Tantrums

[Forget-Me-Not]

I'm about to lose it with my 7 yo son and his tantrums. If he's told something he doesn't want to hear, he starts screaming and yelling and crying. When that is ignored, he'll calm down and attempt to bargain with me, and when that doesn't work, it starts ALL over again. Case in point today:

 

When he awoke at 8 a.m. I told him that today is karate day and that we would leave for class in an hour and a half. He said 'okay' and was content until about 8:50 when I found him dressed in regular clothes and reminded him that he needed to put his uniform on. At this point, he begins shrieking and crying that he doesn't want to go to karate and blah blah blah. I stay calm, tell him we're leaving at 9:20 and suggest he have his uniform on by then. At 9:05 he approaches me, now stripped down to his underwear, and begins telling me that he feels sick and wants to skip. I have numerous reasons to believe this is not true, so I inform him he's going anyway, at which point the weeping and wailing begins again. Finally at 9:10, he walks out, fully dressed for karate and now wants to play the Wii for 10 minutes before we leave. I say no, we're leaving soon and he can play when we get back and here we go with the screaming and crying again. :banghead: I ignore that and he's now happily filling his water bottle with ice and water.

 

I'm just frustrated and concerned that I'm going to deal with this every time he doesn't want to do school work this fall. Any suggestions? :bigear:

[MaMa2005]

Can you give two choices (both of which are acceptable to you)? He may be wanting to have a little bit of control over situations and this option would work for both of you.

 

For example: We need to get handwriting and independent reading done. I give DS the choice of which he would like to do first (it doesn't matter to me). He chooses handwriting and I say great, do that now and then you will do your independent reading. Both things get done and DS has been able to have input into the decisions.

[Parrothead]

I hate to have to ask, but is his dad in the picture? Does dad make known his expectations of how he wants his wife treated during the day? Will dad follow through?

[Dawn in OH]

I'm certainly no parenting expert...but is this a regular problem for him? Seven seems a bit old for this kind of behavior, although I have a 9 year old that has his own form of tantrum. Not screaming and yelling, but grunting, turning red in the face and tensing up. I've began tracking the conditions under which this happens.

 

Did he get enough sleep? Did he drink enough water? Did have a protein in his breakfast? All these things tend to be an issue before my sons meltdowns.

 

Just something to think about.

[myfunnybunch]

I told him that today is karate day and that we would leave for class in an hour and a half. He said 'okay' and was content until about 8:50 when I found him dressed in regular clothes

 

tell him we're leaving at 9:20 and suggest he have his uniform on by then. At 9:05 he approaches me, now stripped down to his underwear

 

I know he's 7 and *should* just do what he's told. And I think in your shoes, I'd start with telling, then checking in less than 5 minutes. If he's not doing what he's been asked, then I'd help/prompt by staying physically present until he's followed through.

 

I have a 7 y.o. who has a hard time transitioning from home to activities. He's my quiet introverted slightly anxious guy. He benefits greatly from knowing exactly what's happening. Karate morning for him might look like this:

 

I would remind him it's karate morning when I woke him, and think of something exciting about the activity. "Today your sensei will teach you the next step in your kata!" I would not mention getting ready. Just give him something to look forward to.

 

At breakfast, I'd go over the schedule for the day: "Today after breakfast, we'll do chores and play (or do math or whatever) for a little while. Then we'll put on your gi and go to karate. When we get back you can play Wii for half an hour." This helps him to know what to expect, and because you're not placing any kind of demand in that moment, it allows him to talk about not wanting or wanting to go to karate without pitching a fit.

 

I'd let him choose to dress in clothes, put on his gi (assuming there's no chance of it getting dirty) or stay in his pajamas until it's time to get ready to go. This gives him an element of choice...Choose your battles. Clothes while waiting to leave isn't a priority right now.

 

Twenty minutes before it's time to leave, I'd set his gi on the end of his bed and tell him, "Please put on your gi. It's here on the end of your bed." If he's already dressed in clothes, he can always leave them on the end of the bed and change back when he gets home.

 

*For now, don't give a direction and leave the room. Give a direction and prompt immediately if he doesn't follow through.

 

*If he tantrums, it sound likes the ignoring works. If you need to allow more time for now, do so. My son responds best to things like, "If you've got something to say, please say it calmly so that we can talk. When you're ready, let me know and we'll talk." I don't bargain. I let my ds know that once he's done what he's been asked, I'd love to hear what he has to say.

 

*We talk about self-control. Not in the middle of a tantrum, but later. I ask him what it looks like, how he could show self-control next time, and we talk about ways that people in our lives show self-control when they're angry, disappointed, frustrated. When he does show self-control, I really make sure to tell him how wonderful that was and how wellit worked for him.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Forget-Me-Not]

I hate to have to ask, but is his dad in the picture? Does dad make known his expectations of how he wants his wife treated during the day? Will dad follow through?

 

:D Yes, dad is very much in the picture! In fact I texted DH and said I needed him to call and have an "alpha male session" with DS, but he wasn't able to call before it had resolved on our end. Maybe they need to have one tonight after he gets home.

 

That being said, though. . . I feel like threatening to call his father or doing the whole "wait until your father gets home" both undermines MY authority during the day and is unfair to DH to have to be the disciplinarian when he gets home. Thoughts?

 

*If he tantrums, it sound likes the ignoring works. If you need to allow more time for now, do so. My son responds best to things like, "If you've got something to say, please say it calmly so that we can talk. When you're ready, let me know and we'll talk." I don't bargain. I let my ds know that once he's done what he's been asked, I'd love to hear what he has to say.

 

*We talk about self-control. Not in the middle of a tantrum, but later. I ask him what it looks like, how he could show self-control next time, and we talk about ways that people in our lives show self-control when they're angry, disappointed, frustrated. When he does show self-control, I really make sure to tell him how wonderful that was and how wellit worked for him.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

 

Thanks :) Ignoring does seem to work; that and calmly stating my position and requesting that he speak to me calmly. Sometimes he flies off the handle so quickly and goes from peaceful to crying/yelling/stomping/slamming doors that it makes my head spin. We did just return from a week and a half vacation, and I'm sure that didn't help matters this morning. But this has been an ongoing problem. Having some discussions about it when he is peaceful sounds like a good plan.

[Joanne]

When he awoke at 8 a.m. I told him that today is karate day and that we would leave for class in an hour and a half. He said 'okay' and was content until about 8:50 when I found him dressed in regular clothes and reminded him that he needed to put his uniform on. At this point, he begins shrieking and crying that he doesn't want to go to karate and blah blah blah. I stay calm, tell him we're leaving at 9:20 and suggest he have his uniform on by then. At 9:05 he approaches me, now stripped down to his underwear, and begins telling me that he feels sick and wants to skip. I have numerous reasons to believe this is not true, so I inform him he's going anyway, at which point the weeping and wailing begins again. Finally at 9:10, he walks out, fully dressed for karate and now wants to play the Wii for 10 minutes before we leave. I say no, we're leaving soon and he can play when we get back and here we go with the screaming and crying again. I ignore that and he's now happily filling his water bottle with ice and water.

 

After that kind of behavior from a 7 year old, Wii would be away for the day (or more).

 

Does your child so any other signs of screen hyperfocus/addiction? Does he peserverate on when he can play on the computer, watch TV, play Wii? Does he seem listless, edgy or irritable during non screen free time?

 

I would get.......stern.

 

Being a Firm Mom

 

PS: I have to google my own site since it's been static from the start of the custody battle. Never google "hard ass mom". ;):lol:

[TravelingChris]

Does he have any other issues? I say this because the only children that old I have seen doing this are adhd or with some other issues. My two older have adhd and if we ever forgot medication at that age, we could expect similar behavior. If they were medicated, they would act the same as any other 7 year old and not be tantrumming.

[flobee76]

This might sound like a dumb question, but could he have been hungry this morning when he began to lose it?

 

I've noticed that certain food or lack of food has a lot to do with the way our kids are acting. I always have to remember to stay on top of their food intake. I seriously feel like I am feeding people all day so I can avoid outbursts.

 

NOT saying that hunger is an excuse! Tantrums are not allowed in our home. Being upset is, but acting out is not acceptable.

[jenL]

I have a 7yo who sounds very similar to your son. I've been reading Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. I've learned so much about my son as a result, and I've learned some great ways to get him to remain calm, focus, accept change/transitions, rein himself in, etc. My son is extremely sensitive to too much/too little sleep, food intake, hydration, loud noises, and being rushed. He does not qualify for the autism spectrum according to his pediatrician and a friend who specializes in that field who has informally assessed him. Rather, he's just a child who is a bit "more". Societal expectations for his behavior were making me feel like the worst mom, but once I began to understand and accept his nuances (and I'm still struggling with this), things between us are running a bit more smoothly. Believe me, I still have days where his whining, crying, & falling apart drive me crazy (yesterday was one of them!), but I feel more skilled to work with his outbursts compared to before starting the book. I'm also finding that, as with learning, some kids do not fit the "perfect" behavioral mold, and his development may take a little longer or he'll need coping skills other children won't need. He is who he is.

 

HTH! :grouphug: I feel your pain.

[Parrothead]

:D Yes, dad is very much in the picture! In fact I texted DH and said I needed him to call and have an "alpha male session" with DS, but he wasn't able to call before it had resolved on our end. Maybe they need to have one tonight after he gets home.

 

That being said, though. . . I feel like threatening to call his father or doing the whole "wait until your father gets home" both undermines MY authority during the day and is unfair to DH to have to be the disciplinarian when he gets home. Thoughts?

I think if it were a case of "wait til your father comes home because you won't listen to me" then letting ds go merrily on his way (while you take another Valium) would be undermining your authority or even an abdication of authority on your part. If your authority makes him sit on the sofa for 3 hours (because he messed up at 2:30) waiting the authority of dad, then you are not being undermined.

 

But it being a man to man talk (alpha male to beta male) on how to treat alpha male's wife changes the dynamic. A daily, "So, son, how did you treat my wife today," during dinner would put ds on notice that treating you shabbily will not be tolerated.

 

This does several things. First and foremost it shows ds that women are to be respected. Second, ds learns that dh will stand up for you. This makes it a normal behavior and ds can expect to do the same for his wife someday. (You are raising somebody's husband.)

 

And third it gives you an automatic back up. In the back of ds' mind he will know that if he gives you a hard time, not only will he have to answer to you, he will have to answer to his daddy in a few hours. Kinda like the dread you'd feel from having to go from the principals office to your parents and tell them what you've done. Not only have you been suspended from school for 2 days, but at home you've been grounded until you're 21.

Edited July 15, 2010 by Parrothead

[Guest janainaz]

I hate to have to ask, but is his dad in the picture? Does dad make known his expectations of how he wants his wife treated during the day? Will dad follow through?

 

Just my perspective....

If mom is dealing with him all day, then mom needs to make clear what the expectations are.

 

My dh said that his mother used to wait all day until his father got home and would say, "Wait until your father gets home!" I imagine this is not exactly what you are suggesting, but it's still along those lines when a mother does not feel strong enough to get her boys to listen and respect her.

 

When I'm home with my boys, they need to listen to me, and if they aren't, I don't expect dh to come in and give them a talking to. Dh does chime in when he's around if they are giving me a hard time and he reminds them that they need to listen. I do the same with him, "Listen to your dad!" We mutually back each other up.

 

But to the OP, my son used to do that at times, and it sounds like you handle it very well. It's exhaustive! With my ds, when it continued to escalate to where I was getting completely worn out, and humor and empathizing with the emotions weren't working (I really TRY to make light of his drama), but at some point I'm done, and I set consequences for the tantrum and whining.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Does he have any other issues?

 

No, he really doesn't have any other issues. He's just a really stubborn, headstrong kid and doesn't like it when things don't go his way. He just isn't dealing with the frustration well.

 

This might sound like a dumb question, but could he have been hungry this morning when he began to lose it?

 

You know I hadn't really considered that, because he'd had breakfast, but I just realized in thinking back that he didn't eat much. In fact he hasn't been much of a breakfast person lately, though he can seriously pack it away during the other meals of the day. Part of the rules around here are that he has to have breakfast and be dressed before we do anything else--play outside, get on the Wii, whatever, and I think he's just been rushing through that. Definitely, the rest of the time I notice that this happens more when he's tired and hungry. He's an argumentative kid any time of day, but he gets really upset and frustrated when there are other factors.

 

And third it gives you an automatic back up. In the back of ds' mind he will know that if he gives you a hard time, not only will he have to answer to you, he will have to answer to his daddy in a few hours. Kinda like the dread you'd feel from having to go from the principals office to your parents and tell them what you've done. Not only have you been suspended from school for 2 days, but at home you've been grounded until you're 21.

 

Ah, gotcha. This makes sense to me!

[KJB]

I'm just frustrated and concerned that I'm going to deal with this every time he doesn't want to do school work this fall. Any suggestions? :bigear:

 

I think you need to teach him to respond with "Yes, Ma'm" and compliance with no other commentary when he's asked to do something. Anything less and he loses the wii (or whatever he likes most) for the day.

 

I'd sit him down and warn him that this is the new rule. No second chances. It's a lesson in respect. He needs to learn to respect your authority (and frankly, all legitimate authority). So, for now, "Yes Ma'm" and action with no whining.

 

Be prepared to come down hard and get him in the habit of obeying without whining and emoting.

 

Remove the video game or whatever every. single. time. he tantrums.

 

He needs to know you're serious and you mean business. No more back talk will be tolerated. Get him in the habit of obeying without the tantrum.

 

I bet you'll get results quickly. Consistency and all of that.

 

Good luck. Be firm. Stay strong. (Easier said than done.)

[Stacia]

After that kind of behavior from a 7 year old, Wii would be away for the day (or more).

 

:iagree:

[Closeacademy]

Most 7 year olds go through a difficult period that lasts a few months to more than half a year.

 

During this time, they need to know:

 

You love them.

They are safe.

You are not going any where.

That things will be OK.

 

They also need to hear stories about people who overcome challenges like superheroes, Saints, heroes, missionaries and the like. This will help them to deal with their newfound fears because they have just discovered that they are mortal and that they have no control of the world around them. Any thing can happen and they can't stop it.

 

7 year olds come to this realization and it is a very scary time for them and they lash out in different ways: tantrums, snotty attitudes, breakdowns, withdrawal, not wanting to go to bed at night, etc.

 

This can be a very trying time for everyone involved especially since it often lasts for months. But if you give your child comfort, encouragement, and remain firm with the bad behavior you can weather it and everyone will come out better on the other side.

 

Once you get through it all you will have a different child who is so wonderful to have around. Until they go through the next change at around 9 or 10.

[myfunnybunch]

Most 7 year olds go through a difficult period that lasts a few months to more than half a year.

 

During this time, they need to know:

 

You love them.

They are safe.

You are not going any where.

That things will be OK.

 

They also need to hear stories about people who overcome challenges like superheroes, Saints, heroes, missionaries and the like. This will help them to deal with their newfound fears because they have just discovered that they are mortal and that they have no control of the world around them. Any thing can happen and they can't stop it.

 

7 year olds come to this realization and it is a very scary time for them and they lash out in different ways: tantrums, snotty attitudes, breakdowns, withdrawal, not wanting to go to bed at night, etc.

 

This can be a very trying time for everyone involved especially since it often lasts for months. But if you give your child comfort, encouragement, and remain firm with the bad behavior you can weather it and everyone will come out better on the other side.

 

Once you get through it all you will have a different child who is so wonderful to have around. Until they go through the next change at around 9 or 10.

 

Yes, yes, yes. I totally agree with all of this. As a matter of fact, a friend and I were talking just a few days ago about how lovely seven can be...and that one of the lovely things is that soon they will be eight. ;)

 

And I second the recommendation for Raising Your Spirited Child. My kids range from extremely spirited to mellow, and I've gotten valuable insights that have helped with all of them.

 

Cat