Help...How do you handle the intensity?

[Embassy]

How do you handle the intense interests of your children? How do you handle the intense reactions? It seems like everything is a HUGE deal.

[Mommy2BeautifulGirls]

:lurk5:

[Donna]

I handle intense interest by providing my kids with the resources they need to explore it whether it be books, DVDs, CDs, summer camps, travel, lessons, etc... I also work hard to find interesting outlets for their interests. We balance the intense interests with things that need to be done such as helping with family chores, schoolwork not in areas of interest and I expose them to things they might not have thought of doing on their own. I also try to give them lots of time to play with other kids who may or may not share their passions.

 

Intense reactions to things are another subject completely. My boys did not have the same drama in their lives as my dd. They were mainly just very active and talkative when young and still to a certain extent so exercise and outside time helps for them. My dd is the one who reacted to loud noises, tactile input, different food textures, and tends to be a bit emotional at times. Having calm reactions to things myself, talking to her about her feelings, and respecting her needs or how she feels about things helps to keep her grounded and less intense.

 

I am working on lack of sleep so I hope that made sense.

[Jyniffrec]

My ds is very intense. If his sister is in the same math curriculum as he is, then he has to beat her, even though they are 2 years apart in age. He will work all day (literally) until he is screaming at the table because he is so tired. We have had to make him stop and go take a bath and watch a movie to get his mind off of it. Needless to say, he is now in a different curriculum.

 

If he is out too much in one week he flips out, too. I have to regulate time out closely.

 

Movies can be a problem as far as his ability to separate fiction from reality. Other kids playing rough (even if he is as rough as them) makes him react by wanting to hit them. Too much time with other kids causes stress. Competition puts him over the top. I think you get what I'm saying.

 

So what I do is when I see a problem about to crop up I pull him aside and explain to him what is going on and his choices in the given situation. For example, he was at the pool with a friend and another kid showed up and started rough housing with them. My ds thought the kid was just mean but it turns out his friend was friends with the other kid. So I pulled ds aside and explained this. It smoothed things over quickly. I also talk to him about his personality and how he tends to react to situations. I have seen that giving scenarios with choices helps him the next time a similar situation comes up.

 

And his intense interests - I give him everything I can find on the subject. It is feeding his soul when I do this. I know, because I am just like him. :)

 

And I was just as intense as he is now. What I wish had been done for me was to have someone get in my face and tell me what I was missing point blank, because all I could see was what I was focusing on.

 

I think of it as giving him tools to work with. He needs different ones, and more of them, than my other children. When I take the time to do all those things he does much better and is able to relax (or at least not lose it, lol).

[HeidiD]

How do you handle the intense interests of your children? How do you handle the intense reactions? It seems like everything is a HUGE deal.

 

Send them out somewhere with my husband. :lol:

 

Seriously, I think there's only so much you can do. A certain degree of detachment is necessary if you don't want to be a candidate for high blood pressure. I've learned to inure myself over the years - someone can be having a meltdown in my face and in response I'm able to smile benignly at them.

 

Regarding intense reactions, it depends on the underlying cause. Some behavior is beyond their control, but other behavior is just bratty (speaking of our younger kids here, not our teenagers, whose intensity is focused in more productive directions these days). Bratty behavior has consequences but overreactions due to tiredness, emotional overload, etc. are in a different category. And I will admit to using bribery as well (at this moment, there are some Star Wars Legos stashed in my closet, waiting to be earned).

 

As far as their interests go, I try to encourage them, within reason. My ideal is to achieve Montessori's "normalization" - happy, productive children, focused and engaged in satisfying, meaningful activities all day long. Nice if you can pull it off, but we're still working on it. :tongue_smilie: It's very helpful, in the interest of peace, to observe the types of activities they're drawn to and enable them when you can. For example, our 7 yo loves to fill in notebook after notebook with his work. (For a while, I wondered why they were all disappearing! :glare:). Now, when I'm planning things for him to do, I generally include ideas for his notebook habit. When he was having a meltdown, complaining his math was boring, I gave him a calculator to work on bigger problems. Things like that help take the edge off. Also, lots of physical activity (nature walks, swimming, karate) help with the balance.

 

At one point, someone here posted a link to a website about kids of this type (thank you!) and how it's not uncommon for them to freak out about their socks. My 4 yo daughter was having a mega-meltdown every Sunday morning as we were trying to get ready for church - screaming about her socks! (Usually the only day she isn't going around barefoot.) I was somewhat comforted to learn that we're not the only ones enduring this scene - it must be occurring throughout the USA every Sunday morning! :lol:

[2smartones]

Intense interests? I fuel them with tools (books, etc.)

 

Intense reactions? I try my best to anticipate and prevent them by avoiding situations and making sure they don't get too hungry or tired. When something out of the blue arises, I try, if at all possible, to remove them from the situation. If I can't, I comfort them in whatever way fits the situation.

[MaMa2005]

There are some days I just have to tell DS 'enough'. He can go on and on and on ad nauseum about certain things. His latest has been VBS this week. He loves VBS, but the children are asked to bring in school supplies to give to needy families. DS just cannot let go of the argument he has made that "parents are responsible for their children". He can have an intelligent conversation on the matter, but then he just won't BE QUIET about it. I don't know how I am going to survive three more days :tongue_smilie:.

 

His emotional reactions to things can make a MaMa just cringe. A friend was over today and while they were playing, DS's friend decided to hit DS with the big version of Buzz Lightyear - right on the nose. OUCH! So DS cries, I put the friend into time out and took DS into another room. Once he stopped crying, he just went on and on about how his friends doesn't have manners, doesn't play appropriately, etc. I was about to beat my head against the wall :banghead: .

 

DS has a memory like an elephant and thus, where most children forget things in a day or two, he continues to revisit things from years in the past. Most of time I can't remember what he is talking about and this just makes him more intense.

 

Days like today make me wonder what I am going to do with him in a couple more years. (Oh, that didn't come out right :001_huh:)

 

Can you tell it has been a long, INTENSE day here?:tongue_smilie:

[Truscifi]

Make sure he gets enough sleep, for one thing. Ds is way worse when he doesn't get enough sleep - and enough for him his about 11 hours.

 

For the intense interests, like PP I try to feed them as much as possible. And when he wants to talk about them for hours on end I try to at least pay enough attention to grunt at the appropriate times. :tongue_smilie:

 

For the reactions, it depends on the situation. I try to head them off as much as possible. If that doesn't work I try to give him space to calm down, since trying to talk to him or even comfort him seems to feed into it mst of the time. If he is able to calm down a little on his own I will let him sit with me quietly for a while, then maybe try to address whatever it was. Maybe.

 

Oh, and if he isn't able to wind down on his own, I send him out to run laps with the dog. It sounds kind of mean, but it works and it makes him feel better too.

[JennW in SoCal]

Like the others have said, just feed the intense interests with books, videos, and anything else that is related. You can tackle all kinds of disparate subjects through specific interests (I utilized an obsession with all things Disney in high school science, economics and world history) and it can lead to specialization and paid employment at a young age.

 

Intense emotions? Well, just hang on for a long bumpy ride! Figure out the triggers, whether it is too much stimulation, not enough food or sleep, and try to avoid those problems (easier said than done, I know). Learn how to cope, gently teach your child coping skills. Take care of yourself, too, by finding a way to have down time from the intense child. Some years are worse than others because of growth spurts and, later on, hormones. Put them in theater class where they can let their inner drama queen out!

 

These intense kids become really interesting young adults because they have skills, passionate interests and opinions. I'd rather be around them than most other young people who shrug non-commitally when you ask them what they are interested in doing with their lives. Intense kids are a lot of work, but ultimately worth the trouble the end.

 

I have raised one, sent him out into the world, and have lived to tell the tale! You can do it too.

[Amber in AUS]

So far i have not really learnt to deal with it. I require 1 1/2 hours quiet time in the afternoons where the kids can play quietly in their rooms or read a book, but don't bug Mum. Also on the weekends i try and get out to do something all by myself even if it is only the food shopping. Gifted kids are HARD work!

[AnitaMcC]

How do you handle the intense interests of your children? How do you handle the intense reactions? It seems like everything is a HUGE deal.

 

Sorry I can't help you here... I can only relate. Oldest Ds and youngest Ds are on autism spectrum and their interests and reactions are extreme and drive me over the edge!!!

 

All I do is hang on for the ride-LOL.:lol:

Edited July 14, 2010 by AnitaMcC

[Dmmetler]

I teach two group music classes a week with non-GT kids. Doing so is not only a break from the intensities of my PG DD, but gives me a new appreciation for her. DH works long hours during the week, so it also gives him a focused time that's just him and DD, and they both benefit from it.

[Truscifi]

So far i have not really learnt to deal with it. I require 1 1/2 hours quiet time in the afternoons where the kids can play quietly in their rooms or read a book, but don't bug Mum. Also on the weekends i try and get out to do something all by myself even if it is only the food shopping. Gifted kids are HARD work!

 

 

I do the same. It is part of me dealing with it. Ds even tells people that it is quiet time for mommy too.

[mktkcb]

ayup. EVERYTHING is a huge deal. And if a HUGE DEAL isn't happening about something than life is BOOORING!!!! LOL! My oldest dd was like this, and youngest ds. I learned to be caaaaaaallllllllllmmmm in the face of intensity. Any intensity about the intensity made everything go exponential iykwim. As far as interests go...I fed it as much as possible, as long as it was legitimate. With dd....playdough, clay, art....she did school standing on her head 50% of the time LOL. Talk about energy!! And wrapping her brain around variables in Algebra for the first time....oy! The meltdowns that caused (at age 13...sigh). She is now a lovely and gracious almost 19 yr old, who thrives in college and workplace. Debater extraordinaire. Her intensity comes out now in studying passionately, and never backing down on what she believes is right. She's a little like Spock, LOL. DS is my challenging one right now (yea, as we speak...). He is 13, and moderately SPD (dd was also, probably). He needs lots of social coaching right now. Has trouble dealing calmly with frustration or disappointment. He's improving, but just not the most mature flower in the bunch. Quirky and geeky :o). I have to super calm with him. I just sent him to his room because he was melting down big time. We were going to swim at our apt. pool, and there were a couple friends down there. I was finishing something on the computer and made him wait about 5 min. to go. By the time we got there, the friends had left. Big disappointment for him. He's mad at me because I made him wait and he missed them. Understandable, but sorry, son, not a reason to throw a major fit. Basically I have to have solid consequences and enforce them calmly with him. He is very loving, though, gentle with little kids, repents thoroughly, and thrives on encouragement. Very sensitive...he *has* to know he is still loved, no matter what. Very huggy still at 13.5. So hang in there. There are days where by noon I feel emotionally I've been run over by a truck, dealing with this kid, so I understand.

[mktkcb]

intense interests.....with ds these would be music, pokemon/bakugan/yugio, golf (???), board games, computer games. I have to be careful with him. He is gifted musically, so he's been in piano lessons for quite awhile. I let him run with his bakugan stuff. I try to limit the computer stuff. He does musical theater, a great outlet for him, he loves it. He sings in choir at church. He's been zealously passionate about golf for a number of years...in spite of the fact that we don't have cable tv, don't know anyone who plays, and aren't particularly interested in it in general. I'm thinking of looking into the First Tee program for this fall, even though it would be a 45 min drive away. The price is such that it might be worth it to let him see how he really likes it.

[zaichiki]

How do you handle the intense interests of your children? How do you handle the intense reactions? It seems like everything is a HUGE deal.

 

Intense interests? Let them feed themselves and run with it (make sure they have the resources and/or mentors they need).

 

Intense reactions? Ha! Let me know when you find out! I think chocolate helps me. (And making sure they get lots of physical exercise!)

 

Yes. Sigh. EVERYTHING is a huge deal. It gets better as they get older, though. I think.

[zaichiki]

Basically I have to have solid consequences and enforce them calmly with him. He is very loving, though, gentle with little kids, repents thoroughly, and thrives on encouragement. Very sensitive...he *has* to know he is still loved, no matter what. Very huggy still at 13.5. So hang in there. There are days where by noon I feel emotionally I've been run over by a truck, dealing with this kid, so I understand.

 

That's it (especially the "run over by a truck" part - heh heh)!

[jpklehm]

My dd is the one who reacted to loud noises, tactile input, different food textures, and tends to be a bit emotional at times. Having calm reactions to things myself, talking to her about her feelings, and respecting her needs or how she feels about things helps to keep her grounded and less intense.

 

This sounds just like my ds/12. I do respond like you do but it is difficult at times...good to hear others' opinions and suggestions on this topic.

 

Pam

[Embassy]

Thanks for all the advice. It is good to know I am not alone. I was reading some articles at senggifted.org last night and decided to have a talk with my oldest son today. Now I wish I had done it sooner. He thought there was something wrong with him. I explained that his brain works differently and he thinks deeper and feels stronger than many people. I explained that it was okay to feel strongly, but he needs to control how that is expressed (i.e. not hitting brother). We talked about ways to help him handle those intense feelings. He decided that taking a break and getting a drink would help him. During our talk he left a couple times to get a drink.

 

Now I need to talk with my younger son. He is a whole different kind of intense.