis believes it. That is how sick my mom is. You know the whole "Divide and conquer" mentality? My mom has that toward her own kids.

 

I have little to do with my parents. Once 17yo sis graduates and is off to a great college, I will likely be done with them. They have informed my that my kids are expendable and my husband is not liked. I get nothing but pain and heartache from them. Support is non-existant. They have turned extended family against me because they are soooo incredibly manipulative. I have three kids. I do not need to take care of these grown adults as well.

 

I know exactly what you are talking about. My mother was/is the same way. She has the role of 'victim' down pat, and I am the evil daughter who has made her life hell. Oh yes, I know all about divide and conquer.

 

My sisters are all adults with children of their own. When I saw how my mother was doing the same thing with her grandchildren (pitting them against each other), and my sister not doing anything about it, I was done. My own children have only seen her once in their lives.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. :grouphug: It's not easy to cut people out of your life, but for ME, it was the only healthy option I had left.

[runmiarun]

Big hugs to you! This truly is not normal behaviour. I know from the same first hand experience you have. My mother was the exact same way. We finally cut off contact over 10 years ago. Unfortunately, my brother stayed and is now exhibiting the very same behaviour and passing it along to his children. I'll be praying for and thinking about you as you work with your family through this (even if they don't realize what's going on).

[Guest janainaz]

This was my mom too. As for your sister, other than telling her that what is going on is not normal, there's not much you can do. Just reading about it makes my head spin.

[Nestof3]

I wish your mom would start seeing a psychiatrist. She probably needs meds, and who knows what her background was. If she doesn't, she will probably die a very guilt-laden and confused person.